Title: The Depths of Devotion

Author: Zelgadis55

Beta: Diva Urd

Series: Saiyuki

Rating: PG13

Warnings: Kougaiji-centric fic with major spoilers for Saiyuki Reload Gunlock episode 6. Based on events that started in Saiyuki Reload 14 – 16 and continued in Saiyuki Gunlock 2 – 6. Half this story is based on what happens to Kougaiji during those episodes and also goes on to tell of events that were only briefly touched upon in the episodes or not elaborated on. My version of what happened behind the scenes.

Disclaimer: Kougaiji and all other canon characters appearing in this, or any other fic I write do not belong to me but surely I can pretend a little even if only to myself. Saiyuki belongs to Kazuya Minekura and those that hold both the manga and anime rights.

A/N: This is my first time writing a fic like this, in first person POV. If you have any constructive suggestions, please let me know. Also, anything written in past tense signifies (obviously :-P) the past, anything written in present tense signifies what is happening now. Slightly revised.

The Depths of Devotion

Pt 1

I have never felt so nervous in my life, so worried that what I have done is beyond redemption. At my stepmother's command, hers of all people, I unhesitatingly murdered one of my own. He had done nothing wrong, nothing except for being someone conveniently close by whom she could use as a test. If I had been myself at the time, I would have then been humiliated at what followed. I'm humiliated now thinking back on it, being commanded to pamper her, to being her personal slave for those couple of hours. Most of all, I burn in shame over the murders of fellow youkai that I committed after that and of the way that I treated those closest to me.

Yaone and Dokugakuji, neither of them deserved how I have treated them. I treated them with disdain and even violence when they tried to show their concern for me. I even threatened to kill them should they get in my way… or even touch me.

I hesitated for a moment before turning to Yaone and Dokugakuji, offering them what I knew was a weak smile, "Will you follow me?" I asked, hoping that they would, yet knowing that I didn't deserve their loyalty. I watched them carefully, hoping that I was doing a good job of disguising the desperation that I was feeling. It would have been an unbecoming thing for me to let even my closest of friends to see, though I knew that under normal circumstances they wouldn't mind knowing my true feelings.

Yaone's hands shot up to cover her mouth and tears began flowing freely from her eyes, "Kougaiji-sama!" I heard her breathe softly, the happiness pouring out with each word.

Dokugakuji stood just behind her, leaning forward with his face a mixture of emotions. It was as if he didn't know whether to be happy, surprised or worried that this was all a dream. However, his words reassured me, unlike any others could have. "Have you lost your mind?" he asked with a laugh, "Do you really need to ask us that, Kou?"

My smile felt stronger, less uncertain, "Then let's go, we have things we need to do."

At those memories, I close my eyes, feeling the wind rush by as my hiryu flies through the air, Yaone holding onto me tightly as if the real me is going to disappear from her sight once more.

"I'm so relieved you're back with us, Kougaiji-sama." She speaks quietly into my ear. In truth, she is speaking a great deal louder than that but with the speed we are travelling at, her words are being snatched greedily by the wind as it rushes past us, making it difficult to hear her.

I turn my head and give her a sad smile, "Thank you for not giving up on me." I am truly grateful to both her and Dokugakuji. They both tried so many times to get through to me, even though I was unreachable. Nothing they had said or done made any difference, at least, not until that last fight with the Sanzo-ikkou.

I had left my friends behind at the castle in order to seek out the Maten Kyoumon that Sanzo possessed, for her. It hadn't been an easy search, though it had been a relentless, untiring one. I would have stayed on the hunt without stopping, until I dropped if need be. I didn't find Sanzo and his scripture but I did find Goku.

