A/N Remember how I said this story would have gay girls, and not guys? Well, I changed that (there's a not so subtle hint in Ch 5) I hope you don't mind, I just felt like putting an odd little twist in there.
Chapter 6: A Revelation
As Tonks hopped vigorously around the room, as a slippery green toad, a round of applause was given to the twin Weasley brothers. Hermione's hands remained limp at her sides; her unfaltering gaze held with Fleur's for what seemed like an eon. Only when the Potters stood up to greet her did metallic pale blue part with soft wooden brown.
It was in that instant, stretching like overworked tendons, that all was forgotten for the newly returned friend. The witch whose magical prowess grew progressively stronger with every passing year could not decipher her feelings. A sad hollowness that had once snaked around her heart began to recede. Those beautiful fear-stricken eyes, that silky red hair, the memory of those haunting lips, pressed against her own... were forgotten, for a moment. And in that single moment, Hermione realized that the love she held for Ginny had changed long ago. She was simply holding on to a dream of the past, a dream she should not have let hold her back from her friends.
Quickly, Hermione excused herself and ran to the bathroom. Staring quizzically at her features as the seconds raced by, she knew more clearly than ever that she had been a fool. A fool who failed to see anyone in a light other than friendship; but the locking of her eyes with the French woman had jostled her thoughts just enough to allow for a new kind of hope to begin.
Settling in to Big Hollow was easy and familiar, like casting a simple levitation spell for the first time in years. The welcome addition to the community had taken time off from work, although she could have easily done her job anywhere in the world. She was as curious as ever, never losing that trademark Gryffindor adventure streak. It was this curiosity that brought the bushy haired witch to the doorstep of Tonks and Lupin. A shuffling could be heard from just behind the wide oak entrance, and before she could lift her fist to knock, a burly looking teenager answered the door. The teenager was blue-haired and androgynous; s/he smiled broadly before transforming back into Tonks.
"Hey, great to see you out and about Granger. Why don't you come on in, I've been working my ass off lately and could really use a break," her carefree mood began to rub off on the younger witch. "Just a minute ago I was trying out new appearances for fun. It's hard though, sometimes I wish somebody else could play the game with me."
"Actually, I came to talk to Lupin for a bit... but now that you mention it, I could use a break too," she yawned and stretched, making her way into the den. "I've been cooped up in my new place, unpacking and organizing almost non-stop. If you want, you can always morph your facial features and have me guess who you are, like we used to do with Ginny back in the day." Hermione smiled sadly at her memories. Aside from thinking about her new feelings for Fleur, the pain was still quite fresh where it came to Ginny.
For about an hour Tonks and Hermione played the game together, until it seemed that their noise disturbed someone. The werewolf ambled through the hallway, rubbing his sleepy eyes. Groggily, he said, "Evenin' ladies," then proceeded to yawn and stretch. Last night had been the last phase of the full moon; it was obvious he was still recovering from the painful transformation.
"Ah, good evening to you too Remus. Granger here actually stopped by to see you, but I suppose it was a good thing we let you rest a while longer?" Tonks flashed him a pointy-toothed grin, then went to get him a steaming mug of rich black coffee.
Lupin rolled his eyes at Tonks and sat down next to Hermione. "Well, what can I help you with? No one's fessed up, but I do get the feeling something happened between you and the Potters." He had a sort of curiosity behind his wise features.
As Tonks returned with the bitter steaming liquid, the other witch froze. She barely dared to breathe, staring fearfully at her former professor. It would destroy her if what occurred that night had become the new main gossip around Big Hollow. But the sensible part of her kicked in and she visibly relaxed. Even if it was the new community gossip, no one would ever be malicious about it. The twins would surely tease her, with the help of Tonks of course, but nothing truly damaging would come of it. Except perhaps the damaging of her pride.
Almost on cue, the stealthy witch got up, leaving the two brainy-er magic folk to their seemingly important discussion. Tonks was much more interested in goofing off at the moment; she didn't want to sit around and be serious. With that, her mind was made up, "Listen you old crusty bats, I have an exciting mission to go on; involving none other that the Weasley twins." Her ears grew at least six inches outward. "So, I guess you two can sit here and be boring all you want." As her ears returned back to normal, her skin turned a murky green, then back again. Lupin laughed heartily, but Hermione wasn't quite used to Tonks' random acts of weirdness just yet.
Clever and brave as she might be, Hermione wasn't quite sure how exactly to approach Lupin with the delicate subjects she wanted to discuss. 'It's now or never though, so I may as well just plunge right in.'
"Lupin... I," but she was cut off.
"Call me Remus, please. We've known each other how long?" His brotherly smile eased the young woman.
"Yes, you're quite right... Remus," it sounded strange to be calling a former teacher by his first name. She continued, emboldened, "Obviously everyone at Big Hollow knows about your collapse on the night of my arrival. I don't want to seem rude, or nosy, but I'd really like to know what's been going on. As you already know, I have invented many useful spells... including spells related to magical illness. Do you see what I'm getting at?"
