Sorrow Mingled Tears

Massao na Mizu

M/N: (Massao's notes) Stretches and yawns Eh, sorry for that. I'm beginning to think that everything and everyone is against my fic-writing. TT First of all, I suddenly have a huge mental block. Then, my dad decides, "since you won't make original and you can't pass my HIGH standards in your grades, I've decided to ban you from using the internet until further notice!" And when I was FINALLY permitted to use the computer again, guess what? The modem broke down! Arrgh. Sorry for those rants. Pats readers head You know I love you all, ne? That you're all my confidants and you are all special to me, ne?

Also, guess what? I GRADUATED! Yes!!! Ü Well, Grade School that is…

There was a time that I went to the mall to use the cyber cafe and to check my mail and was glad to receive feedback from all my fics. (I am still astonished that people are still reading, I love you all. If I could, I would've given you a Kenshin doll. Or an Aoshi. Depends) and those of you whom have written me LONG reviews and constructive ones, I emailed you back, didn't I? and those whom reviewed one liners but left their email addresses, I've added you on my contacts so that you would be updated and you wouldn't hate me. Well, this is such a long note coz I missed you all!!! Notes must be proportioned to the size of the fic so I've given my best to make this long. Remember: Read and Review!

Oh yeah, I didn't refer to Kaoru's eyes as Cerulean since I usually do that for Kagome in Inu Yasha and they don't have the same hue. Cerulean is a lighter shade of blue. So I use Sapphire.

Open Up My Heart

Misao was, in her circumstances, very silent.

In fact, it made Aoshi worry that something was wrong with her. Maybe something was bothering her? What could it possibly be??? Or maybe she was still tired from her train trip? Misao is used to train trips. Besides, it's impossible to be tired sitting there inside the train and walking towards the small restaurant inside. Then what could it be?

Did he say something that upset her? What could he have said? Perhaps...

His eyebrows momentarily raised and went down again as he thought of the most probable reason for her to be upset. Aoshi looked at her from the corners of his eyes.

Kaoru.

Misao was obviously jealous that Kaoru is using her usual quarters, the quarters she uses whenever she paid a visit to him.

Aoshi decided not to pay Misao's actions heed. He had told her that Kaoru was a guest. There was no reason for her to be jealous or offended. In fact, Aoshi was a bit irritated. He had informed her that Kaoru was a guest. There was no need for her to be sulking.

A guest that does household chores and cooks for you

It was by her decision! Aoshi thought to himself, balling his fists. It was her way of paying him her depth of gratitude. He never asked for her to do anything.

And yet, you still let her.

It is Kaoru's choice if she will stop or not. Besides, she will surely die of boredom if she doesn't do anything. In fact, this is also one of the things he's doing for her. Keeping her company by letting her do things that are beneficial and not a waste of precious time. It is actually convenient for both of them.

Yes, yes. Keep telling yourself that and you might even believe it yourself.

Aoshi decided to think of something else. Looking to his right, Misao was gone. To his left, she was nowhere to be found. He sighed. How typical of Misao to vanish when he least expected her to.


"Maa! Such pretty necklaces!" Misao held it up to let it catch some light of the sun. The owner nodded her head and smiled.

"Sapphire necklaces are pretty popular this year," she said in a benevolent voice. "They sell a lot." Misao smiled, holding it in her neck to see if it looked nice on her. The sapphire beads shimmered--for Misao it was breathtaking. But her eyes clouded when she realized it didn't look good at her after all.

She tried to smile, placing it back on its stand. The saleslady frowned in confusion. She was so close in selling another one! But something held this customer back. "What's the matter?" Misao shook her head.

"It doesn't look good on me," she said lamely, admiring it, still. The saleslady's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"Why do you say that?" She asked in pure curiosity. It actually matched well with the young customer's blue fuku and shorts. Her black hair and eyes blended with it surprisingly. She didn't understand.

