Chapter 2: This house! Those clothes! And you!
(AN: I am saddened to say that there isn't much humor in this chapter as I would like. Sorry to disappoint those looking forward for a really, really good laugh.)
"You what?" Hiei asked in disbelief.
"They're here to make your life more fabulous," Yusuke came from the door and went to give a slap to Hiei's back. Hiei was still looking at the five (crazy) men in his living room.
"AHH!" they heard the five (crazy) men scream. "What kind of house is this?!"
They were in the living staring in shock at the emptiness of it. One broke away and ran to the bedroom, another to the bathroom, and another to the kitchen.
"AHH!" There were screams coming from all three rooms. They ran back to the living to join their friends.
"There is nothing there!" they screamed. 'There is nothing there...'
"Oh cool! It echoes!" One of them yelled. 'Oh cool! It echoes....!'
"Helloooo!" another one yelled. 'Helloooo....'
"Yodalehehoo!" and another yelled. 'Yodalehehoo....'
"This place is so empty!" another yelled. 'This place is so empty....'
"I love hot Asian guys!" You get the picture.
"Hot Asian guys are hot! Hot Asian guys rock!"
"I love guys!"
"Pink is my favorite color!"
"Hugs and kisses to all men!"
And yeah... That all echoed in his apartment because it was so empty and they were so loud that the neighbors of Hiei began to think that he was gay.
"SHUT UP!" Hiei shouted. They were hurting his demonic sensitive ears. The five stopped what they were doing and blinked. Then they started all over again.
"I love America! But I love my boyfriend more!"
"You have a boyfriend?!"
"Why didn't you say so!"
"Is he a hot Asian guy?"
Hiei covered his ears. Just as he was about to say something about the five CRAZY men again, someone else beat him to it.
"Do they have to yell all the time?" Hiei turned around to find Kuwabara in house too, rubbing his ears, and the door closed. Kurama was no where in sight.
Hiei narrowed his eyes. 'The fox didn't even come. He probably knew who these crazy men are. Traitor.'
"Are you Jaganeshi Hiei?" the one who went into the bedroom asked him. He was a blond man, skinny, and looked sort of like a girl. Only he had a masculine face. Hiei thought that he had a big nose. Like the others, he spoke in broken Japanese.
"Who wants to know?"
"You're shorter than I thought. But you defiantly are a cutie," the blond, "big nose man" said happily.
"What?!" Hiei moved to get his katana from his back.
No one called him short and got away with it. They most especially didn't get away with their life. And no one, NO ONE, calls him a cutie. He was a demon. He was a killer. He had the Evil Eye. Cutie was not something that you described Hiei.
"Hehe. Forgive my friend. But it's like I said before, he is not a social person. Let me talk to him for a moment first and Kuwabara will explain some things to you. Like what you should and should not do," Yusuke grabbed Hiei's arm from taking out his katana and pushed Kuwabara towards the five men.
Then he pulled Hiei a few feet away and said in a low voice. "Look, I know that you don't like people calling you short or cutie, but you can't kill them every time that they do. You'll be put in Renkai prison if you do."
"Who are they? What are they doing here? And where is the fox?" Hiei said, completely ignoring what Yusuke had just said.
Yusuke only smirked. "It's like they said. They are the Fab Five. Fabulous Five. Fab is the shorter version. From the American TV show, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. They are doing an international thing with their show and I called them here to help you decorate your apartment. And Shuichi," with emphasis on Kurama's human name, "isn't here because he was afraid that they might start hitting on him. In case you haven't noticed, they're all gay."
"You baka! I don't want them in my house! Get them out!"
"No! I said that that I was going to bring someone here to decorate your apartment for you, so I did!"
"Exactly. Someone. Singular! Not someones!"
"Someone, something. Who cares? The point is that they are here. Plus the camera is rolling. And there is nothing that you can do to stop it," Yusuke smiled in trumpet.
Hiei went rigid. He turned his whole body around slowly and saw a cameraman filming them.
"How did he get in here!?"
---------- at the same time with Kuwabara and the Fab Five ----------
"So what's the big deal? Where is all his stuff?" a guy with the glasses asked Kuwabara.
"Yeah. This place looks like one big canvas. Only you never started to paint it," another guy said to Kuwabara. His hands were itching to get some paint and paint the whole apartment pink.
"No wonder why you called us. This guy seriously needs some help in his life," the skinniest guy of them said. He was eyeing Hiei's butt. "But he is really cute."
"I know," the blond agreed. "That is exactly what I said. But I think that he doesn't like people calling him cute."