When it comes to Goku, I hold a great deal of respect for the young fighter. His fighting prowess and his never-say-die attitude are the most admirable things about him and even though he fights with such skill and has by necessity killed so many, Goku still retains that fundamental innocence. In many ways, he reminds me of my sister. Whenever I fought him and the rest of the Sanzo-ikkou in the past, I always tried to fight them under fair and even conditions. In my opinion, there is nothing worse than treating a honourable enemy in a disrespectful way. In truth, I really don't have the stomach for unfair fights. This time however, when I came across my enemy, I couldn't have cared less. In fact, I no longer cared about anything other than obeying that despicable woman's orders.

I came up behind Goku at a time when he was clearly exhausted and most likely injured from the fight he just finished. I didn't say a word to him but somehow, he knew I was there and he turned to face me. Unfortunately for him, he noticed me too late as I was already attacking.

In the fight that followed, I have to admit this, Goku put up an admirable fight. When he clearly could not, should not, have fought any longer, he still persisted, making comeback after comeback, especially when I threatened the human child who was screaming for me to leave 'Goku-niichan' alone. My enemy made a miraculous comeback then and actually managed to momentarily gain the upper hand. Luckily for Goku, his friends finally arrived and took over the fight from him. That was also when Yaone and Dokugakuji turned up as well. After we rescue my sister, I'll have to ask them about why they were with Sanzo and the other two.

As I was fighting Dokugakuji's younger brother, I vaguely recall Sanzo talking to my friends, even as he was getting ready to shoot at me again. I don't know what it was he said to them but it was then that they stopped staring in shock and moved to protect me. That was the first time I remember being unsure about my orders through the haze that my mind was buried in. I just couldn't understand why they would help me when I had already made it clear for them to stay out of my way. What Yaone said, "Even if you didn't ask for this, I would still do the same thing," and what Dokugakuji said, "We don't care about Gyokumen Koushu's orders, only you matter," threw me into even more confusion and began to warm my heart again. It wasn't long afterward that Goku made another recovery, rejoining the fight with a particularly vicious, for him, attack on Dokugakuji. Though I didn't know why at the time, I jumped in the way of his attack, resulting in my being hit solidly and painfully over the head.

"Kougaiji-sama," Yaone calls from just behind me, "what are you smiling about?"

She sounds happy seeing me smile. I'm glad about that, after everything I have put her and Dokugakuji through. "Nothing really," I reply, turning in my seat to face her, "I was just thinking about how strange it is to be thankful about being hit by Goku's nyoi-bou. It's a strange thing to feel thankful about, don't you think?"

Her face lights up as she shakes her head with a smile, "No it's not, it brought you back to us." Her arms around me tighten a little, just for a moment, "Though we were scared for a while that Goku might have killed you."

I give a small laugh, "It takes more than Goku and his little stick to kill me." I shake my head seriously, "I will not die until after we rescue my sister and free my mother. There is no other option."

I look ahead, realizing we aren't far from home as my thoughts began straying back to that important battle. When I saw Goku about to slam his nyoi-bou into Dokugakuji, my instincts took over and instead I found myself on the receiving end of that attack. Even as everything became dark, it all became light and clear once more. By taking that blow, I not only saved my best friend but I also regained my freedom of thought and action.

After everything I had already put everyone through, I didn't feel like pressing the attack any further. Besides, I knew Lirin was still in danger but unfortunately simply walking away from the Sanzo-ikkou was not and never is, an option. I also wanted to thank Goku for his help, unintentional as it was. I asked Dokugakuji to distract our enemy while I summoned a fire demon and sent it to attack them. As I expected them to, the Sanzo-ikkou backed themselves straight off of the cliff edge and into the water below. It wasn't like they had anywhere else they could go to avoid my summoned demon. Actually, it was quite amusing hearing Sanzo and Gojyo hurling abuse back up the cliff face. I called down to my enemies, telling them that next time, I would be taking the Maten Kyoumon so they had better be prepared.

That over, I turned and walked away from the cliff's edge, noting the expressions of surprise on the faces of those dearest to me. "Let's go, we still have things to do." I commanded. Then I paused and smiled softly, hoping they wouldn't notice how nervous I truly was. "Will you follow me?" I asked.

