AN: Here's a new chapter. Sorry if it formats incorrectly, I can't maneuver the new upgraded FFnet. I miss the Quick/Edit preview and no matter what the main page says, I can't find it. If anyone has any advice, please let me know.
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"I wasn't going to kill myself," Ryan said hoarsely. Kirsten and Sandy were sitting by his bed.
"Ryan…"
"Let me explain," Ryan said, clearly steadying himself. "Someone…they gave me the gun. They said I should fight until I couldn't fight anymore…but that when it was time…I could stop suffering…so…I had it and it…it scared the hell out of me…everyone says I'm getting better, but they look at me like I'm already dead…I drank the whiskey because…just because I thought it would make me not feel sick for a little while…"
"You have to talk to us, Ryan," Kirsten said.
"You're both so tired…" Ryan whispered.
Sandy took Ryan's hand. "You know you can't do this by yourself."
"I trust you…but this is so hard and…I didn't mean to scare you, I didn't mean for you to see…I wouldn't…I wouldn't do it in your house…" Ryan continued.
"Stop it," Kirsten scolded. "Promise me you won't give up…"
"I promise…" Ryan whispered.
"Who gave you the gun?" Sandy asked gently, not wanting to upset Ryan further.
"I…I don't want to tell you…I won't see them anymore," Ryan said.
"Why not?" Sandy asked, confused.
"Teresa?" Kirsten offered.
"No, no, not Teresa…she'd kick my ass…" Ryan protested.
"Ryan…we need to know," Sandy urged.
"She…she didn't mean any harm…"
"Who?" Sandy pressed, ignoring Kirsten's worried glare.
"Teresa's mother," Ryan confessed, flushed with guilt. "Her father and her first husband died and they…they suffered…she was only trying…"
"Stop it," Sandy sighed. "That's done. You need to rest. The alcohol's all out of your system, Dr. Tarleton's starting an IV of saline and increasing your compazine. He's also giving you something for your pain so you can rest."
"You're just going to put me to sleep?" Ryan asked.
Before they could answer, Ryan said, "Thanks."
"I'm going to stay with you. You're coming home first thing in the morning," Sandy said.
"What'd you tell Seth?" Ryan asked.
"You're dehydrated. Don't worry."
"Thanks. I'm sorry I freaked out…" Ryan said.
"No more drinking and no more freaking out without telling us," Kirsten whispered, kissing his forehead.
"Okay," Ryan smiled. Dr. Tarleton entered with Ryan's medicine as she exited.
"I'll turn the lights off as soon as you're settled," Sandy said as Dr. Tarleton injected several syringes into Ryan's IV.
"Thanks," Ryan said.
"I'll be back to check on you." Dr. Tarleton held up a pill. "Remember what we talked about?"
Ryan nodded and accepted the pill into his hand and swallowed it before turning to Sandy. "Antidepressants are added to the daily meds."
"You agreed to that?" Sandy asked, surprised.
"Whatever helps," Ryan replied. Dr. Tarleton left them alone.
"Ryan…"
"I didn't mean it. I didn't, Sandy. Not like you think…"
"You've been really sick these past few weeks, Ryan. But you're not dead. You're not dying."
"I…I know. It just sucks feeling like shit every day, feeling worse every day and having the doctors tell me I'm getting better when…I just feel worse."
"You're doing so well, Ryan. You're healing, you just have to believe it."
"I want to finish the chemo. I can't see past it…I only have four more sessions and I'm finished…but this fever…and my little crack-up is going to put that off and…I need to get it finished, Sandy. I need to finish it…" Ryan said urgently.
"Ryan. I know you're stretched to your limit, but I need you to take a step back for a minute and listen to me." Sandy kept his voice even and gentle. He needed Ryan to snap out of his self-pity and listen.
Ryan nodded.
"Dr. Tarleton's prognosis has changed. He originally thought that you'd need the full series of chemo that he explained, but he thinks now that you don't need it. He thinks it's done its job. Ryan, are you listening?"
"How could he be so wrong? Are you sure?"
"He's compensating for the changes in your system. This is a good thing. A great thing. It's going to take a while for you to get back to 100 but…the chemo's over."
"Over," Ryan repeated blankly.
Sandy studied Ryan's face carefully. He could see the disbelief and the fear and the confusion flashing on his face. Finally, Ryan met his gaze and held out his hand. Sandy shook it, holding it and lowering their hands to the bed.
"That…that's cool. He's a good doctor…if you believe him…then I believe him."
"Trust, Ryan. That's all you need to do…"
Ryan nodded. "Okay."
"Good. Now get some sleep."
