DISCLAIMER: I am not responsible for any disappointments that readers may experience because of a lack of 'action' in this newest chapter. This is an informative chapter; that is, the questions that Kira had been asking herself finally – for the most part – get answered. There are still some areas left for discussion and in subsequent updates they will hopefully be addressed. I apologize for what may become ponderous reading. However, I have about four versions of this chapter, of which I've taken the best and augmented to present to you a reading that I hope is worthy of your viewing! As always, I only own Kira, Alicia, and, of course, Drial Namtsae - sort of.
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CHAPTER 19 – Guilt Trips and Missteps
I spent several hours in Splinter's room as he lectured me and then educated me about what he knew of Alicia. It seemed that I had kept a journal and chronicled my life as it was in the lair – including when I contacted Drial Namtsae! Apparently, Alicia, as me, had discovered the journal wedged in behind the dresser. From what Splinter told me, it was against clan rules to have a written account of our lives. It would have been too dangerous if by some measure the information fell into the wrong hands. However, as he explained, I had been a somewhat rebellious teen!
It perplexed me greatly, though, why Alicia didn't remember about the journal.
"If she was supposed to have my memories, how come she didn't recall that?" I asked Splinter.
"Much of ninjitsu is mental, Kira Siew. Most of us can sense either what the other one is feeling or even thinking, depending upon the strength of those thoughts. Consequently, we can also block another's attempt to discern what is on our own mind. Except for yesterday, you have always done well in this area." He looked at me and smiled, "So I am assuming that this ability to block out sensitive information may have kept the knowledge of your journal from Alicia."
"Then, why didn't I remember it?" I asked.
Splinter only shrugged, "That I cannot answer. It might still be part of your memory; only it lies dormant!"
"What did you do when Alicia brought it to you?" I asked, somewhat concerned that I had unintentionally put my co-exchanger in hot water with Splinter.
"At first I was angry with her, of course." The rat explained. "But then I sensed a strong confusion from her, as if she was not too sure about who she was. She behaved as you, but there was something about her chi, which contradicted her. It was very subtle; I doubt very much your Father would be able to detect it." Splinter sighed and then continued, "We read through the journal together so that I would be more thoroughly aware of her disobedience, thinking that she was you. However, the last few pages became quite disturbing." He paused as he handed me the journal.
I saw that it had a blue cover and my name written on the front in my own handwriting. The book was at least an inch and a half thick with paper. By the stains and its less than pristine condition, the book was an obviously scavenged item. I opened the front cover to the first page and noted the date of the initial entry. It preceded my mother's death by three years, when I was eleven. I think I had a head start on being a rebellious teen if I knew then about the clan rules regarding such things.
Splinter then broke into my thoughts, saying, "When we came to the part where you wrote about your interest in changing your life for another, some of Alicia's own memory came back!"
"What happened?" I asked nervously. I had closed the book and was currently hugging it.
"As one might expect; she became frightened." Splinter explained, "She still had your memories, but the few that were hers conflicted with them. Alicia would see herself as human one minute but then in the next see herself as a mutant turtle. It concerned me at first until I remembered about her chi. I did a meditation exercise with her and it was through that measure I realized that she was not you! I did not tell anyone about why she was behaving this way, as I was sure your Father would not believe it. I had some tea prepared to help calm her down."
"Did she?" I asked.
"Of course; your father makes a strong relaxation tea!" he said simply.
I remembered my own breakdown from yesterday. After watching Alicia as me do just about the same thing, per Splinter's explanation, my behavior when I tried to get out of the lair was probably old stuff to the clan.
"What happened after that?" I asked. I was curious about Alicia's reaction to sewer life.
Master Splinter shook his head, "It does not matter now. What matters now is you."
Then, Splinter instructed me to read the last six pages of the book. He told me that they encompassed about three months worth of entries and the topic was mainly on my unhappiness in the lair and then the discovery of Drial Namtsae. I was a little hesitant to read the accounts, though; fearful that Splinter's anger would go against me. I kind of liked him, mainly because so far he had been the only one in the clan not to yell or get mad at me.
"Do not fear the truth, my child. The words that are in this journal are the clues to what happened to you and why." He encouraged.
"I do not fear the truth as much as I fear…your displeasure!" I admitted softly.
