Waking to a Nightmare Chapter 22: Confusion As If I'm Not Already?, a ninja turtles fanfic

DISCLAIMER: Don't own them. Simple. Need more proof? Next time you watch the TMNT cartoons, check for Reinbeauchaser. You won't find that name ANYWHERE!!! Yep, I'm broke, so don't sue.

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CHAPTER 22 – CONFUSION – AS IF I'M NOT ALREADY?

I stayed in the bathroom for a good ten minutes until I felt I could stand up without the need to 'hurl'. I felt better but only marginally. The dream still haunted me. Since I decided that keeping secrets from the clan was not a good idea, I told Father about my dream soon after leaving the room. At the very least, he might be able to help shed some light on it.

I found him sitting in his bedroom, just finishing with meditating. He knew almost immediately that something was wrong.

"Kira, you look – terrible! Are you all right?" he came over to me and led me to one of the two chairs in his room. He took the other one, sat down, and waited.

"No, I'm not." I replied weakly, fidgeting just a little in my seat. I wrung my hands anxiously, not knowing what he would make of my dream, yet I knew I had to tell him. I then gulped deeply to ward off another 'hurl' attack and launched into my dream.

After I told him, he looked at me very thoughtfully. His expression was unreadable at first and then, when he closed his eyes for just a moment, it changed to almost a deep sadness. Finally, he opened them again and looked at me.

"Kira, I think what you had wasn't a dream. I believe you still have some sort of a connection with this Alicia Gordon." He paused as he analyzed me for just a moment and then he said, "It's possible she called you there."

I was stunned, "How can that be, though? I don't understand."

He smiled compassionately, "Well, sometimes if the mind refuses to accept what is real, it will hold on to that which is not – that is if the person feels the unreal is real."

"Huh?" I was so confused.

"Well, if you believe the lie is the truth and the truth is the lie, then what do you believe?" he asked me.

"Well, I guess then the lie is what's real to the person who believes it….oh…I see, now." It took a moment, but I then understood. "Do you think that Alicia is aware of being in the hospital, then?" I asked.

"Possibly, but she has your old memories, so she's probably confused. In her comatose state, her mind is in turmoil. She might hear voices she doesn't recognize. Your 'dream state' allows her to call to you or to the life she thought she had; maybe that's the netherworld where the two of you share a common connection."

"Kind of weird, though. It's still hard to understand." I admitted. "So, what does this mean for either of us? Will we be together like this forever? Drial didn't say anything in his E-mails about this at all."

What I had read of his messages, there wasn't any kind of disclaimers regarding adverse side effects of this nature or anything else for that matter. Except for having our life exchanges reversed if any of us 'spilled the beans', the process was suppose to be hassle free. Unless…

"Could Alicia's current situation and the fact that she caused the reversal have anything to do with this?" I asked him.

"Hmm…it's possible. The mind is mostly unknown territory. We can access certain areas of it that the common person can't, simply because of our meditative training. It's quite possible that this is what's keeping the two of you connected." Father surmised.

"So, to break the connection…" I asked, but then my father interrupted me.

"One of you may have to die." My father said somberly. He looked at me fully and took me in, as if he knew the very reaction I would have – and he was right.

"Alicia can't die, Father, she just can't!" I moaned, "Neither can I. Yet, I don't want to look forward to her visit every night, either." I held onto myself desperately, "I can't have these dreams every night, it'll drive me crazy!"

Father stood up and came over to me. He stooped down, leaning in and holding me and held me as I cried. He said softly, "Unless, my dear, you decide to accept it! At the very least, you might be able to tell her what happened. It may very well be what she needs to hear. Where she read about the switch, she may need some answers that only you can provide."

I nodded in agreement, though I didn't know how I could communicate with someone who – even in my dreams – was comatose!

"So how do I talk with someone who can't?" I asked.

"Hmm…maybe Master Splinter could shed some light on that one!" he said, smiling at me. Father stood up and offered me his hand. I took it and allowed him to pull me out of my chair. He led me out of his room and down the hall to the rat's bedroom. After knocking softly, Father waited.

Soon we both heard Splinter's welcome, "Yes, Leonard, you may enter."

Father gently opened the bedroom door and bowed respectfully before entering. I did likewise and followed him in. We both stood before the master and waited.