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Ryan slept all the way home the next day and Sandy hated to wake him but he had to put him to bed. Sandy woke him and helped him inside. Ryan was still weak and without something to lean on, couldn't walk unaided.
"What took you guys so long?" Seth asked, clearly relieved to see Ryan. "You all better?"
"Not all better. But a little better," Ryan smiled.
"Cool. Anna's here, you want to go to your room?" Seth put his arm around Ryan's waist and helped him to the bedroom.
"Thanks," Ryan said as Seth released him on the bed.
"Hey, there. How're you feeling?" Anna smiled.
"Better actually," Ryan accepted her hug.
"That's good. Great, man," Seth smiled.
"I…I need to talk to you guys…I want to get changed first, though…"
"We'll be right here," Seth responded, his smile fading into worry.
Ryan went to the bathroom. One of the good things about the bigger bed was he could support himself on the edge around the room. Once he was in the bathroom, he took a quick shower and got dressed before his strength waned. He rejoined Seth and Anna. He sat down on the edge of the bed beside Anna, facing Seth who was in the chair. "Better," He said.
"So, what's up?" Seth asked.
"I…I probably shouldn't tell you guys this…but I sort of feel like I need to. You guys have done a lot for me and I owe you an explanation."
"Are you okay, man?" Seth was concerned.
"I'm…I'm going to get better…but I freaked out. I scared Kirsten, I scared myself and…"
"What are you talking about?" Anna asked, confused.
"Okay. I'll start at the beginning. I've been pretty stressed out. With the fever and Trey and…and all of this…" Ryan took a deep breath. "So…someone came and visited me and…she freaked me out even more. She gave me this…gun…in case I didn't get better…"
"Dude…" Seth whispered.
"And…I didn't…I wasn't going to do anything but…I tried to get drunk and I was looking at it…I was just holding it and…"
"That's why Mom took you…" Seth realized.
"Ryan…why would you even keep it?" Anna asked quietly.
"I…I don't know. I was just…freaked…"
"But…" Anna urged.
"I'm sorry. I…I wasn't going to use it, I'm getting better. Dr. Tarleton says I'm going to be okay…so the whole thing seems so stupid…"
Anna leaned over and embraced him tightly.
"Dude…you know that you're, like, never going to be left alone now, right?" Seth asked seriously.
"I'm fine, Seth," Ryan said.
"I need to talk to Mom…" Seth left abruptly.
Anna was still holding him tightly.
"Anna, I'm sorry."
"You should be. For even considering. For not telling that person to shove their gun up their ass because you didn't need it. You should be sorry…"
"I know. I just had a little…crisis of faith."
"But you're over it?" She released him so she could look at his face.
"Yes. I'm over it."
"Good," She nodded.
"You think Seth's okay?" Ryan asked.
"I'm glad you told us. So we can help."
"Thanks," Ryan smiled sadly.
Seth returned with a tray of soup and rice. "Breakfast."
"Seth…I'm sorry," Ryan said.
"You're going to be okay. I'll let it slide…for now," Seth said. He pointed his finger at Ryan. "But if you ever do anything like that again, I won't be responsible for what happens to you if you even consider something like that again, okay?"
Ryan smiled. "Okay, Seth."
"Good. Now, I have to go pick up Summer and then I'll be back."
"Thanks, man. If you and Summer want some time…" Ryan started.
"You've been away for, like, two days. Or something. We're hanging here. Anna, keep watch," Seth said. Anna gave him a mock salute.
Anna urged Ryan to lie down in the middle of the bed and she stretched out beside him. She set the tray on his lap and watched him as he ate.
"I didn't mean to scare you."
"Well, you did," Anna replied honestly.
He glanced at her with his deep blue eyes and she shivered despite herself. "Sorry."
"Stop apologizing," She said, putting an arm around him. "You've had a harsh few weeks." She lowered her voice. "I didn't know that you were so…"
"Freaked out? Scared out of my mind? Yeah. I tried to hide that…" Ryan sighed.
"You don't have to hide that from me," She said. She was surprised when he pulled her into a gentle hug, clinging to her.
"I know…" He said. "I'm just so tired of everyone worrying about me…"
"Then don't worry about it. Worry about yourself. We can take care of ourselves…" She replied, rubbing his back.
She knew it was coming. She'd been trying to fight it. But they both needed something right now. She couldn't lose him. And he needed her. They'd still be friends.
She kissed him softly on the lips. He hesitated a moment before responding. He kissed her back and it was like everything clicked. He moved his hands to her face and she put her hand on the back of his head, keeping him connected.
He turned his face away suddenly and buried his face into her shoulder.
"I'm sorry…I was supposed to wait until you were better…" She apologized, still out of breath from his kisses.
