Back to the Thursday updates. This chapter is a little longer, and a little darker. Some sexual harassment and references to poetry. Anyway, part six should be posted this weekend, as I've just found my exam schedule and I'll be done with school next Thursday and home without internet again from next Friday until next year (wah), so the only way I can post all seven parts before then is to double post next week as well.
"Yes, that's great news. Thank you for telling me." Asato sighed with relief as he hung up the phone. Dawn was back, found safe and cranky after nearly a week wandering around alone. She should have been found sooner. Every second she had been gone had increased her chances of never returning. They might have found her sooner, if he had been there to provide her background. If he hadn't been stupidly unreachable the day she left. If he hadn't lied to everyone, forced Hisoka to lie -
Hisoka.
Well, he hadn't exactly forced Hisoka to lie for him. He certainly would never have asked it of the boy. Hisoka had tried to cover for him on his own.
In one sense, that was a positive thing. Hisoka didn't connect well with other people, a characteristic Asato thought the boy had probably developed growing up a foreigner and a bastard along side his father's legitimate, Japanese children. Being an empath must have made it close to unbearable; it didn't matter how polite people were when you knew just how they felt. Not that his first year here had been of much help. Closets were far from the best places to grow emotionally. So any act that indicated an attachment to someone had to be a positive sign. Even if the act itself was negative.
Lying was, by its very nature, bad.
Really, Asato, do you think so?
Though Asato could try to argue that Hisoka had only been trying to cover for him, proving that Hisoka did care, had formed some sort of emotional attachment and thus did not consider himself completely isolated from the entire human race, the fact remained that Hisoka had lied because of him.
He'd forced Hisoka to lie. He'd put the boy in a position where friendship demanded it. Ignorance of the way Hisoka would respond was no excuse. His behavior had been disgusting, selfish and utterly typical. He should have invented some other remotely plausible story for Terrance to politely pretend to believe and left Hisoka out of it.
Even though it was good to know that Hisoka liked him.
Asato resisted the urge to bang his head against his desk. His brain just wasn't working properly yet today and sudden trauma wouldn't do his thought pattern much good. He rummaged through the mess on his desk and carefully failed to notice any paper clips. There would be paperclips in the supply closet.
Asato slipped the paperclips into his pocket just as he shut the supply closet door behind him. He didn't need the light. Two steps farther into the closet and he was at the back shelf. He reached to the top shelf and pulled the bottle out from behind the packages of extra paper towels. His fingers didn't fumble as he unscrewed the cap and raised the bottle to his lips. Distracted by the not quite unpleasant burn at the back of his throat, he didn't hear the door open behind him. He did notice the increase of light.
"Asato," His supervisor's voice sent chills down his spine. It sounded far too pleased. The room returned to darkness as the door closed. "I'm so glad you decided to meet me here."
Asato turned around and opened his mouth to protest, but Lord Ruthven stepped farther into the room, driving him back. It was too dark to see the smile Asato knew was there as Lord Ruthven took the bottle from his hand.
"I know you're here to meet me. After all," The satisfied smirk echoed in the enclosed space. Lord Ruthven held the bottle at eye level before sliding it onto a shelf. His other hand stroked the side of Asato's face. "I can't think of another reason for you to be in here, in the dark."
"Paperclips?" His own voice sounded as weak as his excuse. He was caught and he knew it. He had no choice but to face the consequences. His supervisor laughed quietly.
"You're quite funny, Asato." The kiss was forceful, pushing Asato into the shelf behind him. He could feel the dull jab of unsharpened pencils against his back and the incessant caressing of fingers slipping under his shirt. Snake-like, a tongue probed at his lips, trying to spread them apart. Asato couldn't suppress a whimper. A beeper went off, startling the two back to reality.
"Sorry to cut this short. Perhaps we can continue on our date this Friday?"
"Friday?" Asato gasped. His voice wouldn't work properly, but it hardly mattered, since his mind couldn't grasp the situation and probably wouldn't for at least a few minutes.
