Chapter seven: Mutual understanding

Why are endings always so hard?

The end of the 'holiday', as Giles had called it, was beginning to draw near, and not just Giles was brooding about it. Buffy had befriended Harry, whom she would sorely miss because he was one of the few people who knew her little secret. And Xander… well, he was confused about things he'd been sure of his entire life. It was like everything he'd ever believed was tumbling down before him, leaving him alone to deal with the consequences.

Since the night they'd spent together, Ron hadn't been seen. Hermione had asked for him at breakfast – apparently there was something she needed to talk to him about – but no one had known where he was or how long he was to be gone. Xander had felt nothing but relief at first, because his disappearance-act allowed him to escape the otherwise inevitable confrontation. But now, he just felt like a coward. Was he to leave the castle behind, and with it all his problems? That was the easiest thing to do, the one that would cost him less headache. But it wasn't very righteous, was it? And if Xander had learned anything from hanging around with superheroes and alike, it was to be righteous at all times, or at least try to be.

Well, he had tried. He had tried to find Ron, but seeing as he didn't know his way around the castle very well, it hadn't gone as planned. He had lost himself completely, and if it hadn't been for the fact that he'd bumped into Dumbledore on the second floor, he might not have made his way back at all.

His mind was there all the time, taunting him with uncomfortable thoughts. Thoughts of Anya, for example; his girlfriend, sitting at home, waiting for his return in her childishly eager way. What would she have said if she'd seen him with Ron?

What was he going to do? Sure, he wanted to be honest with Anya, but how would she react to his confession? He could see it all now. "Seducing small boys? How could you do that to me? We're to be married! You gave me this ring!" and so on into eternity. The accusations would never end, and what was worse, he was guilty.
Or was he? Had he seduced Ron? It was all a bit blurry in his head. But he was straight, wasn't he?
Wasn't he?

Sitting in the Gryffindor common room, memories came rushing back to him. Ron's eyes as they'd been aflame with such an anger, such a passion, that he'd never seen anything like it. Ron kneeling before him, leaning forward. Kissing. And then?

He didn't want to think of what had happened next. Maybe denial was for the best. Just… deny that anything ever happened, and go on with life as it had been before. Walk away. And never ever look back.
Denial was a comfy alternative to reliving yesterday night in his head. He arose from his chair, and turned around to walk out into the corridor. He had promised to meet Buffy in the Great Hall; apparently, there was something she needed to tell him.

He drew breath violently when his eyes met Ron's. The boy was standing right in front of him. Xander wondered how he'd succeeded in sneaking up on his like that. Then again, he had been lost in himself for quite some time.
For a moment, they just stood there, glancing at each other. Inspecting every inch of each other's faces to detect even the slightest grimace of… anything. That's when Xander realised that Ron was as insecure and lost as he was.
He decided to do the noble thing: to take the first step.

"Hi, Ron," he said, voice as steady as he could muster.
Ron looked away, fixating his eyes on the carpet, as though it was suddenly very interesting. "Hi."
"So…" Xander struggled to find something to say. He had a really hard time doing it, though.
"So," Ron retorted futilely.
"So… where have you been today? Everyone was worried." Thank you, Xander thought to no one in particular.
"Took a stroll 'round the grounds. Figured I ought to clear my head."
"Good idea," Xander said, feeling awfully pathetic. "I wanted to clear my head too, but there was no alcohol anywhere."
The faintest smile played on Ron's lips. Then it died again. Xander cursed it for being so weak. He really could've used a smile.

"Look," said Xander shakily, trying to stay focused but not quite succeeding, "I wanted to talk to you about… about…"
"Last night," Ron filled him in. "I can see why. I remember what you said about having a girlfriend earlier."
"Yeah, exactly. Well, she's not just my girlfriend, she's… my fiancée. And I really didn't mean to betray her in any way. I think what happened between us was… well, you know, we have so much in common, maybe we misinterpreted a feeling of mutual understanding into believing it was…" He stopped, desperately seeking the right word. "Maybe not… love, but… ah, God dammit. I should just shut up, shouldn't I?"
Ron took a valiant step forward. "Maybe you should. Look, I've been thinking things through, and… it wasn't about love, I think, nor about actual passion. I just think we… connected in some way. So I was thinking… why spoil it?"

Xander felt very confused. "Umm… spoil it? What do you mean?"
"I mean… you're going away soon, aren't you? Today, if I'm not mistaken. And… we're never going to see each other again. You'll go back to your girlfriend… sorry, your fiancée, and I'll be here. Waiting for the right person to come along some day. So why don't we treasure this… mutual understanding that we have for what it is, instead of analysing it to death?"

Xander thought about this for a moment. He hadn't expected this. He had thought that he'd be forced to let down a poor boy that had developed an infatuation of sorts with him. But this… he liked the idea. He really did. Because how could having a mutual understanding with someone be considered cheating?
This was of course a terribly childish thought. But then again, Xander had never been that mature.

"I think you have a point," he said, smiling towards Ron. "Maybe we should treasure this, because it won't ever come again. Ever."
"Then," Ron said, moving a bit closer still, grabbing hold of Xander's upper arms, "I think we should. Treasure it, I mean. Make the most of it."
Xander shuddered slightly. "Guess we should." And he embraced the boy without so much as a second thought.