"This is going to be so exciting! I'm going to make a scrumptious turkey dinner to kick off the Light-Ambord alliance!"
"Uh…about that Roll, I doubt I'll be showing up to that." Blues said tentatively once he received the news.
"And just why not?" Blues racked his CPU for a legitimate excuse. It was unlikely his family would just accept that he felt like wandering around some more, likely setting out to get revenge on Forte. If not, hell, anything was preferable to a dull life in the suburbs, even spending the night in a cardboard box. Okay, he thought swiftly, just what would make my family not want me around for a special turkey dinner?
"I-I'll just ruin it." That was a good start, but what else? "I'm a…vegetarian. Yeah, us vegetarians are a pain to feed, and I don't want to inconvenience everyone." Blues smiled smugly, "Yup, don't want me around any cooked turkeys. People eating animals makes me upset." That would work. He sauntered toward the front door.
"That's okay, I can just make a tofurkey. That way, everyone's happy and you won't feel obligated to leave."
"A wha…" Blues froze. Roll giggled; sometimes she could be denser than a rock, not Rock their brother, but rock as in a solid, unmovable hunk of granite.
"Don't be silly! A tofurkey, untukery, tofu turkey, if you're a vegetarian you should know what it is." Blues shook his head slowly, too stunned to say anything. "Oh poor big brother," Roll cooed, "it's a good thing you don't need protein, otherwise you'd be dead. I think you'll like tofurkey." Blues unwound the scarf from his neck and began to weave it into a noose. There was still one final hope for leaving.
"Okay, I'll just be hanging out in the front yard until dinner's ready."
"Wait," Roll called as he started out the door again, "you don't plan on hanging yourself, do you?" A nod. "Oh no you don't! The Ambords think we're strange enough without seeing robots dangling from trees."
"Then I'll do it in the bathroom."
"Oh no! I'm not letting you drip fluids all over the bathroom floor after I spent the last hour cleaning it!" Blues cocked his head. He'd hate to think what would happen if he did plan on committing suicide. "If you're that upset, just go torment Rock or something, that always cheers you up."
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Rock and Blues stood on the roof staring at the two-story drop into an untrimmed rose bush.
"No really Rock, you don't need Rush to fly over the bush, just jump and flap your arms."
"Um…I don't know about this." Rock looked between the ground and his brother with large, innocent eyes.
"Now I'm your big brother, would I lie to you?"
"Okay," Rock said hesitantly, inching toward the edge, "I'm trusti-"
"Hey boys," Blues groaned with disappointment when Dr. Light called them inside, "Come help set the table. Oh, and Rock, I want you to change before you come down for dinner."
"What's wrong with this?" Rock examined his clothes- a pair of jeans and his favorite Spiderman t-shirt.
"This is a formal dinner, I want you to put on your nice t-shirt. And Blues, you can dig up the silverware, I don't think we should use plastic utensils tonight."
Dr. Light walked back inside and found Geminiman putting some peas on the table. "Hey Doc, do you think the Ambords like tofurkey?"
"Tofurkey?" Dr. Light repeated. He could've sworn Roll was making actual food.
"Yeah, tofurkey." Evidently Roll heard him. "Blues is a vegetarian now, and I didn't want him to feel isolated."
"A vegetarian? Now why would he want to become one of those?" The doctor nearly spat the last word.
"Dr. Light! Who are we to question his lifestyle?" Roll retorted, placing the tofurkey in the table's center.
"His family." Dr. Light shook his head at the chunk of tofu masquerading as a dead bird. So much for impressing the Ambords, or proving that his family was remotely normal for that matter.
-----------------------
Dinner passed by in awkward silence, save the occasional compliment to Roll for her marvelous job on the peas, mashed potatoes, carrots, and bread (even though it was store bought). The banquet was unusually delicious save the tofurkey, which remained untouched on everyone's plate. The Gemini twins sat arguing quietly, each trying to force the other to eat it first. Blues just stared at his near-empty plate, never expecting this hyped-up dish to resemble something between spam and bologna. Rock just poked at his portion, half-expecting it to spring to life and poke him back.
"Rock, don't play with your food." Dr. Light ordered calmly, breaking the pervasive silence.
