School greeted me with its regular glory. Though I hadn't yet spotted one of my mates, I knew it would be a matter of time for one to seek and tell me all of their glorious weekend. For once, I would be able to tell them just who I spent mine with. It was a great weight off my shoulders.
Walking from homeroom to first period, I saw Molly in the hallway.
"Mol!" I called, but she kept quiet, walking right passed me. She mustn't have heard me I reasoned. Surely the noise level was to be blamed. Still, I couldn't shake the transient feeling that today was going to go very, very badly.
I sat in my usual desk for English and looked around for Mina. Begrudgingly, the seats filled and only when I saw the familiar blond bob of my fellow musketeer did I straighten and wave.
"Min!" I whispered. "Over here!" she looked up, startled, and then chose a seat completely opposite from myself. Normally something like this wouldn't bother me. We aren't joined at the hip, and coincidence allows for two such similar dismissals. It was the look in her eye. Anger, betrayal, and hurt- something told me I was the cause.
The rest of the day passed with no further academic difficulties. Two extra extension dates were handed for projects that lay forgotten at home, I'd argued my way from three detentions to none and (in great part to my morning tortures) I was able to complete the fitness test with hovering colors.
Unfortunately, the social problems were much more apparent. The whole morning I'd spent snubbed by Molly, Mina, Lita, Ami and Rei (the latter of which I had come to expect such moodiness…in any case). I'd thought at first it was some sort of anniversary I was forgetting, so I spent a good hour looking over my agenda and proofreading the notes, finding (of course) nothing.
I'd tried confronting them at lunch, only to be on the receiving end of the most burning glares in history followed by a united walk off. Now, sneaking through the halls, I tapped Amara gently. She jumped and spun around with the look of one who would receive no greater pleasure than to knock the eyes out of the insolent youth who dared approach her. I cowered beseechingly.
"Amara! Please don't walk off on me! Please, please, please whyowhydoeseveryonehatemeIamsoveryveryverysorryforwhateveritisthati'vedoneordidorwilldo," I took a deep breath and groveled on my knees. "What did I do?"
At first she said nothing, and I feared she would simply stalk away like everyone else. Instead, she looked at me strangely and, rolling her eyes, pulled me to my feet.
"Aren't you supposed to be in class?" I grinned.
"Bathroom break?" Shaking her head, she dragged me behind her into the nearby lavatory. Throwing me against the wall she raised a brow.
"Start talking - eh, slowly this time." I breathed deeply.
"Ever since this morning, all the girls have been ignoring me, all day, and they're mad, and I'm not sure what I did to make them mad, but I can't even apologize or find out what I did to make them mad because they won't talk to me and I know it's not just one that I pissed off because they're standing like a united front or something against me…" I sighed. "Hpphhh! I don't know what to do." Amara leaned against the wall, reminding me vaguely of the statue of 'the thinker' I'd seen somewhere once.
"Sere, you haven't listened to the rumor mill recently, have you." I perked.
"What?" Amara raked her hand through her short, choppy blond hair.
"Some senior started this whole thing about, well, you, going out with this college guy…I don't know who started it or how it evolved or what, but it went from you being his mistress to you guys being married…" she trailed. I stood agape. Who would start a stupid story like that? The whole college guy thing, well only Seiya knew about…I clasped my hand over my mouth.
"Oh, my, God…" I mumbled. Amara leaned forward, her face hardening.
"You mean its true?" I looked up and nodded slowly.
"Partly…" She crossed her arms protectively over her chest.
"How many times have I told you? The only person you are allowed to date is me!" I slouched against the sink, lolling my head around its wet base.
"Amara," I groaned. "Not the time to be kidding." I paused. "Darien and I have been seeing each other for a while, but for, you know, reasons…"
"Like, pedophilia?" I nodded.
"Yeah. No! No, that's not what I meant. I don't know." Amara shrugged.
"So, why's everyone so pissed at you?" I winced.
"'Cause I didn't tell them…not just them, I didn't tell anyone!" I rushed. "And I would lie when they would ask about guys and stuff…" She raised her brow once more. It was beginning to get irritating.
"So, if you didn't tell anyone, how did-"
"Seiya…" I groaned. "He saw Darien and I together and I told him…"
"Then you did tell someone." I shook my head.
"It's not like you think. Dare and I'd just decided that weekend we would go public, and Seiya for karma's purpose was working at the arcade and he saw us, and the decision was already made not to lie anymore…" I wheezed frustratingly. "I was going to tell everyone about him today…" Silence crept over us both. Finally, Amara spoke.