"Friday, about six? Give you some time to get ready after work." In the light of the now partially open door, the shadows gave Lord Ruthven's face a near demonic cast.
"Six." Asato echoed, not exactly agreeing but accepting. The door shut, leaving him in darkness. Eyes fixed on the edge of light around the door, his hand absently reached for the bottle.
His mouth suddenly felt very dirty.
"...so do you have any ideas?" Asato spoke quickly, his tone reflecting his nerves.
"For who's Christmas gift, again?" Lord Ruthven's voice sounded bored, but his eyes were fixed on Asato, staring with rapt attention at some point under his clothes.
"Hisoka…uh…the Kurosaki kid. He's still kinda edgy about everything. I want to find something special for him." His explanation was only vague because he couldn't find any clearer words. Asato finished his drink and signaled the waitress for another. He was having trouble relaxing. Lord Ruthven seemed to consider.
"Perhaps Confessions of a Mask?"
"What?" Asato nearly spit out half of his new drink.
"Why not? The boy is Japanese and gay. It's certainly appropriate."
"It's not appropriate! The book is perverse."
"I didn't think so." Asato dug his teeth deep into his tongue to hold back his opinion on anyone who could find the image of St. Sebastian's martyrdom erotic.
Hisoka shivered and pulled his coat tighter. He stuffed icy hands deeper into his pockets. It was cold outside Tsuzuki's apartment building, but he would not go in. He couldn't. He wasn't even entirely sure why he was out there except that he'd had a lousy day and wanted to complain about it. He'd intended to talk to Kannuki-san, actually started to, until he realized that although she'd been willing to listen, it wasn't a problem he wanted to share with her. He wanted to talk to Tsuzuki.
He needed to talk to Tsuzuki. So he paced the street, waiting.
"You're talking about work again, Asato. I want to hear about you." The statement fell just short of being an order. Asato found himself responding automatically.
"Sorry. M'life's pretty much work. Pathetic, right?" Asato spun his glass in his hands, watching little whirlpools form around the ice cubes. "I raise plants?"
"You are just too funny." Even the light laughter sounded faintly perverse in Asato's ears. "You are so beautiful, Asato. Your eyes especially. They make me think of poetry."
"'I had a dream which was not all a dream'?" Asato spit out the first line of Byron he could remember. Lord Ruthven shook his head.
"I was thinking more of 'Love's Philosophy' by Shelly. Though if you like Lord Byron, 'She walks in Beauty' seems written for you, if you were a girl." It was Asato's turn to laugh, near hysterical but still quiet giggles. "You don't think so?"
"You ever see Blazing Saddles?" He tried to calm his voice, but his words were punctuated with the drunken laughter. "There's this scene in it where the girl is singing about men. 'They quote Byron and Shelly and jump on your belly-'"
"Not until we get back to your place." Though he couldn't completely stop the giggles, Asato found he had nothing at which to laugh.
Pulling up in front of his building provided no comfort for Asato. Throughout the ride Asato been subjected to the romantic poets. Endurable, only as they reminded him that he hadn't yet invited the vampire to cross his doorway. As Lord Ruthven held the car door for him, the final poem neared completion.
"…a mind at peace with all below…." A figure that had been huddled on the stairs suddenly stood and came towards them.
"Tsuzuki!" Asato blinked, trying to focus his eyes.
"Hisoka?" The boy threw his arms around Asato and buried his face in the man's chest. Asato could hear soft sobs. Gently he wrapped his arms around the child.
A heart whose love is innocent.
Hisoka sat on Tsuzuki's sofa, studying the apartment around him. It was small, one bedroom, and half a kitchen in which Tsuzuki was making tea. Two or three plants were huddled together on the kitchen counter. Aside from them, there wasn't much decoration and what there was didn't match. Not that the apartment was bare; in places it was absolutely cluttered. Videotapes, CDs, and other random things were stacked haphazardly near the television and stereo. The apartment was obviously lived in, but it seemed very impersonal and somehow temporary. It wasn't the kind of place he'd expected Tsuzuki to live. He'd expected Tsuzuki's place to be homey.
