I do not own...something, something.

Kirby was travelling the dirty unpaved roads when an old man blocked his path.

"Can I help you, sir?" Asked Kirby.

The old man gazed upon Kirby with a steely stare.

"Heed my words, hero!" Proclaimed the old man. "For you to conquer the evil that permeates the land of Hyrule, you must follow my wisdom!"

Kirby felt his sensibilities die within. Here was the stereotypical prophet to direct the hero to his so-called destiny. The originality in this Adventure of Zelda apparently died alongside with Disney's and cable T.V.

Kirby squinted at the old man. What a nut case. He thought.

The old man ignored Kirby's scrutiny. "To acquire the strength to defeat your arch-nemesis, Ganonndorf, you must travel and face adversity the likes, which would cripple the soul of mere mortals."

Looks like it crippled your brain. Kirby thought with an inward chuckle.

"To that end," continued the old man, "I present to you two paths that will enhance your strength ten-fold."

This piqued Kirby's interest. "Go on." He urged.

"You can either journey throughout Hyrule and gather the items of renown..."

As was well known through the lands of Nintendo, Kirby is a master slacker. Work made him nauseous.

"Augghh, no way."

"Or you can journey through the 'Dungeon of No Return.'"

"Is it shorter?" Asked Kirby.

"Yes," answered the old man, "but-"

Kirby chose to start ignoring him. "Then away to the dungeon I go."

"Fool!" Berated the old man. "No one has returned from that sanctity of demons and monsters. I myself was forever lost in that abysmal labyrinth."

Kirby gave the old man a mock sympathetic look. "Really, because to me it looks like it was just your mind."

The old man's eyes suddenly became dark as the depths of the Void. And when he spoke, his voice beckoned the damned to rise up from Hell.

"Not only my mind my mortal friend," The old man thundered as undead rose from their graves. "That godless domain stole my SOUL!!!!"

A few minutes of awkwardness passed. The zombies themselves started to invade a helpless town.

"I...I have to be going now," stammered Kirby.

Kirby gently shoved the man aside and headed towards the Dungeon.

The old man returned back to his prophetic, semi-sane self. "Remember my wise words, friend."

Kirby made a brief about face. "And you remember to check yourself into a loony boon that has a certified exorcist."

He started sprinted as fast as he could away from the geezer.

The dungeon was quite easy to find. After all, Kirby mused, whoever created it had to incorporate a method of feeding for whatever monster that took residence.

He strolled into the dark, entrance carefully treading upon the ground for fearful of traps that could maim him.

When he entered a cavern lit by torches he breathed a sigh.

To his relief the labyrinth was actually a straight path leading up to an enormous iron-wrought door. To his disappointment it meant the old man was lying.

He strolled up through the iron-door. The room he was in was pitched black.

"Uh-oh, Kirby senses tingling," he said while the author got sued for copyright infringement. "That can only mean one thing..."

The door slammed shut behind him.  Torches became lit by magic. His eyes squinted in the sudden illumination. In front of him stood a giant scorpion.

"GRRRRR!!!!"

Kirby stood frozen in shock. As the scorpion continued growling, but doing nothing, Kirby's shock faded to fear, than apprehension, and finally annoyance.

The scorpion, sensing an anti-climax, proceeded to slather and clack its pincers.

Noticing no reaction, the scorpion ceased its clacking.

"Screw it," it said. "I'm just gonna eviscerate you."

"I like to see you try," challenged Kirby.

"Oh yeah!" Retorted the scorpion. "You're about to see my floors be decorated with your intestines!"

Minutes past...

ZZZZzzzzZZZsnort ZZzzZZZZZZZZZ

"Hey. Hey! HEY!! WAKE UP, DAMN IT!!!" Demanded the monster.

Kirby slowly awakened from his slumber and gave a great yawn. "Its not my fault for falling asleep." He said drowsily. "You just stood there."

The scorpion somehow managed a bashful look. "Well I was trying to figure out a way to kill you."

Kirby tried not to burst out laughing.

"I see," he said with a stoic face.

A rare moment of brilliance suddenly struck Kirby's brain. He flipped the shotgun and pointed the muzzle at himself.

"Now," Kirby said loudly, "I shall destroy you with this boom stick. Which...ehhh...killed Goliath."

"Didn't David do that with a rock?" asked the scorpion.

"...No."

"Gimme that!"

The scorpion swiped the gun and held it exactly as Kirby did a moment ago.

The scorpion chuckled. "So long, loser."

It pulled the trigger and promptly shot itself in the face.

BOOM

Kirby gave a spiteful laugh. "Heh suc..."

The scorpion scratched its head in confusion. "...Didn't do anything."

"Oh... crap...," thought Kirby.

The scorpion tossed the gun back to Kirby. "It's broken pal. Hope you got warranty"

Kirby started brainstorming. "What the hell do I do now?"

Suddenly an angelic version of Kirby popped out of nowhere onto Kirby's shoulder, and a devil version of Kirby on the other. A holographic image of Obi-Wan Kenobi appeared on Kirby's head.

"Kirrrrrbby," whispered Obi-Wan, "use the force!"

"But I don't have the force!" Protested Kirby.

"Well then my friend, you're screwed."

Then he vanished.

The angelic Kirby chimed in. "Kirby, believe in yourself!"

Kirby shot the angelic Kirby a venomous stare. "How the hell is that supposed to help me? Give me advice that I can actually use."

The Devil Kirby started pointing his finger to the ground. "Oooh, look, a shiny penny!"

"Look," an annoyed Kirby muttered, "I need some concrete advice, not philosophical crap to ponder while he guts me, and there ARE no pennies."

The Devil Kirby pointed towards the monster. "Oooh, look, a shiny dog!"

Then as if someone was listening to Kirby's pleas for help, another apparition appeared, which looked vaguely familiar.

"Old man?"

The apparition gave a nod. "It is I, who has come in your direst of perils."

"I've already met an angel, a devil, and a holographic image of Obi-Wan Kenobi proclaiming me good as dead. What advice can a possessed lobotomized lunatic offer?"

As if deaf to the spiteful comments, the Old Man continued talking. "Heed my wisdom, for I shall present to you a vision to aid you!"

A plasma flat screen television rose up from the solid rock floor of the cavern. The Old Man took out a remote and flipped the on switch.

"Behold!"

An old wheezy voiced the title captions:

"And now Moleman presents to you: Football in the groin."

A camera shot of Hans Moleman standing outside his door. A football comes from off screen and hits him in the groin.

(DOING)

He collapses clutching his groin.

FIN

Everyone, except the old man, stood in stunned silence.

"Remember this, Kirby," said the old man as he vanished, "for it is your key to victory. Farewell!"

The Old Man vanished along with the heaven and hell hallucinations of Kirby.

Kirby shook his head in aggravation. "Worst advice ever!" He proclaimed.

The scorpion snapped out of its stupor. "I think I've waited long enough."

It lunged at Kirby.

"WAHHHHH!!!"

By accident, Kirby triggered his shotgun. The blast impacted upon the scorpion's underbelly...a little lower actually.

"ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!"

The Scorpion fell clutching its groin.

The exit immediately appeared afterwards.

Despite the salvation that lay ahead, Kirby felt the need to mock the castrated creature. "Don't worry, I don't think the ladies will notice anything different from before!"

Then he dashed for the exit.