"Hmm…" Splinter mused as he narrowed his expression, "my displeasure should be the least of your concerns right now, Kira Siew!"
I cringed as I understood his implied meaning. I still had to face Father and the other members of the clan with my blatant act of disobedience by keeping a diary, not to mention what was in my Email. Not knowing how they would respond frightened me more than catching Splinter's wrath right now. He was correct when he said his displeasure should be the least of my worries!
With shaky hands, I opened up the journal to the last six pages that I had written. I discovered as I read that I had felt somewhat responsible for the invasion of the last lair we lived in and my mother's subsequent death. The entry showed a date of about nine months after Mei Pei had died…
"If only I had not ventured out of the lair that night; if I had just stayed home, maybe the enemy would not have found us. Despite what Father and Splinter told me that it wasn't my fault, I knew differently. I will never tell them about the Foot seeing me in Central Park! I am sure that they followed me home, despite my best attempt at evasive retreat. Knowing the price we all paid for my disobedience I could never live with myself if the clan ever found out about it. As it is, I can barely look at my self in the mirror. All I see is a traitor!"
I looked up at Splinter in utter amazement, "It was my fault?!" I cried out in disbelief. Hot tears began to flow down my face as I realized the depth of my rebellious nature and the end-results of it. I wiped them away, but I could not wipe away what I had just read. I was devastated to say the least.
Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, he replied, "It is not a matter of whose fault it is at this point. Quite honestly, Kira Siew, the Foot had been encroaching closer and closer into our territory. It was only a matter of time before they found the lair."
"But, what if it was my fault? What if Father and the others want me banished? Wouldn't endangering the lair like that justify…" I started, but then Splinter interrupted me.
"No one is going to banish you, child." He leaned towards me for emphasis, "Everyone makes mistakes. It is just unfortunate that yours…." He changed his mind in frustration, "It doesn't matter; please just continue to read!" He waved a gentle hand in my direction for emphasis and sighed deeply.
I knew what he meant to say, what he was going to say. It was unfortunate that my mistake caused my mother to lose her life. My mistake! In that moment I was glad I did not have any memory of her or the incident. What I had was only the written account of a very distressed and unhappy teenager; who just happened to be me – which was bad enough as it was!
Another entry that caught my attention was when I had painted Raph's sais pink. I wrote that he had been rather rough with me in the dojo and complained about my lack of effort. In a fit of anger and frustration, I told him to 'shove it'. I had to laugh to myself at my written account of what happened next, though.
"I knew that Raph would be coming after me so I made a bee-line out of the dojo! I went Ninja and hid. If he had only checked his bedroom, he would have found me! I had all I could do to keep from laughing! Once Raph was in my bedroom, I slipped out of his and then high-tailed it out of the lair. I knew from experience that it would take a few hours for him to cool down. A person only makes the mistake once of mouthing off to my uncle and not getting out of the way fast enough!"
I could totally relate to that last statement. My experience with Raph and his reaction to my comment about getting some 'air' in the kitchen had driven home that point rather well. He had so intimidated me that I knew beyond a doubt I would never intentionally mouth off at him. Not unless I had Splinter by my side, that is!
I continued to read my account…
"When I returned to the lair, I threw just about the biggest fit of my life. What Raph did to my room trying to find me really made me mad! He upturned EVERYTHING. My bed, my dresser, my desk. How in blazes could I hide in my desk? Ninja or not, I'm just so small, ya know? Sheesh. He never came for me but, just the same, I could easily sense his smugness from behind his closed bedroom door! Well, just wait until he sees his sais!! I'm having a hard enough time writing about it and not have a giggle fit! I can hardly wait for the morning katas to begin. It's now two A.M. and I just finished painting them. However, I think I'm going to have to make myself scarce, just the same. It'll be another day without breakfast, but I value my life a little more than my stomach right now. Raph thinks he can scare me, well, lets just see how scary he looks spinning pink sais!!! Ha!"
Even with the humorous aspect of this entry, my heart still felt like a led weight from the previous bit of news regarding my mother. Nevertheless, I continued to read per Splinter's request. As I did one particular day's account stood out as the prime example of how badly I hated living in the lair. It was rich in anger and distress.