I break from my reverie as my hiryu lands gently near its stall, Dokugakuji's hiryu also landing just a few meters away. I wait for Yaone to climb off first before dismounting myself. Two hiryu keepers come and take the dragons from us, making sure they are well fed and looked after for the next time we or anyone else have need of them. Dokugakuji and Yaone stand there in front of me, waiting.

"Kou, do you have any idea where Lirin is being kept?" my best friend asks.

Though I try not to let my distress show, my heart clenches when he mentions my sister's name, guilt coursing through my being. About a month previously when Ni Jenyi Hakase first began putting me through his 'treatment' process to control me, I briefly broke free. My immediate thoughts not about Lirin but for my mother alone. Encased in stone as she has been for so long, she has always remained foremost within my mind. Freeing her has become my priority in life. There are those who are just as important to me but in my obsession over saving my dear mother, I forgot about them, about what might be happening to them. At the time, I didn't know that anything had happened to Lirin but not knowing is no excuse. I should have realized. I knew my stepmother, Lirin's mother, had some sort of plans for my sister and that she was holding off only because we were protecting her. Finally, I was 'safely' out of the way and since nobody could watch Lirin twenty four/seven, Lirin has always been too slippery for that, it was the perfect opportunity for them to take her. "I should have known!" I whisper without realizing.

My apothecary and my right-hand man look at each other in concern. "You couldn't have known, Kou." Dokugakuji says quietly, reassuringly.

"What?" I ask in surprise.

"If you were talking about them taking Lirin-sama away, it's not your fault Kougaiji-sama. Both you and Dokugaku were away when it happened." I notice the pain fill Yaone's eyes as she speaks. "I was the one who was supposed to be looking after Lirin-sama, I was the one who let Gyokumen Koushu-sama trick me, I am the one…"

"Stop right there, Yaone, you are not to blame!" I interrupt, "All three of us were fooled, one way or another. I don't blame you. I know that Lirin wouldn't blame you either." I add softly.

Yaone nods in response but she doesn't seem very convinced.

"Lirin is being held in one of Ni Jenyi's innermost labs." I pause, not particularly wanting to continue, "I know this is going to be hard for all of us but we need everyone that we come across to think I am still the puppet of Ni Jenyi and my stepmother." I can feel and hear my own hatred and bitterness creep into my voice as I speak of those I detest the most. Both my bodyguard and apothecary agree with what I tell them. Neither of my friends likes it but they seem to realize it is the only way for us to get to Lirin.

The three of us make our way deeper into the castle. I stride ahead with purpose, trying my hardest to make sure that my expression is as blank as possible, similar to that of the not-so-good doctor's other experimental puppets. My companions follow behind me, keeping a good couple of meters behind. None of us speak, though I know Yaone and Dokugakuji are doing their best to maintain a somewhat distressed air about them, like the one they had displayed before I broke free. That wouldn't really be very hard for them to pull off when I think about it, after all, they, like me, are worried about Lirin.

Any servants we come across who remain free of mind scurry away when they see me coming. Inside, I laugh hollowly. They have obviously heard that I am no longer the person I had been. They are afraid and rightfully so, since under Ni Jenyi's and my stepmother's control, I have killed without a second thought, an act that is now making me sick to my stomach. They don't know I am myself again… and they can't know until I… no, we rescue Lirin. Any other inhabitants of the castle and they are unfortunately plentiful, don't pay any attention to either my followers or myself.

We make it to Ni Jenyi's inner lab without incident. Thankfully, we don't come across that monster himself. At this point, I don't truly know what I would do to that bastard if I saw him. I hate the manipulative son of a bitch more than almost anybody else. In my opinion, Ni Jenyi and my stepmother deserve each other.

'There, it's behind those doors where Lirin is being experimented on.' I think as I spot the entrance. I make a beeline for the doors, planning to walk straight in - and that is when we begin to hit trouble.

To be concluded