Disclaimer: I own a bowl of macaroni and cheese and a spoon. You can't have it because I'm hungry and I've already licked the spoon to avoid any theft you may be considering. I own nothing here except the Kibbleshnitzel and the giant rubber band. Now on with the story! Oh yeah, and if you haven't already done so, please go read my Pirates Of the Carribean musical numbers, they'll make you laugh! Thanks to all who reviewed those as well!
WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?
A Cheesy Game Show hosted by Meriadoc Brandybuck
Chapter 4
"Hi there!", says Merry, "And welcome back to our show! We're getting Pippin ready to go into the dangerous depths of Gimli's forest of facial hair! He won the Wheel of Hair round, so he's the lucky one to go in first!" "Wait!", says poor Pippin, "You mean I have to go INTO the beard?! I thought I just had to reach in and pull stuff out!" "Now where would the fun in that be?", Host Merry asks. "Lets go over the rules now, alright? You will get five chances to jump in and pull whatever you grab onto out, but you'll be blindfolded so you can't cheat and pull out only what you guessed. As each thing is removed from the beard, we check the players' lists to see if anything matches!" At this a Cheesy Game Show scoreboard appears out of thin air with all of the contestants' answers written next to a picture of their heads.
"Now come on, Pip, let's get you suited up!", the host says. A Cheesy Game Show assistant materializes on the stage and walks over to the two hobbits, handing them everything Pippin needs to prepare for his perilous plunge. "Okay, Pip, put on this football helmet. Yes, and this gas mask. Now this life vest. And these swimming flippers. Don't forget the rubber gloves! And a lemon! Good job! Now let's get you up onto the platform so we can put the blindfold on!"
"Platform?", the diver asks, barely intelligible from inside the mask, and indeed a Cheesy Game Show platform has appeared about ten feet above the still snoozing dwarf. It had a diving board on the end, presumably where Pippin needs to plunge from. The cousins climb the ladder, Pippin with some difficulty due to the flippers.
"Now we just put on the blindfold.", Merry says, and does so, "And attach this giant rubber band to your feet so that you'll bounce back up! Are you ready?" The poor player nods nervously, and with some trepidation, walks to the end of the board. He closes his eyes and jumps! Down he falls, and just when you think he's going to splat against Gimli's chest, he disappears into the enormous hair!
A few seconds later the rubber band pulls him back up onto the platform. In his hands he holds a strange object that is large and sparkly. "That's Elrond's chandelier from his dining room!", says Game Show Host Merry, "I'm sorry but no one had that on that on their list." He takes the lighting fixture from his cousin and tosses it over his shoulder. It lands with a crash onto the stage. "Oops!", he says, "Oh well. Try again, Pippin."
He jumps in and comes up this time with a cute little live goat! "Aww!" the audience says. "Great job, Pippin! You probably saved this little guy's life!", Merry tells him. "Yay!", says Pippin. "Maaa!", says the goat gratefully, and licks his rescuer on the cheek. "Now then," says Merry looking at the scoreboard, "Legolas guessed that we would find a goat, so he gets a point!" "YAY!!!" goes the audience. 'Ping!' goes the scoreboard, and a little check mark pops up next to the word 'goat' by Legolas's picture. "Okay, little fella, down you go!", Merry the Host tells the little goat, and gently drops him down onto a large pillow that had randomly appeared on the stage.
"Keep goin', Pippin!", Merry says. The tiny hobbit dives in and comes up carrying a tiny sparkly thing this time, too small to be a chandelier. It turns out to be Aragorn's hypnotically shiny necklace that Arwen gave him. "So that's where I dropped it!", the ranger exclaims. "No one gets a point this time, I'm afraid.", says Cheesy Game Show Host Merry.
Pippin jumps into the scary hair a fourth time and bounces back up. In his hand is a strange object. Upon further examination it turns out to be a half-eaten baseball glove. Strange. "Boromir supposed that we would bring up a baseball glove," says Merry the Host, "so he gets a point!" "YAY!!!" goes the audience, and 'Ping!' goes the scoreboard. The overly excited man jumps up out of his seat and cheers, doing a victory dance and yelling to Aragorn, "Oh, yeah! I have a point! I see no point on your list, Ranger! Perhaps that is because you are stupid and aren't going to win! Hahahaha!" "Boromir, calm down!", Merry tells him, "And please take your seat, Pippin still has one more turn." Boromir takes his seat, but still shoots smug looks at Aragorn.
"Alright, this is your last turn.", Merry tells Pippin, "So go ahead and jump!" The youngest contestant takes his final dive off the platform and bounces back up. In his hand is a box full of Mopar Action magazines. "Good job, Pippin, but that wasn't on anyone's list.", says Merry the Host. "Hey!", says the author, appearing out of nowhere and running onto the stage, "Those are mine! I let my dad borrow them and they somehow magically disappeared in his house! He claims that he gave them back, but he didn't! Can I have them back please?" Merry tosses the box to her, and she runs away happily, muttering something about her precious little Neons and Vipers.
"Okay, that was random!", says Merry. "What a nut!", whispers Pippin, "Did you see her, she looked like a raving lunatic! Honestly, they let people like her write fiction?" "Quiet, Pip!", orders the host, "She might hear you!" Indeed she did, and is angered. Revenge is upon Pippin like chocolate frosting on a spoon! He is now standing there wearing nothing but a tutu, a sparkly tiara, and some oven mitts. There is makeup all over his face that looks like a three-year-old scribbled all over him with markers. In fact, that's what it was. And he has no other clothes, so he gets to look like this all through the show, yay!
"Well, that was unexpected!", Merry says, "Let's get a round of applause for Pippin! He did a great job, didn't he folks?" The audience cheers and Pippin, despite his embarrassment at his snazzy new ensemble, smiles as he takes his seat. "Okay," says Game Show Host Merry, "We have to go break for another commercial, but don't go away! Next Boromir sees what he can find in Gimli's beard!" The camera fades from the sounds of cheering and the look on Boromir's extremely excited grin.
The Cheesy Commercials Just Keep On Comin'!
The camera now shows a large can with a rather ugly warg on the label. Yet another Cheesy Announcer's Voice, this one female and sounding suspiciously like Carol Channing, asks, "Do you love your warg? If you do, you want him to have the very best! Feed him new liver flavored Kibbleshnitzel! It's so good, he'll think he's actually getting real liver pulled straight from a festering battlefield cadaver's innards! Our Kibbleshnitzel has twelve essential vitamins and minerals, just what your little growing warg needs to become big and strong so he can join an evil empire army that will bring all of Middle-Earth into a fiery reign of an evil eye that will cover the world in darkness! Mmm-mmm! Yummy!
"Wargs won't know it's not real liver! And now our Kibbleshnitzel is available in a special diet formula, for those overweight wargs! It has the same great liver taste of the original kind, with only half the calories! Kibbleshnitzel is a proud sponsor of the Cheesy Game Show, WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?!!! Feed your little angel new liver flavored Kibbleshnitzel and he'll love you so much, he won't roast your flaming carcass on a stick and feed your slimy brains to wild pelicans, we promise! Buy your special warg some Kibbleshnitzel today!"
Now the same business-like and professional voice from last time comes back to say very fast, "WARNING! Kibbleshnitzel and any other related products may not actually prevent wargs from roasting your flaming carcass on a stick and feeding your slimy brains to wild pelicans! But buy Kibbleshnitzel anyway!"
The commercial ends and the camera goes back to our favorite Cheesy Game Show set, where Boromir is beginning to get ready for his search through the scary, smelly hair that holds many strange and wonderful things!