Time Travel, Drag Kings, and Why I Hate Hormones Chapter 18: Holy Crap!, a legend of zelda fanfic

18. Holy Crap!

Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap.

Sheik was Zelda. Zelda was Sheik.

And if that wasn't bad enough, Zelda was drop-dead gorgeous. A sheet of blonde hair like silk fell around her shoulders and down her back. Her eyes were wide sapphires, containing the perfect blue of the sky on a summer day, Lake Hylia in spring, and the river all year round. Her dress, though rather fancy, clung to her thrilling curves in all the right places, but was just loose enough to tantalize the imagination. Her face was the work of angels, perhaps even the gods, with full soft lips, a high clear forehead, a button nose that had never quite lost its childish cuteness, and the ivory complexion of a true blonde.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, I was madly in love with both of them. As soon as I saw that Sheik and Zel were the same person, all of the thoughts and feelings I'd been having, the ones that hadn't made any sense, all the pieces of the puzzle just clicked into place. I was in love with Zelda. Head over heels, truly, deeply, totally insanely in love. Dammit.

Something about her complexion reminded me of something. Sheik, that was it. Sheik had been tan, but Zelda looked like she couldn't tan. Her ivory complexion would fry in the sun without proper care. Now, I'm blond too, and I do burn, but I'm one of those people who burns, then tans. Zelda would never tan.

Maybe that was why Sheik always kept his face covered and wore long sleeves and pants even in Death Mountain. Not to hide his face from view, but to hide Zelda's delicate features from the sun.

Now that I was looking for it, I saw other signs of Sheik in Zelda. There was a mostly-healed cut under her left eye, and another one on her right cheek. Her arms were a bit more muscular then one would expect a princess's to be, and there was some scar tissue on her left arm, just peeking from under her glove. Her eyes, which I had already compared to sapphires, held some of that stone's hardness in their depths.

zzz

Okay, flashback. Here's what happened before my world both turned upside down and started making sense again.

Right as I appeared back in normal space I heard a familiar voice in my head. "Link, can you hear me?"

"Rauru?"

"Yes, it is I. Link, you have awakened-"

"What are you doing in my head?"

"What? It is called telepathy, I have worked at the ability for-"

"Oh my god!" I realized something. "It was you!"

"What?"

"You're the one who put all that puberty info in my head!"

"Well, yes. I realized about a year ago that you would be awakening much older than you had been, and that you probably would not understand many things about your body once you did. So I took steps to inform you of the changes your body had went through, and was still going through."

I didn't say anything.

"I thought it would be helpful."

"It was, it was, but… You went in my head!"

"Link, please listen. Finally, all of us, the six Sages, have been awakened. The time for the final showdown with the King of Evil has come. Before that, though, you should meet the one who is waiting for you at the Temple of Time." And then he was gone.

"One?" I repeated. And my mind prayed, Zelda!

So I played the Prelude of Light, warped to the Temple of Time, and whirled around so fast it made me dizzy, looking for someone, anyone, Zelda.

Sheik.

"Sheik!" I exclaimed. "What are you- Why did you-" I shook my head. "Look, we need to talk."

"Later." Sheik looked very sad, but was smiling a little. "First I have some stuff to say.

"If you would seek the sacred triangle, listen well... The resting place of the sacred triangle, the Sacred Realm, is a mirror that reflects what is in the heart...the heart of one who enters it... If an evil heart, the Realm will become full of evil; if pure, the Realm will become a paradise. The Triforce...the sacred triangle...it is a balance that weighs the three forces: Power, Wisdom and Courage. If the heart of the one who holds the sacred triangle has all three forces in balance, that one will gain the True Force to govern all. But, if that one's heart is not in balance, the Triforce will separate into three parts: Power, Wisdom and Courage. Only one part will remain for the one who touched the Triforce...the part representing the force that one most believes in. If that one seeks the True Force, that one must acquire the two lost parts. Those two parts will be held within others chosen by destiny, who will bear the Triforce mark on the backs of their hands.

"Seven years ago, Ganondorf, the King of Thieves, used the door you opened in the Temple of Time and entered the Sacred Realm. But when he laid his hands on the Triforce, the legend came true. The one who has the Triforce of Courage…is you Link!"

At that exact moment I felt a vibrating in my left hand, and looked at the back of it. The Triforce was shining through my glove, with one of the three triangles brightest. This was getting weird.

