This was written for Eldnia for her birthday this past July. It is pure and inexcusable fluff. –heh-
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I did not want to do this, but you had insisted. Perhaps you felt, feel now even, like you have something to prove to me; nevertheless my pride hates the idea.
I had, of course, given in quickly enough. I am not very good at resisting you.
You have only seen me this way twice before, and although I cannot recall either time, I know you can. Neither event was happy for either of us and both had paved the road of regret we had walked for many years.
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The night starts the same as most other nights. We leave the Great Hall together after supper, just like we usually did. But instead of going to either of our chambers or walking the grounds, we go to my office.
The night is young still when you light a fire. I am grateful for its heat, but at the same time, the warmth soon makes me feel drowsier than I already am, and as much as long to be able to curl up with you together, in bed, chest on chest, skin to skin – I know tonight that won't happen.
Not for the first time, I feel the anger, the despair of my situation. Not for me, but for you. You deserve someone better than I, someone who can be with you every night and hold you every night without fear, without danger...
Even as I think this I feel a tight grimace of sorts pull at my face. I would kill anyone else that tried to share your bed, selfish as that may be. You are mine.
I must have spoken the thought out loud because you turned to me then, face schooled into that smirk I love so much before a snide comment on my glaringly obvious assertion and a lewd offer to help me undress. I wonder if you realise my need to feel your hands on me, or perhaps you feel the same need to touch me? Either way, I yield with a smile.
It's a dance we always have the perfect rhythm to. Some nights you lead, some nights you follow me. Tonight is different though. Tonight, we danced together.
I bend over to pick up my clothing and I know the flare in your eyes has nothing to do with the fire you had lit earlier and everything to do with the one I kindled just now. I love how it makes your face look, I love being able to do it to you, and I love you. This I purposely voice aloud, knowing I will never tire of saying it to you or about you. Your face tightens, surprising me. Your words next surprise me too, although they probably shouldn't by now.
"I love you too. Each and every thing about you. Every part of you. Even this change, even WHEN you change. I love you now, I'll love you in an hour, and I'll love you for the rest of my life, Remus."
I think I choked slightly, almost feeling as though I would cry. You would say I was being ridiculous and perhaps I am, but your words mean everything to me. I am not sure how I was able to live without you, but I know how I would never be able to again.
We spend the next hour in front of the fire, sitting, holding each other. It was odd in a comfortable way, this doing nothing with you. But I could feel the time coming and I whisper your name, letting you know.
"You'll need to move… I will need space."
You nod and kiss me once more on the forehead before standing and making your way to the table. As you sit, you toy with a glass of brandy but do not drink it. I feel it start then, and for several minutes I see nothing, feel nothing other than the horrifying pain of my bones stretching and reshaping, my skin moulding and tearing. Panting, I fall to the floor hoping to catch my breath.
There are down sides to that potion, I thought to myself wryly. Remember the pain is certainly one of those. Well worth it of course.
I hear your slow footsteps approach and I don't open my eyes yet. I had wanted to ask you to turn away before the change came, but I had not been able to - your declaration had stopped me. You deserved to see it all, and so you will. From start, to finish.
You sit beside me and after a moment tell me that I can open my eyes now. To my surprise you sound amused. With a groan of pain that would have terrified most that heard it, I wince and open my eyes. You look just as amused as you had sounded, yet you're smiling gently at me. If I were able to speak just now, I'd tell you that I love you again. Or perhaps note with a grin just how unlike Snape you are being – and just how much Severus makes me happy. You nod your head as though you understand, and then you pick up several books I had not noticed on the couch.
"I brought these from your chambers before dinner. I thought perhaps you'd like me to read to you tonight."
Something in my heart cracks then, and I stupidly feel like crying again. You are a wonderful man and I have no idea what I did so damn good in my life to end up with you, but I will never give you up.
Through the night you read, your voice never wavering even as the fire slows and the moon starts to set. Neither does my astonishment ever waver, knowing that it does not disgust you to be with me as I am like this. I jump when you lay your hand on the back of my head and you snort at me.
"Shouldn't I be the one afraid of you, Remus? Certainly the wolf shouldn't be afraid of the little, old, harmless potions master?"
If I could have told you to fuck off, I would have done so with a hearty laugh. You set the book down and continue to run your fingers along my head and neck. I can tell you are tired, but still you stay with me.
The night was ending when you finally stretch and stand. You say you are unsure if I need room for my change back and so you take several steps backwards and wait.
"I love you."
Again you say it, but this time… this time you said it to the werewolf. I growl as a reply, and although I am certain it sounded horrible I know you understood I replied in kind. I love you, Severus.
Soon I feel the tingle, then the pain. Bones, skin, and muscle scream at me as they are again stretched and torn.
I had not even opened my eyes yet and I could feel your arms around me, holding tight, rubbing my hair and back and arms. I opened my eyes and smile as much as I am able to. You are smirking down at me although not unkindly and then you speak.
"Care to try that again in English? I'm afraid I don't speak Growl fluently."
"I love you, Severus."