Cover Up
TEASER: Dotty reads "Dear Abby" and misconnects the dots . . .
DISCLAIMER: Nothing herein belongs to me except the warped ideas expressed by the main character, the reactions caused by said warped ideas, and the grandchildren not old enough to drive. I really wish Lee and/or the actor who brought him to life so well belonged to me, but Lee, Amanda, and the whole SMK concept belong to Warner Bros. and/or Shoot the Moon Productions. Neither do I own "Dear Abby" – that belongs to Jeanne Phillips, who isn't quite the Abigail Van Buren her mother was (IMHO); quotes herein from her column are from November 20, 2004. The story is set on that date.
RATING: PG-13 for sexual content
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Dribble drabble sparked by a slow night in my lonely bedroom with my local newspaper – companion pieces in "The West Wing", "CSI", and "JAG" sections, as well.
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"Amanda, dear, someone wrote to 'Dear Abby' in response to her response to your letter," Dotty announced to her daughter.
Amanda, who stood at the island in the kitchen chopping onions for the spaghetti sauce she was making, had to holler in response. "What letter, mother?"
Dotty shifted on the couch and the newspaper rattled in her lap. "The one you wrote a few months ago about finding Kim Xi sleeping naked."
Amanda Stetson came into the den, wiping her hands on an apron. "Mother, what are you talking about? I've never written to 'Dear Abby' in my life." If Dotty had bothered to look, she would have seen a confused grimace on her daughter's face.
"Well, then it must have been Lee. I can see where a man as protective as him would be concerned about the implications of his 14-year old daughter sleeping naked." She fluffed the paper out and crooked her head to read through her half-glasses. "'Dear Abby, I suspect that "Worried Mom" reacted so strongly because she's terrified of her daughter's awakening sexuality . . .' Now, can't you just see Lee covering his tracks like the good spy he is by pretending to be a mother instead of a father?"
"Mother." The word escaped more as a sigh than anything. "First of all, I can't see Lee ever pretending to be a woman under any circumstances – and trust me, there have been times when it might have been the best thing for him. Second of all, Lee doesn't even read 'Dear Abby', so why would he write to her?"
"Ah, you just think he doesn't read 'Dear Abby'. I'll bet he absorbs every detail."
Just then, Amanda and Lee's adopted 14-year old daughter, Kim Xi, appeared in the kitchen doorway. "Hey, Mom. Hey, Grandma. Jamie called, Mom. He's coming for dinner."
Dotty smiled. "Why am I not surprised?"
"Mother, did you talk to him today?"
"I might have told him that spaghetti and meatballs would be gracing the table tonight. I wonder what he'll think of Lee's letter?"
"Dad's letter to the editor? Cool. Let me see, Grandma."
Dotty folded down the paper again. "Uh, no, Kim, to 'Dear Abby'."
Kim's elegant almond eyes crinkled in laughter. "Dad doesn't even read 'Dear Abby.' Why would he write to her?"
Amanda smirked at her mother. "Gee, is there an echo in here?"
"You just don't know Lee like I do, dears. He's really a very sensitive man."
Kim and Amanda shared knowing eye rolls before Kim went one way and Amanda backtracked to the kitchen to resume her cooking.
Dotty finished the paper, then turned back to muse over the "Dear Abby" column again. Her youngest grandson, 12-year old Quan Lee, managed to sneak into the den and peered over her shoulder to see what held his grandmother in thrall.
"Ew, Grandma, that's gross."
Dotty jumped two feet off the couch. "Quan, don't you know it's rude to startle people like that?"
"Sorry, Grandma. Who sleeps naked? Yuck."
"Aren't you a little young to be reading 'Dear Abby'?"
"You had the paper open. Don't you know you're supposed to protect me from things that will warp me permanently?" His impudent grin, one that had to be learned from his father because it certainly wasn't genetic, spread from ear to ear across his honey-toned face.
Dotty grinned back, admitting in her smile that he had her firmly twisted around his little finger. "You've been hanging out with your brothers too much."
