As Grissom walked through the doors, he had a noticed 'Pep' in his step. Today was the day; Sara was back. It had been nearly five weeks since he received the call, the call that changed his world. Sara, drinking, and driving. Only a few days before he asked her if she needed a vacation, but she refuted it. He should have forced her; he should have been her friend. Somewhere in the past 4 years, he had stopped being her friend, he had become numb. If he couldn't have her, he couldn't be near her. Until that night, he had no idea how much his actions had effected their lives.

On the night before Sara was due back at work, Grissom couldn't sleep. Like a teenager in love, he had butterflies in him stomach. He himself had also taken his own advice and was just returning from a three-week vacation. He knew the lab would be hard pressed with both of them off, but he wanted to make sure things were better when they both came back to work, if she came back. He didn't know where she went to, she asked him not to contact her.

His thoughts brought visions of Sara sitting on a beach, reading a book, sleeping to the sounds of the soothing ocean. Little did he know that is exactly what she was doing. Sara had also started to see a counselor. She needed to get past this. She needs to know everything wasn't her fault; Sara Sidle couldn't save the world. She hadn't picked up a beer since that night, and by the end of her vacation, she felt renewed, relieved, and reborn. At her counselor's request, she made a list of priorities.

Work less OT

Take Vacation Time regularly.

Get out more, make friends, and more importantly, be a friend.

Find a Diversion

Speak to Grissom

Sara needed to let Grissom know she was ok. She was no longer drinking and was working on her internal issues. She also needed to speak to Grissom about her career path. Tell him she would no longer accept 'Because he didn't care if he got it' as an excuse any longer. She wanted goals on how to achieve Lead CSI. She would accept no less. If she didn't earn it on merit, ok.

Her list wasn't long, but involved speaking to Grissom, and finding a way for their relationship to work. Their relationship had worked as Teacher /Student. She learned so much from him, but now, she needed him to see her as an equal, or at least be a supervisor she could learn from. In her mind the idea of her and Grissom ever being lovers was pushed far back into her old hopes and dreams. She had always been at the top, First at Harvard, then in San Francisco. She needed to be there again, and by building up her professional relationship was now her main goal. She knew that wouldn't be easy, but she had nothing else on her mind than to make her life better.

Sara returned to Vegas with new found confidence. Her counselor helped her realize she is an excellent CSI, and even better person. Sara decided she would no longer let Grissom bring her down, either personally or professionally. On her first day back in Vegas, Sara decided on her diversion. Sara signed up with The Vegas Chapter of "Big Brother/Big Sister." She wanted to help out a kid in need. Maybe if she had someone help her when she was a kid she wouldn't be so messed up today. Grissom once said they meet people on the worst days of their lives. She needed to do something that actually helped someone, something that gave her a sense of accomplishment. She volunteered to work with an abused or orphaned child. Sara never considered herself good with children, but children seem to be drawn to her. She could be a good role model, couldn't she? She could not think of a better diversion, helping children who had no one to care about him or her. Sara painfully knew what that felt like. After speaking to the group head, she was assigned a 6 year-old girl whose father had abused her, and was now in jail. She lived with her Mother, but since her mother was the sole supported, she worked a lot and a friend. The girl's name was Molly, and Sara was looking forward to meeting her next week.

On her first day due back at work, Sara woke with a start. Panic began to set it. She quickly rose and hopped in the shower, briefly stopping at the bathroom mirror to look at herself. Pull yourself together Sidle, you can do this. Sara jumped in her truck and it drove her to work. She was only 1 hour early, fighting the urge to be there earlier, but she had promised herself. Pulling in the parking lot she couldn't help notice Grissom walking toward the door. Even though it had only been 5 weeks that passed, if felt like an eternity. Realizing she was holding her breath, she let out a sigh. Why does my heart flip-flop at his site? Sara walked into work, heading to the break room. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

When Grissom told Catherine he was taking off, she nearly bit his head off. It meant a lot of OT for everyone involved. Grissom reminded her that Greg was almost ready to be out in the field, and that he even found his replacement.

"Catherine, if I don't take this time off," he paused, throwing his glass down on his desk, "Listen, I need to learn how to live, how to be a better supervisor and friend, and I need to know how to love."

Catherine looked at him curiously, "Is this about Sara?" Grissom looked up, thinking about what he wanted to say.

"It's about me, it's about who I have become, and I don't like that person. I haven't been a good supervisor or friend to anyone. I haven't asked you about Lindsey in months. I haven't asked Nicky or Warrick if they had any new love interests, I know nothing about anyone lately, not even myself. Most of all, I may have ruined Sara, the one person who has truly cared about ME. I've destroyed her personally and professionally. How did I NOT recommend her for Lead CSI? She is the best CSI here, no offense Catherine."

Catherine looked at her friend realizing how bad his life had become.

"Gil, you need this, I see that now. Please go and find yourself. I know you love Sara; you need to let yourself and Sara believe that. Before you go, talk to Cavallo; tell him your mistake in recommending Nick. Despite the position not being open any longer, Cavallo needs to know how good Sara really is."