"If you ever need to come here again," Tsuzuki called from the kitchenette, "I keep a spare key in the outside flower box. Then you wouldn't have to wait outside."
"You shouldn't just leave a key outside, idiot!" Hisoka blushed at the thought of needing to come here again when Tsuzuki was out. He didn't want to; at least he didn't want to need to come. The realization that the open invitation pleased him made him blush an even deeper shade of red. He'd only just regained his composure after weeping into Tsuzuki's arms and he was determined to maintain it, even if anger was the only way to do it. "Anyone could find it. Plus you're telling people about it."
"I haven't told many people. Just Tats and now you." Tsuzuki brought two cups of tea over to the sofa and sat by Hisoka. "Besides, I've locked myself out a few times by losing my keys. That's more dangerous than a spare buried in a flower pot."
"And 'Tats' will never tell, will he? Though I guess you trust him." Tsuzuki's date had been reluctant to leave. As much as he didn't want to, Hisoka had to give Tsuzuki credit for kicking the man out. "I wouldn't. His emotions are… unclean."
"Unclean?" Tsuzuki chuckled. "I don't think anyone ever called Tats unclean. He's the most - oh! You think that guy was Tats? No, Tats is Terrance - Mr. Phillips - my best friend since college. That was just a bad date."
"Bad date, huh? And were you ever going to tell me you were gay?" It seemed to Hisoka that was an important tidbit of information. He could understand Tsuzuki not specifically telling him when they first met, especially taking prejudices into account. It was really none of his business anyway. But once he had told Tsuzuki about himself, it would have made sense for Tsuzuki to tell him. Tsuzuki had been trying to connect with him, and sexual orientation would have given them a common ground.
"Does it matter?" It was asked as a genuine question rather than a challenge.
"Yes, I'm morally outraged by homosexuals. Idiot!" Tsuzuki smiled and Hisoka could feel the relief. "It would be beyond ridiculous for me to criticize you for having the same tastes as me. I just don't like being lied to."
"Sorry. My first real boyfriend was an absolute closet case - he was really scared that people would find out he was gay - so I got used to not talking about it. I wasn't trying to lie. Do you forgive me?" Hisoka snorted. Tsuzuki's shy smile deepened.
"Idiot…"
"So what brought you here in the first place?" Tsuzuki's tone of voice and thought were gentle, but Hisoka's mind froze. His eyes widened and his hand tightened their grip around the warm teacup. He didn't want to think about it. Didn't want to talk about it.
"Well, there's this guy at school. A senior. He's…uh…interested in me."
"An older guy? Everyone must be jealous. Is he cute?"
"Very." Hisoka blushed again. "But that's part of the problem. I can't like him."
"Is it that you don't want to hurt him, but you're just not interested?"
"No! Well, maybe. But the thing is I could like him. He's attractive, nice, and athletic. He's not going to be valedictorian, but he's not failing his classes either. I could see myself really liking him. But every time he talks to me, I keep thinking of…of…" His voice became a mere whisper as he said the name, "Muraki-sensei. It's not anything he does, or the way he feels. It's…well… it doesn't quite make sense. We'll be talking and he'll do some ordinary thing and suddenly I'm a doll that…that creature hasn't stopped playing with yet! It's not fair!"
Hisoka's voice cracked on the last word and violent sobs wracked his body. Tsuzuki instinctively reached out to hug the boy, but remembered his empathy at the last moment and held back. Hisoka put his tea down and leaned into Tsuzuki's open arms. Once Tsuzuki realized that the contact wasn't hurting Hisoka, he embraced the boy tightly, holding him until the crying calmed, softly whispering meaningless words of comfort filled with meaningful emotions.
"Will it always be like this, Tsuzuki?" Hisoka's voice still trembled.
"Of course it won't. You'll never forget what happened, but some day relationships won't be scary anymore."
"But I want to forget! I hate being scared!" There was no verbal response that could comfort Hisoka, so Tsuzuki kept his mouth shut, merely trying to provide a soothing presence until Hisoka cried himself out.
