Leland Hawkins was just listening to Beth finish explaining what Jim had revealed to her. No sooner had she finished then he sensed someone was nearby. He turned slightly and saw Jim his son standing there with a look of complete surprise and disbelief on his face. Leland turned around completely to face his son. For a time, neither of them spoke. Then, Jim walked a few steps closer. "Dad...is it you?" Leland nodded with a look of sad understanding in his eyes.
Jim couldn't believe that this was his father standing before him. His face was aged slightly from years under many different suns and climates; he had thick brown stubble that covered his strong, angular jaw; his hair was like Jim's except with no strands in front of his face and a few small white roots coming out his forehead. His eyes had a tired look to them although they hadn't lost their strong look.
"I've come a long way to see you, Jim. I...well, I've got a lot to say so," and he walked over to a fallen log and sat, "let me begin by saying this." Jim followed and stood but a few feet of distance between them; Beth move closer to Jim to hear as well.
Leland sighed heavily and paused to compose himself. "Sarah...has probably explained what life was like for us before...well...let me start from the beginning." He took another deep inhale and pressed on. "When I was only 19 years and your mother but 17, we both discovered each other and became good acquaintances. And before much time had passed, we blossomed into lovers. It was a wonderful courtship; we both had dreams of one another and being betrothed—even as young and...untried as we were. Thus, even though our parents did not see us as well-prepared or...well...we were still married with their blessing while still in our youth. And it was on our wedding night that you first came to be." Jim was starting to choke up from a constricted throat and pressing tears; Beth only listened as she began to see a side of Jim she'd never knew.
"When I first learned that...I was to be a father..." Leland ceased for a few moments as his troubled eyes seemed to glisten with regretful sadness. "I was so taken aback. See, even with my wonderful, patient and beautiful bride, I still hadn't found everything that I'd hoped for: I still longed for great adventures, unknown wonders and the wild, free and mysterious depths of the Etherium. I was not ready to become a father or provider or a man "saddled" with...undesired...responsibilities. I'd never had good opinions or feelings for children even in my younger days. I was so addicted to my dreams that I became very selfish; that selfishness slowly turned into...indifference to your mother—even you when you were born; it took all of Sarah's pleading and persuasion to even get me to hold you." At this Leland bowed his head and closed his rapidly-tearing eyes. Jim and Beth were faring no better although Jim was even more cut open within his ravaged soul.
With a heavy sniffling, Leland went on. "As you began to get bigger and brighter and happier, I still...only thought about myself—most of the time. Although, I do confess that there were some moments when I truly let myself see what good and innocence was in you, but...only for a moments. Even with a sufficient vocation and salary, an amazing wife and a-beautiful son whom I truly thought was so much better than me..." he paused to blink back more tears, "...I...didn't, no refused to...be thankful for what I had. I began to resent my life, my loyal spouse...and, my son. I never once believed that I could be happier if I'd just accept you and see the good in it. I chose to steel myself against you at any cost—which meant even...a part of my heart as well."
He looked up at Jim with something his son had never seen before in his eyes: pain. "Sarah told me that the day I left you both was the day...that you Jim...sigh...the day that you died." Jim nodded slowly as the images of that sorrowful day returned to him. It was too much for him to bear so he dropped his head and began to weep out loud. Beth was so touched with compassion for Jim's wounds that she strode over and held on to him tightly.
Leland shook his head as he continued to recall his cowardly past. "When I stepped aboard that ship and lost all sight of, of...home...I thought that I could now be free to do and go wherever I wished. And so I did: I set sail to nearly every single port or planet that I'd learned or heard of. I went and did as only I pleased with no little or no regard for anyone or anything else. Please understand—I was never a criminal or physically hurt someone: Sarah used to say that my indifference and coldness was a sharper and more damaging weapon than any other that I possessed. There were times when I could make and have friends but...for all my intents and purposes I...sigh...never found what I was looking for. Despite all the places I'd been, the things I'd seen and done...I was still unsatisfied...and lonely—even more so than I was, or thought I was, at home. I'd tried to escape what I thought was a mud hole, and instead, fell into a bog. I was only going deeper and deeper without any hope—no friends, no dreams or even any future."
