Title: Catharsis
Author: dealiberty
Pairing: Gawain/Galahad, Gawain/Tristan
Rating: PG-13
Dedication: For eudaimon, for being you.
A/N: This fic is complete. A chapter will be posted twice a week, on Fridays and Tuesdays. Thanks to both eudaimon and trinityc for the endless support you've given me.

Tristan.

"Gawain, Galahad." Tristan acknowledges them, not seeming at least a small bit ruffled by seeing the two knights, one staring in shock, the other glowering at him.

"Tristan." His voice is cold, and Galahad is still standing, frozen, behind him.

Calmly, Tristan simply raises an eyebrow in question - and the days before his mission, the week of his mission and the month of healing afterwards - and Tristan being away all becomes too much for Gawain. And Gawain rounds on him.

"What the hell were you thinking?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

Gawain gestures, infuriated, to Galahad who's behind him, staring at them, eyes wide with dread, fear and an amalgam of other emotions that Gawain doesn't have the patience or the time to read - not right now.

His lips curl into a snarl. "You don't know what I'm talking about," he mocks. "Dam' it all if I'll believe you. It was you, wasn't it? You who told him that he was useless because he didn't come with me?"

Tristan looks him in the eye before shrugging and answering. "I only told him the truth."

"The truth? You want to know the truth, Tristan?" He takes a step forward - a step closer to Tristan - shaking with suppressed rage. "The truth is, I'm glad Galahad didn't come with me. If he had done, I would be dead."

"And why would that be, Gawain? Because you had someone to watch your back?" Tristan's calm, cool and collected façade is starting to crack, there's emotion in his voice now - emotion Gawain can't quite place.

"Do you think I would have protected myself had Galahad been there? Do you think I'd be watching my back - or his? I had Kay and Dinidan watching my back, and that helped a hell of a lot, didn't it?" Gawain balls up his hands into fists, anger overcoming the fear of talking about what had happened. He looks Tristan in the eyes, his own eyes flashing. "I didn't break, Tristan. I didn't break like they wanted me to. Kay and Dinidan, they begged to die. They gave up - they broke - but I didn't break." He pauses, glancing back to throw a fond smile at Galahad. "Because Galahad was safe. If Galahad had been there - with Kay and Dinidan - I would have broken. I have no doubt. His pain, his death would have broken me, Tristan, and I would have begged to die."

"You don't know the truth either, Gawain." Tristan's hands are clenched too, in an effort to contain his anger. "You don't know the sorry state I found Galahad in. Just sitting there, doing nothing, Lancelot and Arthur panicking - if I was Arthur, I'd thank his God everyday that I came back when I did. Otherwise you'd still be there, Gawain, tied to a cross, dying. And Galahad would still be broken."

Startled, Gawain tries to catch Galahad's eyes, but they're turned away, hiding from him. And it all makes sense to Gawain.

So that's why he feels like he does, that he thinks Tristan's more worthy than he is.

"Better breaking here than there. Thoughts of him kept me alive, Tristan. Thoughts of him kept me whole."

"You're always protecting him, Gawain. You're always watching out for him. Do you never think of yourself?" Tristan's taken a step closer and, when Gawain turns back around to face him, he's right there in front of him. Touching distance. "Dam' it Gawain, he's not your world, he's not you. You cannot always protect him."

And Gawain attacks him. It's irrational, he knows that, Tristan can beat him, especially now, when he's still slightly stiff from the injuries, but at that moment, rationality is the last thing on Gawain's mind.

He just wants to hurt Tristan.

"You'd know all about that, wouldn't you, Tristan? All about me not always being able to protect him. You can hurt him, over and over, and I can't do a damn thing about it." Surprisingly, Tristan makes no move to defend himself, no move to stop Gawain, to block his punches, to dodge his kicks, but Gawain's too far gone to think of the implications. All he wants to do is take the opportunity to hurt Tristan as much as he possibly can. "The scars, Tristan. Tell me. Tell me about those damnable scars."

"You're always protecting him, Gawain. Always there for him. To cater to his every needs. You treat him like a prince, you pamper him."

He slams Tristan against the ground, pinning him in place. "Answer the question."

"What was I meant to think? You always are doing everything, Galahad doing nothing. I doubted he was in it for the right reasons. I doubted he loved you."

That makes Gawain freeze, lips curling even more, and he lets out a growl. A test. Tristan was testing Galahad? It didn't make any sense. He slams him against the ground once more. "What the hell do you care?" he demands, confused and reeling from all that those simply words could mean. "Why would you care?"

Instead of answering the question, Tristan gives Gawain an enigmatic smile. "How did you feel, Gawain, when you knew those were my marks? Did you feel betrayed?"

He can feel his heart clenching, beating faster, more irregular, than normal. His breath is coming in little short, sharp gasps, drawing in oxygen that never seems to be enough. And there is a stinging in the corner of his eyes.

And Gawain realises that he's not so much angry as he is hurt.