"He doesn't like people calling him short either," Kuwabara said. He nodded his head in agreement with what the blond said too.
"At least he is really hot. I love what he has done with his skin. What does he wash with?" a guy next to the blond asked.
"Uh..." Kuwabara was stumped. Did Hiei wash his skin? Did he even shower?!
"Well, aren't you suppose to tell us what we should and should not do?" the blond asked.
Kuwabara was grateful that he didn't have to answer that question. "Oh yeah. Don't call him short. He has a thing about that," Like that ever stopped him from calling Hiei Shorty. "He knows how to fight. He likes to fight too. And he is really fast. And, and... he likes to sleep in trees?"
"He likes to sleep in trees?!" the one who wanted to paint the place exclaimed.
"No wonder why there was a futon in the bedroom and not a real bed," the blond said in wonder.
"How did he get in here!?" they heard Hiei say.
They all turned around and saw Yusuke trying to hold Hiei back from beating the cameraman. The cameraman just kept on rolling. He didn't really think that Hiei was actually capable of killing but he was backing away from the fire demon with uncertain anyway.
"Fellows, I think that we should introduce ourselves," the blond moved towards Hiei and Yusuke. Hiei shook off Yusuke and glared at him. He looked up to see the blond in front of him. "Hello, I am Carson Kressley," he held out his hand to Hiei who looked at it confused.
"Carson, remember its last name first before first name. It's how they do it here in Japan. And plus, they don't shake hands. They bow," the skinny one said and then he bowed Japanese style. "I'm Rodriguez Jai. I'll be helping you keep up to date in modern culture."
"Oh I get it!" the Carson said and bowed as well. His head coming in real close with Hiei's chest. "I'm Kressley Carson. I'm the expert in fashion." He winked at Hiei. Hiei looked at him appalled.
"I'm Allen Ted. I'll help you with the food and wine. We have to go grocery shopping. There is absolutely nothing in your fridge!" the one with glasses said.
"Did you check the freezer?" Yusuke asked.
Ted ran to the kitchen. "Wow! Loads of ice cream! Can I have one?"
"NO!"
"I'm Douglas Kyan. It looks like you don't really have many problems with your skin. It looks great!" he moved to touch Hiei's face. Hiei backed up a step, out of reach of Kyan's hand, and growled at him. "So, you don't like to be touched," Kyan pouted. He had such good looking skin!
"And I am Filicia Thom," the last one introduced himself. "You have nothing here! There is no art! No pictures! No furniture! And worst, no colors!" he started to cry.
Hiei had a bizarre look on his face. 'Do all gay ningens act so strange?'
"It's okay Thom. I'm sure that you can make this whole house look colorful in no time. And filled too!" Ted comforted the crying Thom.
"Come on boys! Let's go to the bedroom. It's the only room that something in it," Carson said and he led the way towards the bedroom. Everybody followed suit.
"See Hiei. Your boring apartment made one of them cry," Yusuke giving him a lopsided grin. Hiei glared.
Once they all got to the bedroom, Carson turned to Hiei and took out a small notebook from his pocket. "From what your friend told us, you are 19 years old," Hiei snorted. He was much older than that. "You like to fight, you like black, your specialty is with a sword-"
"Oh! Really? You have to teach me how to use one. I never knew how to," Kyan said and went to where the katanas were and picked one up.
"Put that down!" Hiei was immediately where Kyan was and snatched the katana off of the man's hands.
"But if we're to help you, we need to know about you. And looking at what little of your stuff that's here helps us," Jai explained.
"I don't need your help," Hiei snarled.
"Sure. That's what they all say," Carson put his arm around Hiei who quickly moved away. What he wouldn't give to kill them all. Maybe he should. He was already holding a katana. His arm went upwards.
"Relax Hiei," Yusuke said, went next to him, put a hand on his raised arm and brought it down. His grip firm. "Just let them go through your stuff. It's not like they'll break it."
"Exactly!" Thom said and went to see the katanas like Kyan.
"Oh, they're very pretty."
"I like how sharp they are," Ted said as he looked at them as well.
"Why don't you try seeing exactly how sharp they are?" Hiei said with a slight smirk. With luck they might end up bleeding to death.
Just as Ted was about to prick his finger on the katana that he was holding, Kuwabara quickly went up to him. "Maybe you shouldn't do that," he said.
"So the dimwit has a brain," Hiei muttered. He was mad that the baka had stopped the gay guy from poking himself. It would have been interesting to see how they would react.
"Why is that?" Kyan asked. He was about to prick himself on the finger as well.
"Umm, umm, because..."
"Because you might bleed!" Yusuke supplied for Kuwabara.
