Title: You Don't Know (What You Got Till It's Gone)
Author: Jack Meets Eric
Rating: PG
Summary: You know that saying? You don't know what you got till it's gone? Well, it's true…

You know that saying? You don't know what you got till it's gone? Well, it's true.

When he died, we were all in shock. Everybody felt numbed, helpless, guilty… But most of all – scared. Who knew anyone coming from a place like Sunnydale could die of anything else besides a demon? But now I know that we can.

Once upon a time, demons were my whole life. They were the ones that wreaked death and havoc in my life. I had to fight and kill them, to make the world a better place. It never felt really rewarding afterwards, but it was my job and I was good at it. But this… this put my whole life up till now in a totally new, frightening, terrifying perspective. For the first time in my life, I am scared to death.

You see, it wasn't a vampire, or a Master, or an Adam. It wasn't something I can battle and defeat. Death crept up on us, and this time, Giles didn't have any books to look through for clues or prophecies; Willow wasn't able to do a locator spell or find a special ritual; I couldn't simply grab my stake and go out for the hunt. It was too sneaky and small to hunt.

It seems so unfair that the body, the only body we have in this life, sometimes simply gives up. You seem to be healthy, feel healthy, look healthy - but underneath it all, there is just this tiny little thing that forms the seed of total destruction. And then it starts to grow, and it travels through your body - and still, everything seems to be just fine. And then one day it doesn't want to travel anymore, and decides to get stuck.

And now it's too late to say all those things that I would have like to tell him. It's too late to show him how much I cared for him. I can't touch him anymore, listen to his jokes or funny remarks, or just sit with him and watch some crappy old movie while eating too much popcorn.

I realize that you truly don't know what you got till it's gone. Now that he is gone, I realize what I had. What he never got from me. What we could have had.

And I have to live with it.

Rest in peace, Xander. I know what I got for you.