"You are troubled, Kira Siew. Please, sit before me. Leonardo, you may stay, but you are allowed to continue standing if you choose. Otherwise, you may take the other chair."

"I am fine just standing, Sensei." My father answered softly.

"Good." Splinter smiled.

I immediately sat on the rug before the rat. He then he looked down at me from his chair. "You had a dream, correct?" he asked.

I was amazed, but then maybe I shouldn't have been. Either way, I replied, "Yes and it has disturbed me."

"As well it should." His smile sobered just a little. "I have been having similar dreams where Alicia has called for me. She knows that you have her memories, but she doesn't understand why she is in a hospital." He paused to look at me a little more intently. Finally, he said, "Since you were responsible for the reason why her body ended up where it is I felt it best for you to explain it to her."

I was dumbstruck. He'd been carrying on a regular relationship with this girl, who had MY memories, 'talking' with her and maintaining some connection with her. Yet, until now, he hadn't said anything about it. "Why, though, why didn't you just tell her about the accident?" I begged.

"As I said, it's your responsibility!" Splinter reiterated sternly.

"Well, okay…how do I …ah…do this, then?" I asked sheepishly.

"When you finish your patrol tonight, you will return to my room and the two of us will meditate on this. Together we will go to Alicia – provided she is still among the living in her world." Splinter said evenly.

"Among the living? Is…is she going to die?" I asked worriedly.

"She may…her chi is very weak and the doctors hold very little hope for her." The rat's tail swished slowly as if expressing the somber mood of its owner, "But she is strong mentally – she has your memories – and I have encouraged her to meditate on that."

He sat silent for a few minutes while I took in what he had just told me. She might die, he said and, then, what? Would her memories or – more to the point – my memories be lost forever? On the other hand, would they return to me and replace the ones I have currently? So many questions with answers that seemed elusive; it was all very frustrating for me.

Finally, the rat said, "Now, I want you to think no more of this but to focus on the task at hand. You have patrol in a little while. I think it best if you go into your room and meditate in preparation."

I wanted to stay longer and I guess my feelings were strong enough for Splinter to sense. He looked at me with a kind expression and then said, "Later we can meditate together, but for now you must do so on your own."

Actually, I didn't want to 'do so on my own'; what if Alicia called out to me? Without Splinter there to assist, I wouldn't know what to do. I was scared. If he could sense it, he didn't let on. Father touched my shoulder, which was his signal for me to rise up and leave.

Once we were out of the Master's room, I opened up to Father, "What if she contacts me, what am I going to do? What if I'm back in that hospital again? How can I…." All of my insecurities tumbled out in a rush. Father placed his finger on my lips to hush me.

"Don't worry about it, Kira. If it happens, remember this…many comatose patients are aware of their surroundings. Just – talk to her. You don't have to expect a reply, just let her know that you are there. You might be surprised!" he smiled at me and then gently pushed me towards my room.

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I sat on my bed in the lotus position, my arms resting comfortably on my legs with my back straight and my head level. I concentrated on relaxing, breathing evenly and slowly. I thought about patrol duty and wondered how it would go. I silently hoped that it would be uneventful – but I doubted it. Nighttime seemed to bring out the worse element of society as a whole. Then I thought about Alicia and her situation. The guilt I felt for that was still there in my mind, but I had decided there wasn't much I could do about it. Finally, I remembered that keeping the mind clear of disturbing thoughts was crucial to successful meditation. I relaxed once again and dipped deeper into my meditation.

After an undeterminable amount of time, I was back in that dreaded hospital room again. I was disappointed. I had hoped it wouldn't repeat itself, but knew that if Splinter connected with Alicia in this manner, chances were good that I would, too!

This time, however, there were other people in the room, a lot of them in fact. It was almost as if everyone Alicia knew had come out to pay last respects. I was frightened for her. Yet, as I looked at these people, their faces initially faded out, I wondered about them. I moved closer to them, knowing that they wouldn't be able to see me or sense my presence. They were huddled together, some with arms around each other, some were crying.

I then looked over at the patient in the bed and saw that she was still alive, her breathing labored, but she was still alive! I went over to her and looked closely at her face. It wasn't as bruised, it seemed, almost as if it was healing. Yet, she had a paler complexion than the last time I had seen her. Was she – dying?