"Oh, that's okay. We're not squeamish when it comes to blood," Thom said.
"Speak for yourself," Jai said and put the katana back in its sheath.
Yusuke and Kuwabara let out a breath of relief.
"Didn't think that you knew that those katanas were dangerous," Yusuke said to Kuwabara quietly.
"They're dangerous?!" Kuwabara whispered franticly.
"Of course they are. What did you think they were when you stopped them from poking themselves?"
"That they were poisonous?"
"Moron! That's the same thing! And they were made from Makai! Everything is dangerous there!"
While Yusuke and Kuwabara were talking to themselves, Jai was talking to a relatively calm Hiei. That should have been a warning sign to those in the room who were still looking at his katanas, Thom gave a look of distaste at the futon, and Carson went into the closet, without anyone noticing.
"So, Urameshi-kun was telling me that you had been living in this apartment for about three months now. It's weird that you haven't done anything with it yet. I mean it's so dull and boring. And he was telling me before that you were going to have a party here later tonight with all your friends as a house warming for your new house," Jai said.
"Really? He told you that I was having a party here?" Hiei asked with fake interest. He was plotting something inside his head.
"Yeah. It's a good thing that you are too. He also told us that you are a very anti-social person, so a house warming party would do your social status some good," Jai said cheerfully.
'Yusuke is going to die' Hiei thought to himself and envisioned Yusuke tied tightly in ropes and fire all around him. Kuwabara right next to him.
"This is the worst thing that I've ever seen!" Carson exclaimed from inside the closest.
"Why? What is it?" Kyan asked curious.
Carson came out of the closet with something black and blue in his arms. He dumped what in his arms to reveal clothes. "Look! There were only three pairs of black pants in there. And three blue shirts! No shoes! Absolutely no shoes! And that's a walk in closet!"
"Hiei has a walk in closet!" Yusuke yelled in surprise and ran into the closet. "Hiei, why didn't you tell us that you had a walk in closet?! Do you know how much space is in there?!"
"Hn."
"You don't care?! Do you know what Keiko would give for a closet like this?! Sure it's not as big as celebrities', but still! You could practically walk 15 feet in there!"
"And he only has these!" Carson pointed to where the clothes where on the floor. "All black and blue! No other colors! It's like he grew up in a cave!" Carson fell to a dead faint making Hiei visible because he was standing right behind him. His hands behind his back.
"Baka ningen."
The rest of the Fab five gasped in shock went quickly to him. Ted took out something from his pocket and held it out to Carson's nose. He slowly woke up and groaned.
"Ow. My head hurts," he moaned.
Kyan chuckled. "That's because you fell on your head."
Carson gave a weak laugh as well. He didn't really believe him. Yusuke just gave Hiei a look. Hiei returned it with a 'So?' look. Yusuke dropped his.
"Anyways, now that Carson is alright now, Hiei let me finish talking to you in the living room. Thom? Let's go," Jai said and left the room with two males following. Yusuke in tow.
When they got there, Jai said, "So you're going to have that party tonight. Is there anyone in particular that you have in mind to be paying special attention to?" he gave Hiei a suggestive look.
This freaked him out. Was he trying to hitting on him?!
Thom laughed. "Don't think of us like that. It's just that we know that one of your guests tonight is someone special to you. And that you may tell that person that you love her," he gave Hiei a suggestive look as well.
Hiei turned to Yusuke quickly. Yusuke backed away several steps and scratched the back of his head with a sheepish grin. "Hehe. Did I really tell them that?"
"I. Will. Kill. You."
"Oh come on Hiei! We're on TV! Too many witnesses!"
Hiei just took another step closer to him.
"You can't kill me! After all the things I've done for you!"
Hiei just kept on getting closer. Yusuke's back reached the wall. He gulped and closed his eyes. But instead of feeling death touching him, he heard two men laughing. He opened his eyes and saw Thom and Jai with their arms around Hiei. Hiei was looking dead in the eyes of Yusuke. Promising death the first chance that they were alone.
"We think that it's cute," Thom said.
"You must really like her," Jai said just as happily.
Hiei shook their arms off and glared at the two men.
"I do not love the onna," he grumbled.
"Sure you don't," Thom said.
"Oh Hiei!" a voice called from the bathroom.
Thom pushed Hiei in the direction of the bathroom. "Now go to Kyan. He'll talk to you about your skin." Hiei gave one final glare at them all before leaving the room. If only he could kill them all. But he didn't want to go to Renkai prison.
So he could only walk angrily to the bathroom where Kyan was waiting. Kyan was hugging the toilet when Hiei got there. Hiei knew now that all human guy men were crazy.