"Absolutely. Dumbledore said it was only a matter of time before you came 'round, offering your services... But I'm afraid not even you can help me Hermione. Can I share something with you?" It was almost as though he needed for her to say yes, Lupin leaned forward.
"Anything, you know that," her curiosity was building as his voice dropped to a whisper.
"The reason, my dear young woman... is still a mystery to us all. But I do have a theory, not based at all in any sort of proof or fact. It is a theory nonetheless, and one which you may appreciate," his lips twitched upward a bit, "you always had the biggest thirst for knowledge out of anyone I have ever known."
Beaming inside, eyes bright with pride, Hermione nodded. "This may be a challenge, I know that. Isn't that half the fun?"
Lupin chuckled a bit, "I thought you'd say that. The thing is, you have to understand when exactly this 'illness' began. It was shortly after the incident at the Department of Mysteries during your fifth year at Hogwarts." Hermione nodded, taking in his every word. Sometimes she still woke up, sweating and clutching at her chest as though the pain of that voiceless spell had returned. She would never forget the terror, or the adrenaline rush that coursed through her Gryffindor blood.
"So Remus, you think that sometime during the battle, you were affected?" her brow furrowed as she looked at him.
"Well, yes and no. As I'm sure you are aware, I was involved with Sirius in much more than a friendship-only type of way," he blushed slightly at this, and then saddened considerably. Even after so many years, he missed his lover. "We both knew that we were more than lovers, Hermione. It may be difficult for you to understand... I know what happened between you and Ginny the night I collapsed, so you won't really be able to see where I'm coming from." Lupin drew in a sorrowful breath. "You've never experienced love first hand. You've been in the distance, watching it, wanting it, but never grasping it. I know you tried, but you won't have it with Ginny."
The spell inventor sat still, politely waiting for him to finish. Although, that last bit did sting a bit, Hermione tried to take all the information it. 'He must have a point to this all,' she thought.
"It is a strange thing Hermione, very strange. Once a wizard, or witch, has become bound in the way that Sirius and I were... well, we can sense when another pair is near, even if that pair has not been joined. We never sensed that between you and Gin."
Coughing, Hermione cut in, her patience gone, "I get the point already Remus! But do you have to bring it up? It's still so fresh right now, ya know? I want what I can't have, I realize that already." She huffed angrily, cheeks tinged pink.
Lupin reached out to her, squeezing her shoulder, "Hey, no reason to lose your head. I'm sorry, I'm sure it's not the greatest feeling in the world... but this leads me into my theory, ok?" Hermione nodded, and let him proceed. With a gruff voice he said, "The thing is, when Sirius died, I felt something inside of me. It was like a faint ripping. Have you ever handled raw chicken before? Well, it's this cold slimy sort of feeling, and if the piece is big enough, you can tear it apart... but when you do, you certainly won't get a straight cut like with a knife. It's all sort of jagged and frayed." The older wizard sniffed a little and looked down. His eyes were shimmering; it was obvious he hadn't spoken these words in a very long time.
It was Hermione's turn to squeeze a shoulder, "I... I don't know how to comfort you, but I am sorry. I'm sure none of us miss him more than you do."
When he looked up, his eyes were red, "It's alright, it just hurts sometimes. I would never wish that sort of pain on anyone. I would, however, wish for everyone to experience the happiness of what Sirius and I had. The time I had with him was worth it Hermione, even to have to endure this pain."
A wand lit up in the witch's head, and she smiled a little. "I think I may know what you're getting at... this aching pain you feel... this illness... it's all because you're alive and your other half is dead?"
He looked up at Hermione, drying his eyes, "Didn't I say you're the most clever witch I'd ever met? It seems to make sense. The illness has never gotten any better, or any worse. It's been nearly thirteen years, and I always seem to collapse on days where I feel particularly lonely. For instance, the night you arrived was the day Sirius and I first admitted our feelings for one another... an anniversary of sorts. I tend to stay very sick around the time of his death, it usually lasts for more days than at any other time." Clearing his throat, he gulped down a bit of his coffee.
"So then... do y-you... I mean, bloody hell, do you think you're dying?" It was the only thing that made sense to Hermione.
"Sirius would have never wanted me to kill myself with him gone, and I felt that he would've wanted me to watch out for Harry as best I could... but I think you may be right. It's as though I'm very slowly dying of a broken heart."
"You're torn Remus, I really think so. You're torn between your primal urge to be with your love in death, and your obligations to Sirius' last wishes." She sat there amazed as he nodded the affirmative. Hermione's ache for Ginny seemed to lessen then, as she wondered about this theory. It all made sense, and her sadness at not having a love seemed much less important. Again she was feeling clearer, freer than she had in years. Maybe through helping Lupin in his struggle, she'd help herself as well.