Disclaimer: I don't own Slayers, Utena, Takeshi's Castle, or MXC. Only the insanity to blend all these things together is mine, and I don't make a cent off any of that.
Filia's footfalls echoed off the deserted, shadowy sidewalk, as she walked home from her evening study session. The darkness hung from the leafy trees and crept between the streetlamps. There was no traffic. Not even a stray cricket disturbed the still night air. Slowly, Filia became aware of a second set of footsteps matching her own. Filia walked faster, and the footsteps behind her kept pace.
Filia spotted the tunnel ahead, and she broke into a run, determined not to let her pursuer overtake her there. She heard the corresponding footfalls running behind her. Startled, Filia risked a glance over her shoulder. Before she could focus her eyes even, her attention was drawn back in front of her by a flash of light in her peripheral vision.
Filia tripped and landed face down on the pavement, her books scattering along the ground. She was bathed in the headlights of a brown station wagon, and a horn sounded loudly above her as the driver slammed on her brakes. The tires squealed against the asphalt, as the car swerved right to avoid the scared dragon. It seemed to Filia as if an impossible number of actions played out in mere seconds, but she was aware of each one in her state of heightened alertness.
At the mouth of the tunnel, Filia spied the shadowed silhouette of a person watching her. She couldn't make out any details of the person however, and her attention suddenly locked onto a voice talking either to or at her. A short and wrinkled old lady with a small bun on the top of her head and a large bump on her forehead had emerged from the car. "Hey, I asked if you're okay!" the old lady reiterated in annoyance. "The things young people do these days for attention!" the woman huffed. The driver was clearly growing angrier at Filia's lack of response. Eventually, the woman threw her hands up in the air and gave up. "Weirdo!" she yelled, as she climbed back behind the wheel and flipped Filia a very rude finger gesture.
The woman revved the motor and sped off, only to wrap her vehicle around a tree not ten feet away when a small green frog suddenly materialized down the back of her shirt. Filia simply shook her head and quickly raced home, having had enough adventure for one evening.
Meanwhile, at an undisclosed location, more sinister events were afoot. Inside the soundproofed broomcloset that served as his makeshift prison, a tired voice actor had fashioned a shiv from the janitor's mop handle and was desperately picking away at the soundproofing that insulated his fangirl captors from his greatest weapon against them.
He'd been taken unawares--kidnapped in his sleep, but they would never hold him. He could hear the footsteps and jingling keys of his jailers coming with a dinner tray. When they drew near enough, David Moo pressed his mouth to the area he'd cleared around the bottom of the door. "THAT IS A SECRET!!" he boomed with as much force as he could manage.
As the fangirls collapsed with a gasp and thud, the frustrated voice actor laughed gleefully. He used the pointed end of the stick to break through the thin wooden door, lifted the key from one unconscious girl, and escaped into the night still cackling hysterically.
The next day Filia joined Phil and Xellos for a cup of tea and decided that it was time to confide in them about the strange accidents and near misses that were plaguing her lately. After a deep breath she began to relate the lengthy list. "…..and then a flowerpot nearly fell on me, and some logs fell by me, and someone nearly pushed me down the stairs, and a dragon cuisine chef showed up at the house, and someone left a bunch of little gold balls on the kitchen floor….."
"I think we all get the picture, Filia," interrupted Xellos. He finished stirring his tea, set his spoon upon the porcelain saucer, and calmly took a sip. The monster radiated detached amusement, despite the involuntary twitch affecting Filia's right eye as she read his subtitles.
"What an incredible run of bad luck!" Phil exclaimed, pounding his fist into his opposite palm. It was one of Phil's more subtle displays of sympathy, and it involved fewer broken ribs than his customary bear hug.
"Please, Big Monster," Filia pleaded, as she swiped the dishes away and climbed atop the metal table. She folded her hands in prayer, and a beam of divine radiance illuminated her as she cast huge watery eyes upon him. "It would be one thing if I were to be a sacrifice for the Temple of the Fire Dragon King, but I just can't live like this--always looking over my shoulder for who's out to get me. Please, help me, Big Monster!" she begged, deciding that the nickname "Big Monster" was in retrospect perhaps a bit filthy sounding. Not that she was certain enough about Mazoku physiology to know if Xellos actually had or needed a "big monster". Still, the stinking Mazoku's ego was more likely to respond the way she wanted to that nickname than to "Big Nanagomi".
"If you want my advice Filia," Xellos told her gravely, "get yourself a shovel, because you're in deep shi-"
"Mister Xellos!" Phil chastised stopping his injustice-monitoring stopwatch as Filia streaked away in tears. According to his latest estimate, an injustice happened in his presence about once every forty-seven seconds.
