Disclaimer: I don't own Slayers or Utena. Only a warped sense of humor!
Author's Note: Let's keep these definitions really general and simple
Bokken- a wooden sword used for practice (I think they appear in almost any Tenchi fic known to man!)
Genki- energetic (read it as follows: perky enough to make you bleed from the eyes.)
I figure there may only be about 4 people on earth who are both Utena and Slayers fans, but there's still really funny parody in here for those who don't know the Utena series. Let's face it, when Amelia stated that she wanted to be a hero who rescues princesses in the first episode of NEXT the wheel was set in motion for someone to eventually do this! ;) If you don't like Amelia, this might be like a slow root canal, since she is the main character. I do have ideas for more of this story, if people enjoy it. There are a couple of Utena episodes I absolutely CAN'T walk away from doing in future chapters. Sick and Evil humor awaits!
Once upon a time, many years ago, there was a little princess, and she was very sad. For her mother and father had died. Before the princess appeared a traveling prince on a white horse. He had a regal bearing and a kind smile, not to mention an outrageous spiky hairdo. The prince wrapped the princess in a rose-scented embrace, and gently wiped the tears from her eyes. "Little one," he said, "growing up alone in such deep sorrow, never lose that strength or nobility even when you are a young lady. Hold a love of justice in your heart and never cease reaching for it." He slipped a large rose crested ring upon her tiny finger, and she smiled brightly at him. The ring slid around her petite finger loosely and fell off three times before she finally gave up and put it into her pocket until the day that it would fit. "I give you this to remember me. This ring will lead you to me one day." Perhaps the ring the prince gave her was an engagement ring. This was all well and good, but so impressed by him was she that she vowed to become a prince herself one day. But was that really such a good idea?
A genki girl with large cat-shaped blue eyes and jaw-length greenish hair that hung with two corkscrews framing her face stood on a bridge, with a hand above her eyes as she searched desperately for someone in the crowd of students. "Where is he? He's late! I'm going to start the new term by being late! Oh the shame that will bring to a daughter of Zoamelgustar!" she muttered under her breath. Around her the other students babbled about mixed odds and ends as they raced to class.
Some girls from her own class stopped suddenly, and turned to her. "Martina, you're going to be late! Who are you waiting for anyhow?" one asked, as she gave the girl nearest her a knowing elbow in the ribs.
"I'm waiting for my boyfriend!" Martina declared triumphantly, placing her hands on her hips and laughing maniacally.
The girl who had spoken sweat-dropped. "Your boyfriend?" the girl replied. "Well, I think SHE ditched you. She left the dorm really early this morning." The girl didn't have time to say anything more, before she stopped in terror as Martina's features contorted with rage.
"Argh! How dare she!" Martina bellowed as she ran off down the overpass. "She tricked me and broke my poor heart! I'm going to curse her, O monstrous Zoamelgustar! I'll make her sorry!"
Meanwhile Amelia must have departed early in order to take the longest route through the campus, because after many views of rose crests, a "mysterious" dueling arena, and a tall rather phallic tower covered with roses, she finally entered the main building. The students around her all stopped to stare at the petite raven haired girl, and seemed mesmerized by both her sparking sapphire eyes and by the way that her boys uniform showed off her unusually large hooters. Amelia didn't wear it for that reason however, and she was greatly shocked when one of her teachers blocked the hallway to confront her about her choice of clothes.
Reika the fighting leopardess, … I mean Reika the ancient and cantankerous teacher… planted herself directly in the path of the carefree young lady. "Miss…" she paused as though she'd forgotten what she was about to say, " …Miss Amelia Wil Tesla Seyruun!" Reika paused again for at least a minute then continued with, "Are you… really going to… um… wear that weird getup this semester too?"
"Weird getup?" Amelia wondered aloud, as she looked around her at the boys in the hall and lining the balconies above. "But this uniform's good enough for all the boys at this school," she replied with a shrug and a small grin.