Jim waited until his dad finished that sentence before speaking up. "But what made you change your mind? I mean, all these years of never coming back, never coming to see us or even writing a letter?? I thought you'd given up on us forever and never wanted to see us again!"
His father nodded slightly. "I'd totally immersed myself in self-indulgence that I rarely, if ever, gave a thought for your well-being. As far as I knew or felt, you and Sarah would both be better off without me. I only chose to believe that I wasn't the one for you or that I could be what you, Jim, wanted."
He sighed and leaned back as the now-painful memories burned his tender conscience. "That is, I used to believe and think that way...until, one night at some run-down tavern...I...sigh...I met this old cyborg."
At this, Jim's eyes went wide and he was all ears.
"He came up to me and asked me who I was. When I told him...I'll never forget the way he looked at or spoke to me. He introduced himself and said he knew all about me. He said that, he'd met you not so long ago on a voyage to find "the Loot of a Thousand Worlds".
"At that time, he and his band of fellow pirates had signed on as a cook and crew for the voyage—except that they planned to mutiny and get the treasure for themselves. The old spacer explained that when you two first met, he'd been taken back by your behavior and appearance. He saw a dark-spirited, sullen, unfriendly and very-passive young lad who seemed to hide himself in a black jacket." Leland waited a few seconds before bringing up more. "I wasn't so sure, at first, that the big cook was right about it being you; I said to him that the Jim Hawkins I remembered was a very happy-go-lucky, bright and optimistic young boy with great, big dreams." Leland let out a sigh as he hung his head again. "Well, the old salt just went on to explain what you'd told him—about me not being close or friendly or caring towards you, even...sigh...what I did so long ago." He paused to blink back tears and the pain of his bad past. "He knew then...that I was the reason for what you'd become. But since he was a pirate leader planning to mutiny and because you were the cabin boy under his authority—whom almost everyone had singled out as a troublemaker—he'd determined that you'd be given as much hard labor to keep you busy and out of anybody's way."
"I wasn't," Jim began to defend himself. "What's that?", Leland asked with one eyebrow raised. Jim sighed heavily before answering. "I wasn't friendly to anyone but I wasn't trying to bother anyone either. But, um...there was this ...one ugly arachnid who...well, hated me so much he..." "I know," Leland said and nodded, "he tried to actually kill you. The big lug told me that the blood-thirsty Mantavorian actually smashed your ribs and arm because you'd tried to play a joke on him one night." Leland took a moment to recall the conversation that had changed his course. "He also said that during the time you were in so much pain that you could barely speak, he saw right then and there what you truly were."
What was that?" Jim asked somewhat intrigued.
Leland made a sour face. "Just what my leaving turned you into: afraid, uncomforted, lonely, helpless, desperate and aching." Leland could see in Jim's pained expression that this was true. But he continued on. "But as he began to understand the depth of your loss and hurt, he also began to feel pity for you and sincerely wanted to help you any way he could. So, he said he started to get easier on you: striking up lighter and easier conversations with you, giving you bigger food portions, and less tasks teaching you how to be an excellent spacer and even letting you pilot a solar skiff through a comet. Heh, that adventure alone proved to him that you had more know-how and spirit than even he understood."
"He went on to mention how the Mantavorian who tried to kill you accused you of failing to secure the lifeline of the first mate who perished in supernova-turned-black hole. Only he and the spider knew the truth but he would not betray his own comrades. However, when he saw how you'd been deceived into believing that you were a hopeless failure, he refused to let you be thus."
"I'll never forget what he told me," Jim spoke up with tears in his eyes. "Had that old cyborg not said those words, I probably would have just given up myself forever that night." Leland understood although he did not say so verbally.