"Filia is obviously just playing for attention, Philly," Xellos whinged narrowly opening his violet eyes to watch Filia's back as she fled the open-air cafeteria in slow-motion. In fact, she was the only person in the vicinity to be moving in slow-mo and was attracting a great deal of attention as such. Two girls at the next table were shaking their heads and discussing whether or not Filia could help them find the alleged Dramata on campus; and the table next to that was debating whether or not she was behaving like more of a drama dragon than the Drag-on from season one. A group of round-eyed boys were scratching their heads and goggling in disbelief, and somebody in the crowd had thrown a banana peel into Filia's path--apparently to see if she could manage to swerve to avoid it in her time altered state.
"I think you were far too hard on her, and at least I intend to see if I can help her in the name of all that is good and right in the world!" Phil interjected vehemently as he rose quickly to his feet. "It is my duty to preserve the peace and to ensure that my fellow students have a pleasant high school experience, so that they can appreciate the wonders of youth and…" Xellos was cringing beside him, as Philionel spouted a lengthy series of pro-life sentiments and marched over to Filia's side. The peace-loving man looked thoughtful for a second. Then he looked away as Filia hit the banana peel and went down like rock.
"Wait a second!" Xellos interjected. "What the heck happened to all that stuff you said about protecting Filia's school experience? You just let her fall on her butt in front of the whole cafeteria?"
Phil shrugged. "Well, I didn't specify just Filia's school experience. I said 'my fellow students', and those boys there had a five-dollar bet on whether or not she'd tank. Watching your fellow students mortify themselves is all part of the high school experience too. Besides, it seemed the fastest way to get her out of slow motion."
Philionel and Filia joined Eris, Callie, and Mazenda on the steps above the field where students were playing brass rackets. Filia was still rubbing her tender rump. "I'll try to put this delicately but, Miss Filia, are you sure that you don't know anyone who would possibly have it in for you?" Phil asked solemnly as he watched his pride and joy returning a shot that had been called "a most twisted high-speed technique truly deserving of the name 'snake's hole'". His chest swelled and he broke into loud cheers that sent Amelia staring his direction with a flushed face, until the ball, traveling at a magically amplified speed, hit her right in the ear and Phil covered his mouth and hunched guiltily for having distracted her.
"Oh there are plenty of people who would have reason, but when Golden Dragons from the Temple of the Fire Dragon King need to do dirty work they are very careful to use someone else to do their dirty work. They also really know how to hide the evidence. That's why nobody would be able to trace anything back to Miss Filia," Mazenda explained.
"Hey! You're making me sound like some kind of villain with that talk! I AM firmly on the side of good, you guys!" Filia protested loudly, shaking her finger in their faces. "I do whatever I have to in order to thwart the plans of the monster race and keep unworthy girls away from my Big Monster." Filia crossed her arms in front of her chest, primly and gave everyone a holier-than-thou look.
At that moment, the ball from the game of brass rackets slammed into Filia's nose hard enough to knock her to the top of the stairs from where she had been standing near the bottom. She went down with a gurgling screech and bounced on the pavement.
"Sorry about that!" Amelia called cheerfully from the courtyard as she waved at them. Humming a merry tune, the petite hero jogged over to the delight of Phil and the surprise of Filia's group. "Thanks for catching the ball for me," Amelia grinned at Filia, but her expression faltered as she realized that the golden dragon was growling and tossing the ball angrily in her hand.
"You! It was you, wasn't it?" Filia demanded. Her body went completely rigid, and her tail popped out from under her skirt and stood straight up as she leaned in towards the shorter girl. Three foreign exchange students from the overworld grinned and raised their eyebrows approvingly as her raised tail lifted Filia's short skirt, exposing her frilly pink bloomers. "You're trying to kill me!" she fumed at the slightly befuddled hero, as Amelia tried to warn her through hand signals that her underpants were showing.
"Um, Miss Filia, I'm not sure what you're talking about," Amelia said still waving her hands and pointing at Filia's tail. The angry dragon wasn't picking up on it however. Amelia sighed and cupped her hand to the side of her mouth. "Your tail is showing, Miss Filia, and so are your… hey where's your mace?" Amelia asked forgetting to whisper the last part.
Filia straightened and dropped her tail as the anger immediately left her and was replaced by embarrassment. This much chapter abuse was normally reserved only for Zelgadis. "Oh that. The author thought it would look bad to have mace-sama sticking out with these really short skirts, so she gave me an inner pocket that connects to hammerspace," Filia explained shyly.