Almost as soon as the tears stopped, Hisoka began extracting himself from his comfortable position in Tsuzuki's arms. It was far too comfortable a position. Hisoka edged along the sofa, physically distancing himself from Tsuzuki. It would be too easy to rely on him. He had to remind himself that Tsuzuki was not a person to trust. He'd seen it in his eyes on the day they'd met. Secret-keeper. Deceiver. Betrayer. Tonight had only added another item to the list of things he knew Tsuzuki lied about. Hisoka was being unfair, and he knew it. It wasn't like Tsuzuki had actually lied about it. Tsuzuki's sex life was absolutely none of his business and he had no right to be angry at not being informed.
"Ne, Hisoka, does Wakaba know you're here?"
"I…I…She doesn't." Hisoka stammered, flustered at being reminded of such an obvious action. He nearly kicked himself. It's not that he was trying to be cruel, or even to disregard her existence, although that was exactly what he'd done. He'd completely forgotten her. "I forgot to tell her."
"I better call her, then, before she gets the police out. You don't want to be reported missing around here. The cop who handles most of the teen runaway cases is a real pain." Tsuzuki leaned over Hisoka to grab his phone, wrapping his arm subtly around the boy's shoulder in the process. When Tsuzuki sat up, Hisoka found himself pulled back into the not uncomfortable position of half-leaning against Tsuzuki, half-curled up in his lap. He considered jerking back, but realized he'd already relaxed under Tsuzuki's arm. "He's a complete ass- Hi Wakaba, it's Asato."
"Yeah, he's with me." Hisoka heard the shrill sound of Kannuki-san's voice, but couldn't make out her words. She sounded like she was yelling.
"How long? Well, a while. I'm sorry, I should have-
"Really, I totally blanked and then we spent the last ten minutes looking for the phone. My fault completely." Hisoka twisted his neck to look up at Tsuzuki. He mouthed the word 'liar.' Tsuzuki winked and Hisoka's cheeks burned.
"Dunno. Lemme check." Tsuzuki covered the receiver with his hand. An unnecessary precaution, since Kannuki-san wouldn't have understood the Japanese. "She wants to know if she should come by and pick you up. Are you ready to go?"
Hisoka was surprised to be given an option. He had invaded Tsuzuki's life, showing up and just staying. He meant to shrug, pretend he had no opinion but his mouth turned traitor.
"Not yet." Feeling the temperature of his already blushing face rise, Hisoka wondered just how red it was possible for a person to turn. Tsuzuki's responding smile seemed happy enough and his feelings echoed it.
"So I should tell her I'll drive you back later?" Hisoka stared up into bloodshot purple eyes.
"I'm not getting in a car with you tonight." He sighed. At least Tsuzuki wasn't offended by his reasoning, but he did read an increase of guilt. He couldn't tell if it was Tsuzuki's or his own. His question was going to be a selfish one. "Can she come get me a little later?"
Tsuzuki returned to the phone conversation.
"Tell you what, I'll keep him tonight and bring him round to your place in the morning. It's no trouble." Tsuzuki laughed. "I haven't had a slumber party in years. It'll be great. Thanks. Night, Wakaba."
"Suramba- pa-ti?" Hisoka sounded out the unfamiliar phrase. Tsuzuki chuckled. Hisoka's cheeks colored yet again. He'd forgotten Tsuzuki found the accent cute.
"Yep. Actually, I've never been to a slumber party, but generally they involve watching scary movies, eating unhealthy snacks, and talking about nothing."
"I don't like scary movies."
"That's okay."
"I'm not hungry."
"We don't have to eat."
"I don't feel like talking." Tsuzuki's hand stroked Hisoka's hair.
"That's fine, too."
Half awake, Hisoka started to roll out of bed and found himself encountering a cold wall. Opening his eyes, he saw that there was, indeed, a wall against the side of the bed. He blinked several times, but the wall didn't disappear. He pressed the palm of his hand against it. Definitely real, and definitely on the wrong side of the bed. Kannuki-san was not the type to rearrange his room while he was sleeping.
