Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! I tried to update sooner, but my computer had a bug or something. Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving and no one was injured shopping the day after, those women can be scary! I have my pirate songfics up now, yay! Go read them, they'll make you laugh, or at least smile! They're called When You're A Professional Pirate... and Cabin Fever! As always, please review, and be nice. Thanks to any and all of you who have read and reviewed any of my stories, you make me smile! Happy Holidays!

Disclaimer: I own a piece of chocolate cake that my roommate made today, and possibly a pair of socks with frogs on them, if they didn't get lost in the dryer again. You cannot have either. Don't sue, please! I'll give you the Wheel of Hair if you want! After the show, of course!

WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?
A Cheesy Game Show hosted by Meriadoc Brandybuck

Chapter 3

"Welcome back to our show!", says Cheesy Game Show Host Merry enthusiastically! "YAY!!!" cheers the audience. "Now it is time to determine who will be the first to venture into the overgrown forest that is known as Gimli's beard! And how do we do that?", he asks. "WHEEL OF HAIR!!!" the audience screams. "That's right!", says Merry. He now starts to call the contestants up one by one to stand next to a big Cheesy Game Show wheel that was orange and had suddenly materialized out of nowhere. Instead of numbers, this wheel had pictures of different hairstyles around it. "Now our players get to spin the exciting Wheel of Hair, and whoever gets it to stop with the arrow pointing to the biggest hairdo gets to go into the beard first!", he explains. "Doesn't that sound like fun?", he asks. "YAY!!!" cheers the audience again.

"Alright, Aragorn, come on down! You get to spin first because we're going in alphabetical order.", Merry the Host tells the man. He walks over to the wheel and gives it a mighty spin, but to his dismay it lands on Crewcut. "Oh, that's too bad!", Merry tells him, "Next up is-" "Wait a minute!", Aragorn interrupts, "I demand a do-over!" "Sorry, you can't have one.", says Merry, "It wouldn't be fair, I'd have to give one to everyone else, too." "But I'm the one true King!", he protests. Merry counters with, "Yes, but I am the King of Cheesy Game Show Hosts! Take that, Bob Barker! Now, Aragorn, if you don't go sit down I will have to disqualify you right now!" The ranger takes his seat, but still looks angry.

"Okay," Merry says, "We'll continue now with Boromir! Come on down, Boromir!" The man runs excitedly up to the wheel and spins it, jumping up and down and yelling, "Come on, Rapunzel! Big hair! Big hair!" The wheel clicks to a stop with the arrow pointing to Afro. "YAY!!!" the audience cheers. The Gondorian man gives a triumphant yell and jumps up shouting, "HAHAHAHAHA! I beat you, ranger! Take that, kingy-boy! I win, you lose! You're nothing but a-" "Boromir, okay, that's enough!", Game Show Host Merry tells him, "That was great, but there are still six more contestants left to spin it. Don't go getting ahead of yourself. Haha, ahead of yourself, get it? Ahead? It's the Wheel of Hair?" Pippin and a few of the slower audience members laugh at his sad excuse for a joke, but that's it.

"Ahem, moving on," Merry says, "Frodo, you're next! Come on down and give it a spin!" The hobbit spins the wheel hard, but alas, he ends up with Shiny Bald Head. The audience went "Aww!" "Hey!", protests Aragorn, "How come nobody went 'Aww!' to me when I did bad?" "Because they don't like you!", Merry points out cheerfully. The other contestants nod in agreement.

"Next up is Gandalf!", our favorite Cheesy Game Show host announces, "Come on down, Gandalf! Let's see what you can do!" The old wizard steps up and spins with all of his might, but he is old and it does not move very far. It lands about four spaces from Frodo's space, on a Bowl Cut. "If only I had my staff!", he mutters as he returns to his seat.