"Guilty. Isn't it cool that Jamie is stationed at the Pentagon, though?"
"Way cool," Dotty answered, proving that she could keep up with the slang with the best of them. "He's coming for dinner tonight."
"Awesome! I'll bet he doesn't sleep naked!" He turned and ran off for the stairs, passing his father at the kitchen door with an exuberant, "Hi, Dad!"
Lee Stetson shook his head as he sauntered in to the living room, a smudge of lipstick still evident on his mouth. "Hello, Dotty. I didn't think you were back in town until later tonight." He leaned down to kiss her cheek, then sat down at the other end of the couch and grabbed the front section of the paper.
"I got on a stand-by flight. Amanda picked me up at the airport on her way home and invited me to dinner, since I have no food at my house."
"That's good. Who was Quan talking about not sleeping naked? For that matter, why was Quan talking about someone not sleeping naked?"
Dotty looked up over her reading glasses at him. "I think you'll find 'Dear Abby' quite interesting today," she said by way of an answer, swapping the front section in his lap for the Living section.
Lee just looked back at her, confused. She motioned at him to read the proffered page.
When he finished, he looked up at her, more confused than before he read. "Why would you think I would find this interesting?"
"It's obviously devoted to responses to your letter, dear."
He scratched his head, truly concerned but highly amused, too. He turned his head at a noise from the kitchen and met Amanda's gaze as she stood in the door, grinning and rolling her eyes up and down. "My letter? Dotty, I don't even read 'Dear Abby'. Why would I write a letter to her?"
Amanda couldn't help herself. "Gee, is there an echo in here?"
Dotty patted Lee's knee. "Lee, dear, there is absolutely no need to be ashamed of asking an expert for information about the effects of sleeping naked on a 14-year old girl's development. I know you were startled, but Ki –"
Jamie King chose that moment to announce his presence from behind his mother in the kitchen. "Hi, everyone!"
Kim and Quan came tumbling down the stairs to greet their brother, who made them wait until he had shaken hands with his stepfather, kissed his mother, hugged his grandmother, and made himself comfortable on the loveseat across from the couch.
"Wow, Jamie, is that another ribbon?" Kim asked him, pointing to the left side of his immaculate Marine Corps uniform. She squeezed in between him and the arm of the loveseat.
"It sure is, kiddo. My previous unit was awarded the Navy Presidential Unit Citation last week, but the order just caught up with my CO here."
"Wow." Quan's eyes went wide as he looked up from the floor. "For that mission you can't talk about in a place you can't tell us about or you'll have to kill us, right?"
Jamie reached out and scruffed his little brother's hair. "You got that right." He traded knowing looks with Amanda and Lee.
"Awesome. Hey, Jamie, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, dude."
"Do you sleep naked?"
Jamie blinked and looked to the other adults in the room. Lee shrugged, helpless. Amanda shook her head with a smile, as though enjoying his discomfiture after all the awkward questions he had once asked her. Dotty wouldn't meet his eyes, which told him she was the culprit. He wasn't an intelligence officer for nothing.
"Why do you want to know?"
"Because Dad wrote a letter to 'Dear Abby' pretending to be a woman because he was worried about Kim sleeping naked and getting messed up."
The uproar lasted five minutes before Amanda finally whistled everyone quiet. "Okay, this has gone on long enough. Mother, for the last time, Lee didn't write to 'Dear Abby.' Not that letter, not ever. Kim, it's perfectly okay for you to sleep however you're comfortable. Lee, learn to knock first, your daughter is growing up. Quan, there will come a time when you will want to sleep naked, and that's going to be perfectly okay, too. Jamie, if you do sleep naked, I just hope it's alone right now."
Everyone looked up at her in stunned silence for several seconds.
Then Quan flashed his impudent Lee-like grin at her. "Mom, do you sleep naked with Lee?"
Amanda turned and went back to her blessedly quiet, unquestioning spaghetti and meatballs without answering the question to which only one other person in the house truly knew the answer.
Lee just sat back against the couch with a satisfied grin.
Four voices chorused their interpretation. "Ew!"
-- FIN –