"Ummmm…." Reika began, before lapsing into another painful silence. Suddenly her eyes lit up, "But you are a girl!" she shouted valiantly and waved her pointer around as she struck her heroic poses. A group of strange men dressed in bed sheets trotted down the hallway behind her and produced a special effect to punctuate her speech. Reika coughed feebly as the pink smoke wafted through the hallway occluding most of the view.
Amelia calmly fished the Student Handbook: Claire Bible Edition out of her pocket and flipped through it. She didn't look up to appreciate the courageous pose, which Reika was maintaining for effect. "Nope. There's nothing in here that says a girl can't wear a boys' uniform," Amelia said chipperly. "So it must be alright then! Once again, justice is on my side!" Amelia posed dramatically herself, greatly upstaging Reika, and then she departed with a little wink.
Amelia spent the entire morning in a wonderful mood, and even set about fixing the unjust stereotypes about women playing sports by single-handedly beating the entire men's basketball team. As the dejected boys went off to assuage their hormones in the boy's locker room, Amelia was surrounded by a throng of hero-worshipping girls offering to let her use their towels. She thought it was a little strange at first, but then realized that the light of justice in her heart must surely have moved those her around her.
She was just buttoning up her jacket when one of the beaten ballplayers found her in the hallway and tried to convince her to join his basketball team so they could win regionals. Amelia politely declined and after his persistence reminded him that she was a girl and had no interest in getting covered in smelly boys' sweat.
"Oh, so you're a dyke then?" growled the disgruntled teen. "Maybe you'd rather get covered in girls' sweat! And then use their towels! I bet you just wear that uniform because of a strange Freudian dysfunction!" The guy suddenly got a wistful faraway look in his eyes, as he imagined Amelia surrounded by a mob of sweaty, blushing girls wearing nothing but towels.
"Vis Fan Rank!" Amelia squealed just before she decked the little pervert. "No! What is wrong with you stupid guys anyhow? I wear it to be a prince! I want to be a noble prince, who saves princesses!" She stalked away, but took solace in her justice-rendering punch to his jaw. She wouldn't let anything ruin her day! This was simply another chance to bring righteousness to the world. The idea that all women who were good at sports and enjoyed cross-dressing were lesbians was simply another unjust stereotype that she in all fairness must smash. She rushed back and gave the unconscious boy several kicks to the stomach before departing for real.
She was suddenly overcome by the scent of roses as she passed by the school's greenhouse, and she stopped to contemplate the rose crest, which adorned her middle finger. "Hmm… that's so pretty…" she sighed. "But why does the scent of roses always make me think of the past?" she wondered out loud.
Amelia was startled from her reverie by the sound of a man's voice. She looked up to see the quiet, lavender haired chimera, who tended the greenhouse, looking dejectedly at the ground while a man with wavy black hair, which shone blue in the highlights, and a strangely perched brown hat ranted endlessly. "Hmm… what do we have here," Amelia asked herself. "This doesn't look good." She started to turn away, writing it off to a lover's quarrel. She wished they'd do that in private, so she wouldn't feel like she was eavesdropping. Then suddenly the man raised his hand and struck the chimera across the face and the air was torn by a loud and pitiful scream. Amelia prepared to launch herself from the window to come to the chimera's aid, as the man with the wavy hair cursed lividly and cradled his broken hand.
The chimera meanwhile just adjusted his short schoolgirl skirt and groaned, "What an idiot. And aren't there any fanfic writers out there who don't get their jollies by casting me in ridiculous and humiliating roles?" He watched calmly as the man reared his hand back for another slap. "Are you sure you want to try that?" he asked. "I'm pretty sure I heard lots of bones snapping that last time," he added in an empty tone.
Amelia's eyes widened, and she prepared to make her leap as the man's hand began its descent again. It never reached it's target however, as a cheerful looking young man with long purple hair and closed eyes grabbed the first man's wrist and spun him away from the chimera.