"And I'm glad that he did that for you," said his father nodding happily. "He admitted he'd gone soft on you—even after you learned of the mutiny, slashed his leg to escape, refused to surrender the treasure map and tried to keep him from Flint's Trove. So much, in fact, that he gave up his only and last chance for a heaping share of the stash just to save you from an imminent death. And from what I hear, you forgave his betrayal by letting him escape justice." Jim only nodded with sincerity in his eyes. "I got in trouble for it, but," Jim answered, "It was worth it." Beth could only listen and let her tears of compassion for these two men run down and free.
"And then," Leland began a little hesitantly, "The old pirate asked me what I'd intended by leaving behind my son and wife. I could only answer that I'd...sigh...still wanted far more than I'd ever found at home: I didn't want to be some "wet nurse" or "governor" to any young child." Although Jim had always believed this was how his father saw him, he was still taken back and his hopes were even more shredded.
"And I'll never forget the wrath that old spacer vented on me. 'Now see Here, Leland Hawkins', he said, 'I weren't even aware 'o the lad or what kind'o spirit he had 'til he was put in my charge. But I learned lot about him and what I know now tells me that the poor pup was more than worth being loved 'n looked after. Why, if you could'a seen him build a solar surfer outa broken wreckage and fly it cross a burning planet t'save a shipful ' lives, why...even you'd say yer son has great 'tings in him!!! I tell ya, matey, ya mita well as shot 'im ta death the day ye turned yer blooming back on him!! That boy deserved nutin' less'n a pap who'd take 'im on adventures and teach him how t'be strong and full'o spirit like any good man!'" Leland slowed to catch his breath before continuing.
"I told him I was glad of what he'd done for you and vica-versa. But I still didn't see myself as ever being a dad to you; at least, that's what I told him. And he looked me deep in the eyes with his metal and human ones and asked me: 'After all these years 'o trying t'find a better future without yer son, what else do ya see for yerself ? What dreams have ya still got'
I didn't answer for a long time; his question had brought me to a place I'd never wanted to go. I was so prideful in thinking I'd done the best for myself when I left. But...sigh...the truth was...I'd given up hope too of a bright future. You see, in my pride, I was still trying to find happiness and contentment—at almost any and all cost. And my searching had taken me on several supposedly grand ventures, but unfortunately...nothing I did, found or tried ever gave me what I wanted: security, fulfillment, joy or even a real friend or soul-mate. My life was very, very empty and lonely; I'd been so driven in my desires that I gradually turned into a very shallow, selfish, hardened and...sigh...hopeless man."
"I finally got the courage to say this to my visitor. And he suggested that maybe what I was looking for was everything I'd left behind so long ago. I still wasn't ready to think about or remember the past.
Anyway, he left after that but not before telling me to think about my actions and decisions; he also said to meet him every afternoon at that very table and tavern. And so I did, every single day we met and shared more of ourselves. I began to feel more comfortable speaking my true thoughts to him and he accepted what I had to say.
Finally one day, I came clean and confessed what was true: I was indeed tired of the life I was living: I wanted something deeper, full of heart and spirit...and life as well. I desperately wanted to share my life and heart with someone else again. Not only that, part of me still missed my family and regretted leaving them behind. And so, he suggested right then and there that we return to Montressor and start again where we'd both done wrong."
"And that's why you're here?", Jim asked accusingly. "You just came to just ask forgiveness of me? After 10 years of being gone, you just change your mind, come back to say you're sorry and think that everything's going to be okay again?" His face hardened into a glare as his father gazed up in sadness.
"Jim," Leland spoke up, "I don't expect you to forget my failure towards you and your mother. All I can say is I was very wrong to be so cowardly and stubborn. And I do regret with all of my heart that I was so. I don't expect you to forgive me at this time, but I can assure you of this: I'm not the same anymore. I don't want to leave or ignore you again, Son. I've put both Sarah and you in such despair and heartache that I could wish I wasn't alive. But, both your mother and Silver agree that I need to make peace with you and be a different man than I was so long ago." He paused to look back at his still-glaring son. "Jim....I...I'm...very...sorry!" And with that he bowed his head as his eyes began to water rapidly.
