The Authoress Goes Bad
Disclaimer: I don't own it; I just use and love it. In fact, I don't own anything used in this fic, not even any of the music (you'll figure it out).
Lexi: I feel that I'm getting slightly obsessed with one-shots.
Sano: ::Sarcastically:: Naw, yah think?
Lexi: Anyway, this is what happens when the authoress goes BAD…
Sano: Aren't you the authoress?
Lexi: Not for long…one of my dear friends will be taking over…
Sano: O.O;;;;;;
Lexi: BWAHAHAHA!! ::Ahem:: On with the fic!
MAJOR NOTE: Any OOC-ness is caused by our lovely guest authoress; it is not the characters acting of their own free will.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She smiled to herself and examined the room. It was small, with only a chair, desk, and a great object of power—a computer and keyboard. She padded softly across the pale cream rug and sat down in the gray swivel chair, cracked her knuckles, and started to type…
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hello, Battosai and friends…" Saito said.
"Hello Saito." Kenshin said.
"Oh, please call me 'Sweetie Pie the Fluffy Pink Hippo'." Saito beamed. Aah! Why did I say that? What the…? How the…? Oh great, now they're laughing…
"OK, 'Sweetie Pie the Fluffy Pink Hippo'…" Kaoru managed to gasp out around her laughter. It suddenly stopped. "And please, everyone, call me 'Bubbles the Happy Kangaroo'." WHAT? WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!
"I love you Kaoru…" Kenshin said. What?! This one did not want to say that, that he didn't! Kaoru stared at him in shock.
Haha, I'm as yet untouched…Sano thought. He felt his mouth opening and panic rising. "Yahiko and I want to have a mega dance party at the dojo tomorrow night!" Huh? No I don't!! And Yahiko never said anything about that!
Yahiko glared daggers at Sanosuke, which quickly changed into flowers. "Yeah, Sano! We'll have a dance party!" WHAT THE—Yahiko thought some words that no 10-year-old should know.
Megumi laughed. "Uhuhuhu! And I want to………Sanosuke……...until……and then….." All the others stared at her, and Kaoru quickly put her hands over Yahiko's ears in a futile attempt to preserve his innocence. WHY DID I JUST TELL EVERYONE MY DAYDREAM?!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Authoress laughed maniacally. This was fun! And this way she didn't have to kill herself off in the fic! A rulebook suddenly appeared on the desk, flipped open to page one. She peered at it, reading out loud softly.
" 'The Authoress must not, in any way, shape, or form, be an active character in the fic…' kuso…"
She sighed and once again began to type. Guess I gotta kill myself off then…
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A small boy with a letter ran into the dojo. He gave the letter to Saito and ran off again, leaving the others dazed. Saito opened the letter and read aloud.
" 'Dear Sir: We regret to inform you of the death of your wife, Tokio. She jumped off a balcony after learning that she was pregnant by one of her many lovers that she has when you're away, because she rarely gets to see you and a woman needs a man.' What the…Tokio had lovers?! 'She broke her neck, dying instantly. She felt no pain and is now in a better place. Her funeral will be…' blah, blah, blah, 'Sincerely,' blah. So Tokio's dead. Why does this feel like it's happened before?"
Kenshin shrugged, as did the others. "Previous marriages, perhaps?"
Kaoru was still staring at Kenshin in shock. Yahiko jumped up and down in front of her face, waving his arms.
"Hello?! Helloooo?! Anybody home, busu?"
Sano kept staring at Megumi. "Were you serious, Fox-lady?"
Megumi opened her mouth to say no, but something different came out. "Of course, Sano baby…" Why do I keep saying these things?! It's like someone else is controlling me, or something! And SANO BABY?! What the ----
Sano grinned at her. "Let's go then!" Finally I say something that I WANT to say!!
Megumi and Sano left the room, Megumi thinking, what is going on?! I don't want---well, I do want---but I didn't intend for THIS to happen! Not now, in any case…
Kaoru was STILL staring at Kenshin, who was starting to get a little bit unnerved. "Um…Sweetie Pie the Fluffy Pink Hippo? What is wrong with Miss Bubbles the Happy Kangaroo?"
Kaoru seemed to break out of her stupor. "Oh Kenshin…really?"
"Miss Bubbles? Really what?"
"Do you really love me, Kenshin?"
"That I do, Miss Kaoru backspace backspace backspace backspace backspace Bubbles…" What was with all the "backspace"s? Oro…He thought as Kaoru smothered him in a hug.