"Well, I can understand why the girls are pissed Sere. You can't just lie to your friends and not expect it to blow up." I banged my head rhythmically against the back of the sink, shamed tears burning my eyes.
"Yeah," I croaked. "I know." She was silent for another moment before pulling me to my feet and wiping my eyes.
"Alright princess," she said. "I'll talk to Michelle and we'll see what we can do." She hugged me close, one arm over my shoulder. "Relax, okay? You guys'll patch up sooner than you know."
And so the day passed on.
I arrived home to an unusual sight. Mum was bent over the living room rug, her arms scrubbing at some indiscernible decay that had somehow managed to appear on said surface. Her eyes narrowed, intensely focused on the task at hand. I bend forward, to remove my soppy shoes when I noticed another abnormality- lack of clutter. The garbage and papers and shoes and whatever else usually clogged the front hallway had disappeared. I peeked through the closet. No limbering towers of junk. Instead, our seasonal jackets hung straight and pressed from hangers, and our shoes all lined up on a shelf I had long forgotten existed.
"Mum?" I called slowly. She didn't answer. I dropped my shoes where they were and walked down the front hall, frozen to silence by the total change I saw. Where there had been stains and drink rings and crookedly hung pictures filtered the fresh pine scent of Mister Clean. Frames had been polished and straightened to their original glory and I felt the need to steady myself against the freshly scrubbed wall. A heavy wave of nostalgia threatened to knock me violently over.
"Mum?" I tried again, but it came out no more then a whisper. I took a couple paces forward and, for a moment, stared at her motivated form. There was an intensity- no. A clarity to her eyes that I'd missed seeing, or at least hadn't been shown since Dad…
"Serena, home so early?" I jumped. Her eyes looked at me openly, with a motherly concern that had been lacking. I wasn't used to the attention. Suddenly, I felt guilty, as though this time I was secretly spying on her.
"Uh- y-yeah…" I sputtered. "I mean, yes." My eyes followed where her fingers rested, red and raw against a bristly cloth. "Um, what, I mean when-" It was like learning to talk to your parent all over again. Just when you'd thought you'd figured things out. I took a deep breath. "Looks like you did a lot today," I finished lamely.
Honestly, I wanted to ask why. It tried to burst from my chest in its normal extroverted excitement, yet I bit it down. It felt as though I'd walked into a dream- a dream of normalcy I'd long been wanting. It felt fragile, as though any wrong word or movement would destroy the new balance.
She looked around the newly sterile room, as though not entirely pleased. "Yes, well, it was due, don't you think?" her smile was warm, and wavering apologies seemed to fight the corners of her lips. At the same time, it seemed strained, like she hid something from me.
I nodded.
We stood this way for hours of minutes, moments stretched to the brink of eternity; time pulled so languidly that its very essence seemed to form somewhat poetic stances of the silence. Then, somewhere in the deserted kitchen, the phone shrieked for attention.
"Oh," Mum glanced up. She tilted her head to the side. I thought of how dad enjoyed actions like these, her childlike despondencies. "The phone…" I picked up the hint. Grinning I crossed my eyes and stuck out my tongue, in major need of comic relief.
"My adoring fans, likely." I joked. She grinned. I turned and dashed to the kitchen, catching the call on its third ring. "'Yellooo" I said, suddenly feeling ravenous.
"Hai, Odango," I grinned and felt my face flush. Walking to the fridge, I held the receiver between my shoulder and ear. "Darien?" I responded brightly. This was the first time he'd called me at home. Pulling open the door, I peeked inside the chilled closet to see what I could see.
"Serena, honey, there's a chocolate mousse cooling in the oven," I nodded (as though she could see it) and walked to the oven. Finally, I could smell something other then cleaner fluid.
"Guess again," I paused, halfway through a melting chew. Somewhere in the back of my mind a warning alarm went off, as though to say 'you'll come to regret that!' but I ignored it. I don't know why.
"Wha'?" I mumbled, mouth currently preoccupied with other endeavors. Laughter sounded on the other end. I frowned. "Who if' 'is?" More laughter.
"Can't understand a word you're saying. Listen, meatball head. Me and a bunch of people are going to the mall. Wanna come?" I swallowed the second slice.
"What?" I said more clearly, already a third piece magically manifesting itself in my hand. I was growing impatient. "Who is this?" The other line crackled.
"Guess," perhaps it was the sudden obnoxious tone, but the familiar tones in the voice finally picked up.
"Seiya?" I could hear him nod over the line.