"I do not know how much longer I can exist here. Mother's death hurt so many here in the lair. My private guilt continues to become more than I can cope with. Father won't talk to me, my uncles are too busy with their patrolling, every one is so afraid of being discovered again by the Foot. I hate living here! I try to get out of the lair as much as I can despite the clan's attempt to keep me down in this horrible pit. Their worries have frightened me. I didn't think Ninja were supposed to be afraid, so why am I? Why do I keep having nightmares? All I can see in my dream is that black monster coming after me, his shuriken dripping with red, my mother's limp form on top of mine, and then my father wailing so loud it hurts my ears. I wake up crying almost every morning! I hate being here; I want to leave, to forget! I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling guilty. Maybe I need to forget, to make a new life for myself. I'm not Ninja enough to commit seppuku, maybe I can just run away somewhere. What am I to do?"
About a week later from that entry, I found the first account about Drial Namtsae…
"I made a new friend on-line today. I was just surfing the 'net to see if there was a way of getting a new life. I really didn't expect to find anything; it's quite silly to think one can just 'get a new life'! However, I found a website that boasts that it can create a new identity for people who want them! Imagine that! Out of curiosity, I sent a message through the E- address listed. I really didn't expect that they'd respond. In all honesty, I thought it was a hoax or a joke; a website that someone created just to have some fun. Kind of like that Bonsai Kitten website. Well, of all the luck, I got a reply back!! It was from a Drial Namtsae. He said he could help me. Drial wrote that someone else was looking for a new life, as well and would be interested in switching with mine. I'm kind of excited and …scared all at the same time. Is this even possible?"
The next few entries were about everyday events and rather boring, except to the person writing it. However, about a week after the initial log telling about Drial Namtsae, I discovered this entry,
"Drial E-mailed me today. He seems like the real deal, although I'm not sure if I could let go of all my memories. Not all of them are bad. Before Mother died, our family was happy and I honestly didn't have any problems with living here in the sewers."
As I continued to read about the progression of my relationship with Drial, I felt my heart fall like an elevator out of control. What I read next made all things very crystal clear to me.
"It's settled. I'm confident that this Alicia person taking my place will indeed have my memories and I will have hers. Amazingly, she had heard about our clan and had always wanted to live in the sewers. I found that odd and it kind of worried me a little. However, if it's the only way for me to leave this horrible place… No more grief, no more walking on 'eggshells' here at home, certainly no more katas and worrying about the Foot. My life is about to improve and I can hardly wait. I'm glad I won't remember this place. The way everyone treats me, good riddance! I can only hope that this person understands what they are getting into. Of course, she is as much in the dark about my life as I am about hers, so...I guess that evens the playing field. Still…not to live in the sewers has to be a major plus all the way around. I sure hope Alicia likes it here!"
I groaned in agony! I had left behind a written account that told who it was with that I had exchanged lives. With just a few strokes of my pen, I had made it possible for Alicia to remember. What puzzled me, though, was how could she regain some of her old memories, but I couldn't? Was it possible that the Emails I had yet to read would answer that question, the very mail that Donatello already knew about? Maybe Drial had listed possible 'side effects' somewhere in them. Maybe the one who 'spilled the beans' gained the old memories first? Having two minds in one place would be like a living hell, in my opinion.
The last journaled thought was simple and to the point. I felt finality, a sense of excitement and fear as I read the words.
"This is my final entry; no more need to jot my thoughts; no more anger or worry. I was told that the change will happen in an instant. I know the place where I am to meet Drial and where he will give me the incantation. If it works, I'll become Alicia. If it doesn't…well, I know enough about poisons to take care of things. It is as it should be – the end!"
That was the last entry; there was no other recording of my thoughts, dreams or desires. The subsequent pages were blank.
I slowly closed the journal, hugging it to my plastron for comfort, knowing full well that my life as I once knew lived on the pages inside. Yet, I remembered the curse, the promise that if what took place was made known to anyone outside of the participants, they would return to their old life. Their current memory intact but horribly out of place in the other world.
"Master Splinter?" I asked, knowing that even though he was meditating, Splinter was more awake than not.
"Yes, Kira Siew?" he replied, opening his eyes and looking at me with a peace I wish I could own.
"When…um…well, when did Alicia bring you the journal?" I asked.
Splinter stretched a little to wake his body from the lengthy meditation, saying, "Six months ago. That was when she first showed me the journal." He looked at me with a knowing expression. "You are probably wondering why it took so long for the change to happen."
