Disclaimer: I do not own anything mentioned last chapter, Richard Simmons (though he can be bought on e-bay) I do not own the bible (and most of Jesus quotes are in fact directly from the bible." I OWN NOTHING TAMORA PIERCE I love all these works, even if i do not follow the bible, alot of it is a great book. Take into consideration that most of everything in this chapter is compiled of things i have heard before; in other words that none of it is mine, but only bits and pieces of everyone. Steffani gets credit for Richard Simmons, brilliant, just brilliant.
A/N: Thanks for the flame – it made me happy, especially knowing that you think this has nothing to do with Tortall because you're right I made up King Jonathan, and Kel, and the Lady night… also the name Tortall… just ignore the disclaimer – it does not apply to you. (If that made no sense, just know that this story was deleted and then reposted after changing the location, content and disclaimer.)
Welcome back to Not Your Time, I, Tofattobekidnapped (But you can call me Pete) will be your host again this week. We left your favorite stars in the medieval world of Tortall, where they were struggling to get along. The competition for the unknown prize is getting very intense… so some would say. It seems as if the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers would like to start this episode off with an announcement.
"Last night I pondered who would be leaving our world today (with their 8th place prize of course). I collaborated with others… and came to the conclusion that Jesus, is not as we previously disclosed as being a person who is all words and no action. In fact he talks while he is in action... AHEM! PG… right sorry…. anyways, after much collaboration I have decided that Bridget, will be the one to leave. Though she adds much color to our show, we seem to have run out of ale. Bridget would you please come up here to collect your prize?"
"I get a prize for last place? THIS IS AWESOME!" Running to the stage Bridget tripped and managed to pants His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers. Grinning at Jesus His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers slowly pulled up his breeches, and hand over Richard Simmons.
"Who's this guy!?"
"That's Richard Simmons." Said His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers mater-of-factly.
"I understand that," she said looking at Richard. "But what am I supposed to do with him?"
"Anything you like" Said His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers, winking at Jesus.
"Oh…" said Bridged finally comprehending, as she practically ran off stage with Richard in tow.
"Right," said His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers. "Name off I want to know who's left."
"Will"
Bill
"Jesus"
School bus
"Grissom"
Cookie crumb
"Harry Potter"
Terry's Hotter (hehe that was a good one!!)
"Becky"
Wecky
"Fezzik"
Oh, that is me
"Sinbad"
Never had…
"All right be quiet, I didn't ask for your life story… though Jesus yours was quite interesting… Your daddy sent you to his only son, to his people, so they could kill you, in order for them to avoid his wrath. So emotional," he sobbed reaching for a tissue. "So emotional… But who really cares how messed up your dad is. Time for the next task, which is really quite simple; we will be break you into three teams, two of two and one of three. Let me see…"
"I'll be with someone!" Shouted Becky.
"Aye," replied His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers "Aye, that is what I'm doing right now, putting someone with someone…"
"Okay, good, just letting you know. Because it might save you some troubles…"
"YOU ARE CAUSING ME SOME TROUBLES! SO STOP!"
"Yes… MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfSomethingOrOtherICanNotRemmeber,"
"Okay, the teams will be Will, Jesus, and Fezzik. Grissom and Becky. And Harry and Sinbad."
"YES!" Cried Sinbad. Harry turned and cried into Jesus' robes.
""Happy shall he be who takes your little ones and dashes them against the rock," said Jesus gently patting Harry on the back.
His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers was the one to address this issue "Yes, Yes, we know, we know, you love the children Jesus, you love the children… Not your task is to find the following people and collect an item from them… Kel,"
"YES!" shouted Jesus, through his preaching
Fingering the dominion jewel that hung around his neck His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers continued. "Numair, Thayet, Alan…na?, George, and Roger. Then you must return to me with the items they give you."
"Didn't Roger die?" Shouted one of the servants clearing away the breakfast dishes
"Haha… well off you go don't be late, it's a race you know. The winners get a prize, and one of the losers has to leave, you have until dusk… FLEE DAMN YOU!!"
Okay here is where I make it really simple… Team "In the Name of God" is team Will, Jesus, and Fezzik. Team "Money Analysis" is team Grissom and Becky, and team Sinbad and Potter will hence forth be called "Team we argue like a married couple so we couldn't agree on a team name, Harry wants to die and Sinbad wants his body." Now that that is settled THE HUNT!