"Who else?" Before I could retort, he interjected. "So you wanna come or not?" I was immediately inclined to say no, then, thought better of it.
"Well, I guess so…who's going to-"
"Great!" He interrupted again. I rolled my eyes. "I'll pick you up in a half hour. Be ready." I started.
"Wait! Don't you need my address?" I could almost hear him wink.
"I've got my ways." I snorted. "Oh, and uh, wear something nice." And he hung up. The little brat hung up. I removed the phone with my unstuck hand and saw (much to my dismay) half the cake had already disappeared. I slammed the phone down, annoyed. Have you no self-control? I berated myself. I couldn't understand why I did this- always did this. 'Failure must be my nature' and I cast the thought just as it came.
"Serena!" Mother called. I wiped my fingers disgustedly against my belly and strode to the opposing room. "Don't slam the phone dear." Then, separately she asked. "Who was that?" I froze, startled by her 180 degree change. Who was this woman? Could no one stay constant?
"Just a friend," I paused and added the bit about the mall. She nodded.
"Don't be late, dear. You've school tomorrow." I turned and frowned. This was mum but something, something was not right. She was acting the way she used to. I looked up. The house was as it used to be- even the banisters were polished. An uneasy feeling sank to the pit of my stomach, and for some reason, I knew it wasn't just the cake.
I walked up the stairs and prepared for the mall.
Seiya came, on time, 30 minutes later. I stood from where I sat on the steps and waved. I'd exchanged my baggy shirt and sweatpants for loose-fitting jeans and zip up shirt. It was warm enough to get away with such light wear. He honked in return and I piled, as directed, into the back.
I barely settled in the seat when he sped off, tires squealing on the not yet melted roads and threw me onto the laps of two other strangers.
"Uh, hi." The humiliation continued.
Seiya introduced his comrades as though I were already affiliated with his world. And then, we went off, doing literally nothing.
First, we stopped at the food court where we, (well the guys and myself) ordered some burgers and the girls giggled and opted for water and salads. I could feel their eyes scrutinizing my shape and suddenly felt ill. Seiya reluctantly split my meal with the other footballers. My stomach complained silently.
After the first torture spent itself, we went on to the next. First, we hit Record, the ideal zone for musical delight. I went immediately to the soundtracks isle and browsed for cd's. The girls looked at me as though my fourth head had finally sprouted.
"What are you doing?" I stared blankly. The blond girl's name escaped me.
"Looking at cd's?" She rolled her eyes, placing her hand on her hips. The other one behind followed. They were obviously part of Beryl's brigade.
"Why?" My mouth would have opened wider, but the floor seemed to be in the way. Before I could demand a pardon, I watched as their eyes flashed and widened. Spinning my head, I spotted their prey; a cute guy, broadly muscular with shaggy brown hair. And they were off. I stared in pure disbelief.
"Frightening, isn't it?" I merely nodded. Seiya laughed.
"Are they always like this?" He only shrugged and went back to where the guys hung around a young attractive teller. Their heads blocked her face, but for some reason, I was given the feeling she sent cold glares my way.
The day went on mostly like this. Near the end, I was growing frustrated with their taunts.
"Come on, Serena," Jessica(finally! I remembered her name!) Chanted. "Don't be such a bore!" one of the shorter jocks chuckled and put his arm around her shoulders, and they chuckled and tittered together like a two headed vomit dragon. The others followed their lead except for Seiya, who seemed to keep his opinion to himself. Well, that was new.
"I told you, I'm not interested…" But they continued. I understood, at long last, peer pressure. It was not an act committed to hope for acceptance. It was committed to silence the superficial demands abhorrent creatures commanded. I heaved a sigh and turned my head, desperately releasing one ear of their inane banter when I saw a sight. My lips grinned deliciously. "Fine," I said ominously.
There was a pause- a silence (oh, how I treasure it! Was this what I sounded like to my friends? If they ever speak to me again, I swear to shut up…more often…. make an effort at least). Then they erupted in giggles and awes and raucous laughter that made my skin prickle uncomfortably. How could Seiya stand these people? He seemed so…normal.
I stood up and straightened my shirt. Walking forward to the entrance of a cellular store, I paused at the entrance, found my target, and persisted.
"Why, hello handsome…" I purred as sultry as I could, carefully placing a desired strut to my walk. I placed my hand on top of his and he looked up, startled, and backed unconsciously away. I winked. He smirked.
"Meatball head- what are you doing here?" I pouted, batting my eyelashes and attempting to appear wounded.
