Disclaimer:  I do not own any TMNT's or their creators!  I only like to have fun with them!  Don't get any ideas, either!  Shame on you for thinking like that! 

CHAPTER 20 - Comfort

What is it about ill spoken words?  Once they're voiced, there isn't any way of going back and fixing them.  Apologies sound hollow when measured up against the common sense that would have helped to avoid such situations. 

It was in this position I now found myself.  I looked at Splinter and saw exactly how angry he could get.  The disappointment in his eyes cut me deeply and I wanted to look away.   I felt a fear crawl up the inside of my shell that sobered whatever argument I might consider.  He was very displeased with me for the moment.  After my selfish outburst about blaming Alicia for the reversal of the switch, Splinter looked as if he would like to take one to me!

Yet, despite my predicament, I had a gut feeling that Alicia Gordon returned to her world with a very limited future.  All things considered, I had been most fortunate by comparison.  Suddenly, I finally realized to what Splinter had been referring, the price that was paid for my little bit of freedom.  My co-exchanger might have paid her dues in her reality, but in mine, I would always know who made it possible for that to happen.  I would never be able to forget that fact, not ever.

I then felt awful about how I had carried on with him.  I guess I could sum up my reaction to the overall stress of discovering so much about my self.  A lot of it explained why I went for the exchange in the first place, but also why the clan was so negative towards me, too.  Well, at least as far as Raph was concerned.  I didn't yet have the opportunity to read about my exploits regarding Donatello and Michelangelo.  I wondered if I had even chronicled those events. 

However, I was still overwhelmed with the enormity of Splinter's posturing and the events of the past thirty hours as well.   Because of my newfound guilt, I blurted out an apology. Hugging myself and crying, I blubbered, "I'm s – so sorry…I'm so confused by e – everything…I don't want to be here anymore.  I can't stand being h - hated!" I balled.

I didn't care in that moment what Splinter thought; my cup was running over and I just couldn't take anymore.  Between the guilt trips, the lectures, and the punishments or what-have-you, I was tapped out.  However, I must have cried for a good minute before I felt a bony hand on my shoulder.  It stayed there for another five until I felt some measure of relief.  As I lifted my head up again, the other bony hand held out a tissue to me.  I took it greedily since my face was now quite wet. 

I was startled then when Splinter, his hand still on my shoulder, pulled me towards him.  I wasn't sure what he was going to do, considering how unhappy he was with me only a moment ago.  I resisted just a little out of fear.  However, I heard him make a soft chittering sound low in his throat as he beckoned me in a quiet voice, "It is all right, child.  I have no intentions of disciplining you."

With a strength that surprised me, Splinter pulled me easily into his embrace.  I allowed him only because I didn't have the will to resist.  Yet as soon as I realized he only wanted to comfort me, the tears began once again.  He stroked my head affectionately, continuing to purr as he allowed me to vent.  I mumbled more apologies, expressing regret for my actions - even though I didn't have any memories of them.  The fact that I knew I had written the journal if only because I recognized my handwriting was proof that what had happened to me was indeed true. 

Earlier, I had expressed relief that I was unable to remember the events written in the diary.  However, now I wanted more than anything to recall them.

Finally, Splinter spoke to me, his voice rich with compassion and sensitivity, "No one hates you, Kira Siew.  Though you have stretched our patience many times, everyone in the clan loves you.  You need not fear losing that!"

I sobbed quietly, but the energy to do so slowly began to abate.  Splinter continued to hold me as he caressed my scalp.  He purred as he mumbled something in Japanese.  I didn't understand him, but if I had to guess, he was encouraging me in the best way he knew how.  It was all very comforting and I needed it more than anything right then.

When he sensed that I had recovered, Splinter gently pushed me away from him.  I soon found myself sitting back down on the rug in front of him. 

"My child, your father awaits outside my door.  Though it will be very difficult for you," he handed me my journal, "you must show him this.  Tell him that he is not to destroy it.  That I request that you be allowed to keep it – for a time."

"But he won't believe me." I countered, my voice trembling at the thought of facing my father with the evidence of my transgressions.

Splinter's softened expression hardened just a little, "Remember my words exactly and do not challenge me, again, Kira Siew!  Now, go to the door and open it.  Do not lower your gaze, but accept whatever visage your father deems worthy to give you!"

My eyes went wide at the suggestion and I subtly shook my head, "I'm afraid to, Master Splinter.  What if he…"

However, the rat's nose lifted up slightly as he interrupted me, "Fear is not an excuse to avoid accountability.  A true kunoichi would never be so dishonorable!  You will go this minute and open the door.  He is your father and you must face him!"