"Alright, it's Legolas's turn now, come on down, Legolas!", says Merry. He spins the wheel and turns to Merry. "You know," he says, "I really don't think I want to know what's in there. I'm almost afraid of it!" "Then why did you want to come onto the show, then?", Host Merry asks him. "Because," whispers the elf, "Just between you and me, I'm being blackmailed!" The Wheel of Hair stops on another Shiny Bald Head, and he sighs with relief! "Aww!" says the audience, angering Aragorn again. "At least I don't have to go first!", Legolas says happily.

"Pippin, it's your turn!", Cheesy Game Show Host Merry says, "Come on down and spin the wheel!" The youngest contestant steps timidly up to the large wheel and spins. Not wanting to see how badly he does, he covers his eyes with his hands. The Wheel of Hair clicks to a stop and, instead of going 'Aww!', he is surprised to hear the audience cheering ecstatically and clapping loudly! Pippin peeks through his fingers and is overjoyed to see that he landed on Rapunzel, the biggest of all hair! "YAY!!!", he yells, jumping up excitedly and reminding us strongly of Boromir, who is cheering for the tiny hobbit right now. "Congratulations, Pip!", says Merry, "That means that you'll get to go get things out of the beard first!"

"Our next spinner is Sam! Come on down and give it a try, Sam!", Merry the Host says. Sam spins the wheel and is preparing himself to be last, but it stops with the arrow pointing to Dredlocks. The crowd cheers "YAY!!!" He didn't do too bad! "Great job, Sam!", says Merry. He returns to his seat smiling.

"Last, but not least is Smeagol", Host Merry says, "Smeagol, come on down!" The creature called Smeagol slides and slinks up to the giant wheel and tries to spin it very hard. It spins around a few times and ends up landing on a Mohawk. He dances happily and cheers as he returns to his seat because he didn't wind up getting a Shiny Bald Head like Frodo and that stupid mean elf!

"Well now, wasn't that entertaining?", Game Show Host Merry asks. The audience cheers and all of the players except for Aragorn nod in agreement. Merry continues, "Now we have to have a short commercial break, but we'll be right back with Pippin getting ready to be the first to see…" "WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD!!!" the audience yells. The camera fades this time from poor Pippin's look of uncertainty.

Yup, you guessed it! Another Cheesy Commercial!

This time the camera zooms in on a silver-haired elf dressed in sparkly purple spandex. Frightening, eh? Upbeat 80's dance music plays in the background. The elf smiles cheesily and we realize it is Haldir of Lothlorien! He looks at the camera and starts doing a cross between Tae-Bo and disco dancing. He asks us, "Do you like to dance? Do you need to exercise? Are you fat, slobby, and at risk of getting killed during the next raid on your village because you're too slow to run away? I can teach you to be as fit as a fiddle in five easy workouts! All you need to do is buy my exercise videos! I've got Sweatin' with Disco, Groovin' with Techno, Shakin' with Hair Metal, and many more! Plus, my good friend Richard Simmons even joins me in a few workouts to teach you how to get in shape and exercise your body and mind! You can do it! It's easy! Just buy my videos!

"You don't even have to really do the exercises, just send me some money and that's it! You're a fat tub of lard, so if I cheat you out of your cash, you'll be too lazy or too busy eating to hunt me down, and if you do find me, you'll be too slow to catch me! In fact, you won't get angry because you'll believe anything I say because you're stupid, too! So call now at 1-555-HALDIR2 and order my great workout videos today because they will make you thin and smart and pretty and talented like me! We also sponsor a great Cheesy Game Show called WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD? But you shouldn't watch it because you need to order my cool videos and watch them all the time and nothing else! So call now!"

A very business-like and professional sounding voice that sounds suspiciously like the author now says very fast, "Warning! This commercial may or may not contain subliminal or unsubliminal messages causing the uncontrollable urge to by this stupid product. Also, Haldir may lie. A lot. But buy his videos anyway just so you can watch him dance!"

The camera now, thankfully, leaves behind the scary spandex-clad guard of the Golden Woods and returns to the set of our favorite Cheesy Game Show, where Pippin is preparing to plunge into the unknown perils of Gimli's beard!