"Oh KENSHIN! I knew you loved me!"
Saito started crying at the happy scene before him, choosing to ignore a dancing Yahiko. Hold up…I'm CRYING?! And Yahiko's DANCING?! GAH!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tokio the Authoress fell out of the chair and onto the floor, she was laughing so hard. She was forcing them to fully embarrass themselves, and they didn't know why it was happening! Oh, the power of the typen word, surpassing the value of all the riches—well, maybe not ALL the riches—in the world! She had power; she had influence; SHE WAS THE AUTHORESS!!! BWAHAHAHA!! Now back to the story.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saito stopped crying and started dancing. Why on god's green earth am I DANCING?!
"Sweetie Pie the Fluffy Pink Hippo, why are you dancing?" Kenshin asked, before promptly starting to dance himself. Kaoru joined in, just as Aoshi and Misao entered.
"Where did you guys come from?" Yahiko asked.
Aoshi shrugged. "The door."
Misao was staring at Kenshin with hearts in her eyes. "OH KENSHIN!" She squealed, before glomping him so violently that he fell over. For those who don't know, a glomp is a surprise attack hug in which the recipient of the glomp is taken out by the knees.
"ORO?!" Kenshin said, trapped on the floor underneath a hyperactive Misao, who was hugging all of the breath out of him.
Why am I suddenly madly in love with Kenshin? I love Ao—KENSHIN! Misao thought.
Kaoru glared at Misao who appeared not to notice. Suddenly she felt herself enveloped in strong arms. She eeped quietly, before turning her head to look at her mystery hugger. AOSHI?! What the -----?!
Why am I suddenly madly in love with Kaoru? I love Misa—KAORU! Aoshi thought.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tokio the All-Powerful Authoress threw back her head and laughed evilly. Now the big question remaining—leave Sano and Megumi intact, or make a female OC for Sano and have Megumi go off with Saito? Decisions, decisions…hmmm…or I could leave the pairing the same, just screw things up a bit…she bwahaha-ed before returning to work.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Megumi and Sano paused in the middle of kissing.
"Something feels wrong here…" Sano said.
"I agree…" Megumi replied. They looked each other up and down and screamed.
"I'M YOU!" Sano screeched.
"I'M YOU!" Megumi yelled. "AND we switched voices!"
"Well, technically that makes sense, due to the anatomy of the vocal cords and…whoa, I must've gotten some of your brain, along with your body." Sano said, rubbing the back of his—er, her—head. This was a bad idea with Megumi's long, straight hair, and it tangled instantly.
"Something is really weird here today…" Megumi said. They walked back into the room, and Megumi promptly passed out at the sight of the…er…ODD scene before them.
"Megumi, why is Sano lying on the floor in a dead faint?" Kaoru asked.
"This is hard to explain, and we don't really understand it…but that's Megumi. I'm Sanosuke."
Saito fought down laughter. "So, you're trapped in the fox's body? Oh, that's—" At that point Saito turned into a wolf.
"Must…kill…need…steak…"
A vegetarian one.
Saito attacked the nearest salad bar, which was conveniently across the room. Kenshin blinked at him.
"Oro? But this one thought that you wanted us to call you a hippo, that he did."
Kaoru blinked right along with Kenshin, who somehow escaped Misao and came to stand next to her. "Saito? You ok?"
There was no answer, only a determined munching of lettuce.
Aoshi threw back his head and laughed, probably for the first time ever. "Kaoru, my love, it appears that everyone's least favorite cop is a vegetarian wolf." Kaoru whacked him off her with her bokkan.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tokio the All-Powerful Supreme Authoress frowned. This would not do. Kaoru was far too violent. Aah, she knew…heh heh heh…she began to type more quickly then ever. Much to her chagrin, the rulebook once again appeared, this time open to a different page. She once again read it out loud.
" 'The Authoress does not have the authority to, in any way, shape, or form, alter the inborn and basic functions and personality of any of the characters, unless they be characters created out of Her own head, in which case see page 392 section 18: Creation of OCs.' Kuso again! That's it. Screw the rulebook…I wanna have some fun!" She returned to her typing.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kaoru stopped mid-whack and smiled. "Peace and Love!"
"Oro?" Kenshin asked.
"Huh?" Sano and Megumi said.
"What the ----…" Aoshi and Misao said.
Saito just munched, and who knew to where Yahiko had gone off.