"The stones are too big for my neck. It is also too long. Perhaps I'm not old enough to have such a necklace yet." She shrugged. She was, after all, merely sixteen. Her body was not yet well developed and she had very few curves.

Yes, it would not be nice on her, after all...

She bowed low to the saleslady. "Thank you very much. Maybe someday I'll return here and buy one. I'm just not yet ready, both physically and mentally. Also financially," she gave an embarrassed laughed and briskly walked away so that the woman wouldn't see her cheeks that had turned bright red from embarrassment.

Misao suddenly remembered that she had left her beloved Aoshi-sama while sulking. But now she was in better mood and decided to forgive her Aoshi-sama. Probably Kaoru really IS only a guest. That she isn't even as pretty as she is and that she's chubby. Maybe Aoshi-sama is only keeping her as a household keeper and cooks for him.

Yes, that's it! She nodded vigorously. Now, she wouldn't have to worry trying to please him by cooking. It was NOT her field of specialty. Actually, her field was far from it.

A pat on her head snapped her out of her reverie. She shook it away and gazed directly into cobalt blue eyes so cold and showed a bit of annoyance that it both startled and frightened her.

"Er, hello Aoshi-sama," she said pathetically. There was a sweat drop expressing her embarrassment of being caught-in-the-act. He raised a brow. "Uhm... I was uh," she pointed to her back where the store was. "I was being a girl," she said finally.

Aoshi didn't reply. Instead, he turned her back on her and continued walking, expecting her to follow her. Misao sighed and did so, but not without grumbling about 'snobby men'.

He turned to see Misao stumbling on her step, sulking. "Come now," he urged her quietly. She suddenly flashed a brilliant smile and jogged to keep up with his long strides.

Her thoughts suddenly flew to the girl Aoshi was keeping. Why was he keeping her, anyways? Was it for the free labor? It was unlike her Aoshi-sama to ever do things like that. Probably the girl was really handicapped that it would be such a bad thing to let her roam the streets on her own. She looked at the face of Aoshi, trying to find or see any trace of emotion. There was none.

"Aoshi-sama, may I ask you a question?" He said nothing, a silent permission that yes; she could ask anything she would want to. Except about his job, that is. "When this Kaoru girl came to you, was she already blind?" He didn't say anything for a long while.

Misao had given up waiting, thinking that he would not utter a word to her. But he did. "No, I helped her from gangsters wanting to steal her dignity." It was like Aoshi to be humble, not wanting to boast that fact that he had saved the life of the nineteen-year-old girl. Misao nodded her head, thinking it over for a moment before asking a follow-up question.

"So did she say anything about her past?" She knew her Aoshi-sama would never ask, but distraught women usually say things that they wouldn't regularly say if they were not distraught. He shook his head, signaling it was the end of the discussion. Finally, they hailed for a carriage to take them to Aoshi's place.

Misao looked at the fields from the carriage window. It was not every time that a stranger she has never seen interested her. In fact, it has never happened before. But she found herself drawn into the mystery enveloping this Kaoru-person.

Who was she? Where did she come from?

What could she possibly bring for her and Aoshi?


Kaoru has been waiting for a long while now. She had been thinking of re-heating the food for it had been minutes when cooked them. It was unlike her Aoshi-sama to be late for meals—never. Even if he were in the other end of the world, he would surely arrive at the designated time he said he would.

In short, he is a man of his word.

'But where could he be? Was it possible he encountered some difficulties in the way? Was he alright?' Kaoru could not help but feel worried for the man, who extended his home to her, gave her food to eat and entrusted her with money, cooking and his house. It was something she has never felt before.

Sounds from the outside jolted her to reality and she blinked. A female's voice talking quite loudly light and heavy footsteps on the ground—for sure it was Aoshi-sama and his charge.

She had learned to familiarize of Him. Whether it be his voice, his smell, his little actions or movements that confusingly caught her breath. Though she would never admit it to him, but she adored him.