Amelia let out a sigh of relief and wondered exactly what was going on here. Her thoughts didn't get very damned far though as a giggling weight suddenly ploughed into her and attached itself to her back, nearly knocking her out of the window which she'd been eavesdropping from.
"Amelia! Amelia! Amelia, my beloved!" Martina squealed gleefully. She hugged her best friend (and favorite other clumsy princess) tightly.
"Martina, you're heavy." Amelia complained in a drained whisper as she tried not to sink to the floor.
"This is for ditching me this morning, so deal with it!" Martina declared. "The monstrous Zoamelgustar led me to you so that I could exact my revenge!" she hollered, before adding in a smaller voice. "And then maybe we can go to lunch together." From the corner of her eye Martina spied the scene that Amelia had been so closely following. "Ooooh! It's Zangulus!" Martina's eyes formed large hearts and naked cherubs carrying small Zoamelgustar pendants fluttered about behind her. "Don't you know about Zangulus, Amelia?"
"Zangulus, huh?" Amelia grinned. "Nope not a thing. I know who the guy in front of him is. That's Xellos Metallium, mysterious Student Council President."
"Yep, and the dreamy one with the hat is Zangulus the Vice President and Captain of the School's Kendo team."
"Who's the girl?" Amelia asked earnestly. "Is she his girlfriend or something?" In her mind she'd already begun to form conclusions about future chances to defend the strange chimera, as a true Ally of Justice should.
"As if!" Martina snorted. "That's Zelgadis Greywers! She just mostly keeps to herself and takes care of the roses. I have her in one of my classes and she's really weird. Zangulus would never go for a morose girl like that! He's the type of man who must be meant only for a loyal daughter of Zoamelgustar! Isn't that right Lord Zoamelgustar? Why yes, exactly right, Martina! They're just both on the student council together!" Martina seemed entirely unfazed by her sudden interlude of schizophrenia, and a large drop of sweat formed at the back of Amelia's head.
Amelia suddenly perked up, and asked slyly. "So I take it Zangulus is the type you go for, huh?" She hoped privately that Martina would loosen her grip, under the teasing. Amelia's air was cut off by the deathgrip, which Martina had around her neck, and the justice-loving heroine was slowly beginning to turn blue.
"Huh?" Martina responded in shock. Her eyes grew huge and a blush covered her face. Then she remembered her sworn revenge against Amelia for ditching her, and a smile crept over her cat-like features. "Why, Amelia! Are you jealous? Don't worry! You're my one true love. No guy's as cool as you are!"
Amelia wondered suddenly if there was a nearby hole she could crawl into. No wonder she was being accused of lesbianism! Damn it! Wasn't there anyone in the cast of Slayers that Martina hadn't had a crush on!
While Zangulus was busy getting chewed out by Xellos, a pacifist with a strange obsession for stopwatches, and an extremely violent girl with wavy orange hair--Amelia and Martina had lunch together. Amelia was just going into her seventeenth rendition of the story about her prince, when Martina interrupted with a story of her own.
"Yeah, I used to believe my father when he told me I was a beautiful princess from the Sausage Kingdom…" Martina confessed out of nowhere.
"Umm…" Amelia stuttered. "Well, it does look like you have green sausages hanging from either side of your head, so I guess it was an honest mistake." Amelia conceded diplomatically.
Martina stopped to look at her grinder (that's a hot sub sandwich for the handful of people who don't know!) and wrinkled her nose. Her face began to match the color of her hair, and she made a rather distressing gurgling cough. "Ugh… Amelia, I think that image just ruined my appetite," she choked out and went off to find a spot to unburden her revolted stomach.
"The idea that green sausages are bad is an unjust stereotype!" Amelia called after her in way of comfort. "They're perfectly normal both on St. Patrick's Day and in Dr. Seuss books… or was that ham I'm thinking of?" her voice trailed off, as she was lost in thought.