"Play along," I whispered, maintaining my farce. He quirked an eyebrow and I jerked his arm down. "I'm here with Seiya and some of his friends and this is how they get cheap entertainment so play along or I'll never hear the end of how my follicles are in disarray and my cuticles need major attention," I paused for effect, striking what would have been a very dominatrix pose if I had a whip and leather suite. "And neither will you." He continued smirking, likely not in full comprehension of what I was about to do or why, but thoroughly enjoying the attention.
"Keep it PG, Serena," he whispered huskily. The bastard. He knows my weakness. We continued the appearance of a flirtatious show, his back to the group, my eyes peeking every so often over his shoulders. I couldn't help but hum old porno tracks from the seventies, and it took both our control not to laugh at the 'Booow-chika-Booow-boww's. Then, when I was sure we would both lose it, he swept me off my feet (literally) and dipped me for an old style kiss. I lost.
My laughter and squeal resonated loudly across the enormous space. The customers of the cell phone hut jumped back, as though frightened by actual human interaction. Apologizing profusely, we staggered out, he scolding me for "Always being so loud. Way to be subtle." But I knew he was itching to break face.
We stood before the group and the girls dropped their jaws and the boys, well, I suppose they weren't really sure what to think. Seiya simply rolled his eyes.
"Impressive, Meatball head." He mocked. "Very." I sent a raspberry his way. My enthusiasm seemed to have returned.
"This is my boyfriend, Darien Shields," I let the pride douse my words, enjoying the flustered faces of the girls as they tried to throw him flirty looks.
"Hi, Darien" they synchronized. He nodded respectfully.
"Hello- You're Serena's friends?" He looked at me questioningly, as though to say 'this is not what I expected'. I shook my head and they nodded theirs. Seiya clarified.
"They've just met. Acquaintances, I guess you could say." I sensed a sudden hostility between the two, and I wondered if Seiya was angry with me for acting so separate from the group. We all stayed and chatted a little longer. But there was a definite awkwardness and soon, we all separated. I told Darien I would call him from home, and ride home with Seiya since it was he I'd been out with.
"Mmm," he grumbled, and kissed me (more possessively then usual) before parting. During this, I felt my arms prickle again, as though someone had caught me in the midst of a crime. I looked around, but saw no ominous clowns, or familiar faces for that matter. I shrugged it off.
I came home to the same clean house I had left, slightly awed by the day's experience. I welcomed its silence after the somewhat entertaining ride home, Seiya rudely joking about everything from the other girl's behavior to the guys and their senseless submission.
Sneaking into the kitchen, I grabbed the remainder of the cake and stashed it with me in my bedchamber. I loved that word. It made me feel regal- as though I were a princess. I flipped on the small television on the far wall and sat contently back. Before the end of some MTV production, I'd finished the remaining half of the cake, and proceeded then for my cookie stash. Again, I silenced the logic that told me to stop. I don't know why.
I called Darien, and spoke to him briefly. He sounded slightly on edge and when questioned, he answered;
"I'm not comfortable with Seiya and you together." He rushed to explain his certainty that Seiya was attempting to 'score' with me. I laughed.
"We're just friends." I could hear him tense.
"I know that's what you think you are but-" he sighed. "Seiya doesn't necessarily share that opinion."
We moved onto other subjects, my friends' abandonment, his new thesis, my mother's odd behavior, and his landlord's newest demands. We finally said goodbye before midnight. Well, it was more brief then usual.
As I lay awake, the sheets rumpled under my back, I gazed to the stars. My body felt heavy and exhausted and wave upon wave of guilt crushed me.
I really should have told Molly and every one sooner. Why hadn't I? Why weren't they willing to listen to me now? Why was I such a moron?
And, what was this, going on with my mother. Had she finally gotten over her heartbreak? Or, did she have a new man in her life?
I bolted upright as though a thousand bolts of lightening accompanied the thought. My stomach bulged over the elastic of my pajamas. Frustration curdled in the pit of my stomach. I always did this. I always sabotaged my success. God. Why was I so retarded? Why could everyone put the past behind them but me? Since September, even Sammy's been able to spend time with dad…
I crumpled. Tears gathered in my eyes. Above me, the stars faded to blackness as I sent up my final conclusion.
If I were thin, everything would be perfect.
I can't believe its been such a long time since my last post. Mein, ghott. I have nothing to say in my defence except apathy is lethal. And caffeine is god. Next chapter in the works!
Dizzy4
p.s. I know I called Sammy Shingo in one of the past chapters- gah, I'm getting the English and Jap versions all crossed in my little electrified brain. I so so sorry. Will make better, good.