Chapter Four

"Reasons"

The graveyard was empty. There hadn't been a vamp for hours. Buffy swung her arms lazily at her side, every now and then looking at Spike out of the side of her eye. He was expressionless. No smile. No smirk. No quirky saying on his lips.

"Maybe we should head back." She suggested bluntly. She heard Spike sigh.

"Maybe." He replied lightly. "Should go back an' train the girls. No sense in wastin' a night."

"Yeah."

Silence. Walking. More silence. She couldn't stand it. This was Spike. The one who tried to kill her. The one who gave everything to love her. The one who tried so hard at…everything. This wasn't like him.

"Spike." Her voice cut through the thick night air. She stopped walking. Spike stopped too.

"Hmm?" he mumbled, looking at her with tired eyes. Words. Again with the no wordiness.

"This isn't you." She said bluntly, crossing her arms and huffing. Spike squinted slightly.

"What?"

"This…broody thing you're doing." She waved her right hand through the air pointedly.

"Slayer…"

"You give up! You stop trying and you don't say anything…shirty… anymore." She said, desperate to get her point across. Spike slammed his hands onto his hips.

"Slayer, what are you on about?" he cried, shaking his head in disbelief. Buffy shifted, throwing her eyes upward to look at the sky briefly.

"Ever since…" she stopped. New words. "Ever since I brought you back, you've done nothing but sit in the basement. You never say anything to me anymore." She was beginning to sound like a nagging girlfriend. Oh, God. Girlfriend. Wrong word!

Spike rolled his eyes knowingly and sighed. "Right. Look, I'm not tryin' ta impress or anything, pet. I don't want your sympathy. I'm here 'cause you want me. You told me that. I had my way? I'd go…" he stopped, searching for a good place. "Anywhere. So long as I can't be used against you an' your lot anymore."

Buffy nodded curtly.

"So that's what this is about." She crossed her arms. "You think that if you stay—"

"I'll hurt you, Buffy." He replied, taking a step towards her. "I couldn't bare it."

Buffy sighed, eyes wandering the ground.

"I told you once before that you're better than this."

"And I believed you. S'what kept me from going outta my soddin' mind down there in those caverns." He gripped Buffy gently by the shoulders.

"Then why don't you trust me?" she asked, searching his eyes for a logical answer.

"Cause I can't trust maself. So long as the First 'as got me under it's thumb, I wont be able to. The best and safest way for all of us is if I just go. No more games. One less problem…"

Buffy shrugged out of his touch.

"No. I need you here when it gets bad." She looked at him again. He was begging. Begging to be set free. "Because I can't do this alone."

"Slayer, you're not alone!" he said, stepping into her way as she tried to move past him. "You got the Scoobies ta take care of you. You don' need me." He finished, straightening and looking over his shoulder uneasily. Buffy just looked at him, tiredly. There was nothing for her to do. How could she convince him? What would it take?

Maybe all she had to do was something stupid…

So, without thinking, she reached out and touched his fingers, curling them around her own. He glanced down, worried, but didn't try to struggle away. They were holding hands. Just touching. Like little kids used to do on the old swing sets in grade school. Buffy smiled sheepishly, then moved a few steps closer. Spike edged back, releasing her hand,

"Buffy…" he said, warning showering his voice. Buffy sighed and nodded.

"I know." She pressed her fingers into the bridge of her nose.

"Look, I can't. Not tonight."

"Spike, please…"

"I'm not gonna do this!" he snarled, nearly stamping his foot in rage. He glared at her for a moment and then sighed, looking up and rolling his eyes,

"I'm not good with…this. I can't just explain what I'm feelin'. Cause, honestly, Buffy…" he paused to look at her. "I don' know."

"Then trust me. Trust me to help you." She said, taking that inevitable step towards him. Spike steeled himself for harsh words, but instead felt her lips brush hers. She lifted her fingers over his bicep and rested them on his shoulder. It had been a while since he had kissed her. Since he had even dared to look at her like he did before. But it didn't feel right. Something wasn't right. Spike pressed the heels of his hands onto her shoulders and pushed her away.

"This…" he closed his eyes. "This can't work. We're like…like kids."

And with that, he turned and sauntered away, much with the air of a defeated warrior.