Disclaimer: The characters are the property of Dick Wolf and company. I have just borrowed them for my own, and hopefully your, amusement.
Summary/Author's Note: Doubt presented us with a momentous event in Elliot's life but did not delve into it too deeply. So, I thought I'd give it a try. Read, enjoy, and review. Thanks!!
Curled up in a corner of her couch, Olivia sipped from a glass of wine. She had the lights turned down low, a couple of candles burning, and a jazz CD playing softly. Outside she could see the blowing snow of a mild snowstorm. She was glad she wasn't fighting New York holiday traffic in this and it felt good to be safe and warm at home. While it wasn't the picture perfect way many others might have spent Thanksgiving evening it was definitely not one of her worst; her childhood holidays had covered those. Even this year her original plans had been to join a couple of women friends for an afternoon meal and an evening of good company. But the events of recent weeks had dampened her already questionable holiday spirit and she had begged off after the meal itself and headed home.
First there had been the cult; all those dead children, Fin leaving on his own, and Elliot being forced to take a week off by the Captain and Huang. She had known at the start of the case that her emotions were riding close to the surface. And that didn't change in the ensuing days. She had been walking an emotional tightrope. And without her partner. Munch was a great cop and a good friend, but he wasn't Elliot. No one knew her like Elliot did; he helped her to find a balance, as she hoped she helped him. But on this most difficult of cases he hadn't been there and she had added concern for him to the rest of her worries. Or the concern had just grown. He had been off for quite some time, tense and getting more so. And she couldn't get him to open up to her.
Following that been this recent "he said-she said" rape case. It wasn't the first time they had doubted either the perp or the victim's believability. And it wasn't the first time she and Elliot had disagreed about a case. But it had felt different this time. It had felt just more somehow.
And of course the continual underlying problem was Elliot himself. She had no idea his marriage had been in so much trouble. She knew he and Kathy fought, usually about the job, but she hadn't known things had gotten this bad. He had been angrier of late, letting his emotions drive him more than usual. And he wouldn't talk to her. She had tried a number of times to no avail. Cragen had stopped her more than once, she wondered now if he had already known what was happening. Elliot had stopped her at other times. Either he ignored her, like not answering his phone when she called or he just came back with his typical "fine, leave it alone, Liv."
But things had obviously not been fine for quite some time. A legal separation and Kathy taking the kids and moving out - no wonder he had been tense and angry. He had to be hurting so much. She knew how much he adored his kids and, their problems notwithstanding, she had always felt he loved Kathy. To have them leave must be tearing him apart. And still he had not said a word. They had been gone for two weeks, not to mention whatever led up to the final straw, and he had never mentioned it to her. And how much longer would he have maintained that silence if that damn defense attorney hadn't used it to accuse him. While she hated that she had heard about it from a stranger, rather than Elliot himself, she was relieved to finally know what was going on with him. Now finally she might be able to help him somehow.
Not that he was going to let her. He was still avoiding her. She had to admit to being not only angry but also hurt by it. She thought he might have been ready to say something the other day at the office, but then Cragen had interrupted them – again. She had hesitated but finally asked him about his plans for Thanksgiving. She hated to bring up a painful topic but wanted to make sure he was not going to be alone. He had finally told her that, for the sake of the kids, Kathy had agreed that he could join them for Thanksgiving. Olivia knew the day was going to be awkward for him at his mother-in-law's but was glad that he would at least be with his kids.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock at her door. Surprised that anyone would be visiting in this weather, not to mention on this day, she padded to the door in her stocking feet. Checking the peephole, she was shocked to see her partner outside. She quickly flipped the locks and opened the door. "Elliot, what are you doing here?"
Elliot Stabler stood there looking more lost than she had ever seen him. He seemed to be struggling for composure as she took his hand and pulled him inside. Giving him a second she closed and locked the door again before turning back to him. She had already noticed the duffel bag in his hand; she now took it from him and set it against the wall. "Elliot?"
"I just couldn't go home. It's Thanksgiving and I couldn't go back to that empty house. Liv, I…" His already strangled voice broke and tears slipped down his cheeks.