"I'm sorry, too…it's not a really good time for me to be…"
"Be what? To let someone care about you? To let yourself be normal?" She whispered. She was pleased that he kept his arms around her. He was trembling, but he wasn't letting go.
"I'm…I'm pretty messed up right now, Anna…I don't know if this is a good idea…" He murmured.
"Ryan…we're friends. We will always be friends…I'd like…I'd like to be more with you…if you…"
"I would, too…but now? I can't even walk you to your car when you leave…"
"I don't care," She whispered, rubbing his back. "I like being the strong one…"
He laughed. She was holding him, now. She didn't want to look in his blue eyes and see his emotion. She wanted to hold him.
"You scared me, Ryan. Telling us about the gun…that took a lot out of you, I know…and I was going to wait until you were better, until you had more choices and you were well again…but…if I didn't tell you and something happened…I'd never forgive myself."
He pulled away and made her look at him. "More choices?"
"You know what I mean. Marissa or any of those little freshmen that swoon when you walk by…choices…" She said.
He ran his finger down her cheekbone. "I don't need any other choices. God, you're the smartest girl I know, and you're into me? That's…it's surreal."
"Well, you're the hottest guy I know and…"
"And I'm into you…" He murmured, kissing her. "I'm not exactly 'hot' anymore, am I?"
"You're a little thin, but that's going to change…" She said, between kisses. Now that they'd started, she didn't know if she could stop. "I'm just taking advantage of your vulnerability, you know…"
He laughed.
They could hear Sandy and Kirsten talking from the other room and they separated. The door to the room was open and inviting. They had to stop.
"Can we take it slow?" Ryan asked, lacing his fingers with hers.
"Slow?"
"Yeah. I mean, I…I'm not exactly inexperienced, but…"
"You're a big slut, right?" Anna teased.
He smiled, more relaxed than she'd seen him in days. "Well, I guess you could put it like that. But I haven't really ever had…a girl that I really liked. That I was willing to try and…have a relationship with…"
"You want a relationship?" She asked.
"Well…yeah. A real one. You?" He questioned.
"Yeah," She smiled. "We'll take it slow."
They were silent.
"So…how do we do that?" Anna asked.
"I guess…maybe a date?" Ryan suggested.
"A date. That'd be nice. It's not like I don't see you every day already…"
"That should eradicate the first date jitters, then, right?" He grinned.
"Yeah. It should."
"I don't know when, but…"
"What about now?" She asked.
"What? Summer and Seth…"
"Double date."
He raised an eyebrow. "You want to tell them that we're 'dating'?" He asked.
"True. We'd never hear the end of it."
"How about…when we go to school on Monday, how about we hang out afterwards?"
"We do that anyway."
"But…officially…between us…we could date afterwards," Ryan said.
"That sounds nice. It's a date," She said. She leaned over to give him a kiss but Seth and Summer bounded into the room.
"What's up, guys?" Seth asked, bouncing on the bed, oblivious to his interruption.
"Nothing," Ryan and Anna said in unison.
"So, we took the opportunity to rent some DVDs. What are you in the mood for? Horror? Comedy? Action? Romance?" Summer asked, dumping a stack of DVDs on the bed.
Anna laughed. Ryan yawned despite himself. "Your pick."
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Sandy and Kirsten stopped outside Ryan's room and glanced inside. Ryan was asleep under the covers in the center of the bed. Anna was sitting on one side while Seth and Summer were curled up together on the opposite side. Seth, Summer and Anna were watching the TV with rapt attention.
"Maybe you guys should let Ryan get some rest?" Kirsten asked quietly.
"He is resting. He's fine. Come on, Mom," Seth pleaded. "We aren't bothering him."
"Okay. He needs his rest, though," Kirsten said.
"I don't think Ryan minds, Kirsten," Sandy said as they walked into the kitchen.
"I know. He's just had such a rough couple of days…I don't want them to upset him."
"They're probably just what he needs right now," Sandy replied.
"You think he's going to be okay?"
"Yeah. I do. The gun…it scared him as much as it scared us," Sandy replied quietly.
"He told Seth. And Anna, I think. Seth came out and told me."
"He told them?" Sandy was clearly surprised.
"Yeah. Seth was pretty shaken, but he calmed down once I talked to him. I told him that Ryan was getting better and he just needed support. I don't think Seth realized how scared Ryan really is," Kirsten replied.
"I don't think any of us did. But he's going to be okay," Sandy replied.
Kirsten searched his face. "You really think so?"
"Yes, I do. He seems better. Even though he's sleeping, he seems better now. After our talk at the hospital today, I think he really regrets the whole…gun thing."