Looking down at the journal in my hands, I nodded sheepishly and with much trepidation.  I clambered up to a stand, bowed low before Splinter and turned, hesitantly making my way towards the door.  I wiped my eyes, not wanting to look teary when I faced Father.  When I reached the bedroom door, I could feel a very strong presence on the other side as if it had been waiting past its threshold of patience.  It was so strong it almost overwhelmed me.  In that moment, if I could, I would have run back to Splinter's bed and tried to crawl under it.  However, I couldn't.  For one thing, I was too big to slip beneath it. 

I felt my eyes well up with tears once again at the prospect of even looking upon my father's face.  I felt so completely deflated I was surprised I had the strength to even stand. 

Yet as I touched the doorknob, the overwhelming presence on the other side seemed to have diminished in strength.  It was as if its patience and vigil was finally going to see fulfillment and knew it.  It was waiting for me.  I knew it was Father.

I slowly opened the door and found that I now faced a very irate but calm parent.  His expression was flat as he assessed me.  I knew my eyes were red from crying, it hadn't been that long ago.  I looked away, though, unable to hold his steely gaze.  I felt his eyes take in the journal and then they narrowed as if in understanding.  Looking back at me and catching my chastised glance, he nodded slightly, working the inside of his jaw as he considered his next action. 

"Kira, we need to talk." Was all he said.  His voice was low and serious.  Then he moved aside to allow me to exit Splinter's room. 

I really didn't want to.  Even though the rat was very upset with me, he still afforded me a measure of peace and acceptance.  Yet, I knew I had to obey Father.  Consequently, I stepped out into the hallway and furtively looked around.  No other member of the clan was there.  I must have been holding my breath for I let out a very long sigh of relief.  The last thing I wanted to see was the accusing stares from the others. 

"Go to Don's room, Kira." Father directed solemnly.

I wanted to protest this, to argue that the journal would have everything in it that he would want to know about.  I didn't want to go back into that room; not if there was a chance that Don was there.  I was mortified and embarrassed.  I just knew he had been reading everything that was mine.  However, I knew it would have been a waste of time.  Father's expression told me that whatever it was that he had planned, it was a done deal all the way around.

Obediently and without an opposing word, I headed for the designated room.  About the time I arrived, Raphael came out from his across the hall.  He gave me one scowling expression, a smirk of understanding of what was to come, and then he swaggered up the corridor towards the living area.   He seemed just a bit too cocky for my tastes.  I really didn't like him at all!

Don's bedroom door was opened, so I walked in.  I noticed that he was at the computer.  He heard me and looked up as Father directed me with his hand on my shoulder to sit down on a nearby chair.

"Kira, we/ve had to go through your E-mail history so we could determine the best course of action to take against this Drial Namtsae." Don explained calmly.  He did not have the angry expression that Father had but he did seem quite serious. 

"Course of action?" I asked, "What kind of action?"

"Kira, you brought a complete stranger into your life.  This act alone without the clan's sanction violates many of our rules.  You have put this family into danger." Father explained.  Looking at the journal I hugged so tightly, he asked, "May I have that please?"

I gave Father my diary and then repeated what Splinter told me to say, "Master Splinter told me that I'm to keep it – for at time.  He doesn't want you to destroy it." I explained.

Father mumbled, "Hmm….we'll see about it.  I'll speak to him later, of course, to verify what you just said."  He then sat down on the edge of Don's bed and began to thumb through the book.

I cringed as I watched him read.  The early pages weren't as bad since they dealt with many topics that were the usual entries for a pre teen.  I sat there watching him for a good half hour.  However, as he quickly made his way through my journal, bypassing the frivolous writings of wishes and dreams, he stopped near the end of the book.  I couldn't be sure but by the expression on his face I had a feeling he was reading the last of my written account.  Remembering all too well my own shock over learning about my assumed part in Mei Pei's death and the attack on our other lair, Father's look appeared stricken at the very least. 

I lowered my head and wrung my hands unconsciously, not daring to look at him any longer.  I wanted to crawl back under the desk that I had huddled beneath only a few hours ago.  It was so close to where I was sitting, too.  I knew if I moved fast enough I could make it.  Yet Splinter's words about being a kunoichi, one that espoused honor no less, repeatedly rang in my ears.  Despite the impending confrontation with Father, I was determined to stay in my chair – no matter what. 

I chanced a look to see how he was reacting to my diary.  I was surprised to find that a single tear ran down his right check.  With his head bowed, he continued to read.  I wasn't sure where he was in the book.  Yet I did know based on my own recollection of the amount of pages left that he was very near the end of my journaling.  I was sure he was reacting to my private confession about my mother's death and my responsibility with it. 

While Father read, Don was going over my E-mail account.  He was very much aware of what was going on elsewhere in his room, however.  Every now and then, he would glance over towards father, giving a worried look of concern.  Maybe Father was experiencing an emotional response to the journal and, in true ninja-fashion, Don was picking up on it.  Then, he would look over to me and raise an eye ridge, scowling just a little.  It was easy to assume that whatever my father was feeling, Donatello had keyed into it easily enough.  I just wish he'd impart some of that ability on my behalf!  I could use some of that understanding from him right about now!

