Kankuro Meets Metallica
Author's Note: It was going to be "Gaara Meets Metallica" but I have another fic for him coming up.Also just for the record, I hate Metallica and have hated them ever since they made that half-assed Black album. I know a lot of people will disagree with me on that but thats my opinion. Also their Saint Anger album was a disgrace to metal. Go buy it off ebay for $5 like I did if you don't believe me. For those who don't know, Cliff Burton was Metallica's base player back in the 80's until he died in a bus accident in 86. Also Bob Rock is Metallica's producer. This fic takes place in America. Once again the horizontal rule would not work for me so I had to make my own using dotted lines.....
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One day Kankuro, Gaaraand Temari were getting ready to go uptown. They decided to walk for a change and were about to cross the road.....
"Whoa, hold on there." said Temari holding Kankuro back just before he stepped out into the road. "You gotta look both ways before you cross the street remember."
"Oh yeah I forgot." said Kankuro. He then looked both ways. Nothing was coming so he took a step out into the road.
Suddenly the Metallica tour bus came flying down the street and ran him over......
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Later at the hospital.....
Kankuro was laying in the hospital bed in a full body cast. Just then the door opened and in walked Lars, James, Kirk and Robert of Metallica.
"Hey man sorry we ran you over." said James patting him on the shoulder.
"Wow cool, I can't believe you guys are really here!" said Kankuro all excited to meet one of his favorite bands. "I gotta tell you guys, on message boards on the Internet I constantly defend you guys against assholes who think you sold out!" he said proudly.
"Thats great man. We really appreciate that." said Kirk. "We brought you some stuff too." Kirk pulled up a grocery bag and pulled out a T-shirt. "Here ya go, the new Metallica and Care Bears T-shirt!"
"Uh, thanks." said Kankuro.
"And don't forget, our brand new Metallica brand dental floss!" said Robert taking it out of the bag. "And thats not all. We also got you some Metallica condoms. See, each one has a different band member's face on it!" said Robert. "Isn't that cool?"
"Yeah, thats really..... great." said Kankuro, kinda weirded out by this stuff.
"You guys put that stuff away, we gotta give him our biggest surprise yet." said James whipping out his guitar.
"Yeah man this is gonna be great!" said Robert pulling out his bass guitar.
"To make up for running you over we've decided to put on a concert for you. Right here, right now." said James.
"Kick-ass!" said Kankuro. "How about playing something from the Black Album?"
"We'll do ya one even better. We're going to play our entire Saint Anger album!" said Kirk excitedly.
"Uh, wait a minute....." said Kankuro suddenly feeling uneasy.
"Aww crap man! I forgot my drums!" said Lars, disappointedly.
Kankuro would have wiped the nervous sweat from his brow if he was able to.
"No problem man." says Kirk. "You can use these bed pans here." Kirk holds up two bed pans he found.
"Ah great man!" says Lars setting them up and pulling out his drum sticks. He gives them a few bangs and it sounded just like his snare drums. "This is perfect!"
"Oh goddamit...." cursed Kankuro. "You know guys this isn't really necessary....." he said.
"1, 2, 3 Hit it!" shouted James ignoring Kankuro.
The band started out playing the St. Anger title track.....
"SAAAAAiiiiinnnnnttttt AAAAANNNNNggggggerrrrrrr round' my neck!!! HHHEHEEEEEE nnnnnneeever gggggeeeetttttssss respect." sung James.
Robert got going on his bass guitar. It sounded like finger nails on a chalk board and every glass object in the room instantly shattered.
Lars beat the hell out of those bed pans making the most annoying sound ever......
Kirk just sorta stood there.......
"TTTTHHHHHEEEEnnnnnn MY WORld SHHHAKKEESSS!!! liKKEEEE an EARTHQUAKEEEEEEE!!!!!" James continued to sing.
Kankuro eyes bulged and he desperately tried to get his hands up to his ears......
Just then a nurse busted into the room. "Excuse me, Joey? Joey are you in here?" she said.
Metallica stopped playing.
"Who's Joey?" asked Lars.
"Oh he's one of the kids here with Down Syndrome." said the nurse. "I could have sworn I heard him in here singing....."
"Oh that was just me." said James. "My new style of singing rocks huh?"
The nurses jaw nearly hits the floor. "OH MY GOD....... METALLICA!!!!" she screams like a dumb fan girl. "I absolutely love you guys!!!! BLACK ALBUM 4EVER!!!!"
"Uh, yeah that one was ok but St. Anger is way better." said Lars.
"Keep up the good work guys!" she said with a wink and leaves the room.
Metallica got back to playing and made it up to the song "My World" before Kankuro snapped. He began thrashing about in pure agony as Metallica's audio assault attacked his mind. In his thrashing about he accidentally ripped a tag off his pillow that said "Do not remove, under penalty of law"......
Lar's eyes bugged out and his face turned pure red as he heard the tag rip.........
"YOU BROKE THE LAW YOU BASTARD!!!!" he screamed as he leaped onto Kankuro and got all in his face. "I'M CALLING 911 YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!!!!"
"Don't you think you're over reacting a bit....." said Kankuro honestly confused with Lar's behavior.