With that, Catherine walked out of his office. Grissom sat at his desk for a long time just preparing himself for his time off. He had to do it; he had to make his life better. How could he grow old a tired and lonely man?

Grissom packed up his case, and headed to Cavallo's office. He could at least make this right. Looking up, he asked, "Robert, Do you have a minute?"

XXXXXX

Grissom closed his eyes as he landed in Hawaii. He thought about going to see his mother, but realized he needed to be alone. He needed to think about his life, and what he had become. He was tired, weary, and his life was out of his control. The first few days he did nothing but sleep. He slept dreamless sleep, he was numb.

Into his second week, Grissom was walking along the beach thinking about the exciting young student that he had met all those years ago. What had become of her, what broke her? He painfully knew the answer to that question, him. Grissom sat down, looking over at a family playing on the beach. In a split second, a ball flew over to him. Grissom looked up to an adorable girl running over to him. As he looked at her face, he saw a bight, shiny 6 Year old with a huge gap in her front teeth. He couldn't help think if he and Sara had a daughter, she would look similar to the girl standing directly in front of him.

"Hi Mister, Can I have my ball back?"

Grissom looked again at her, "Sure, here you go," handing the ball back to her.

Still standing there, she asked Grissom "Hey, what is your name? Mine is Molly."

Again, he looked up into her beautiful blue eyes, "My name is Gil."

"Where is your family Gil? Don't you have one?" She looked at him as if all adults had to have families.

Grissom closed his eyes, and barely breathed out, "no, no I don't."

Still not moving, she asked "how come?"

Grissom loudly exhaled not knowing if he was annoyed at himself or annoyed at the girl who in the last 5 minutes dug into his deepest wounds. How do you explain to a 6 year-old that you thought your career would be your family, and that you ruined any chance you once had at a real family.

Looking up again, Grissom said, "well, it's complicated, but maybe I'll have one some day."

The girl so innocently spoke, "Oh, I only have a Mommy, my Daddy left us. I really don't know where he is, I didn't get to say Good-bye." With that, she turned around and ran back to her Mom.

Slowly, Grissom put his head down and the tears started falling. Slowly at first and soon become a gut wrenching weep. By the time he looked up, darkness overcame the beach, and he was shivering. He still didn't know what he had to do, but he had to do something. He couldn't think any longer that day, walking back to his hotel; he crawled into bed, rolled over and slept. Grissom woke to the sound of his cell phone.

"Grissom."

"Gil, is that you? This is Catherine."

Grissom looked over at the clock; shift must just be getting over. "Gil, I called to see how you were doing."

"Fine, you woke me up." He now pushed himself up to a sitting position. "Catherine, why are you really calling?"

Catherine laughed, "It's been a little crazy here, and I needed to make sure you were still coming back next week, and is Sara?"

Even at the sound of her name, his heart fluttered. In a split second, he realized Sara might not come back. What would he do without her? How did he let this go on for so long, evading her, hurting her, hiding his true feelings for her? Deep down, she had to know he loved her, right?

"Yes Catherine, I'm coming back next week. I only hope that Sara is too." With that, they said their goodbyes. He couldn't speak to her about his fear that Sara wouldn't come back, not now, not ever.

Grissom lay back down on the bed putting his arms behind his head. He closed his eyes and wondered what it would feel like to have Sara lying on his chest. His eyes drew tired, and he drifted off to sleep. By the time Grissom woke up, it was almost noon.

As he was climbing out of bed, he realized he had a full arousal. As most nights, he had wonderful dreams about Sara, only if one day they would come true. Sitting up, he sighed, Great, what am I going to do about this? Grissom headed to a cold shower, but that didn't work. Finally, as he stood in the shower, he closed his eyes and started stroking himself. Sara, hmmm he thought about Sara being in the shower with him, her hands touching him. Her smile, her laugh, SARA, within minutes, he was releasing himself almost shuttering from the explosion. God, if she ever really touched him, he wouldn't last 5 seconds.

Grissom spent the rest of his vacation fishing, hiking and reading. One thought encompassed him almost every minute; He needed Sara, and hoped he wasn't too late.

"Gil? Gil? Are you going to hand out assignments today?" Looking up, he saw Catherine looking in on him. "Yes, I'll be there in a minute."

"Gil, you look well rested. I hope you had fun, and did a lot of thinking," Catherine gave him her normal smirk.

"Hmm," was all he muttered as his thoughts were filled with one thing, Sara.

"Oh and Gil, Sara's in the break room." With that Catherine turned and left.

Ok Breath. She's here, she came back. He wouldn't ruin it again. Grissom slowly walked to the break room, stopping just before he got there. He heard a wonderful sound, Sara's laugh. How he missed that sound. He walked towards the room, and looked in. His heart almost stopped as he spotted her sitting next to Nicky. He was breathless. Ok, I can do this.

TBC