"There may not be anything in this room besides some dusts and no shower curtains," Kyan said still hugging the toilet. "But this toilet is so clean. I think that I'm in love with it."
Hiei backed away from the man, his eyes wide in shock.
"Okay, now I want you to tell me what you do in the morning when you come to the bathroom," Kyan said getting up from his sitting position.
Hiei just looked at him emotionlessly.
"What do you do when you get up and go to the bathroom? What do you wash your face with?"
"Water," must as well give an answer to the guy. He might never shut up if he didn't answer. Even if it may not be true. For a brief moment, it reminded him of Botan. She just never shut her mouth.
"Water? That's it? You wash your face with water? But you have such great looking skin! It doesn't even look dry!" Kyan went to touch Hiei's face again.
Hiei gave the other man a cold look. "If you try to touch me again, I will not guarantee your safety."
"What about your hair?"
"What about my hair?"
"I think that you should cut it."
"No."
"Come on. It's a bit too long."
"No."
"How about an inch?"
"How about I cut your head an inch?"
"Haha. I love your sense of humor."
"And I hate your sense of stupidity."
"Okay, now that wasn't funny."
"Was I laughing?"
"Don't you ever smile?"
"When I kill someone, maybe then you'll see me smile."
"You have a dry sense of humor."
"Hn."
"So, got any hot Asian friends or are you single and looking?"
Hiei ran out of the bathroom.
---------- with Carson and Kuwabara in the bedroom ----------
"I don't think that you should do that," Kuwabara said.
"Do what?" Carson asked as he opened the window wide open.
"I don't think that you should throw Hiei's futon."
"Why not?"
"He might get mad."
"Oh don't worry about that. He'll be thankful once we're done here," he picked up the rolled up futon from the floor.
Kuwabara tried picturing a grateful Hiei. In his mind was a chibi Hiei saying, "Thank you Kuwabara-sama. You aren't an idiot like I once thought you were. I was the idiot. I'm sorry. You are the strongest fighter I know. And I hope that you would teach me to be just like you."
Kuwabara snickered. Next thing he knew, Carson had the pile of clothes on his arms instead of the floor and was walking towards the window.
"Hey! What are you doing?" he yelled and blocked the window and held up his arms to the side in hopes of trying to stop the other man.
"I'm throwing out these clothes. They are so not happening. And what's with that cloak that Hiei-chan is wearing? They are so Medieval Times," Carson said as a matter of fact.
"Hiei-chan?" Kuwabara repeated. He started to laugh and was rolling on the floor laughing like crazy. "Hiei-CHAN! Haha!"
Once Carson was done with the clothes, he took the small unpleasant looking lamp and threw that out too. Once Kuwabara finally got a hold of himself, he realized that Carson had already thrown out all the clothes and the lamp. He quickly pick himself up from the floor and ran out the apartment to outside where the clothes where threw out. He picked up the clothes and ran back to Hiei's apartment.
When Kuwabara got back, he was greeted with the sight of a red face Hiei and five gay men, each holding a gallon of ice cream in their hands and a spoon. To say that Hiei was angry was an understatement.
'Can not kill. Must not kill,' Hiei kept repeating in his mind. When he got out from the bathroom, he went into the kitchen because it was Ted's turn to talk with him. He talked about how empty the kitchen was and Thom added that the whole place was empty. They talked some more about some other stuff, but Hiei was no longer paying attention.
It was too bad that he wasn't. Because what did catch his attention minutes later was that each of the Fab Five had an ice cream carton in their hands and was eating off it. Eating HIS sweet snow. Then he heard the door slam shut and he turned his head to see Kuwabara holding what appeared to be his clothes. And they were covered in dirt. His face became dark.
He stalked to where Kuwabara was. Murdered promised in his eyes and Kuwabara whimpered in fear.
"Hey. What are you doing over there!" someone called to him and Hiei stopped a few feet away from the buffoon.
That's when he remembered that there were other people in the apartment. And that cameraman. So he jerked on one of the pants that Kuwabara was holding and used one of the legs to whip the cameraman to drop the camera and then turned to Kuwabara again and punched him in the eye. Kuwabara fell to the ground.
"Okay! I think it's time to go!" one of the guys said like nothing had happened.
So two of the guys dragged Hiei out the door and Yusuke called after them, "Hiei! Remember play nice! Or else!"
The cameraman walking quickly behind them, trying to film them with cracked lenses.
Then Kuwabara woke up only to find his back, as well as Yusuke's, were on fire and the both of them started running in circles and screaming, "Fire! Fire! FIRE!!"