Not long after, as two would-be lovebirds were finding Martina's special gift to them behind the bushes, Martina and Amelia noticed a mass of leering boys gathered around the school bulletin board. Somebody had tacked up a very personal love letter for all to see, and the boys were reading it aloud to much laughter and catcalling. "Ohhh… tell me am I wrong, my sweet Zangulus? I adore your amazing fashion sense and your cool nihilistic attitude. Each night I dance with you in my dreams--but only with the permission of Lord Zoamelgustar, of course!" the boy reading aloud broke away laughing and asked, "Oh, Lord! What kinda fruitcake wrote this?"
Amelia knew immediately and watched as Martina's eyes went all watery and huge. Her chin wavered as she fought to hold back tears, but with a horror filled look she dashed off crying something about being tricked and her poor heart being toyed with and broken. Amelia was filled with the rage of righteousness and stormed over to the bulletin board, ripping down the offending letter. "And what kind of MAN would read somebody else's personal mail for entertainment!" she demanded with a knee to his groin. "That is inconsiderate! And those who are inconsiderate are no friend to justice!" She helpfully organized a party to carry the crippled boy to the nurse's office where it was decided that he would need to undergo a painful testicle retrieval surgery. Then Amelia headed off for the Kendo room.
"I throw away lots of letters!" Zangulus protested as he swung his bokken experimentally. "Anyone could have found it and stuck it up there!" He gave her a confident cold glare.
"Then the only just thing to do is invest in a shredder!" Amelia quickly countered. "For such embarrassing personal information may only be disposed of with the Shredder of Truth and Justice!" She pointed towards the heavens and placed her foot upon a rack which supported the wooden practice swords. The rack promptly broke and the rest of her justice speech was forgotten as she scrambled to gather up the wooden swords that were rolling across the floor.
A bead of sweat hung from Zangulus's forehead. "What is it with you princesses?" he wondered aloud. "Oh, I remember that letter now. I thought that such a ridiculous piece of insane tripe… I mean such sweet sentiments… had to be shared with all to brighten their lives. Sharing love is only just after all." He tipped his hat and grinned at her from the corner of his eyes, as he waited for the little fool to buy his story.
"You can't be serious with that pathetic excuse?" Amelia replied, dropping her jaw in shock. Her eyes grew large with disbelief. "You really think I'd be dumb enough to believe that load of sh-" Amelia caught herself at the last moment. Righteous anger filled her to the brim, and overflowed down her trembling limbs. "I must duel with you for Martina's honor then! It's the only fair thing to do! Today after school!" She lowered one of the practice swords at him, as she spoke with utter seriousness.
"Who do you think you…" Zangulus stopped short as he noticed the rose crest upon her finger. "So you're the new duelist. Very well, I'll meet you after school in the dueling arena behind the forest."
The famous Shadow Girl Theater suddenly interrupted the plot at this moment, and on a large orange wall covered in rose motifs two identical shadows, wearing silly antenna headbands and Sailor Scout suits, began warming up. "Okay, Mimi, have you got the Holy Book of Shrine Maidens with you?" called Shadow Girl A.
"Of course, Nene! It was so nice of that violent girl to let us keep it and these cute costumes too…" Shadow Girl B, aka Mimi, stopped short. The shadows suddenly looked up as though realizing they are being watched. "Oh no! Our first big performance!" cried Mimi, as they hustled to get into place.
"Oh, brave hero!" the two girls sang out in unison, while bobbing up and down to a catchy little J-pop tune. They swept their arms in time with their singing, as they continued. "Fighting for her friend's sake… Even though her mind's gone south, you have to open your big mouth. There are rules in the forest, do you know what they are? Do you really want to win that depressed chimera? Pink lip-gloss and a phone call by moonlight… Your justice is a one-way boomerang. There are rules in the forest. Do you know what they are? Do you know? Do you know? Do you know what they are?"
A strange light illuminated the wall and a flutter of rose petals rained down upon the shadows. Nene scratched her backside, while Mimi shook her head vehemently. "Is it just me, or are the songs in this book just pretty dumb?" one of them asked, as the scene faded to black.
