Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine (Unfortunately, I know.) They are all property of Watase Yuu. Please don't sue, I'm just borrowing them for a bit of fun.
Author's Note: Ever wonder what Gods do when they get a little bit plastered?? Well, this is my version. It's all meant for good fun, I hope you all enjoy! R&R are encouraged and appreciated!
When Gods Get Drunk...
By: Fury
One fateful Saturday afternoon Seiryuu-seikun was playing a game of solitaire. Unfortunately, though he had been playing for some time no shorter than a week, he was losing terribly. "Shimatte!" The God cursed, "I have been playing forever and still I have not won a single game! "I wonder, how many cards are in this confounded deck!?" And so he began counting "1...2...3..." –this continued for several moments... "49...50...51...51?! No wonder! sigh This is the LAST time I borrow a deck from Bird-Butt!—Hmm, I wonder what old featherbrain's up to now?" Seiryuu picked up a phone that had somehow suddenly materialized and dialed Suzaku's number.
"Hello, this is the all-mighty Suzaku's answering service, how may I help you?"
Seiryuu rolled his eyes at the chipper female voice. "Well this is the ALL MIGHTY Seiryuu-seikun, let me speak to bir...um, I mean Suzaku."
"Hold on a moment please!"
Seiryuu heard a click and the line went quiet. After about an hour, Seiryuu hung up and tried again. Another Chipper voice answered, different from the first.
"Hello, this is the all-mighty Suzaku's secretary. How can I help you sir?"
Seiryuu covered the phone and cursed. "Bird-Butt has a Expletive SECRETARY?!" Then speaking into the receiver, "Hello, this is Seiryuu, put me on the phone with Suzaku now, please."
"Just a moment. He'll be right up."
Seiryuu thought as the phone line went silent. "Geez, a secretary, an answering service, 'all-mighty Suzaku'... What a dweeb!" He cursed out loud as he realized that no one was going to pick up the phone...yet again. He tried one more time, punching the numbers violently into the phone.
"Hello." A male voice answered this time and Seiryuu sighed in relief, thinking finally, Bird-butt... "This is the all-mighty Suzaku's voice mail. Please leave your name, number, message, and if I find thee worthy, I'll get back to you sometime this millennia. If you are one of the other not-quite-as-totally-hip-in-that-awefully-superior-way-than-I-am Gods, dial 867-5309."
Seiryuu took a deep breath, counted to ten, then backwards from ten to one, and redialed. Thirty minutes later, another male voice answered. "Hello, who is this? This is the all-mighty Suzaku's answering machine; please leave your name and number... after the beep. beep"
Seiryuu lost his temper and screamed into the phone. "LISTEN!! For the Tenth time this is the God of the East, SEIRYUU, And He DEMANDS to talk to the God of the South, Suzaku!!!" If you don't get your feathery expletive butt on the line RIGHT NOW I'm going to tar and feather you and beat you till you can't see strait!"
A calm and collected voice picked up the other end, cutting the fuming Dragon god off. "Oh, hi, Seiryuu." The voice was that of Suzaku himself.
"Finally! What's the deal with your stupid phone line circles?" Seiryuu felt about ready to blow his top. Suzaku calmly answered: "Oh, that?? It's to keep idiots like you busy and out of my way for as long as possible. You wouldn't BELIEVE the telemarketing calls we get here...anyway, did you need something?"
Seiryuu felt stupid. "Well I was going to invite you to go out and catch a drink at a local bar or something... but now—" he sulked—and didn't get to finish.
"Sure!" Suzaku said, and appeared instantly in front of him. "Whoa!" Seiryuu hung up the phone. "Don't do that!"
"Sorry."
"Let's go!"