Jim slowly let down his expression and walked closer to stand right in front of his father. "I used to cry like that every night after you left. Mom used to say that you'd come back again soon.....but...." "I know, Jim," Leland sniffed as he brought himself under control, "I know. And I'm not...angry with you. You've been nothing but good since—" "Since up 'til I was left for myself with no father to teach me or show me what it takes to be a man!" Jim retorted unleashing his anger. "And just for your information, I don't need a father anymore! I've grown up and I've already learned everything I need to know about being a man, thank-you very much!!" Leland watched as Jim stormed off without even acknowledging Beth who stood shocked at Jim's reaction. She'd never imagined that he could be so hard to anyone. She turned back to Leland and asked, "Will you let me speak to him?" Leland nodded tiredly; he had said all he could for that moment so Bethany hurried after him.
She followed him until he stopped near the grass he'd been lying on. There he sat down and rested his head upon his arms. He noticed that Beth was standing close with a puzzled look on her face. He looked away before addressing her. "I'm sorry you had to hear that." "You mean," she began, "what he said about regretting that he left you and wanted to be your father again?" Jim didn't reply so she went on. "Well I am most utterly surprised at you, Jim Hawkins," she stated with an air of royal authority. "You promise me that you can bring me to my father and mother whom I never knew yet You yourself so choose to-to...turn away from—""Look in the first place, I didn't turn away from him—he left me and my mom, Okay!?!?" Jim snapped before realizing whom he was speaking to. Beth stood stunned by his outburst which made Jim cringe inside. "I'm sorry," he said humbly. "Then why don't you forgive Him?", Beth asked with her arm outstretched towards Leland. "You forgave an old pirate who was mean to you and betrayed you. What's keeping you from having back what you lost? How can you be such a coward?" She let the last word hang in the air as Jim looked up at her in surprise. He'd never imagined she could be so...forceful. He looked down and thought on her words. "Do you really think I'm a coward?", he asked. "Yes," she spoke with sincerity. "You may be cunning and intelligent enough to face a whole fleet of pirates yet you run from a chance to do something very beneficial for yourself." "What's that?" Jim asked sullenly. "You know what I speak of and you would do better to not be so bad. In a matter of sincere truth, I'd much prefer where I was as a servant than a boy who'd be so stubborn and callous as to refuse pardon to his repentant sire!" And with that she stormed off. Jim immediately got up and called to her but she kept on walking away and out of sight.
Jim slowly turned and looked back at his dad who still sat leaning forward on the log. He closed his eyes and shook his head. Then, with slow steps, he walked back towards his father.
Leland glanced up as Jim approached with his hands in his jacket pockets. H smiled slightly and stood up. "Dad," Jim began, "...do you, really think...I mean..." Jim stopped and looked his father straight in the eyes before succumbing to the tears once more. "I'm sorry," he gasped as his eyes closed and he leaned forward into his father's shoulder. There, he began to sob heavily without restraint as Leland enfolded his grown son in his arms. For a time that lasted for unknown lengths, they held onto each other as their weeping came only stronger with each moment. "I love you...Dad," Jim wailed from a long-infected soul being cleansed by antiseptic tears that were held back so long. "I love you too, Son" Leland responded sniffling. They gradually began to subside as Leland rubbed his hand over Jim's back. "I swear forever, Jim" proclaimed his dad, "I swear I'm never leaving you again. You're worth too much to me now. I love you so much. I know you're the one who rattles the stars...just as an old cyborg claimed." Jim finally slowed his sobs to a rhythmic hiccupping. He let go of his father and Leland held him at arms length. "You are truly a better and wiser man than I've ever imagined, Jim. And I'm proud of you." With that, they embraced for another long time.
Author's Note: I know, "What a loooooooooooongg chapter, when's it ever gonna end!!!!!!! Well, it just did, HEHEHEEE. BTW, Etherium's ANGEL, if you believe this chapter is not "real" enough concerning Jim & Leland's emotions, I'll send you a copy so you can edit it to your pleasure and desire. Couple more chapters 'n that'll about wrap it up, But BEWARE—they are gonna be really heavy I guarantee it!!!!