Author's Note: Hi there! Lil here! Since I got 2 reviews today for this story, I am happy to post the next chapter! Thanks to Ami-Lilli for cheerfully reviewing Chapter 4 and the Grammar Nazi for your great review of the last chapter! You guysmade me smile! You're right, why doesn't this story have more reviews? REVIEW, PEOPLE, OR SUFFER THE WRATH OF...THE CURSE OF CHRISTMAS FRUITCAKE!!! Muahahaha! Oh yeah, that's the title of my new Starsky and Hutch story, go read it, it's funny! I already got a review for it, yay! And go read my other 2 S&H stories too! Anywho, I hope you enjoy this chapter, as it is the next to last in the story. But fear not! The sequel is almost finished, and the first chapter of that will be posted after the last chapter of this. If you think this is funny, wait 'til you read the next one! It's hilarious, and extremely random! Now on with the story! And please review!
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a fruitcake which my roommate will not eat, a carton of eggnog that he tries to get me to drink, and some happy Scooby-Doo wrapping paper that I think is cute. Oh, and thanks to my little brother Josh for helping me think of some of the piggies. Enjoy!
WHAT'S IN GIMLI'S BEARD?
A Cheesy Game Show hosted by Meriadoc Brandybuck
Chapter 6
The camera now returns to our favorite Cheesy Game Show set, where Sam is putting on his safety wear. Smeagol is no longer trying to eat random things. He now sits happily at his seat, munching on some unhealthy-looking brown goo from a familiar can with an ugly warg on the label. Goaty is now sitting by Pippin and looking cute, no longer scared of being consumed by the scary creature. "Mmm!", says Smeagol, "The Cheesy Announcer Voice is right! New liver flavored Kibbleshnitzel is yummy!" "Yes.", says Merry, "Unfortunately, it doesn't help your halitosis!" He waves his hand in front of his nose as Smeagol looks at him questioningly. "What's haliwhatsits, precious?" "Never mind.", says the host, "Let's move on, shall we?"
"Okay, Sam, let's get you ready to go into the beard!", he says to the frightened hobbit. Merry climbs the ladder, with Sam nervously following behind him. "Alright, now for the blindfold, and the giant rubber band, there! You're all ready now!", Host Merry tells Sam, "Good luck!" Poor Sam is so scared, all he can do is stand there! He is too afraid to jump, so Merry decides to help him out with a little push! The hobbit goes flying off of the board faster than you can say 'liver flavored Kibbleshnitzel' five times! It is a tense moment as we wait for him to resurface. When he bounces back up he is holding a pretty blue spatula. "Hey, whadda ya know?", says Merry, "This is the spatula that Sam has been looking for! It disappeared a couple of weeks ago, last time we let Gimli do the dishes! Well, no points, but a good find, Sam!" The spatula is added to the pile of findings on the stage.
The hesitant hobbit goes to the edge of the diving board and takes a little hop, falling into the beard once more. This time he comes back up with a blond wig that looks suspiciously like Galadriel's hair. "Interesting, I thought he only got three of those!", Game Show Host Merry says, "Oh, well. Maybe he likes to play dress up!" Everyone looks at the sleeping beard strangely now, some things are best left unknown!
"No points for that one, either. Go on back in, Sam.", he says. Sam is not so afraid this time, and does a cannonball into the hair! He lands on the platform with a shoe in his hand. Not just any shoe, this is the left boot of a man from Gondor! "YAY!!!", says Boromir, limping up to claim the found footwear and put it back on, "Now I don't have to step on rocks and Aragorn with my bare foot anymore!" "You also get a point!", reminds Merry the Host, "You said we'd find your boot!" "YAY!!!" says the audience. 'Ping!' goes the scoreboard. "YAY!!!", says Boromir, "Take that, Aragorn! I now have my lost boot and two points! You have nothing except death threats from Eomer! Hahahahaha! Not feeling so kingy now, are you? Just because you-" "Calm down, man!", Merry stops his ramblings and gloatings, "It's just a point! Sit down so we can get on with the game already!" Boromir ceases his dance of joy and returns to his seat.