The two walked to a local bar and three hours and several shots of Tequila finds both deities three shades to the wind. They managed somehow to zap themselves back to Suzaku's pad (after first making stops in Berlin and Antarctica). It was there that Seiryuu came up with a BRILLIANT idea. "Heeyey, Suzzzzzzza-Suzie! Howw abouts youu an meeee playalittle joke on the seiiiiishii, ANNN Miikooses tooo!" Suzaku nodded drunkenly and grinned. "Whacchhhha gonnin minnddde?" Seiryuu whispered to Suzaku, who nodded and simultaneously snapped their drunk little fingers.
A white room.
With no doors.
With no windows.
Suddenly stuffed with 14 seishi, two mikos, and a cat.
Lots of FUN...
Soi ran across the room screaming at the top of her lungs. "Shimatte!!! I'm a censored expletive WOMAN!!" Mitsukake chased after her, crying in a high-pitched voice, "Gimme my censored body back! How am I supposed to raise Nakago-sama's chi like this?!" Following the screaming, panicking Mitsukake was Chichiri, awkward on all fours and meowing frantically.
From a cross the room, Nuriko bent over to examine Tama, who surprisingly, cursed; "Don't pick me up! I'm not the censored expletive cat, I'm the EMPEROR!" Nuriko dropped the cat in a hurry. In a deep voice, uncharacteristic of himself, he apologized profusely.
Meanwhile, Hotohori, Walking up to Tamahome, he asked in a light, springy girl's voice, "Are you Tamahome?" Tamahome Replied; "Grunt." ("I used to look like Tamahome when I was a little girl.") From a little ways away, Miaka looked over in interest. "I'm Tamahome." Hotohori threw his arms around Miaka and began kissing her passionately.
In the middle of the room, Tomo sat cross-legged on the floor meditating. Tasuki waddled over and asked what he was doing. Tomo Opened his right eye and said clearly, "Tasuki-Kun, why are talking funny?" Tasuki replied a bit shocked: "I'm not Tasuki, Tomo!" Tomo looked confused, and opened his other eye. He blinked simultaneously and a look of shock flashed across his face. "I—I can SEE no da!! What happened to my scar na no da?!" A very confused Tasuki frowned. "What scar? Just who are you anyhow? Cause you sure as hell aren't Tomo!" Tomo looked up at him and blinked.
In another corner, Yui sat, amazed by her body and about to start looking it over when Ashitare strutted up. He slapped Yui upside the head and asked roughly, "Who the HELL are YOU and what the expletive are you doin?!" Yui thought a moment and a sly smile crossed her face. "I'm Nakago!" She said proudly, and Ashitare heaved a sigh. "Ok, but would you stop that please?" Just then, Mitsukake walked up, overhearing the commotion. "Nakago-sama? Are you Nakago-sama?!" he threw himself next to Yui, who edged away with a look of panic on her face. Mitsukake leaned closer and Yui started screaming. "NONONONONONONONONONONOI'MNOTNAKAGOI'MSUBOSHIISWEARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!" Mitsukake stood up with a look a disappointment on his face. He wandered off, mumbling about where his Nakago might be.
Meanwhile across the room, Nakago sat bored, looking around at the rabid pandemonium. From no where he pulled out a flute, and started playing a lovely, enchanting melody. Mitsukake ran up, excited, and asked if he was Nakago. He shook his head, and then returned to playing the flute. Mitsukake ran off, cursing in the strange female-like voice.
Chiriko walked up next, and calmly said, "Gimme back my body or you shall die." A nervous look fluttered across Nakago's face, and he leaned away from the small Suzaku seishi. "Uh-uh Chiriko-sama. How? What?" He cowered on the floor, awaiting the answer. Chiriko looked up at the ceiling, closed his eyes, and muttered. "Che." He walked away leaving Nakago to watch after him, though shortly, he began playing his flute again.