I panicked and turned towards the knot of people once again. This time, their faces weren't so faded. It was as if in that moment it was time for me to see who they were. One of them turned around, then two more, finally revealing to me who they were. I recognized them almost immediately. They were my family! My mother and father, my siblings – all of them were there. Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked upon them for the first time in days. It had seemed more like weeks or months to me, but I knew it had only been days. I wanted to call out to them, but suddenly an unfamiliar yet familiar voice called out to me.

"Alicia, is – that you?"

I looked down and saw that Alicia's eyes opened – and they were looking straight at me! She had spoken to me, but she had called me by her name.

"You mean Kira, right?" I corrected her, trying to sidestep my surprise and get to the heart of the matter. "I have you memories, but that's all."

"No, I mean Alicia. You are Kira in body but in mind you are Alicia." She insisted. She then smiled at me.

I looked up expecting her family to come running to her bedside, to see this amazing turnaround. However, they acted as if she was still comatose. I looked back down at the girl in the bed and saw to my disappointment that she was again asleep.

"Wait, please, what do you mean that I'm Alicia?" I pleaded. "Alicia was supposed to have returned to her body!" I was near to panicking, not wanting to believe that this one in the bed still had my consciousness. That wasn't what I had come to understand from Splinter.

Yet, she didn't reply or wake up or even open her eyes. She was comatose once again. What did this mean? If she died, then would that mean she would die with part of me inside of her? I would then be left with – what?

It was all so confusing! Yet, before I could contemplate what to do next, I was once again in my room, awake, and hearing Mike call for me from out side my bedroom door.

"Hey, sleepyhead, time for patrol!" he chirped.

All I could do, however, was sit on my bed and tremble in confusion.

LADY VENOM2: Ah, sometimes it's risky to do an info chapter – I think I said that not too long ago, hmm… Anyway, glad this worked for you and that you liked it! Sorry for the much longer wait for chapter 22. Writer's block is the pits. I have the gusto for some of my fics, but not for others. Very frustrating. This one is a little convoluted, so it's a bit challenging for me. Thanks for reading and reviewing. Be blessed.

VESTQUEX: Ah, the 100th review! You did get my award, right? Yeah, I know you did. Congrats! Hey, love your enthusiasm, too! It's very catching. LOL Glad you're enjoying the story and my apologies for taking so long to update – again! Very complicated fic and WB hit again. Thanks for reading and reviewing. Be blessed.

DANCINGFAE: HA! Well, either the bathroom or her bed; you choose! LOL Action? What's action? I'm hoping for a bit more of that with the next chapter. Patrol duty, ya know! I didn't want to mix it up with this one, kind of keep the two 'flavors' separated a bit. As for the 'moves', I found a website that has a video play by play of around fifteen katas, some involving bo staffs, others just hand/foot things. Leo needed to re-connect with Kira emotionally. Sometimes he's portrayed as harsh but I think he's more multifaceted than that. Well, thanks for enjoying the stories. I love writing them! Thanks, too, for reviewing. Be blessed.

PRETENDER FANATIC: Yeah, for some reason almost all of my stories have dreams in them at one point – except for Free. Then again, maybe The Cat is having a dream? Naw, did that one already. Anyhew…had to get some understanding and peace in the lair eventually. Patrol coming up with the next chapter. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Be blessed.

KUROI NEKO-KUN: Ah, Raph is more externally intimidating. I think there's a lot of misunderstanding and insecurity on Kira's part regarding him. Oh, there are still a few more chapters where a whole lot of wrong can happen re: Kira! Just wait and see! Thanks for reading and reviewing. Be blessed!

RAMICA: Leo isn't going soft as much as he understands the situation a little better. I mean, the poor girl hasn't a clue what's going on and he's been expecting her to know. He now realizes that with Alicia's memories, Kira can't be held accountable – or, can she? Hmm…after this chapter who knows. It'll be interesting to see what comes of this situation, especially at Turtle Pond…Oh, and it really is called that, too! Mapquest is so cool for these little facts! LOL Thanks for reading and reviewing. Be blessed!

BUSLADY OF SOCAL: Ah, but I like making my readers suffer! It's fun! And, you now know, if you didn't know before, that Turtle Pond is a real pond in Central Park. It's located at the north/eastern side of the park, or – if you go to mapquest, at the top. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Be blessed.