Finally, Father seemed to be done.  However, after slowly closing the journal, he continued looking at it as if he were digesting all that he had just read.  I waited, not sure what to expect.  I was mortified to say the least. 

After a moment or two, he looked over at me.  A deep sadness was quite evident on his face.  He took me in with his expression as if he was seeing me for the very first time.  He swallowed apprehensively and furrowed his eye ridge as if considering what next to say to me. 

Then, Father spoke, "Kira, I had no idea.  Were you that unhappy here?"

Considering what I wrote about feeling responsible for leading the Foot to our lair and then my mother's untimely death, I felt the least of his worries should have been about my happiness. 

"I – um – really don't remember.  But, that's obviously my writing in the journal, so – yeah, I guess I was."  It was the best reply I could think of for the moment.

"I see." He replied softly.  He looked down and fingered the book a little, seemingly lost for words.  Father licked his lips and worked his jaw, grinding his teeth some as he thought.  Then, he looked over at me again, "I can't change what happened and considering what I've read and what Don has discovered, I guess we're going to have to believe you about this 'life' exchange.  Yet, how we're going to get your memories back will be a different matter all together."  He paused for a moment, gathering his words for what he would say next.  He looked down at the book once again and then back up to me, "As for being responsible for the attack on our old lair – it was not your fault.  Despite being seen in the park as you believed – and as we were aware of…."

That surprised me big time!  How did they know that I was in the park in the first place?  I had to ask, "How did you know that?  From what I read no one knew where I was."

Father smiled just a little and I could see Don doing the same as he tried to focus on the computer.  I was told, "Kira, you were never out of our sight – or our minds.  We might have lost you now and then, but you were always easily found; especially when you were upset!" Father sighed, explaining, "That night Raph had a run-in with some of the Foot and they managed to cut him.  They were already close to the lair.  The cut was a nasty one that refused to stop bleeding.  Raph had to get back home quickly to take care of it.  He tried to contain the bleeding along the way, but it only took a few missed drops of blood down the right tunnel for the Foot to find us!  It just so happened to be the same night that they saw you in the park is all.  It wasn't your fault!"

"Maybe it was!" I countered, "Maybe the Foot were close to the lair because of me!  Maybe that's why Raph had that run in with them!"

Father shook his head, "No, Kira, you're wrong.  It was well after you had returned home that this happened.  They would not follow you that well and then not take advantage of being so close.  I know them!  They had their forces already gathered; it would have been a done deal." He was getting exasperated once again with me.  I could tell by his expression that I needed to drop the subject all together. "You probably don't remember, but you had gone to your bedroom per my orders.  It was after that when Raph came home.  I don't think you even knew about his cut."  Slowly, Father concluded, "Raph felt really bad about that; blamed himself for your mother's death.  We forgave him, of course.  We decided not to tell you about it, though; you seemed to be taking the loss rather hard as it was."

I sat there and tried to believe what had I just heard.  Raph was responsible!  Yet the way he worked me yesterday it was almost as if he was exacting some sort of punishment from me.  I would have been angry with him, but how could I when I didn't even remember the event.  Yet, I still had a hard time believing that I didn't play some part in revealing the lair's location.  I wanted to, but the power of my words that I read earlier seemed to say otherwise.  Still, Father seemed so earnest in trying to convince me.  Finally, I accepted it.  So much relief washed over me I thought for sure I would crumble to a heap on the floor.  It didn't matter that I couldn't remember.  Just reading about how horrible I felt over something I believed to be my fault had let me know what I had gone through.  However, I steeled myself from reacting and just sat there, dumbfounded. 

"What now?" I managed to ask Father, my voice trembling.

He replied, "Now we're going to have to contact this Drial Namtsae.  There has to be a way to recover your memories."

This time, Don spoke up, "Kira, we're going to want you to Email him.  Now, in fact."

"Now?  But, I have homework and patrol to do with Mike later on.  When am I…?" I started to complain.

"Forget the homework.  This is more important."  Don moved aside and stood up out of the chair.  He motioned for me to take it.

Nervously, I complied, sitting down in the chair that Don had just vacated. "I'll have to read some of my outgoing messages to see how I typed things."

Don commented, "Take what time you need, but don't take too long.  We need to plan things out."

"Y- you're not going to attack him, are you?" I asked nervously.

"Kira, just do the message, okay?" Father instructed sternly.

Reluctantly, I decided not to further my inquiry.  I read some of my Email and found that they were quite straightforward in their format.  There were not too many abbreviations other than maybe 'Cya' or 'Ttfn'.   Finally, after about ten minutes of reading, I felt I was ready.

"What do you want me type?" I asked.