In yet another corner of the room, Miboshi walked up to Amiboshi and cautiously asked, "Who're you?" Amiboshi looked up from his book. "Chiriko." He said simply, and Miboshi snorted. Rolling his eyes, he asked again, "No, really, who are you?" Amiboshi looked up, confused. "I-Am-Chiriko." He said slowly and watched Miboshi, who got mad, and punched Amiboshi into still another corner of the room. (AN: I bet you're beginning to wonder just what shape this room is, aren't you?) Walking away, he muttered to himself. "Stupid Seiryuu seishi. Hmm-now to find Hotohori-sama!"
Nuriko walked up to the crumpled Amiboshi and asked of he was ok. "Are you sure you'll be fine? I can heal you if you want." Amiboshi sat up, a determined look planted on his face. "That's it, I'm getting to the bottom of this!" He pulled out a pen and pad of paper out of nowhere and Nuriko watched as he walked mumbling and writing.
Meanwhile, Back in the middle of the room, Tomo was sitting cross-legged on the floor, gripping his head and rocking back and forth. "Who am I na no da?!" He would shout every now and then, to the surprise of any passer-by. Mitsukake walked by and bent down to talk to him. "Are you Nakago?" he asked, hope on his face. And Tomo faced him. "I don't know no daaaaaa!!" he cried, and continued rocking. "What a time to have an identity crisis, Tomo you blockhead!" Mitsukake sighed and stood up, still in search of Nakago. Tomo jumped up and screamed, very high-pitched and LOUD. Running around the edge of the room still holding his head, anyone in his way backed off quickly.
Back at Suzaku's 'pad', the two Gods we collapsed on each other, laughing uproariously. Seiryuu pointed at Tomo and laughed, which promoted Suzaku to laugh at Miaka and Hotohori. They both laughed at each other, and then at absolutely nothing at all.
Back in the room, Chichiri had abandoned his shakujo, kesa, and kasa and was clinging to drapes on the wall (AN: But there's no windows!! HEE HEE no escape for the seishi!! Wicked Laugh) and was about half-way up, meowing frantically. Amiboshi walked around the room, watching seishi and then writing stuff down. Mitsukake walked by and mumbled, "Stupid Amiboshi!" Obviously in a bad mood, Amiboshi steers away from him and hurriedly writes something down.
Mitsukake noticed Chiriko over in (yet) another corner of the room, huddled over and glowing blue. "AHA! He's the only one I haven't asked! Could Nakago-sama FIT into such a little boy?" Glancing down, he shrugged and walked over towards the mumbling seishi. "Are-are YOU Nakago-sama?" The small seishi stood up and nodded. "Hai. I am Seiryuu shichi seishi Nakago, reduced to a little, frail boy-seishi." He frowned Mitsukake threw himself violently upon him, smothering him in kisses. "OH, Nakago-sama! I FOUND you!!"
Meanwhile, in another corner of the room, Soi was chasing Tasuki, arms outstretched and a ferocious look on her face. Tasuki had a look of pure sadistic enjoyment on his face, and he held the tessen in front of Soi yet kept it out of reach at all times. Soi let out a stream of curse words so vile even the symbols would wither the paper.
Around the entire edge of the room, Tomo, completely freaked out, ran around screaming "I'm TOMO!". Suboshi looked up from applying make-up, and looked around confusedly. "But I'M Tomo." Then, from nowhere, Amiboshi shouted happily, "AHA! I'VE GOT IT!"
Back at Suzaku's place again, the two Gods stared blankly down at the chaos until Suzaku yawned. "Hey, Seiryuu let's switch 'em back now." Seiryuu nodded, half-asleep and drooling and Suzaku snapped. The two collapsed, snoring.
Back in the lovely little pandemonium that was the room, Chichiri fell off the drapes, a confused look on his face. He stood up and looked around, blinking with his good eye. He smiled and shouted. "I'm ME again no daaa!" He hugged himself, then went to go look for his Shakujo, kasa, and kesa.
Chiriko screamed, mid-kiss with Mitsukake, who also began to freak out. Crawling and ripping away from his tall friend. (AN: But not THAT close of a friend.) Chiriko desperately cried out, "My list! My list! I've got to find it!"