"I don't think this stuff qualifies as food, no offense Roll." He set the fork back on the plate.
"None taken. I was actually waiting for Blues to try it first, since I made it for him."
"Huh?" Blues jumped at the sound of his name. "Why me?" he asked, completely forgetting his lie.
"Because you're our family's token vegetarian. God only knows why, but I'd guess you're just trying to be weirder than you already are, but that's not important. All vegetarians learn to love tofu eventually, so you can-"
"A vegetarian?!" Geminiman laughed and choked on his water, "You were so eating bacon at breakfast!"
"Uh…" Blues fidgeted fretfully with his scarf as everyone gaped at him. It was terrible when a web of lies fell apart, even worse when it happened in front of a crowd.
"And didn't you have a chicken sandwich for lunch?" Rock giggled, then resumed poking the lump of tofu.
"So…you lied?" Roll's voice was deceptively calm. That was never good. Sure, his sister was often quiet and sweet, but when provoked, she tended to be more aggressive than two Fortes. Blues let out an unintentional gasp as a carving knife buried itself in the wall next to his head.
Dr. Light rolled his eyes. "So, if it weren't for you, we could've had a perfectly recognizable main dish?" The comment was promptly ignored.
"Blues, I swear to God as soon as I get you alone, I'm going to hang you with that tacky yellow rag you insist on constantly wearing!" Blues groaned. How terribly, terribly embarrassing if his little sister managed to beat him up in front of company!
"Now hold on Roll," he said in a calming voice, "the Ambords might find that weird. Remember?" He desperately hoped she recalled saying that earlier.
"Yes. Remember the Ambords? The family eating dinner with us now?!" Dr. Light sharply reminded his squabbling children. Roll shot him a surprised glance then sat down heavily in her chair. "Rock, I thought I told you to stop poking at your food." Rock immediately dropped his fork.
A longer, slightly more awkward lull followed the outburst. Geminiman sighed and tapped his knife on his plate, irritated. "Well…one of us is going to have to try it." His twin blurted.
"You're right." The first one said, "I think that Mr. Ambord should. After all, he is the guest of honor." All of the robots looked expectantly toward the man, who shakily stood up.
"That is absolutely it! All I do is try to give my wife and daughter a pleasant life in the suburbs and along comes you," he jabbed a finger toward Dr. Light, "who built a family of self-sufficient, sentient computers and give them all weapons which one uses to destroy my house. Then they rebuild it and decorate it with 'modern robotic art' and vomit green paint,"
"Lime green." Geminiman corrected sadly.
"HA! See, I told you orange was better!"
"Shut up." Mr. Ambord hissed. "Now, you invite me over for an apology dinner and offer me a highly processed dollop of beans rather than actual meat." He paused to grab a bottle of red wine on the table meant for after dinner. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going outside to drink my real dinner!" With that, Mr. Ambord stormed out the door, his family following soon after.
The Lights seemed to stunned to respond, but Geminiman used the time to cut a piece of tofurkey and slowly took a bite. Once he got over the odd texture and appearance, it was tastier than the real thing. "You know, it tastes kind of like chicken."
"You mean turkey." His twin took a bite himself.
"Whatever, it's good."
"Jerkoffs," Roll mumbled, still glaring at the door.
"Now Roll," Dr. Light said, considerably calming down, "you're a smart, clever, creative young lady. Surely you can think up a better insult than 'jerkoffs'."
"Yes I probably could, but then you'd yell at me for cursing too much." she huffed.
"I think this time I can let it slide."
Fin
Endnotes:
Congratulations, you made it through Schadenfreude-my first
full-length humor story. I don't think I've ever written
something that's changed so drastically from the time I conceived
the idea to the time it got to you guys. Whatever though, this was
fun to write every step of the way. I should probably also say that
tofurkey really is pretty good, just in case anyone was wondering
::shrug::. And for those interested, there is a half-complete
political version of this story, which replaces chapter 4 onward,
that I'll e-mail to anyone who'd like to see it (it's very
anti-Bush to warn you). Finally, leave questions, comments, concerns,
flames, ect., especially considering this is the last chapter of this. So leave a review, don't make me beg.
Thanks for reading.