The wooden screen was slide open and the voices emerged, following inside of the house. Kaoru could hear slippers put to the side as they entered the house where she was waiting, her legs folded beneath her thighs to greet them welcome.

"Really Aoshi-sama!" The female's voice said, persuading. "It's okay!"

"If you call standing near the edge of a cliff, awaiting to be swept by the strong blow of the wind to die, then yes, it's okay to fail your exams," he said, annoyed. Kaoru has never heard him use this tone of voice before. But as he said quite sarcastically, it was not okay to fail exams.

"How many times do I have to tell you? That—oh," she interrupted herself, stopping to spot her, Kaoru. She bowed, feeling their eyes upon her.

"Welcome home, Aoshi-sama and Makimachi-san," she greeted politely.

Misao looked at Aoshi questioningly but he said nothing in response and went directly into the dining room, sliding the shoji screen to the side, the fragrance of the food wafting to their noses. Misao's stomach growled embarrassingly loud and she blushed, sitting and laughing to cover up.

Kaoru stood behind them, closing the door when they have finally seated themselves. She had memorized every inch of the place, not needing to grope the walls or floor.

"I hope you find what I have prepared to your liking," she said graciously, bowing. Misao and Kaoru waited for Aoshi to say, 'Itadakimasu.'

Since Aoshi was the head of the household, no one was supposed to eat anything before he said these words and picked up his chopsticks. He raised his chopsticks and rice bowl and murmured, "Itadakimasu."

Kaoru and Misao did the same thing, lifting their rice bowls and chopsticks, began to eat. With the guidance from Aoshi, Kaoru was able to eat, knowing where the food was placed. Misao observed her.

"Kaoru-chan," she addressed her. "Is it hard to be blind?" Aoshi looked at Misao, glaring. The answer was obvious.

Kaoru stopped to think ponder the question before answering. "Well, it depends on what you are doing… Like preparing the food, cooking. I usually ask help from Yahiko-kun or Aoshi-sama to help me out… But my other senses have improved so these senses help me get on with life… I have not been blind all my life."

"What? Oh, I remember--" before she could say that her Aoshi-sama informed her earlier, Aoshi glared at her warningly and she closed her mouth, looking discomforted.

Kaoru understood what Misao was trying to say and smiled. There was no worry about answering it truthfully. Kaoru nodded, "Yes," she said. Misao and Aoshi shared looks.

Commoners and Aristocrats used the normal pronunciation of yes as "hae" while the Gion pronunciation the dialect used by Geishas was pronounce and said as, "hei" which is how Kaoru pronounced it.

It meant only one thing: Kaoru was trained in the arts of Geisha or Geiko. Misao couldn't help it. She had to ask.

"So you're a Geisha?" She blurted out before Aoshi could stop her. But Aoshi continued eating as if nothing had happened. He was curious too, it seemed.

Kaoru nodded calmly. It did not bother her to say the truth. "Yes, Makimachi-san I--" Misao cut in.

"Call me Misao,"

"I was trained as a geiko but not to be one," from the silence, it was evident Misao didn't understand. "When you are trained for something, it does not necessarily mean you'll be doing it for your whole life or using it as a profession… It's like cooking… you learn how to cook, but you're not a chef. Same with me… I was going to be a--" she interrupted herself, bowing her head low and continued eating.

"Misao," Aoshi said.

"Hae, Aoshi-sama?"

"Stop pressing on matters that are not needed to be discussed," he ordered. She nodded her head absently; thinking of what Kaoru was about to say. Unable to find out, she silently ate.

"I'm sorry Misao, it's my fault… I should have said that I didn't want to discuss it," Kaoru bowed lowly, excusing herself to clean up her used plates and waited in the kitchen for them to finish.