Yui screamed just Ashitare held back his punch aimed straight at her. On the spur of the moment, Yui wrapped her arms around Ashitare and cooed, "I'm me again, yippe, yay!" then, realizing who she was hugging and not relishing the idea, she let go and quickly walked away. "Not, to find Suboshi... and KILL him..."
Nakago suddenly hit a sour note and looked down at the flute he didn't know he had been playing. "Nani? Soi?"
Soi caught herself mid-leap, landing gracefully on both feet. Looking around frantically and not seeing Nakago in sight, she howled. "Nakago! Just when I found you, I LOST you!!" she ran around the room in a panic, looking vainly for Nakago.
Tasuki tripped over his own two feet and fell flat on his bottom, cursing. "Censored OW! Gods expletive that HURT! Oh... I have my tessen back!" the bandit leader walked off humming, tessen slung over his shoulder. After about his fifth step, he stopped and shuddered. "Women!" he muttered, and kept walking.
Miaka opened her eyes to find herself face to chest with Hotohori, who stared down at her in shock. Tamahome walked up and slapped the back of her head. What're you DOIN?" he asked, outraged. This brought Hotohori out of his shock, and he freaked out immediately. He cried, sobbed, and screamed as he ran around looking for help.
Nuriko embraced Hotohori as he crashed into the young purple-haired seishi, crying uncontrollably. "What's wrong, Hoto-Sama?" "Nu—uikkkk—oooo, hellllp MEEE!" He wailed "AHHH! Has Hotohori-sama gone gay?!" A taunting voice, unmistakably Tamahome's called out. Nuriko made a mental note to pound his fellow seishi and group blockhead at a later date. Hotohori looked down at Nuriko with tears still in his eyes. "Anything's better than MIAKA!" He cried, and Nuriko lead him away, consolingly. As they turned away, Nuriko turned his head around towards Miaka and Tamahome, sticking his tongue out.
Suddenly found himself facedown on the floor, seemingly having just fallen over Miboshi. "What pant, am I doing pant, cough?" Miboshi frowned. "GET YOUR GAY BUTT OFFA ME!" He cried, and Tomo climbed up somewhat reluctantly. "Sorry... I think." Tomo said, and Miboshi glared at him. "I'm three fee tall again! And BALD... DAMMIT!" Miboshi turned and waddled away frowning.
Suboshi, now running away from Yui and thoroughly covered in make-up—was trying desperately to rid himself of the hideous facial artwork. "Yui-sama please! You can't call Seiryuu if you kill me!" he called behind him. Yui growled. "I'll get the SHINZAHO!!" Die you perverted little TWIT!"
Amiboshi, confused about where he was, took his arm out of the air and stared at the list I his hand. "Miaka...is Tamahome, Yui is Suboshi??" Chiriko grabbed it from him and clutched it to his chest. "Hey, gimme that back, it's mine!" Chiriko squeaked, and Amiboshi shrugged.
Everyone suddenly found themselves back where they had been before the horrible nightmare they experienced in that horrid white room, except... changed in a way. Most were happy to be back in their bodies again, but some... missed the hour of being different. But all of them left with a sudden longing for a night alone...
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what happens when Gods get drunk...
Owari
Fury
Now incase you're still confused...
Chiriko's List
Tamahome was in Miaka's body.
Miaka was in Hotohori's body.
Hotohori was in Tama Neko's body.
Tama Neko was in Chichiri's body.
Chichiri was in Tomo's body.
Tomo was in Suboshi's body.
Suboshi was in Yui's body.
Yui was in Ashitare's body.
Ashitare was in Tamahome's body.
Nakago was in Chiriko's body.
Chiriko was in Amiboshi's body.
Amiboshi was in Nakago's body.
Soi was in Mitsukake's body.
Mitsukake was in Nuriko's body.
Nuriko was in Miboshi's body.
Miboshi was in Tasuki's body.
Tasuki was in Soi's body.