The ownage...of ssbm...i do not possess. ROX on, ROx off, rox on, rox off...etc.
It was three quarters of the way to Bowser's castle and Kirby was starting to zone out. More often than not, his opponents preferred to walk off cliffs. He thought it strange that Mario got paid big bucks to do this. It made him laugh almost as hard as the time he watched that old lady slip on a patch of ice. It turned out though, she had a black belt in judo and Tae Kawn Do.
When she finished integrating the pavement with Kirby's face, she called the police and said he attacked her. The officers, of course, believed the sweet old lady and imprisoned him in a dog pound by mistake. The dogs all thought he was a chewtoy, kirby thought he was ina circle of Hell.
Yup, pleasent memories.
He refocused his attention when another goomba was walking towards him. Once again, he prepared another jump to end its life.
To Kirby's surprise, the goomba stopped, fell flat on its face and started to whimper.
"NO! Stop! No more! I can't take it anymore!"
Kirby halted a few feet away from the goomba.
"I don't know what the hell are you talking about. I just met you."
The goomba proceeded to bust open the water works.
"Do you realize how many goombas there are in this stupid game?"
Kirby began mentally counting his stomp kills.
He couldn't tally a precise count. "At this point i say around 150?"
"Wrong!" Shouted the irate goomba. "There are only five goombas in this game. We are respawned, upon our death, so we can be trounced over and over and over!"
He pointed an accusing foot at him.
"Out of the150 you stomped, I happen to make up half of that statistic!"
He fell on his face weeping.
Kirby felt embarrassed and a little sympathy towards the pathetic underling.
"Uhh, look," Kirby began, "I..I don't have to kill you. I could just jump over you and be on my way."
The goomba looked with teary eyes.
"You do that for me?"
Kirby nodded.
"Oh thank you!"
Kirby smiled at his exultations. "It's no problem."
Just as Kirby was about to leap over him, he tripped. Time seemed to dawdle along, prolonging the terror, allowing the goomba to watch his impending doom served up to him with a can of whoop ass by fate. It all cost around 2.99 with tax.
The goomba blew a hard sigh. "Just remember next time, okay?"
"It's going to be hard to discern you from theother goombas," said Kirby.
"Never mind, just go."
Kirby got off the depressed, and deflated, foe and resumed his travel.
As he continued flattening brain-dead turtles and walking mushrooms, he began thinking about the princess. Never once had he seen her suffer through any bout of weakness. At a SSBM party, he had seen her rip through steel doors that lead to aged wine cellars. Infuriatingly pissed were words that barely described Zelda's rage. She transformed into Sheik and pummelled Toadstool around. Surprisingly, Toadstool held her ground and managed to battle Sheik to a stalemate.
The more he thought about it, the stranger it seemed. On a hunch, he mentally added another item to the grocery list Bowser gave him. The item wass expensive, no doubt about it, but he felt it was going to be a wise investment. Besides, it was Peach's credit card.
"Damn it, Bowser!"
The princess slammed the fridge door and stomped her way towards the throne room. The many goons of the turtle king fled before her. Those that did not avoided contact met unfortunate ends. She force feed them bob-bombs and shoved them out of the castle view ports.
At the throne room entrance she placed her hands on the doors and shoved hard. The result was a fragmentation shower of iron and oak wood. Instead of defending their king to the death, Bowser's guards took that moment to wet themselves.
Bowser was passed out from drinking several cases of vodka. Drool was flowing in buckets from his mouth. The occasional fart proved he was still alive.
She marched right up to the snoring turtle and started shaking him violently.
"AHHH! What, What is it?"
She pulled him close to her murderous glare.
"Your fridge is no longer stocked with any raw meat!"
The turtle king frantically looked around for his guards, and he fell into despaired when he saw them soiling themselves.
Must not follow suit he thought to himself.
"Listen," he strained through her iron vice grip, "you're more than welcome to eat one of my troopers."
The princess frowned at his suggestion. "You're army stinks, literally and figuratively! Look at your guards! They don't even use toilets!"
She used her right hand and started slapping him.
"You will get me my food, you damn, dirty, turtle! Do you know why! Because I am getting mad and when I get mad I-"
The princess felt a slight puncture on her neck. She reached behind and pulled out a dart.
"A tranquilizer dart? You must be joking. It will take more than one to-"
She never got out the words as the S.W.A.T. (Special Weapons And Turtles) squad opened fire with modified chain guns that fired tranqs.
The princess tossed the unconscious Bowser onto his throne and headed towards the squad.
The captain roared into his com link. "Command one! I am requesting RPG's! We're probably going to need them!"
The sheer force from the impact of the darts were slowing her down, but however slow she was moving, it was still too fast for comfort for the S.W.A.T. squad.
Finally the ammo belts were expended. The squad became petrified with fear at the silence of their main weapons.
"Everyone back off," whispered the captain. "The tranqs should be in effect at any moment."
Slowly they scooted towards the door. The princess, sensing their fear and attempt at escape, roared a ground-shaking cry. She lunged towards the squad.
"AHH! We're going to die!!"
The troopers hugged each other and waited for their inevitable death.
When the princess crashed into them, each expected her to rip their skulls open and feast on the gooey inside.
When nothing else happened they slowly opened their eyes.
The princess was asleep.
The captain wiped the streams of sweat from his face. He picked up his com link.
"All clear, repeat, all clear. We are proceeding to relocate the prisoner into sector Z. Over."
"Uh, Bob," chirped his com link, "we don't have a sector Z."
The captain scratched his head. "Very well, we shall secure the package within the dungeons."
The response was another negative. "Sorry Bob, but the dungeon was recently renovated into a recreation centre. That and the fact that no one wanted to be posted there would've made it pretty pointless. It was dark, damp, and than there's the smell. I always thought that Bowser secretly installed a toilet there."
The captain resisted plugging himself full of tranqs. "How can we have no dungeon? Is it not a rule, nay a cardinal principle, that all self-anointed foes of those that tread the path of good shall possess chambers of horror and despair?"
The captain heard some rustling of paper in his com piece. "Sorry Bob, apparently our charter of evil has no such amendment."
The captain heaved a sigh of resignation. "Fine we'll just shove her into Bowser's room. Those Mithril doors should be able to contain her."
He shouted commands to his troops to clean up the battleground. He hefted the princess with a grunt and made his way up the stairs.
He groaned as he took the first of the many flights of steps that led to the top and to Bowser's chambers.
"I swear," he told himself, "the princess seems more beast than human."