As they exited the hall servants gave each player a weapon. I feel like making an organized list like my teacher once showed me so here we go
In the Name of God
Fezzik: A Sword
Jesus: A Mace (which he coaxed Fezzik into carrying)
Will: A bottle of an unidentified liquid
Money Analysis
Becky: A bat
Grissom: A Dagger
Team we argue like a married couple so we couldn't agree on a team name, Harry wants to die and Sinbad wants his body
Harry Potter: An Axe
Sinbad: A Mage's Staff
WOW! Wasn't that fun!! Now on with the story!!
Money Analysis
G: Come one, let's run. I think we should start from the bottom of the list and work up. People will be more inclined to work down, and if we break the pattern then we could very well win.
B: Right… Well could I just get changed into my scavenger outfit? I mean, I can't scavenger without it on, and I bought these really cool shoes to wear with it, and a little hand bag that says "Diva", so there is no way we can lose with that!
G: … Make it fast, we can't lose this
Team we argue like a married couple so we couldn't agree on a team name, Harry wants to die and Sinbad wants his body
S: Here Harry, grab my hand we'll move faster if we run together.
H: NO! Keep away from me… I'll, I'll cast a spell on you!
S: Oh Harry, you know that you can't use magic during school break… my, you are young aren't you. Come here, let us go find some quiet place…
H: No you don't!
As Sinbad ran off after Harry he managed to herd him towards the practice courts.
In the Name of God
J: "He whose testicles are crushed or whose male member is cut off shall not enter the assembly of the Lord."
F: Hoard
W: Hey, Son of God, where do you get that stuff!
F: Gruff
J: My Daddy has some crazy friends who hear voices and think it's him… It's from their documentary. My therapist says by reciting parts of it, that it helps with my Anger Management. He says it helps me understand my father through the eyes of others… what ever that means…
F: Beans
W & J: Will you shut up!
F: Yup!
Team we argue like a married couple, so we couldn't agree on a team name Harry wants to die and Sinbad wants his body
Alan…na?: Hello, you found me.
S: What? Oh, right… See Harry I told you the practice courts would be a perfect place…
H: Sir… Alan-na please – h-help, m-me… S-Sin /gasp/ bad, wants m-my /wheeze/ body.
Alan…na?: Well why don't you throw your axe at him!
S: How about I put off sexual attacks for now… and um… you take Alan..na?'s item and we win…
H: okay…. What's your item?
Alan…na?: Just the cow-sized boulder behind me.
S: How are we supposed to do that!!??
Alan..na: I don't care. It's not my problem. I just pass out the rocks.
H: Listen. Leave the boulder here, and I'll bring it when we need it.
S: You're an amazing person Harry, I truly admire you strength
H: Hey! You promised!
S: Oh, Yea… let's go… who's next?
H: Do you want to try George?
S: Sounds good.. Hey Alan…na?
Alan…na?: Aye,
S: Where can we find your latest boy toy?
Alan…na?: Oh, Stefan is in the stables.
S: …What about your husband?
Alan…na?: Oh you mean George… Right… well he's at the Dancing Dove.
H: Let's Go!
Money Analysis
B: Let's go find Numair. That's a cool name.. Num-air. What do you think Mr. Grissom… Oh, do you have a first name?
G: Gill. All right, Numair is a mage, I saw his name on the wall in the entrance hall. If we go through the palace, his name will be on a door.
B: Great! Let's go!
In the Name of God
W: Who should we find first?
J: " . . . and the people lamented because the Lord had smitten many of the people with a great slaughter."
F: Hotter
W: Yes, I agree, let's go find the hot women…. But which one?
F: Mum
W: Good choice, we'll go after the Queen Mum… not the dead British one mind… Jon's wife…
J: "Circumcise yourselves to the Lord, remove the foreskin of your hearts..."
W: You're one sick man Jesus.
Team we argue like a married couple, so we couldn't agree on a team name Harry wants to die and Sinbad wants his body
H: What does that sign with a bird say?
S: Peacock Pub
H: No the other one,
S: Kingfisher Karaoke
H: What about the one to the left…
S: THE DANCING… duck….
H: Weren't we looking for the dancing Dove?
S: Yep, But maybe we missed it…
H: Let's Keep going… We're sure to find it ahead… these people sure seem to like birds though…
S: Yea… I like to eat bird… and there is this one Hawk that carries these sexual messages from me to his sister, but I didn't know he was a man.
H: YOU PROMISED!
S: Sorry, sorry, sorry…. what's this one?
H: Blue Jay Bar? Darn. We missed it… I think these are alphabetical…
S: Hum…. Oi! Excuse me sir? Can you help us?
Random Man: Yes, take an ear and hurry up. You're not going to finish in time.
H: Who are you?
Random Man: I'm George
S: Oh… okay, well can we have one without a wart?
George: Picky aren't we!
H: Great, now let's find that Wizard!
S: There are more of you?
H: You bet!