"You can go again now, Sam, the crazy man sat back down.", Merry says. Boromir does not hear this insult, as he is busy talking to himself about being the best Cheesy Game Show Contestant ever! Sam jumps back in and retrieves a rather chipped pink teacup with little white flowers on it, full of Earl Grey, Gandalf's favorite. "Oh, yeah!", Gandalf shouts, jumping up out of his chair and doing a scary dance that was more frightening than Boromir's. "Um, right.", says Merry to the wizard, "Yeah, a point for Gandalf. Congratulations. Yay. Okay, that's enough. You can stop any time now. STOP IT!!!" The elderly man finally desists his disco-mania imitation of John Travolta in 'Saturday Night Fever' and returns to his seat, still humming a happy tune. 'Ping!' goes the scoreboard. "YAY!!!" says the audience.
Merry tells the diver, "Alright, Sam, remember that this is your last turn. Go ahead." The cute little contestant goes in the horrendous hair one last time. This time, when he comes out, he has a strange black object. "Oh, I don't believe it!", says Cheesy Game Show Host Merry, "It's the author's long lost TV remote! It's been gone so long she thought her dog Pippin had eaten it! Amazing what you can find in this beard, eh?" He tosses it down to the stage where the author magically appears again just in time to catch it.
"Hey, thanks a bunch you guys!", she tells them, "I've been looking everywhere for this! Sorry I blamed you, Pippin!" Pippin the hobbit looks confused, and afraid of the author's magical powers, remembering the costume he is wearing, but Pippin the dog, who has magically appeared beside her, wags her tail and barks happily, then runs over to play with Goaty. "AWW!", says the audience. "If you find the batteries, give me a shout!", the author instructs the host. "Sure.", says Merry. The author leaves reluctantly, all of the hobbits and the goat are so darn cute! She wants to stay, and so does her puppy, but alas, she must return to her house to continue writing. Everyone says goodbye a second time, and the goat says "Maaaa!" to Pippin the dog.
"Super!", says Host Merry, "Now let's give a big round of applause for Sam!" The audience claps and Sam climbs down the ladder. He has taken off the gas mask, and we see he is blushing, Aww! "Great job, Sam! Now we're gonna leave for a short commercial break, but don't go away! When we get back it'll be Gandalf's turn to go into the gruesome and gross beard next!" The camera leaves his Cheesy Game Show Host smile and goes to the next, um, interesting commercial.
Oh, Will The Cheesy Commercials Never End?
A scary hobbit with a large cowboy hat and an equally large moustache appears on the screen now. Behind him is a large stable with many pigs. All of them have large yellow price tags hanging around their necks. "Yee Haw!", the hobbit screeches, "Howdy! I'm Muskrat Bob! This here is Muskrat Bob's Used Pig Lot! If ye'r lookin' fer good, reliable transportation and ye don't want a horsey 'cause ye'r too short t' ride one, then you've come to the right place! We got all kinds a piggies here at Muskrat Bob's! We got tall piggies, short piggies, mean piggies, nice piggies, smart piggies, not so smart piggies, slow piggies, fast piggies, brown piggies, white piggies, black piggies, green piggies, pinto piggies, racin' striped piggies, skinny piggies, fat piggies, pretty piggies, ugly piggies, nice-smellin' piggies, stinky piggies, visible piggies, invisible piggies, strong piggies, scrawny piggies, bearded piggies, bald piggies, vegetarian piggies, cannibalistic piggies, flyin' piggies, swimming' piggies, walkin' piggies, scaly piggies, fluffy piggies, feathery piggies, live piggies, stuffed piggies, brave piggies, paranoid piggies, sober piggies, drunken piggies, ground attackin' piggies, aerial assaultin' piggies, sane piggies, straight-jacketed piggies, heck, we got ev'ry kinda piggies there is! You bet yer bottom we do!
So if ye'r lookin' fer any kinda piggy, ye c'n find it here at Muskrat Bob's! If you can't find what ye'r lookin' fer here at Muskrat Bob's, that means we ain't got it here! Stop on by Muskrat Bob's Used Pig Lot today and see me, Muskrat Bob! We got everything a hobbit needs fer travelin' in style here, includin' our new convertible piggy! Come on down to our lot, located conveniently in Buckland! Just look fer the big billboard with my picture on it! Hot diggity dawg!"
The camera finally leaves the frightening and annoying hobbit's place of ownership, and returns to our favorite happy Cheesy Game Show set, where Gandalf is now getting geared up to go face the fearsome forest of facial fur!