7. Heat Rash

It was way way WAY too hot in there. Even with the Goron Tunic on I was boiling. Apparently all that thing was supposed to do was keep the heat from killing me, and it was doing its job, but the heat of the crater was beating down on me from all sides, sending rivers of sweat streaming down my body and soaking through my clothes. And, whether or not my female readers want to hear about this, it is really hard to fight evil with your balls stuck to your leg.

Not that I was fighting evil yet. After finding myself inside the volcano all I did was look around and ignore Navi. There was an unbelievable drop into lava all around the little outcropping of rock that I was standing on, and, nearby, an enormous rock that was blocking a source of cooler air. Naturally I tried to bust up the rock and get at that cooler air, but (here's the weird part) I couldn't blow it up! For someone of my mental capacity that was a disturbing concept. Something that bombs couldn't destroy? Blasphemy!

But I gave up on that when I saw a platform with the Triforce symbol on it off in the middle of the crater. Working by my theory that anything with the Triforce on it is important, I swung across the broken bridge and headed for it.

Sheik jumped down from out of nowhere.

"Holy crap Sheik!" I exclaimed. "You scared me!"

Sheik ignored my comment and spoke. "It is something that grows over time, a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes stronger over time. The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power and through it, you will know which way to go… This song is dedicated to the power of the heart, listen to the Bolero of Fire."

And since he said it so insistently, I did. And I played along. And just like the other times I felt the power of the music between us, but this time I felt something else too. I didn't really think about it, since I don't really think about those things, but if I had I probably could have saved myself a lot of heartache and confusion. The sooner I realized I was falling for Sheik the softer the blow would have been later.

Anyway, once we stopped playing I started towards Sheik. I wanted to talk to him, to be near him, to know how he could wear all those clothes inside the crater without passing out from the heat. But before I could even take two steps a wall of fire sprang up in front of me, blocking me from Sheik. "Hey!"

"Link…I'll see you again."

And then he was gone.

"Damn him anyway," I muttered.

"That's right, damn him," Navi agreed wildly. "Damn everyone!" Her sudden enthusiasm for the damnation of the very people she was helping me save was obviously sarcasm, so I did what I usually did whenever Navi talked: I ignored her.

The wall of fire died away and I was allowed to progress. There didn't seem to be anything pressingly important about the Triforce pedestal, so I continued my explorations.

Across the cavern I could see a cave, so I crossed the stone bride and went into it, climbed down a very long ladder and found my self in the Fire Temple.

Keese were everywhere. Keese that were…on fire? Okay, very strange. I shot them down and went through the only open door in the room.

"Darunia!" The massive Goron was standing in front of an enormous threatening-looking door across the room from me. At the sound of my voice he turned and stared in surprise.

"Who's there? Is that you, Link...?" He peered at me. "Oh, it really is Link! Good to see you again, Brother! " He crossed the room in six mighty strides and clasped my hand firmly. Unfortunately, firmly for a Goron equals crushing for a skinny little Hylian like me. "You've grown so big since I last saw you!"

"Umm, good to see you too," I grinned awkwardly and tried to bring the feeling back into my hand. "Well, good considering the circumstances."

"Ah, yes," Darunia nodded grimly. "I want to have a man-to-man talk with you, but now's not the time, Ganondorf is causing trouble on Death Mountain again."

"Well, I'm here to do whatever I can to help," I shrugged.

"I knew I could count on you when it really mattered! This is why I am glad to call you Brother." Darunia smiled so warmly that I couldn't help but feel that he meant it. It was a nice feeling; I didn't have parents, but at least I had a brother.

"How bad is it?" I asked.

"Bad," Darunia shook his head, all business. "He has revived the evil, ancient dragon Volvagia. On top of that, he is going to feed my people to that evil dragon as a warning to other races that might resist him... If that fire-breathing dragon escapes from the mountain, all of Hyrule will become a burning wasteland! I will go on ahead to try to seal up the evil dragon," he gestured to the ominous door behind him. "I'm concerned, though, because I don't have the legendary hammer, but I have no choice..." Darunia was silent for a moment, looking disturbed.

"You're right," I said. "This is bad. But the bright side is: You're not alone. With both of us here, we can save your people no problem" I smiled up at him, hoping to bring back some of that enthusiasm.

"Thank you my brother!" Darunia clapped me on the shoulders and nearly drove me to my knees. "I had almost forgotten what a mighty hero you are. And now that you're nearly grown, you must be even stronger!"

I shrugged weakly. "Must be."