Hisoka sat up, remembering. He was not in his room; he must be in Tsuzuki's room. He must have fallen asleep on the sofa and Tsuzuki brought him here. A casual glance around the room showed Hisoka that it wasn't any different from the rest of the apartment. Just as impersonal with the same vague quality that no one would be staying here long. If anything, it was less inhabited than the outside room. No desk: a couple of books, a laptop charging and a stack of folders sat on the floor. In the only corner likely to receive sunlight was another plant. A small pit of darkness otherwise known as a closet was half open. Probably not much in it.
Curious, Hisoka climbed out of bed and approached the door to hell. His heart rate increased. He hated closets. His hand hesitated, touching the door. Silently he scolded himself. It's not like he was going to go in. Hisoka held his breath and opened the door.
Ordinary clothes. Just a closet, with organization levels about the same as the rest of the place, meaning none. No dark secrets hidden. A black trench coat had fallen off its hanger and lay crumpled on the floor. Hisoka's natural urge for neatness and order had him reach into the closet to pick it up. Glass clinked under it. Hurriedly, Hisoka released the coat from his hand, letting it fall to the floor with soft rush of air. He wasn't looking for Tsuzuki's secrets. Returning the door to its half open state, Hisoka noticed paper on the floor that had been stirred up when he dropped the coat. A photograph. He flipped it over to see the picture and nearly dropped it again from shock.
It was a picture of him and Tsuzuki.
It wasn't. It couldn't be. Firstly, no one had ever taken a picture of him and Tsuzuki. Secondly, he had never, ever, wrapped his arms around Tsuzuki in such a possessive, dog-marking-his-territory manner. About the only way the boy in the picture could have made it clearer that the man was his exclusive property would have required the photo to change its nature from cute tourist-type to erotica. Hisoka blushed at the too strong mental image of Tsuzuki on a leash. It fit far too well with his puppy-dog nature. Even in the photograph, Hisoka could see Tsuzuki's bright eyes shining with admiration, in much the same way a dog regards whoever usually feeds it. Not that the dog look didn't suit Tsuzuki. He didn't just look younger in the picture; he looked far happier and healthier. Looked. For the first time ever, Hisoka momentarily wished his empathy were expanded to include psychometry. He'd seen Tsuzuki smile like that before. Only empathy told him it was faked. Hisoka hoped that if not in the picture, than at some point, the smile wasn't false. Such a beautiful smile should be real.
Hisoka shook of such ridiculous thoughts and returned his attention to his twin. Near-twin, in reality. The boy in the picture had darker hair and skin, and his eyes were different, not just in color, but in expression. Although Hisoka knew the eyes of his near-twin were not as striking a green as he'd inherited from his mother, the boy's eyes seemed more alive than he was used to seeing his, even in the lifeless photograph. Maybe his eyes looked like that when they weren't looking in mirrors. The boy in the photo had to be Hijiri. Hisoka could remember Tsuzuki telling him about that boy. Tsuzuki's neighbor, schoolmate and good friend in Japan. Tsuzuki hadn't mentioned that they had been lovers, but from the photo they could have been nothing else.
Still holding the picture, Hisoka left the room and was startled to see Tsuzuki cooking. Apparently, he'd heard the door open, as he turned to Hisoka and smiled.
"Glad to see your up. Want some breakfast?" Tsuzuki offered. Hisoka scowled. Tsuzuki was making eggs. Not his idea of a great breakfast, but he was hungry.
"Didn't think drunks were morning people." Hisoka's tone was harsh, but he sat at the kitchen-counter, indicating willingness to try the food.
"Hisoka!" The whine had to be killing with the hangover Hisoka could tell Tsuzuki had, but it certainly wasn't enough to modify Tsuzuki's behavior. Leaving the food for a moment he leaned across the counter, resting his chin on his hand. "You're so mean."