"Peace and Love!" Kaoru beamed. "We must all be kind and non-violent! Peace and Love!"
They all blinked at her. Kaoru was busy confiscating all of the swords in the room from non-resistant fingers. They were in too much shock to fight her off.
Kaoru skipped down the path with the swords. Everyone crowded at the door to watch her. She grinned widely at them, and shouted something that might have been "Peace and Love!" before throwing all of the swords into the very center of the river.
"NOOOOOOO!!!! My kodachis!!" Aoshi yelled, sprinting down to the riverbank.
"NOOOOOOO!!!! This one's sakabato!!" Kenshin yelled, sprinting after Aoshi.
"HEY! My kunai aren't swords!!" Misao yelled, sprinting after Kenshin.
Kaoru beamed at the three of them. "Peace and Love!" She said. They attacked her. Amid the flying fists and feet, Kaoru could be heard crying out, "Peace and Love! Peace and Love! Peace and Love!"
Sano and Megumi stood at the doorway and watched, amused, for a minute forgetting their own predicament. Sano was sharply reminded when he tried to rub the back of his head again.
"Kami! How do you stand it?!"
Megumi sniffed disdainfully, a funny gesture considering that she was in Sano's body. "If you can't stand it, then don't rub the back of your head!"
The other three stormed back up to the dojo. A flattened Kaoru feebly raised her head.
"Peace…and…Love!"
Aoshi, Misao, and Kenshin slammed the door on her. Megumi and Sano blinked at each other, then looked at the other three. Aoshi was in one corner, rocking back and forth, holding some invisible kodachis and whimpering. Misao was sitting on her knees silently in another corner, gazing at Kenshin with starry, tear-filled eyes. Kenshin was sitting cross-legged in yet another corner, head angled down and his bangs covering his eyes. Sano noticed a faint amber gleam behind the red hair, and unconsciously placed himself between him and Megumi, forgetting for a moment that, although he knew how to fight, the body that Megumi was in was a good bit stronger then his own.
Saito finished the salad bar and burped, moving everyone's attention to him. He looked around and sniffed the air. Suddenly, mutant veggie-burger people burst through the door and started attacking.
I'm in heaven!!! Saito thought, leaping at the giant veggie-burgers and devouring them. The others looked on with bemused expressions on their faces. A few minutes later, Kaoru walked in and saw the eating-fest. She gasped.
"Sweetie Pie the Fluffy Pink Hippo, how dare you eat living beings! Peace and Love!"
Saito paused in his devouring. "But Bubbles the Happy Kangaroo, they're veggie-burgers!"
"Oh, in that case…" Kaoru smiled at him and sat down in the only unoccupied corner and proceeded to write the holy book for her new religion, which she was going to name, most creatively, "Peace and Love".
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tokio the All-Powerful Grand Supreme Authoress of All the World and Most of Everywhere Else, Too, was running out of steam. There were only so many evil, sadistic, and humorous things you could write in a day. She had one more shot left before the end, though, and she was going to make it count…then that idiotic rulebook appeared, stopping her thoughts in their tracks. Not again!!
"You, as the Authoress, are not, under any circumstances, allowed to write of a kareoke party and have the characters participate unless the anime used takes place in the present or future. For full list of animes to which this exception applies, see page 843 section 4: Present and Future Animes." I swear this thing can read my thoughts! Well, I have a way to get around the rulebook this time…
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Everyone stopped in the middle of what they were doing. A black void was opening at the end of the room, and they were all pulled towards it. It sucked them in, one after another, and then they were…back in the dojo.
In the future.
And there was a kareoke machine and a stage at one end.
And, fortunately for them, they were all back to normal.
Saito looked up from chewing on a 100-year-old veggie burger. "Ack! This tastes like Kaoru's cooking!"
"Saito, sessha can actually call you 'Saito', that he can! And you are not a wolf!"
Kaoru ran around the room, whacking everything (and everyone)in sight. "Oh kami it feels good to be doing that again! All that 'Peace and Love' junk was driving me up the wall!"
Sano rubbed the back of his head, and grinned widely. "Thank kami!! I can't STAND being a woman!"
Megumi glared at him. "And I can't stand being a lazy, good-for-nothing free-loader!" They promptly ran into each other's arms and kissed.
"Talk about a dysfunctional relationship…" Aoshi muttered. Then he noticed Misao, who was gazing at him.