"Link, I'm asking you to do this as my Sworn Brother...While I'm trying to deal with the dragon, please save my people! The prisoners' cells are in the opposite direction." He gestured toward them.

"Of course I'll help! Just out of curiosity, where are the others?"

"Hiding," Darunia answered. "I rescued the majority of them since they were being held in groups, but the last eight are alone in their cages." He shook his head sadly. "There is nothing a Goron hates more than the loss of freedom."

"I think everyone hates that," I said, "but I'll do my best."

"I know it. I'm counting on you, Link!" Darunia clapped me on the shoulder one last time, then left me to my own devices.

Rubbing the parts of my body that were left aching from the encounter, I scanned the room that I was in.

Lava, fire, stone, Keese, and a trapped Goron all the way on the other side. This was going to be difficult.

One hour and six freed Gorons later, I was about ready to give up. I had faced Like Likes, Keese, flying floor tiles, lava, and waaaaaaaaay more fire then I would have liked, and now a scarecrow-looking thing had burst into flame and started dancing around and throwing fire at me. I was almost starting to hate fire as much as I do the undead.

But I beat the crap out of the little round guy that was the Flare Dancer underneath all that fire and hopped onto his platform and rode it up.

Then I had to climb a lot of wire fences, Hookshot some switches, and dodge some more fire…until I found myself in a fairly impressive room. It was huge, for one thing, and for another there was a huge staircase next to a thin staircase that went around most of the wall (there was just one wall, since the room was circular). But the thing that really caught my attention was all the way at the other end of the stairs: a chest, surrounded by fire.

Things I have learned in my life:

1. Stuff surrounded by fire is either a horrible enemy, or something the bad guys don't want me to have.

2. Stuff the bad guys don't want me to have is usually something I want very much.

3. Hormones suck

4. Boredom can't kill you, but you might wish it could.

Okay, so those last two don't have anything to do with the subject at hand, but they're things I've learned. Point is: I wanted to get to that chest. In order to do that I had to do some other things first.

Step One: Find out how. There was a switch below me which, when I stepped on it, turned off the flames. Unfortunately it only turned the flames off for a ridiculously short amount of time, and I couldn't get up there fast enough.

Step Two: Kill the Keese. Keese are mean and would make it rather difficult to get to the chest in time. With the bow I could do it but a lot of the Keese were far away and weren't coming close. So I walked up the thin stairs until one came towards me, and I shot it. I did that to all the Keese the moved on to…

Step Three: Speed drills. Run up the stairs, DON'T FALL DOWN, get to the chest just after the fire springs back up. Damn. Do it again. Damn. One more time. Damn.

Step Four: Finally do it right and get this big honkin' hammer. Oh yes, this is cool, this appeals to everything male about me. A big honkin' hammer. Even the name is masculine. The Megaton Hammer. Megaton, it really sounds like something you would use to smack something else. Or crush it. Whichever. The only downside of the Megaton Hammer was that it was so heavy I had to hold it with two hands and couldn't use my shield at the same time. No big deal though, shields are for sissies.

Me and my big honkin' hammer had a lot of fun in the rest of the Temple. Three more Gorons, another Like Like, more spinning tiles, and a rematch with the Flare Dancer later, I stood outside the scary door that Volvagia hid behind. I held in my hand a scary key that I was sure would unlock it. The key had been inside the last trapped Goron's cell. I'm not really sure why, but I've never been one to question the intelligence of leaving keys where I can find them. They've gotten me into plenty of important rooms, so I'm completely happy my enemies are dumb.

So me and my big honkin' yammer went to play Whack-A-Mole with a dragon.

For a Legendary Dragon, Volvagia was kind of weak. He didn't attack me directly a lot, and my good friend the Megaton Hammer really took it out of him. I think I gave him a fairly serious concussion before I killed him. And I did kill him. And it was oddly anti-climactic.

I walked into the room, leapt across to a big platform in the middle of the room, and Volvagia exploded out of a hole. After flying around and knocking down some rocks he went down into another hole…and that was pretty much all he did. I think Volvagia was just too old to be that dangerous. Or maybe he was too hungry for Goron to be that dangerous. Whatever.

As soon as Volvagia was decapitated I was surrounded by light and transported to the Chamber of the Sages. Where Darunia waited for me.

"Thank you, Brother!" Darunia grinned at me. "I really appreciate what you did. I thank you on behalf of the entire Goron race! You turned out to be a real man, just as I thought you would!"

"Darunia? What are…?"