"Come here." Closing the distance between them Olivia gathered him into her arms. His arms locked around her as his head dropped to her shoulder. She kept one arm banded around his back as the other hand moved up to cradle and stroke the back of his head. Neither of them knew how long they stood there like that. Olivia could feel his tears wetting her neck and the shudders he couldn't stop. Elliot was simply fighting for control and holding on for dear life. Neither spoke a word.
Some time later Elliot's shaking stopped. Still Olivia kept a tight hold of him and continued to run her hand over his head and neck. Finally, after briefly squeezing her harder, Elliot raised his head and moved away from her slightly. She moved her hands first to his shoulders but then up to cup his face as she used her thumbs to brush away the last of his tears. "Come sit down Elliot." She steered him toward the couch and took his overcoat as he shrugged out of it. Moving to drape the coat over the back of one of her dining chairs, she looked over her shoulder to see him settle on the couch and drop his head on the back cushions. She went to the fridge and grabbed a beer then crossed back to the sofa and sat down on it sideways, pulling her legs up underneath her and facing her partner. She set the beer down on the coffee table and then just put a hand on his shoulder. She didn't say anything, just hoped her presence was of some comfort.
He didn't move, didn't raise his head. When finally he spoke his voice was rough with emotion, "I sat there with my family today and had dinner and then I had to walk out that door and leave them behind. Elizabeth cried, Dickie kept asking me when they were coming home, Kathleen was angry and Maureen was just looking at me like I had disappointed her. It nearly killed me Liv. I've been driving around for a few hours. I just couldn't go back to the house and face their empty rooms. I had already planned on staying in a hotel but then just couldn't do that either. So, I came here."
"I'm glad you did. What can I do El?"
"I could really use a beer."
Without moving much she snagged the beer from the coffee table and put it in his hand. That brought his head up as he looked at it and then met her eyes with a rueful half-smile. "Thanks."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
He took a swig from the bottle. "Not wanting to talk is part of the problem, you know that. I'm never home and when I am I can't talk to Kathy about my day. She says she got tired of having no part in my life. You called it Liv. You said I was going to ruin the best thing that ever happened to me and I did. I guess now's the time for I told you so."
His voice had gotten louder and angrier and at the last his eyes were challenging as they met hers.
"Elliot, I would never…" Her voice was soft as she dropped her hand from his shoulder to her own lap.
He turned to face her more fully and reached to take her hand in his own. "I know that Olivia, I'm sorry. I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at Kathy, but I'm not mad at you. I don't know what to do. It's not a nine to five job and I just can't bring myself to bring that ugliness into my home. How do I tell her some of the things we seen, like those poor kids Liv? How do I put that image in her head, or any of the things we see? I know I'm shutting her out and that it hurts her. But I don't know how to change that."
"What about counseling? Maybe another perspective?"
"We've tried. We've been going for months."
"Elliot why didn't you ever say anything? I know you've fought before. I know you've stayed in the city or in the crib at different times. But I had no idea things had gotten this bad, what with counseling, the legal separation, Kathy taking the kids. Things have been hard for you for quite a while and you never said a word. I'm your partner and your friend. I want to help if I can and just understand what is going on with you."
"I don't understand what is going on with me, how can I make you?"
"But if I had known I could have at least offered support."
"You have whether you knew what was going on or not. I know I have your support, no matter how bad I've been acting lately or how poorly I treat you."
"Elliot you haven't…"
"Yes I have Olivia and I'm sorry."
She covered their clasped hands with her other. "So what happens now?"
"I don't know. We're still in counseling but now Kathy and the kids are at her mom's. She filed the papers for legal separation. Is today what my life is going to be like? Seeing my kids for a few hours on holidays and alternate weekends? Going home alone? I love my kids so much Olivia. I know the job kept me away from them a lot but I always knew they were there waiting for me when I got home. How do I not see them every day? And this is hurting them so much. How can we put them through this?" The earlier anger had faded and only the sadness was left, evident in his eyes shiny with the tears he was fighting back.