And the other, who holds the Triforce of Wisdom..." Sheik was saying, "is the seventh Sage, who is destined to be the leader of them all..."

He took a deep breath, then held his hand in front of him. It glowed suddenly, with such a bright light that it temporarily blinded me, and when I turned back…

"It is I, the Princess of Hyrule, Zelda." She took another deep breath, this one far more interesting. "I- I apologize for meeting you in disguise, but it was necessary to hide from the King of Evil. Please forgive me…I-" She looked at me for a moment, then turned away. "I passed myself off as a Sheikah and hoped that you would return. I waited for seven years. Link I'm…such an idiot!"

Of course, I didn't hear any of this. As soon as I saw that Sheik was Zelda, my thoughts went something like this: 'Oh crap, Sheik is Zelda! Oh crap, Zelda's gorgeous! Oh CRAP, I totally love her!' Then I just thought, crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap.

I started going through every moment with Sheik, everything he'd ever said to me and everything I'd ever said to him. Suddenly a lot more made sense.

"A thing that doesn't change with time is a memory of younger days…"

"It is something that grows over time…a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes stronger over time… The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power and through it, you will know which way to go… This song is dedicated to the power of the heart…"

"A childish mind will turn to noble ambition… Young love will become deep affection…"

"YOU HAVE A FIANCÉE?"

"I've got a legitimate reason for dumping her."

And of course, that kiss.

That kiss…

Then I remembered something else, something worse. Sitting in the Temple of Time, listing all my problems.

"Oh god!" I exclaimed. "I talked to you about sex!"

Zelda blinked, startled. She'd been talking the whole time. "Have you even been listening to me?"

"God!" I exclaimed again. My face was burning.

"Oh yeah, I remember that. Look, it was no big deal, it's not like I think any less of you or something."

"But- but-" I shook my head. "It was weird talking about it with Sheik, but you? You're a girl, and a princess besides, I just- It's so-"

"Calm down Link," Zelda smiled at me. "I'm still Sheik inside, just the appearance has changed."

"For the better."

Zelda blinked, then blushed prettily. "You really think so? I haven't seen myself in years so…"

"Trust me Zel," I smiled. "You've got nothing to worry about."

She smiled at me again, then shook her head as though to clear it. "Look, before I forget, you need to take these." From somewhere in her skirts she pulled out a bundle of arrows. "Light arrows," she said. "They destroy all evil monsters in one hit, and they're the only thing that will hurt Ganon from a distance."

She held them out to me, and I took them. As I did, my hand brushed hers, and I was suddenly sharply reminded of how very, very beautiful she was.

And how it had felt when she, or he, or whatever, kissed me.

Damn.

Zelda looked at me, a little smile on her face. "You know…no one's ever called me by a nickname before."

"Do- do you mind?" I asked, suddenly nervous.

She shook her head. "Not at all. Not at all…Link." The way she said my name sent a shiver through me, especially down below.

I gulped. I loved her so much. Why hadn't I seen this before? Was I really that big of an idiot?

Maybe so.

Zel opened her soft full mouth to say something, I don't know what, but suddenly a blue sheath came down and no sound escaped it. I jumped back, startled, and stared helplessly as the blue crystal Zelda was encased in floated up and away.

She was shouting. I couldn't hear her, but her face was screwed up in anger and her mouth was moving in familiar patterns so I could guess what she was saying. Princess Zelda was cussing her head off.

"Princess Zelda, you foolish traitor," a voice said. That same voice from seven years ago, and about a week ago. "I commend you for avoiding me for seven long years, but you let your guard down. I knew you would reveal yourself if I let this kid wander around! My only mistake was to slightly underestimate the power of this kid…" he paused. "No…It was not the kid's power I misjudged, it was the power of the Triforce of Courage! But, with the Triforce of Wisdom that Zelda has…" he laughed, evilly. "When I obtain these two Triforces… Then, I will become the true ruler of the world!"

The crystal floated farther away, and began to shimmer, like it was disappearing. Zelda banged on the crystal walls and looked down at me, shouting my name. I shouted hers right back.

"If you want to rescue Zelda, come to my castle," Ganon said. Then the crystal, and Zelda, vanished completely.

"GANON!" I screamed, so loud my throat hurt. "I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS! YOU HEAR ME GODDAMMIT! I WILL KILL YOU!"