Amelia sniffed delicately as she approached the dueling arena, which looked strangely like Mt. Coronay without the cloud cover. Behind the walls that enclosed the arena, the wide base tapered away in a swirl and supported a large flat surface at the top. "I don't' care what Lina says," she muttered under her breath. "I still think it looks like a pile of sh-" the hero blushed. "I mean poo," she amended. She steeled herself and grasped the door handle. A droplet of cold water splattered against her ring, making her yelp, and then some queer, discordant music began to boom, as the rose shaped door opened dramatically.
"Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku… Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku…" chorused the unharmonious singers.
"Why couldn't this parody have contained any of Megumi's music instead of this weird stuff?" Amelia wondered aloud as she began to climb the long and winding stairs that led up the poopy shaped pillar to the dueling arena. She tried to figure out why the music would be talking about a wet nurse and a midwife in a dark desert, but quickly gave up when the song started talking about Sodom and Apocalypse again. The strange song played through five times before she finally reached her destination, and by this point she was wishing she could claw through her own brain to get the tune out of her head.
Amelia paused to catch her breath, setting the wooden sword aside and bending forward with her hands resting upon her thighs. "I sure hope Miss Martina appreciates this," she panted. She looked up at the sound of footfalls in the arena, but instead of focusing on the other duelist, Amelia was distracted by the sight of a humongous castle floating upside-down over the arena. "I just know that a pig in a bunny suit is going to pop out of the floor at any moment," she wailed as her jaw dropped. She noticed Zangulus for the first time, standing haughtily before her and smelling a green rose that had been pinned to his jacket. "What is this place? Was there some kind of hallucinogen in that water at the entrance? Or are there subliminal messages in that strange music? It's absolutely inexcusable to drug and brainwash a girl, who has come to fight you in good faith!" She got no further than that, before Zelgadis appeared in a red magical girl gown looking extremely uncomfortable. He held out a soft pink rose to her, and Amelia's mind went blank.
"Why Miss Zelgadis!" Amelia finally exclaimed in surprise and delight. Her eyes turned cute and shiny, and she blushed deeply, as the chimera looked both confused and annoyed. "I never knew you felt that way! One perfect rose! That's just too sweet!" she giggled.
"Amelia…" Zelgadis began in exasperation. "First of all, if you ever call me Miss again, I'm going to tell Lina that you stole the last chicken leg at dinner and let her beat you senseless. Secondly, this flower is for the duel. If the rose is knocked from your breast, you lose." Zelgadis blushed upon reflection on those words. Then he blushed crimson nearly to the tips of his ears, when he tried with a trembling hand to pin the rose to Amelia's jacket. He wasn't sure, but he thought he saw her arch her back to make her chest more accessible to him. Somehow the word 'breast' kept coming back to haunt him no matter how he attempted to concentrate on the breast… ahem…task at hand. By accident he stabbed her with the needle, and quickly apologized before she could hurt him.
Zelgadis let out a shaky breath, after finally managing to pin the rose to Amelia's jacket. She was now glowering at him for having not only completely felt her up with his bumbling attempts at securing the rose but also for stabbing her repeatedly with the pin. He had a feeling that he would need to invest in economy sized Band-aid boxes for her at this rate. That was if she didn't just say 'screw this fanfic!' and leave him alone with Zangulus. Zelgadis was sure that--somewhere on high--God was mooning him with a big, pink, perfect, human ass while choirs of angels rejoiced. He somehow knew that his greatest humiliation was still to come. "Okay… Amelia, please just forget the justice speeches and kick his ass!" he offered in way of encouragement to the young girl.
"What was that?" Zangulus roared, moving to strike the melancholic chimera, and then thinking better of it. "Zelgadis! You are the Rose Bride! You belong to me! How dare you wish her luck!" he bellowed, as he tried to look completely insane. He didn't manage it nearly so well as Martina could, but he did finally settled on obsessive and testy, which he could manage quite admirably.