"Oh, Aoshi-sama!" This time, poor Aoshi was the glomp-ee. Unlike Kenshin, he didn't seem to mind.
Kaoru ran up onto the kareoke stage. "For some strange reason, I feel like singing!"
"So does this one. Miss Kaoru, you may go first, that you may."
Kaoru launched into a highly spirited rendition of something that she made up as she went along. To the tune of "Yellow Submarine".
"We, all, live in a very weird dojo, a very weird dojo, a very weird dojo. We, all, live in a very weird dojo, and I will never again say 'Peace and Love'!" She sang, complete with wild dance.
Saito shoved Aoshi onto the stage next, who stood there glaring. The others cheered and tried to get him to lighten up, which he did once he thought of a song.
"Right in front of you, right in front of me, we were lookin' but somehow, some way, we, couldn't see, that the love was always there, right around us everywhere, I had to fall to finally see, that you were right in front of me…" He smiled at Misao, who gazed back starry-eyed with a dazed smile on her face.
"Sessha will go next, that he will!" Kenshin cleared his throat and started to sing.
"…hopelessly devoted, to you…" He couldn't sing any more because the others were laughing too loudly. He sighed and gave up the stage to Megumi.
"Uhuhuhuhu! I have one!" She said, before beginning to sing, looking pointedly at Sano.
"I…know…you…I walked with you once, upon, a dream; I…know…you…that gleam in your eyes, is so, familiar a gleam…" She winked at Sano and forced him up on stage. The sooner he does his song, the sooner we can go off…
Sano looked around uncomfortably before launching into his own song.
"We're in, the money, we're in, the money, we've got a lot of what it takes to get along…" The others laughed at the irony of this too much for him to continue. Contrary to Megumi's hopes, he stayed to watch Saito and Misao perform.
Saito internally fumed. There was no way on gods green earth that—he would pass up an opportunity to sing!
"I'm singin', in the rain, just singin', in the rain…" He was the only one that made it all the way to the end of his song; the others were too dumbstruck that he was actually SINGING to do any laughing. Misao came out of her state of shock first.
"MY TURN!!" She screeched, jumping onto the stage and shoving Saito aside.
"…perfect, day, nothin' standin' in my way on this perfect, day, nothing can go wrong…" She stopped short. "Where's Yahiko?"
(Somewhere in Meiji-era Tokyo, Yahiko was thoroughly lost and highly confused as to a) how he had ended up where he was, and b) where the others were.)
Kenshin shrugged. "He can take care of himself, that he can. Now let's all dance around randomly and wildly!"
And they did dance, and they did celebrate, and they did partake of the pile of chocolate, and the mutant veggie-burgers did join them. And they did all get sugar high, and Kenshin did 'oro' a record number of times after Sano brought out the sake. And they did eventually get sucked back to the Meiji-era, and they did eventually sober up. Finally, they all fell asleep, Yahiko found his way home, and he decided that there was a good reason that he had left. And in their dreams that night, they each composed a highly intense psychological essay on why the heck they had acted like they did that day. Most of these essays involved one of three things; kami being mad at them, too much sake, or insanity, the latter being the most prominent.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
She sighed. Her powers had left her…a.k.a. the computer had shut down on her. Ah well, all good things must come to an end. She would find another computer in the World of Authoresses, and she would return. She laughed evilly, sweeping her cloak around herself and disappearing in a puff of smoke, the only thing left of her a maniacal laughter echoing over the empty hills.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kenshin-Gumi: ::Screaming::
Lexi: Calm down you guys, it was just a bad dream…
K-G: ::Stop screaming, suddenly calm::
Sano: Really?
Lexi: No. ::Bursts out laughing::
K-G: ::Start screaming again::
Tokio: That was fun. Can I do it again someday?
Lexi: ::Reads fic:: ::Sweatdrops and pales:: Er…no, that might not be such a good idea…
K-G: ALL PRAISE THE SAVIOUR!!!
Tokio: ::Pouts and 'poof's away::
Lexi: Phew! She's dangerous with a computer!
Saito: You can say that again! ::Shudders at memory of veggie-burgers::
Misao: ::Huggling Aoshi:: She wasn't THAT bad…
K-G: ::Turn and glare::
Misao: ::Sweatdrops:: Er…she was AWFUL!
Lexi: Well, that about wraps up this fic, if you can call it that! Ja ne and as always, review! And I say again, I did not own any of the songs used at the end of the fic! Farewell! ::Waves hanky at retreating readers:: Farewell!