"How odd," Misao murmured to herself. She faced Aoshi. "Isn't it that there are only two options for you to pick when you train to be a geiko? Either you become a maiko or a mistress…"

"Didn't I tell you to stop?" Aoshi reprimanded her. Aoshi didn't speak again. Instead, he rose from his pace on the floor and took his used eating utensils and went inside the kitchen to help Kaoru.


He oddly felt the need to protect her; to shelter her. 'Her' being Kamiya Kaoru. He placed his utensils by the sink. Kaoru was already drying hers.

"Hello, Aoshi-sama," she greeted politely. He didn't reply. Instead, turned on the other faucet and started cleaning his share. She was hesitant to let him wash. "I'll do it, Aoshi-sama. This is my means of gratitude."

To hell with gratitude, he didn't care. "Don't mind Misao. She's inquisitive, that's all," he told her. She smiled, albeit not looking at anything in particular. Not that she could.

"It's okay, Aoshi-sama… It's weird for a woman like me to be spotted somewhere, unknown and could not even pinpoint where she lives…" she trailed off. "You see my father was killed by Battousai. Surely you know this character?" she asked him. Of course he knew. Everybody knew him. "When my father died, I was sold to my father's murderer to be his mistress… it was fortunate for me to escape. But I know I can't evade him forever,"

Kaoru said nothing more. Aoshi wasn't going to ask more than he was given information of. "I hope my eyes heal soon so I wouldn't be a burden anymore… He would surely be looking for me. I apologize for my inconvenience."

This was nice. He need not search for him anymore. Kaoru wasn't a burden as she thinks she is, he thought to himself. Then, he did something that surprised him and Kaoru entirely. He pulled her to him in an embrace; his face buried in her hair. "You're not a burden," he whispered.

"Aoshi-sama?" she uttered through half-closed lids. She was confused, and tired. She just wanted… wanted to withdraw.

"Are you always this polite?" Aoshi asked her.

"Well, I was trained to be this way…"

"From now on I'd like you to act the way you want to. Be yourself." he commanded. She blushed, head lowered.

"Well… I'm not exactly the most agreeable woman in the world," she said. Agreeable was an understatement to the true hardheaded, stubborn, funny Kaoru Kamiya everyone once knew. But the events, the experiences she had to go through have changed her. Changed her a good deal that she had a hard time looking at herself in the mirror without being repulsed that she let this happen.

Kaoru was afraid she has lost her true identity in the midst of all the changes, the hidden emotions buried deep within her.

"Be yourself," he said again. That was the end of that. It was made clear from the tone of voice he used.

She nodded her head. Tomorrow will be another day.


Aoshi slid the shoji screens open, waking Kaoru up at the noise. She looked up at him. Surprisingly, she can see! Yes! She can see! But there was a shadow, darkness that hid the face of her savior from view. But she could see parts of his body as he came closer. His hands, his torso, his shoulders…

"Yes, Aoshi-sama?" she found herself asking in confusion. It was probably midnight, what was he doing in her room?

Aoshi did not respond. Instead, he came closer until he was half-kneeling and with one of his callused hands, caressed Kaoru's face gently. It confused Kaoru greatly, but the warmth that his large hand emitted sparked something in her she wasn't accustomed to feeling. She had no clue what it was… but whatever it is, it comforted her greatly. She looked up at the man, but his eyes were still covered by the shadow of his long bangs.

His nose was upturned in an aristocratic way, but it was just perfectly so. His lips, slightly rosy surprised her that she couldn't help herself to bring up her hand and stroke it with her thumb.

With another callused hand, Aoshi enclosed it with his, bringing her palm to his lips and kissing it gently, again and again. By this time, Kaoru had a warm feeling inside her, like caged passion, swirling inside her, knocking for release.

She found herself breathing heavily and hot with wanton need that she cupped his cheeks on her small hands, panting. He pulled her closer by the shoulders, gripping them with large hands until they were breathing the same breath. It was like air kissing.