Zelgadis prepared himself for the moment he'd been dreading. He extended his arms before him and closed his eyes as power swirled between his chest and his magic fingers. "Oh, Rose of the Noble Castle," he groaned, lost in his own personal hell. "Power of Rezos that sleeps within me. Heed your master and come forth!" A bright flash of blue light emanated from his already glowing chest, and Zangulus bent the Rose Bride back in a sensual looking embrace. Zangulus gazed ardently at the stony man, and his eyes seemed hooded with passion. All the yaoi writers fanned themselves and swooned. Amelia gulped and crossed herself; she suddenly felt dirty just watching this. Zangulus reached into the pool of light and a sword hilt suddenly popped into being, as Zelgadis's back arched violently. Zangulus prepared to draw his magical weapon, but he was met with a screech.
"Dammit, Zangulus!" Zelgadis swore angrily. "That was my nipple you were yanking!"
"Oh, sorry!" Zangulus muttered. He drew the sword successfully on the second attempt and shouted, "Grant me the power to bring the world revolution, but please don't turn me into a chimera!" Everyone sweat-dropped at that, and Zelgadis fell flat on his back with a crash as Zangulus dropped him.
Zangulus rushed forward, slicing through Amelia's bokken while she desperately jumped back from his strike. Amelia stared at the splintered remains of her wooden sword; then back at Zangulus's metal one. She gasped. This was definitely more than she'd been expecting. She didn't like weapons, actually. She preferred to fight barehanded. That aside, at the moment the disparity between their respective weapons seemed less than fair.
"You're challenging the greatest swordsman on earth with a toothpick?" Zangulus boasted. "You little fool! Just stand still, and I promise to remove that flower with one clean stroke!" He tipped his scarecrow hat and cackled gleefully. Zangulus again took the offensive, driving Amelia further back across the arena floor.
The arena swayed like a teeter-totter, and Amelia stumbled. Oh, this was so much like Mt. Coronay! She quickly recovered, and could see Zelgadis standing on the sidelines, tapping his foot impatiently. He gave her their private signal for the Ra-tilt, but she shook her head. If she was going to be in this story she would do this fairly, as her justice loving heart demanded.
She had managed to escape Zangulus's attacks, and Amelia used the momentary break to prepare for a rush of her own. She lowered her center of gravity, holding the decimated wooden stick like a lance, and locked her arms. With a mighty shout, she took off at a run towards a very surprised Zangulus. The two ran directly at each other as if in slow motion. Zelgadis tried to look terrified, but he soon gave up and buried his face in his hands.
The two combatants came together in a violent clash, but no one could really see it because a giant spinning rose covered the contact. (All the characters breathed a sigh of relief, that it hadn't been replaced with something sick and twisted, according to the author's whims.) As Amelia and Zangulus finished their pass, they each slowed and turned to face each other. Amelia's eyes shone with determination, and Zangulus's face radiated triumph. Within the space of a heartbeat, Zangulus's features fell and his face turned blue. Amelia's rose was still perfect, unmarred by his attack. He looked down at his own chest to discover the last of the rose petals falling away and flickering away on the slight breeze. He fell to his knees in disbelief.
Amelia made a victory sign and smiled sweetly. "Although I must be ever vigilant and tireless in my pursuit, once again justice prevails!" She turned back towards the silent chimera, who was watching between parted fingers. "Come on, Mr. Zelgadis," she told him cheerfully, as she led him away by the arm. "Let's go see if we can find any remaining scraps of your dignity!"
Preview: Next Episode
Amelia: Hey, Mister Zelgadis, what do you mean we're going to skip the second episode of Utena?
Zelgadis: The author said it's not necessary. Maybe she just feels she can humiliate me more in the third episode anyhow…
Amelia: That's not true, Mister Zelgadis! Lots of people like you! You've even been voted a finalist for the Winter Dance Queen!
Zelgadis: Oh, merciful death, take me now! Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku!
Amelia: Huh?
Zelgadis: The Absolute Destiny Apocalypse!