"I hope so. He was just shaking and staring…it was so scary, Sandy…" Kirsten said.
Seth and Summer entered the kitchen.
"We crave sustenance. Any snacks?" Seth said.
"Did Ryan eat?" Kirsten asked.
"Earlier. Anna fed him. He ate most of the soup and a little of the rice. He said if he has to eat any more rice he'll start speaking Chinese," Seth said.
"He was so cute trying to work the chopsticks," Summer added.
"We're taking snacks. If he wakes up, we'll feed him. God, it's like we're talking about a baby or something, he'd hate this," Seth muttered.
"Well, when he's over this, we'll lighten up on the babying," Kirsten said.
"Thanks, mom," Seth said, passing juice bottles and snacks to Summer. They made their retreat with the food.
Summer and Seth froze outside the bedroom. Anna and Ryan were talking quietly and they were holding hands. Seth gave Summer a knowing glance and a grin before stepping in.
"We're back, kids. Mom and Dad said to feed you if you were awake," Seth said, pretending not to notice the way Anna and Ryan separated immediately.
"Give me a few minutes and I'll be asleep again," Ryan grumbled.
"Too late, Chino. Do we need to spoon-feed you?" Summer teased. Anna and Seth laughed at his stricken expression.
"Juice?" Anna held open a bottle of juice for him. He accepted it, draining it quickly.
"Damn, man, you thirsty?"
"Always. I'm going to go talk to Sandy and Kirsten for a minute. I'll be back," Ryan said. Anna stood up and started to steady him, but he stood up on his own and gave her a smile before making his way into the hallway.
"Anna Stern, you're holding out on me…" Summer hissed as soon as Ryan was gone.
"What?" She asked, confused.
"You and Ryan, all cuddly, holding hands and being all sweet…spill!" Summer urged.
"We're…"
"If you say you're just friends, warn us so the lightning won't strike us all," Seth warned.
Anna sighed. "We…we're taking it slow…"
"Taking 'what' slow?" Summer pushed.
"Us. We're…we're going to try…dating."
"You do know that Chino…he's like a…" Summer ignored Seth's warning look. "He's a big slut."
"I know," Anna smiled. "That's why we're going slow."
"Slow?"
"His idea. He's sick, guys. Let us alone," Anna said. "He doesn't want to make a big deal out of this…"
"Okay. We won't mention it to him. But I want to know everything from you," Summer said seriously.
Ryan walked into the kitchen.
"Hey, kid. How're you feeling?" Sandy asked.
"Okay. Better. I can't wait until people stop asking me that," Ryan admitted, sitting down.
"Sorry," Sandy smiled.
"It's cool. So…I wanted to talk to you guys. I think…I think I need to start snapping out of this funk."
"What did you have in mind?" Kirsten asked, confused.
"Can I go to school on Monday?" Ryan asked.
"Half-days," Sandy stated.
"At first. I know that even though I'm not currently slated for any more chemo…I'm still not back at full speed."
"We'll talk about it on Sunday. See how you feel," Kirsten agreed.
"And I'd like to start exercising…a little…like, walking or whatever. I just can't veg out in bed, my body will be crap by the time I'm healthy again. Whatever Dr. Tarleton clears for me to do…"
"Your coach has already offered to help with that. We can probably arrange something," Sandy nodded.
"There's something else. It costs money…" Ryan said timidly.
"What is it, Ryan?" Kirsten asked.
"Well…Dr. Tarleton thinks I should see a therapist. A shrink. He says I have…trust issues. He says it might help me get better if I talk to someone…outside the family."
"Oh. That's…are you sure? I mean, we're not pushing you," Sandy said, surprised. He and Kirsten had discussed broaching the subject with Ryan in the past but decided that he was be against it so they never mentioned it.
"I know. But it might help…like, with the dreams and with the whole…with my issues. It might help me get better," Ryan said quietly.
"We'll set something up. It's a good idea," Sandy said, giving him a reassuring smile. "It won't hurt…"
"God, I hope not," Ryan snorted.
"Ryan…I think it's a great idea. To talk to someone who is unbiased and nonjudgmental. And…it's your decision," Kirsten said.
"It is." He gave them a shy smile and lowered his voice. "Anna…she wants to go out…I've never had a girl like her be into me before…I'd like to be a stable, healthy guy for her. Not sick, not violent…just…worthy, you know?"
"Worthy? You…" Sandy started.
"Sorry. Slip," Ryan apologized, clearly not wanting Sandy to dissect his wording.
"Good luck, Ryan. We'll make some calls about that," Kirsten smiled.
"I better get back. Seth has snacks."