I was stunned. It took six months to undo the exchange? I would think that it would have been quicker than that. "Yes, I would."
He shook his head as he admitted, "It is as much a mystery to me as it is for you, I'm afraid." Then he looked at me sadly and asked, "What price have you paid for the little bit of freedom that you've enjoyed?"
"Huh? What?" I asked. I was still chewing on the fact that Alicia had to live in this sewer for six months, knowing that it wasn't her real home and probably not the least bit cooperative with the way the clan did things. Remembering that first moment right after the accident when I found myself kneeling in front of Father, I knew now that Alicia couldn't resist visiting topside during the day. Not based on what Father had accused me of. Yet knowing my own experience of enjoying the sunlight in the existence I had led before returning here, how could I blame her?
"What price have you paid for the decision you made a year ago?" Splinter asked again.
"I'm not sure what you mean?" I admitted ignorantly.
"Kira Siew, you have taken your life as well as another's and made life-altering changes. For one of you, it did not end well!"
It was then that I understood what Splinter was trying to tell me. Though I had successfully returned to my old life, though it was not of my choosing, Alicia had returned to hers and one that had probably changed dramatically. Yet, other than my original decry when I described to the clan about my previous life, how would Splinter know what 'end' Alicia met? I had only assumed.
"Um…I'm not really sure how it ended for Alicia, but for me I think things have become worse." I offered.
"Worse, how can it be any worse, my child? Have you even thought about what you did to Alicia?" his expression was now hard and unmerciful.
"What I did? What she did was to bring that book to you!" I complained. "If she hadn't have done that I wouldn't be here in the first place!" I was getting miffed with all the guilt that Splinter was heaping upon me. I had been doing a good enough job of it by myself; I didn't need any help!
The hardness of Splinter's gaze intensified and he quickly grabbed the journal from me. He had done it so fast that I still had my hands around the area it had occupied up against my plastron. I was amazed he could move so quickly.
"Maybe your father needs to see this! Maybe you need to re-read the part where you agreed to this exchange! Knowing how different we are from other people, you might have endangered our lives once again! You met a complete stranger out in the open, Kira Siew!" His angry demeanor almost seemed out of character for him. "How could you be so selfish to do what you did and not care about what happened to us?"
In that single moment, I realized that I had pitted my arrogance against the wisdom of the family patriarch.
It was a bad move on my part all the way around!
It seemed that calamity and angst would continue to dog me no matter what I did!
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KUROI NEKO-kun: Yeah, but I've found that if I start a new story, the block goes away. Unfortunately, it often returns! With the new story, of course! Yep, I've started another one with "When You Least Expect It!.". What was I thinking???? LOL Splinter may have become another antagonist for poor Kira. If she had just kept her mouth shut! Thanks for reading and reviewing! Be blessed.
PRETENDER FANATIC: Well, like you said, there has to be 'breather' chapters. Makes the active ones seem more so. We do need to know what happened to Kira, though, don't we? Can't have her getting kicked around all the time, but then maybe she needs a few swift ones, based on how this latest chapter has ended!! :0) Will my abuse of writing her character ever stop? Naw…too much fun! How fast can she grab that book back and burn it? Ninja she may be, but Splinter is better, me thinks! Thanks for reading and reviewing! Be blessed.
JO DAWN: Drial Namtsae – and it's … ahem … a secret where I found it, too. I think there will be some groans when I list the credits! LOL As you can tell after reading this chapter, Kira seems to make more trouble for herself, but given who she really is ( Kira ) it's probably her basic personality that's coming through, despite her best efforts! Some things just refuse to lay dormant! LOL Thanks for reading and reviewing. Be blessed.
LADY VENOM2: Hee hee – just had to mention the 360/180 difference. Sorry about 'flooring' you with a short chapter. Sometimes they end that way. I just go with the flow, as they say, until it reads like an ending. Glad yer patient. I'm not. I've wrestled with this one with 4 versions. Not sure what the problem is other than maybe because I took a different turn from where I was headed? Hmm… Anyway, thanks for reading and reviewing! Be blessed.
RAMICA: Right on – her safe harbor only lasted so long. Poor girl! Such torture I create for her! LOL! Yikes, now that Splinter is on her case, will there be any hope for her to find happiness? Not yet anyway. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Be blessed.