"Idiot." Hiska turned away and found himself looking at the plants. There were three of them, all of different species, but he couldn't tell which types. To him, a houseplant was a houseplant. Tsuzuki probably knew what they were.
"Oh, I never introduced you, did I? Hisoka, these are Byakko, SohRyu, and Suzaku-neechan." Tsuzuki pointed out each plant as he said the names. Hisoka doubted he could tell them apart. Their names were rather familiar.
"You named them after Chinese gods? Is the one in your room Genbu?"
"What?" Tsuzuki laughed. "No, he's Tohda. I believe Tohda's an Aztec god."
"So a different religion gets him a different room?"
"No, Tohda…well he doesn't get along with the others." Hisoka stared blankly at Tsuzuki.
"He's a plant."
"Yeah, but he can be a pretty cranky one. Sohryu and Suzaku-neechan absolutely hate him. Byakko's pretty easy going, so I don't think he'd mind Tohda as much. But Tohda doesn't mind being alone."
"They're all plants."
"Yes, but - the food!" Tsuzuki suddenly noticed the burning eggs. He jerked the pan off the stove and frantically fanned at the smoke-filled air. "Eep!"
"Idiot." Hisoka barely whispered the word. He balanced the photograph in the leaves of one of the plants. Watching Tsuzuki attempt to save the food, he looked far more like the picture.
"Okay, it is a little burnt, but it's still edible." Tsuzuki carried over the charred mess and attempted to serve it. He almost dumped them in the middle of the counter after seeing the photo.
LovePainJoyLoveGreifHappinessSorrowHurtLoveNeed
EmptyLack-Something missing-Need
Hisoka's mind reeled. He could see the other boy - Hijiri. He smiled, a dirty smile that brought blood to places other than Hisoka's cheeks. Hijiri reached out to him, gently brushed his bangs. He felt the fingers run down his face. Suddenly intangible, they slipped through his neck. Hijiri was fading.
LossMissingWantLackEmptyNeed
Tsuzuki!
"Hisoka! Are you okay?" Hisoka awoke to a reality in which he was lying on the partially on the floor and partially in Tsuzuki's arms. At least he was already blushing.
"I'm fine." With Tsuzuki's help, he stood up. Tsuzuki's shields were strong enough that Hisoka only vaguely felt the Need. There was guilt, but Hisoka was certain it was his. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize…"
"You're sorry? What the hell happened?" Worry started to leak out.
"I guess you'd call it an empathic seizure - a minor one. I'm fine now. Really." The concern was almost as irritating as it was comforting. "I am sorry."
"Where did you find that picture?" Hisoka was sure the shield was covering anger.
"It fell out of your hellhole." Tsuzuki was familiar with Hisoka's opinion of closets. "That's Hijiri, isn't it?"
"Yes." Tsuzuki's shield was so closed that Hisoka felt nothing. It was disturbing. He was so used to Tsuzuki's emotions leaking around him.
"He wasn't the 'closet case,' was he?" Hisoka picked at the few bits of egg that had made it onto his plate before Tsuzuki had noticed the photograph. It had absolutely no flavor.
"No, he wasn't." Tsuzuki's voice, at least, had returned to normal. "You still hungry?"
"No." Not for Tsuzuki's mangling of food.
"I guess I ought to take you home, then." Tsuzuki transferred the dishes to the sink.
"Please don't tell Kannuki-san. I'm fine now, and it'll just make her worry." Hisoka's voice trembled. He didn't know why he was asking; of course Tsuzuki would have to tell her.
"Do you swear that you're fine?" Hisoka nearly jumped out of his skin.
"I swear." Tsuzuki sighed.
"Then I won't tell her, but you've got to rest. Okay?"
"I promise." Grabbing his keys, Tsuzuki shook his head.
"I am such an idiot.
Okay, the random Byron Tsuzuki quotes is from "Darkness." Ruthven quotes "She Walks in Beauty." Confessions of a Mask isn't really that perverse, it just has some rather...interesting imagery, including a rather sexual depiction of the martyrdom of St. Sebastian.