"I, the wild Darunia, turned out to be the great Sage of Fire. Isn't that funny, Brother?"

"Really?" I blinked. "Oh wow, I can't believe this!"

"I know," Darunia grinned at me. "Well, this must be what they call destiny. Nothing has made me happier than helping you seal the evil here! Hey, Brother, take this! This is a Medallion that contains the power of the fire spirits, and my friendship."

The red Medallion floated across to me, where I caught it and absorbed its power. "Thanks Darunia. And…good luck to you." The light took me over again and filled my vision.

"Don't forget, you and I are now true brothers…"

I won't Darunia, I won't.

I was back in Death Mountain Crater, and very near that big rock that I couldn't blow up before. Since the Megaton Hammer had yet to fail me, I took it to the rock. Which crumbled satisfyingly.

Behind it was a long passage filled with cooler air, which was very nice after running around in the volcano for so long. I walked along down it, with no idea what I'd find at the end, until I entered a bright chamber with sparking walls, colored torches, and a still pool of water in a decorative fountain at the back.

My heart sank. I knew where I was, I knew what would happen, but I just didn't have the willpower to walk away.

I played Zelda's Lullaby in front of the fountain and braced myself as the almost sob-like mad laughter filled the chamber, then, with a scary serial-killer shriek of laughter, a vine-covered woman burst from the water and looked down at me.

The Great Fairy turned me on. Not just a little, oh no, I wasn't able to focus on anything but her nearly-nude body for the entire duration of my stay. Did it matter that her laugh scared the hell out of me? No. Did it matter that her excessive pink makeup and wild pink hair would have turned me off if I was just a tiny bit sane? No. She still turned me on like no other (real) woman had, and I hated myself for it.

As soon as she was gone (I had no idea what she'd said), I fell to my knees and started banging my head on the edge of the fountain.

"Link," Navi bobbed over me, sounding concerned. "You're going to damage what little brains you have." Or maybe not so concerned. "Why are you doing that?"

"I'm working myself toward trauma-induced amnesia."

"What! Stop it Link, stop it!" She bobbed up in front of my head to stop me from banging it.

"I want to forget this, is that so bad?"

"Well…no, considering. But then you won't remember that your magic is stronger."

"My what?" I blinked wearily.

"Your magic is stronger, you can use it more without running out."

"Okay, cool." I stood up and held on to my forehead. "Ow."

"Come on, let's go!" Navi bobbed off down the passage.

"Where are we going?" I asked, following her numbly.

"Zora's Domain. If this is what happened to the Gorons, I wonder what's happened to them!"

I would go and see the Zoras. I would! But I had other things to do first. Like climb to the top of Death Mountain the hard way and visit that Great Fairy. Not because I really wanted to see her (brr), but because the Great Fairies tend to give me great stuff. Really! That's why!

Anyway, I went up there, and the Great Fairy did nothing but heal me and turn me on (brr), but outside her cavern…

"HELLO DOWN THERRRRE," the enormous Goron said.

"Wow you're huge," I blinked up at him.

"DID YOU SEE THAT ERUPTIONNN?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.

"Um, no. I-"

"WHAT?"

"Oh. I wasn't really in a good place to watch an eruption!"

"I SAW THE WHOLE THINNNG. THE ASH FROM IT REALLY DID A NUMBER ON MY EYYYYES."

"That's too bad! I'm sorry!"

"IT WILL INTERFERE WITH MY WORRRK, I'M A SWORDSMITH."

"You are?"

"WHAT?"

"You are!"

"YES. MY NAME IS BIGGORON AND I'M THE BEST SWORDSMITH AROUND. I'M NOT BRRAGGING, IT'S THE TRUTH. I'M EVEN BETTER THAN MY BRROTHERRR MEDAGORON."

"Hey, I've met him! He said he was making a sword that will be incredible!"

"I'LL BET YOU ANYTHING THAT HIS SWORD WILL LOSE ITS EDGE OR BREAK AFTER ONLY A FEW DAYS."

"If you say so!" It was starting to get a little hard to keep shouting up at him. "Listen, I've got to go! It was nice talking to you!"

"I HOPE I DON'T SEEM TOO CHATTYYY. I DON'T GET A LOT OF VISITORRRS."

"Nah, it's cool! See ya!" I waved goodbye, hoping he could see it, then headed off down the mountain.

"Are you going to go to Zora's Domain now?"

"I'm sure they're fine Navi," I said. Please let them be fine, I prayed silently.

"They are not fine!"

"You ever think you might be wrong, just for once?"

"No."