"Were you angry? Angry that he's not yours alone - that my marks litter his back? Angry that I had seen and marked what was yours?"

He is not yours alone.

Someone else has seen and marked what belongs to you.

Gawain's face pales. He's been thinking about this. Tristan seems to be plucking thoughts from his mind. All those fears that whisper to him at night, all those accusations and claims and damnations that have haunted him - all out in the open.

"Were you angry that, for once, you could not protect him?"

You could not protect him.

He's about to punch Tristan again. But Tristan runs his fingers gently through Gawain's hair before asking one final question, eyes soft and oddly vulnerable. It's a whisper - but to them, it's as loud as any war drum.

"Did it make you think of me?"

Instead of punching Tristan, Gawain kisses him - hard - roughly and angrily and fervently. And Tristan's kissing back just as feverishly.

And Galahad's world breaks.

He had thought this was a bad idea since Gawain had rounded on Tristan, wanting to defend him.

Gawain would find out the truth.

Gawain would find out that he's useless - and that Tristan cares.

And Gawain would go to Tristan - because Tristan was Tristan.

And Galahad would be left alone.

He's comforted when Gawain defends him, turns to smile at him, but he's scared - so scared that it'll all come out.

Otherwise you'd still be there, Gawain, tied to a cross, dying. And Galahad would still be broken.

He can't look Gawain in the eye. He wants to disappear. He's ashamed - ashamed of not doing a darn thing. He knows - he knows he should have but he didn't. And Tristan did. And Gawain...now Gawain knew. He wants to leave, leave so he won't have to watch the realisation of his worthlessness slip into Gawain's eyes.

But Gawain still defends him. After all that he's done, and not done, Gawain still acts like he doesn't mind - acts like he still cares.

So Galahad stays.

He's worried when Gawain attacks Tristan, worried about Gawain being hurt - but Tristan holds back. Because Tristan cares. Galahad knows that, but Gawain doesn't - and Galahad has a sneaky suspicion that Gawain's about to find out. And so Galahad worries. They fight, and he worries - and he's afraid of being left alone.

Then, Gawain kisses Tristan.

And he can no longer breathe.

He can't move. His eyes are fixed. On Gawain. Kissing Tristan. And he can't tear his eyes away. It's both incredibly - Galahad realises with a jolt - arousing and incredibly, incredibly painful.

He can't quite believe what he's seeing. After Gawain had defended him - after everything - he's kissing Tristan.

His breathing quickens as it hits him - hard. His greatest fear of losing Gawain - to death, to hatred, to Tristan - has finally come true.

And he is alone.

His vision blurs and Galahad realises that he's crying.

When he finally gains control over his legs, he stumbles, turns and runs.

The sound of footsteps running away from where they're lying draws Gawain out of his daze, and he realises where he is - and who he's with.

Galahad.

He pulls abruptly away from Tristan, eyes turning the way Galahad had disappeared, before looking back down at Tristan, pinned under him.

Tristan's flushed, mouth bruised and swollen, breathing hard, eyes bright. And Gawain can't say that he regrets it - regrets kissing him.

Tristan apparently sees the conflict in Gawain's eyes, and pushes Gawain slowly off him.

"Go to him," he urges. "Go to him and make things right, Gawain."

"But, Tristan..." He's torn. He wants to go to Galahad, there's no doubt about it, but he doesn't want Tristan to think he regrets it.

Tristan gives him another little shove. "Go. We'll talk later. Go to him."

"Later then."

"Later."

And, with one final glance at Tristan, lying flushed and bruised on the ground, Gawain takes off after Galahad.

"Galahad. Galahad, wait. Please, wait." But footsteps were still resolutely moving away from him, if anything, going even faster. "Galahad, please. Please, wait, let me explain. Talk to me, please." He could see Galahad now, just a few meters away. His shoulders are shaking, he's breathing fast and his steps are unsteady.

Galahad's crying.

"Galahad, please, just listen to me," Gawain pleads and Galahad's step falters, giving him a chance to catch Galahad's hand, pulling him around to face him. He reaches up to cup Galahad's cheek, thumb brushing away the tears there. At first Galahad flinches, trying to pull away, but, almost unwillingly, he leans into the touch. "Galahad..."

"Gawain! Galahad! Come quickly! We're under attack."

Galahad eyes widen, and he turns around, intent on getting to his gear but Gawain doesn't let go.

"Gawain, we have to - " Gawain's lips catch his, sealing them, stopping the words. This wouldn't be a normal battle, not for them. Everything's still so unresolved. Gawain had never, ever ridden into battle no knowing what Galahad's thinking - they'd never ridden into a battle so confused.

Or so conflicted.

"I know," he whispers. He rests his forehead against Galahad's, closing his eyes, simply feeling Galahad's presence. "Don't die, Galahad. Please. Don't die."

Gawain steals one lass kiss and moves away, reluctantly letting go of him, knowing that Galahad will follow.

"Please don't leave me."