Her heart ached for him and his family. And she had to admit to a little anger herself. She was still upset with Elliot for not having trusted her with this earlier. But she knew him. His very character, not to mention their job, demanded the tough exterior. She knew how hard he had to fight to reign in some of his emotions on the job. It just carried over too much at times. And she was mad at was Kathy. She didn't pretend to understand what the other woman faced on a daily basis. Their hours were terrible and she could see how Kathy would feel left out of big portions of Elliot's life. But she really couldn't blame Elliot for not wanting to talk about their cases at home either. On the one hand he didn't want to upset Kathy. But he also wanted, and deserved, any portion of normality he could carve out for himself. But how could Kathy leave a man as good and decent as Elliot? And to do so during the holidays was just terribly wrong.
"What am I going to do Liv? You know, I've even thought of leaving SVU?"
"You have?"
"Kathy hates the hours and the fact that I don't talk to her. Maybe a transfer to another unit would solve that. And nothing else could be as bad as what we see every day."
"You'd really leave?"
"I don't know. I can't imagine not being with my family. But I also can't imagine doing something else. No matter how bad the job gets I have to believe I am doing something good. Something to keep my kids safe."
"You are a fine man Elliot, and a great cop. You do good every single day, for the victims, for your family, and for me. I don't know how I would have gotten through some of the things we have seen without you as a partner. And I don't know who I would be if I couldn't be a cop."
"So you think I should stay?"
"I can't make that decision for you El. If I'm being selfish I would say yes, stay. I can't imagine doing this job without you and would miss you more than I can say if you leave. But if I am being your friend I have to say you need to think about what is best for you and your family. That might be leaving SVU, it might not. I just don't know."
"I don't either. And the indecision and uncertainty is killing me."
"Can I do anything?"
"Would you mind if I stay here tonight? I just can't face that empty house right now."
"Of course you can stay. And no offense, my friend, but you look exhausted. Let me get you a pillow and some blankets. Did you want to use the bathroom first?"
"No, go ahead." He raised the bottle; "I'll just sit here for a few minutes and finish this."
As Olivia rose and went into the bathroom, closing the door behind her, Elliot took another drink and again rested his head on the back of the couch. It had been right to come here, to talk to his partner. He probably should have done it long ago. He should have done a lot of things. And what he had said was true. He had no idea what was coming next. The thought of losing his family for good made him physically ill. But he was an SVU cop too. Who would he be without that? He sat up to put the bottle back on the coffee table and toed off his shoes. The length of the couch beckoned to him and he couldn't resist stretching his tired body out on it. He hadn't been sleeping well for so long and was so tired. He would just close his eyes for a minute as he waited for Liv.
A few minutes later Olivia came out of the bathroom, having done a rushed version of her nightly routine. Her glance fell on her partner, face down and fast asleep. One of her small pillows was under his head clutched tightly in his arms. She went to the closet and got down a couple of blankets before going back to the couch. There she gently removed the cushions at the back to give him more room and then spread the blankets over him. He shifted slightly, mumbled and turned his face out towards her.
Placing one of the cushions on the floor she sat down on it and raised a hand to stroke his head again. The gesture seemed to calm him as the murmurs stopped so she kept it up, maybe it would calm her too. She could not believe he was thinking of leaving SVU. She had told him the truth. She could not imagine going in to work every day and not having him there to back her up and support her. He was her rock. But his family was his and she didn't know what he would do without them. He was her best friend but she had no idea how to help him with this. The important thing for now was that he had opened up a little. He knew she was there for whatever he needed and hopefully he would continue to talk to her and not close up again. She would kick his ass if he didn't because she was tired of just getting the attitude, even if she finally understood what the cause of it was.
Maybe he and Kathy would reconcile without a transfer. And maybe nothing was going to prevent a divorce. She hoped that wasn't the case but vowed to be with him every step of the way.
But in order to help him she was going to need to get some rest herself. She leaned over and pressed a light kiss on the side of his head. With a final stroke over his shoulders she tugged the blankets more securely around him and rose to her feet. "Sleep well partner." Moving quietly around the room she took her wineglass and his beer bottle and placed them in the sink then extinguished the candles and turned off the music. With a final glance to make sure Elliot was still comfortable and asleep she crossed to her bed and crawled underneath the covers. As her own exhaustion quieted the thoughts still crowding her head the final one was that she hoped tomorrow would be better for him. She would do everything she could to help ensure it.
That's what partners were for.