Father replied, "Tell him that you have regained your old memories.  Tell him you need help in removing them."

"What if he doesn't want to help, though?" I asked.

"Kira, just type the letter.  We'll cross that bridge when we get to it." Father insisted.

I went ahead and typed out the message, saying that I was miserable and needed help.  I added that I hadn't told anyone and asked if he would be able to assist me.  I had both Father and Don read the message.  When they gave me their 'seal of approval', I clicked the 'Send' button. 

Now it was only waiting game until Drial responded; if he responded, at all.  There was a chance that after the first contact when the exchange was made, he would have nothing more to do with me.  It wasn't likely that he would do that though.  Based on what I had written and what Drial's messages to me implied, my memory should not have resurfaced.  Maybe he would reply if only to help me and, thereby, protect himself in the long run.

Yet there was one nagging fear that niggled at the back of my brain. If we were successful in contacting this Drial Namtsae and if it were possible to meet with him, what were my father and Don planning on doing to him?  It was a concern I had voiced only moments ago.  Considering Father's terse reply and his obvious deviation from my inquiry, what he had planned would not go well with Drial.  Though I had no memory of meeting this person, a part of me feared for his life. 

If he had only known the danger he put himself in by having any contact with me, I think I wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place! 

DANCINGFAE: Sorry about exacting pleasure from your angst.  Just couldn't help myself there!  J   My thoughts are always going ninja on me, too; can't keep a good one to save my life!  Yes, a lot of angles in Ch 19 that I think Ch 20 buffs out.  I think maybe Kira's life is about to either, A, improve, or, B, become more interesting.  I still need to find a way of putting some action in this story, though.  I'm glad others like it but I need an energy booster, myself!  LOL  Thanks for reading and reviewing.  Be blessed!

KUROI NEKO-kun: Oh, she has the entire clan, but they have things to work out, too.  So much history, so little memory of it.  Growing up is hard to do sometimes!  Kira's life will improve – some.  Bwahahah!  Thanks for reading and reviewing!  Be blessed.

LADY VENOM2: I struggled with Ch 19; it just seemed too ponderous to  me.  But then, there were a lot of questions that needed answering and I knew I had to otherwise – ahem – I was afraid I'd get lynched!  :0)  No, no suicide in this fic.  I'm hoping that with chapter 21 more answers and revelations will become evident.  Not sure what since I struggled with Ch 20 as it is!  It took me forever to decide what was going to happen in this latest update!  Thanks for reading and reviewing!  Be blessed.

RAMICA:  You are so right with your review of Chapter 19!  So many of us, because we don't like the trials we are in, long to change lives with someone else.  "They must have it better because their life looks so perfect to me!"  Could this be the reason why I wrote this story?  Hmm…could be.  I've been there so I know what that's all about!  :0)  Splinter does care, as evident in Ch 20.  What Ch 21 holds for Kira, I cannot say, even if I knew.  I've shared before how I write by the 'seat of my pants', so whatever happens will be a surprise even to me!  LOL. Thanks for the encouragement about the chapter; I really stressed over it.  Thanks, too, for reading and reviewing.  Be blessed.

TLINGEL:       Hey, great that you took the time to read the entire story!  Terrific!  So, you're taking Karate, eh?  Gee, I envy you.  If I took it, at my age, I'd get thrown to the mat and never get back up again.  They'd have to carry me out on a gurney!  LOL  Anyway, as this story evolved I added an unseen character.  I didn't know what to call him so it just hit me to – ah – have some fun.   I thought it kind of funny, myself!  :0)  I'm not sure what you mean about 'download'.  If you mean transferring the story onto your own PC ( such as pasting it to Word Perfect or something like that ), be my guest.  I don't have a problem with that so long as you abide by the copywrites Fanfiction espouses!  Thanks, again, for reading and reviewing.  Be blessed!

PRETENDER FANATIC:  Hey, for an action junky like yourself to say all of that about what I termed to be a ponderous chapter, I'm thrilled, too!  :0) wipes sweat from brow  I worried about it,  I really did.  I know we're suppose to write from our heart and not worry about what others think, but I really care about how my stories affect people.  It's in my nature; can't be helped.  Yeah, and the diaries were iffy with me, too.  Glad I scored.  I can now sleep at night!  LOL   I'm hoping to step it up a bit after Ch 20.  Had to do a confrontation between Leo and Kira and to finally get at least two of the turtles understanding where she's coming from.  Well, thanks for reading and reviewing.  Be blessed!

BUSLADY OF SOCAL:  Yeah, sometimes getting information beats the heck out of butt kicking, I guess!  Needed to have one like this and I'm relieved that it went over better than I had feared.  I had a good time with the name, too!  Thought it would be nice to add 'them' in a weird sort of way.  Thanks for reading and reviewing and for being my IM-ing bud!   Be

blessed!