The rest of the band stopped playing, concerned with the situation. Lars then jumped off and grabbed the phone.
"911 how may I help you?" said the female 911 operator politely.
"This..... this guy....." Lars quivers in anger but regains composure. "He..... he...... RIPPED THE TAG OFF A PILLOWWWWW AGHGHGAHGHGHGHGHG!!!!" screamed Lars.
"Stay calm, I'll send the police right away." said the operator.
"NOOOOOOOO!!!! He has to suffer way more than that!!!" shouted Lars. "Have the Feds search his freakin' house!!! I bet this sick bastard is involved in way more illegal shat!!!"
"Ok just a minute....." said the operator. "Ok there we go, the Federal Marshals have been dispatched to Mr. Kankuro's house."
"You can't do that! The Feds don't have a search warrant!!!" shouted Kankuro.
"The Patriot Act says they don't need one so tough shit kid." said James.
30 seconds pass.....
"Mr. Ulrich? The Federal Marshals have located a hoard of porn and empty liquor bottles. I believe Mr. Kankuro is only 13 correct?" said the operator.
"Yeah! He' under aged for that stuff isn't he!!!!" said Lars angrily. "That sick bastard!!! Drinking alcohol under aged and looking at porn in a community that states he must be 21 to do so!!! YOU'RE GONNA GET THE CHAIR FOR THIS YOU ASSHOLE!!!" shouted Lars pointing at Kankuro.
"That's Baki's crap not mine!!" shouted Kankuro.
"Also we have uncovered a ton of downloaded Metallica songs on his PC......" said the operator.
At this point Lars riped the phone out of the wall and thew it at Kankuro. His face turned beat red and he began shaking with pure anger. The rest of the band are looking pretty mad too.
"You...... you......." Lars quivered with rage. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU DAMNIT!!!!"
Lars jumped on top of Kankuro and began beating the hell out of the injured boy. The rest of the band chipped in and helped with the ass kicking. Soon they became all out of breath from beating his ass so much.
"Now, its time to finish you off....." said Lars about to stab Kankuro in the chest with the Metallica brand bowie knife they brought as a gift.
"Hold on, this guy deserves much worse than death." said James. "Lets take him back to our lair and sacrifice him to Satan."
"Good idea." said Robert.
They grabbed Kankuro and sneaked out the window and got into their tour bus and drove back to their lair, which used to belong to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles before they killed them and Splinter.
A little while later they had Kankuro strapped down onto a pentagram alter and were praying to Satan.
"Satan come accept this offering, amen." said James.
3 hours passed......
Then Bob Rock walked in with a pair of fake devil horns on his head.
"It's about time you got here Satan!" said Lars a bit annoyed.
"Sorry I'm late guys, my meeting with Dubya ran a little late." said Bob.
"Well anyway, we present this bastard who downloaded our music as an offering to you." said James proudly.
"Good. Allow me to begin the ceremony by removing his testicles." said Bob with an evil grin as he pulled out a set of hedge clippers.
Just then Shino walked in with a pistol and shot Bob in the head.
"What the hell......" exclaimed Kankuro.
"I finally got that bastard." said Shino with Cliff Burton's voice.
The Metallica members staggered for a bit and then looked confused.
"Where are we?" asked James in a daze.
"I have freed you guys from the butt-chip implants that Bob Rock gave you and used to control your minds." said Shino/Cliff.
"Hold on just a minute. Why do you sound like Cliff?" asked Kirk.
"I'm his reincarnation you tard." said Shino/Cliff.
"YOU!?!?! Why you of all Naruto characters?" asked Kankuro in disbelief.
"Because I'm the only male character who's cool enough." said Shino/Cliff.
"Man can you believe all that crap music we made when we were under Satan's control?" said Lars.
"Yeah man, I can't believe we made disgraces like the Black album." said James.
"Hey wait a minute......" said Kankuro.
"Well lets go make some good music, like we did in the old days." said Shino/Cliff whipping out a bass guitar.
"Yeah something like Ride the Lightning, or Master of Puppets. Those albums rocked!" said Kirk getting excited.
"Guess we don't need you any more Robert." said James shooting Robert in the head with a .454 Casull Taurus Raging Bull revolver.
Metallica then left, all hyped about making another good album.
Kankuro remained tied to the alter until he died from starvation and the rats ate his body, thus completing the circle of life.
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Meanwhile in hell, Satan from South Park was sitting on his throne thinking about how he just lost control of Metallica, one of his favorite pawns.
"Damnit, I was so close to turning Metallica into a purely pop group!" cursed Satan, slamming his fist into his arm rest. "Now, I'll have to come up with another plan to reek havoc on earth!"
Just then Kurt Cobain came up to him.
"Um, Mr. Satan? How about we launch a plan to get revenge on Courtney Love for having me assassinated?" he asks shyly.
"Let me think about that." said Satan. "Hmmmmmmmm........... no. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAHAHAHHAH!!!!"
"Man I hate this place...... " cursed Kurt in disappointment.
Just then Matthew Shepard came up to him and rubbed a hand up his leg. "Its alright Kurt baby, I'm sure everything will turn out." he says cheerfully, rubbing Kurt's ass.
".........I really effin' hate this place." said Kurt.
The End.....
or is it?