In the Name of God
J: "...they have rejected the word of the Lord, and what wisdom is in them? Therefore I will give their wives to others..."
F: Mothers
W: Is your dad a pimp?
J: No, why would you think that?
W: Never mind… Hey look it's Thayet!
Thayet: OOOH! Hello there, I suppose you would like your item…
F: Yessem.
Thayet: Well here it is… Now that's only good for 100 silver coins… If you need something more, I know a really great guy who could fix you up.
J: What is this!
Thayet: A Gift Certificate for Plastic Surgery, DUH!
F: Woah!
J&W: SHUT UP!
F: / hiccup/
W: I say we try the mage guy now…
J: Amen.
W: What?
J: "Thus a married woman is bound by law to her husband as long as he lives...
W: You're hopeless.
Money Analysis
G: Here! Look it's the this Numair's room
B: Great we'll just let our selves in. /opens door/
G: Hello?
Daine: Why hello…. AAHH! You're not King Jonathan!
B: No, and you're not Numair… or wait! Did you turn yourself into a Girl so you could meet MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfSomethingDoerOfWhoKnowsWhatAndSomeOtherReallyLongWords, alone?
Daine: NO! That's preposterous! What do you want?
G: We were looking for your husband. He has something I need.
Daine: What do I have!? I mean… what does my husband need to give you…?
G: An item.
Daine: Oh, I lost those….
Enter Team we argue like a married couple,
So we couldn't agree on a team name
Harry want to die and Sinbad wants his body
H: Who are you people?
Daine…: What do you want?
S: An Item.
Daine…: I told these people!! I lost those. My memory isn't that great okay!
G: How many have you found so far?
S: LOOK AN EAR!
Enter Team In the Name of God
F: Here!
J: "Do not think that I have come to bring peace on earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother- in-law...."
Daine…: Good, well at least you aren't looking for an item.
J: That too.
Daine…: Hey look it's dusk and here come King Jonathan.
Enter MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoer-
OfGoodAndBanisherOf-
EvilDoingsThatAreNotAs-
GoodAsSomeOthers.
KJ: Hello all, Nu-I mean Daine. What items have you collected?
J: Well my Lord, we visited your wife –
KJ: YOU DID WHAT!
J: Well you did list her.
KJ: Right… and what did she give you?
J: A gift certificate..
KJ: Typical. What of everyone else.
G: We didn't find anything.
B: No that's not true, We found a way to communicate better, I mean, I never knew you before, and now I know your name is gill.
J: Gill… Like the fish?
G: Yes, I suppose you could look at it that way.
J: "And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you."
G: I don't believe in you.
J: NO!
G: Yes. I am afraid too many wars have been fought in your name.
J: How dare you! "But God will shatter the heads of his enemies..."
G: Wonderful. I look forwards to seeing the coroner again.
KJ: That is enough! Harry, Sinbad what have you found?
S: Well I have this ear, and Harry has the boulder.
H: yea, one second. Accio Big Rock!
/big rock flies in and lands behind MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOthers/
KJ: Very Nice…
Daine: I could do better.
KJ: that reminds me Arram, you mages staff is in my chamber, come and get it later.
Daine: I would be more than willing…
KJ: Wonderful… well go to your rooms, and sleep a little… Grissom or Becky will be leaving next week. SO LEAVE AND PACK!
So we draw this week to a close. I am Toofattobekidnapped (but you can call me Pete). Don't forget our contestants all recieved their battle items today. And we've seen a growing relationship between a number of our contestants. Mainly with the king, but Harry seems to be warming to Sinbad. We interviewed His Royal Highness the MasterOfTheUniverseKnowerOfAllDoerOfGoodAndBanisherOfEvilDoingsThatAreNotAsGoodAsSomeOther just moments ago, and he wanted to leave you with this
"Stop reading now, I do not want to share my women, or my men, or my men women at that. People have started to break my rules. Remember!
The first rule of being in Tortall is we don't talk about Tortall.
The second rule of being in Tortall is we don't talk about Tortall.
All the women are mine, Thayet, Alanna, Kel, Jesus, Numair, Numair in disguise and that Yamani woman… Yuki or other.... Got it? ALL!
No one leaves without my permission, or else I'll tell this jewel I wear to send the trees after you.
Stormwings are there to laugh and throw things at. If you are their friend, I'll tell the jewel I wear to send the trees after you.
Now turn those bloody cameras off, I have a meeting with Nu-Daine, and h-she is more than certainly going to try and coax me into giving back that mages staff…."
A/N: More will come... after exams, hopefully before I leave for Florida, or maybe later... I lost the 12 or so reviews I had before... eh. No big, please send me some hate, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.