Kaoru bit her lower lip, and then subconsciously licked it. Aoshi can't take it any longer and kissed her, crushing her lips with his passionately. Kaoru felt herself melt completely to him, encircling his neck with her arms, pulling him ever so closer and running her fingers through his soft, silky raven locks.

Something snapped and in an instant, Kaoru's hair was loose and Aoshi had them in his fists, he let go with a hand and cupped her chin to slant her head and bit and continued kissing her. She opened her mouth to gasp and felt Aoshi's warm, wet tongue slide in effortlessly and it was flipping…

Kaoru awoke, drenched in her own sweat and panting. Her world felt darker than before. But is was tinged by a bright color she couldn't see clearly. Was it orange? Blue? Pink?

Was this a sign that her eyesight was slowly coming back?

She didn't understand any of this… this dream. Or stirrings… But… in her dream, she saw a glimpse of Aoshi-sama. She tried to hold onto it, but as quickly as it found its way inside her mind, it disappeared, leaving her disappointed, a heavy feeling inside her chest that she could not place.

Was she really lusting for the person who has given her shelter? She blushed, her cheeks feeling hotter than it already was. She can't think of these things! No, she just possibly can't!

She made a guttural sound of annoyance and frustration and covered herself once more with her blanket and tried to sleep once again.


Be yourself…

How can she do that again? Kaoru had forgotten. But there was nothing to be disagreeable about—nothing that would need her to be defiant. She liked being like this. It pleased her to be so. There were instances that she had acted the way she had before. Like when she first met Yahiko, he was a troublesome, rude boy that annoyed her very much. After a bit of scolding from both sides, they had become great companions to each other.

"How am I going to act?" she pondered out loud. She rested her chin on her fist, sitting on the veranda.

"Act for what?" Misao asked from nowhere, snapping Kaoru out of her trance. "Good morning Kaoru," she greeted her as an afterthought.

"Good morning Misao-san," Kaoru greeted back. "Have you eaten breakfast?"

"Yup. Act for what?" she pressed on. Kaoru blinked.

"Ah, uh, nothing," Kaoru lied. Misao rolled her eyes, and then narrowed suspiciously. 'First time to act like myself—lie badly.'

"Tell me," she said more of an order than a request.

"Well… Aoshi-sama said that I should be myself… but as you do know… I've been trained to be like this… I've almost forgotten being who I was back then…" Kaoru confided. "They say I was lively, but how can I do that? I don't know how to act like myself, which I find strange. Also, a lot of habits I have and the things that have been taught to me are a part of me…"

Misao looked thoughtful, smiling brightly at Kaoru who 'looked' at her blankly. 'Of course,' Misao thought, slapping herself, 'she can't see!'

"Well, look at it this way, Kaoru," she blushed in embarrassment from the word she used.

Kaoru waved it off. "I'm not offended. Please continue," she said.

"Don't think of it as acting… think of it as… a personality change," Misao told her. Kaoru had a confused expression on her beautiful face. "You know. You don't have to act. Acting is well, playing another role—and a role means somebody else. Don't be somebody else… be yourself."

She had trouble understanding it, but came to the conclusion that she should at least try for Aoshi-sama. "Thank you, Misao-san--"

"Misao. Just plain Misao," Misao cut her off.

"Thank you, Misao," she said, bowing her head and hurrying to get her purse and go to the market.

"No problem. Where're you going?" she called out.

"To the market," Kaoru answered, unsure if she should invite her to tag along. She heard hurried footsteps and Misao was suddenly in front of her.

"Can I join you, Kaoru? I haven't been there for a long time!" she exclaimed in childlike-exuberance. Kaoru smiled, nodding her head.

"But can you please ask permission first in Aoshi-sama? He might not be pleased if I take you with me without his consent," Kaoru told her. Misao huffed in response.

"Wait here," she said hastily, running towards Aoshi. Kaoru could hear the shuffling as Misao opened the shoji screens quickly and asked for permission. Actually, she just shouted, 'I'm off to the market!' to Aoshi. She beamed at Kaoru who did not look in her direction, but still smiled benevolently. It will be hard to get used to her being blind. A very pretty girl with unusual sapphire blue eyes… such a tragedy that they can no longer see.

"Ready!" Misao said, trying her best to slow down in the benefit of Kaoru and also for her: she wanted to see how Kaoru walked femininely so she could learn.

Kaoru laughed—a laugh that wasn't very feminine, but still pleasant. Misao thought it weird, but then again, Kaoru had been asking her how to act normally. She shrugged it off.

"You don't have to wait for me, Misao. You can go ahead," she informed her. Misao sweat dropped.

"Er, to tell you the truth, I'm not very familiar with the places, so I might get lost…" she grinned sheepishly, trying hard to learn Kaoru's way of walking and tumbling over instead.

"Are you alright, Misao?" Kaoru asked worriedly, having heard the sound of her 'accident.' Misao blushed.

"Yup!" she said, laughing off the embarrassment. She peered at Kaoru and frowned at herself. She won't have trouble hiding her embarrassment and her burning face since she couldn't see.

"Oi! Kaoru-chan!" a young voice said. A young man (if you could call him that) was running to them, waving his arms wildly that he looks like a duck trying desperately to flap its wings.

"Oh Yahiko, hi there!" Kaoru said cheerfully. Yahiko looked confused but shrugged it off.

"Hello, Kaoru-chan! You sure don't act the way you usually do," Yahiko noted, almost to himself than Kaoru.

"I'm trying to act like myself," she replied truthfully. "What I was before I was trained…" She smiled again—something that had become a part of her—a habit she can claim as her own.

Realizing the rudeness she had shown, Kaoru bowed her head in apology. "Forgive my delay of introduction. Yahiko, this is Misao, Aoshi-sama's charge," using her keen sense of hearing, she easily pointed out the people. They nodded to each other and stood at either side of Kaoru.

"So Kaoru-chan, what are you going to buy today?" The grocery usually lasts for a week, depending if Aoshi dines with her or the quantity of the food she buys.

"I'm not really sure, Misao," she said with doubt. She also didn't know what to prepare but maybe something simple would do.

"I'm not really sure, Misao," she was still trying her name out on her tongue. It still felt foreign and somehow, she knew that Misao did not only regard her as a friend…

But also as competition.

Kaoru felt confused. Competition for what? Or for whom? It struck her that Misao was so attached to Aoshi-sama that she probably misinterpreted Kaoru's disposition in Aoshi's life was threatening.

For a while, she felt out of place, but then, she could be wrong. And why not prove to Misao that her intentions were not what she thought it were?

With that in thought, she smiled at the girl and asked, "Would you like some sushi tonight?"

Bibliography:

The information from which the Japanese cultures done in the fic like saying "Itadakimasu before eating" where taken from Geisha, A life by Mineko Iwasaki and Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden based on the life of Nitta Sayuri. You know, even when I read it again and again, I don't tire of it. Now that is a great novel!

Gion Kobu from what I know and understand is a place in Kyoto where there are 150 Okiya lodging house—where a geisha lives in this period of time.

Translations:

I've put some on the way but I just want to clarify: The right spelling of "Yes" in Japanese is "Hae" a lot of you may not know this and I only knew this information from Geisha, A Life.

Geisha means "artist" so no, they are not prostitutes.

--but they use the more specific term that is "Geiko" or woman of art

Maiko means "woman of dance".

Stirring-this has another definition on the great book by Lois Lowry, The Giver. It means er… I forgot the scientific word for it… blushes passionate dreams.

Massao: the kissing scene disturbed me a LOT. Sorry, I'm not used to, er, describing it. Hahaha. too young too young! Hahaha! I can't help but laugh at myself, but the interaction was needed to show that they have romantic feelings for each other.