"Mr. Zelgadis will sure be relieved to hear that," Amelia said to herself without thinking. A shadow crossed over her, and she decided it would be best to change scenes before Filia could give her a working demonstration of how hammerspace and her beloved mace operated.
They took a walk down the arched corridor that ran past Zelgadis' greenhouse. "I promise, Miss Filia, I'm not trying to kill you. I have absolutely no reason to. Besides, that sort of thing goes directly against how I was raised and my whole 'being a prince' thing," Amelia explained after hearing Filia's story.
"Well, I happen to know that my big brother is very interested in you," Filia countered smugly. "How's that for a motive?" For the record, Filia had done twelve seasons with the Temple of the Fire Dragon King Players, and she was having a great time playing her part in this story. Her ability to get into the character of Nanami was a bit frightening to the author sometimes, but greatly appreciated all the same.
"Um, speaking from experience, it's not usually a good sign to be the center of Mr. Xellos' attention," Amelia replied in a small voice, as she leaned against one of the columns that lead to the greenhouse path. She was hoping that she would never again receive any kind of present from Xellos in the remainder of this fanfic. Though, nothing could possibly be worse than that dress. She shuddered at the memory.
"Hey, there's someone in the greenhouse," Phil exclaimed, his hope of running into Miss Zelgadis written across his broad features as he fixed his moustache in readiness. He wiped a small trail of drool from the corner of his mouth, and Amelia cringed--her face turning bluish.
"But there's a keep out sign on the door," Amelia said, drawing her eyebrows together as the distinct figures of Zelgadis and Xellos moved around inside the glass walls. Amelia decided it would be a good idea to head over before fireballs and fighting erupted.
Amelia could hear Filia's teeth grinding and noticed that the blonde was snarling and had fists ready as though expecting a lurid yaoi scene awaiting them. Amelia shook her head forcefully to banish the images of Zelgadis with ultra long eyelashes sighing as he was caught in a shirtless Xellos' embrace. Somehow the thoughts kept multiplying like little green bunnies rather than fading, and Amelia worried that she secretly harbored a fascination with shonen ai. Either that or she was becoming twisted enough to enjoy Zelgadis' strange predicaments in this story. As her moral dilemma raged, she decided that either way it would be best not to share this information with Zelgadis.
As they drew nearer, they could hear angry voices, and Amelia sighed in relief. Phil and Filia gave her questioning stares, but she waved them off and settled in to eavesdropping with them.
"Thank goodness for glass walls, or we'd have to hire an interpreter," Filia mumbled, as they read Xellos' statement through the greenhouse wall.
"I said I want the killing done now," Xellos was telling the petulant chimera.
Zel pursed his lips. "And what on L-sama's green earth makes you think I would kill for you?" he demanded angrily, as he slammed his watering can onto the workbench that he used for potting.
"Oh, come on! You're not saying that you plan to let them live just to spite me, are you?" Xellos responded, sounding smugly superior even across the language barrier, as he raised his hands in a half shrug. "What's the problem with killing vermin like them?" he asked, as he lightly stroked the petals of one of the pink roses and leaned forward to languidly inhale its fragrance as though it were the finest aphrodisiac in the world. Then he tasted one of the petals with the pink tip of his tongue, before catching it in his teeth. Amelia and Filia started to sweat just watching him.
"Typical monster sentiment. They're living things too, you know," Zel pointed out tersely. Turning around, Zelgadis could see what Xellos was doing to the pink rosebush, and his jaw tightened. An angry color appeared on his face as his fists clenched, and he grabbed the nearest object to him. He promptly smacked the jolly monster over the head with his brass water can. "Stop doing perverted things to Ame-"
The two men jumped as the greenhouse door banged open hard enough to break one of the panes. "Y-y-you!" Filia sputtered mace in hand, as Zelgadis cowered behind the bench and Xellos just stared at her with his brow raised and one eye opened to a slit. "How could you, Big Monster? I never thought the one trying to kill me would be my own big brother!" Filia bawled sniffing loudly.
In her mind she could see Zelgadis and Xellos conspiring against her during the flowerpot incident, before losing themselves in an illicit embrace with lots of wet smacking noises and moans. She took a moment to consider her stance on shonen ai. Then she bellowed, "You nanagomi!" And wiping her nose on her sleeve, Filia ran off still streaming tears behind her.
"Mr. Xellos! I know you're a monster," Amelia thundered her head suddenly seeming much larger and more menacing than usual, "but you can't just kill your own sister! And stop trying to tempt Miss Zelgadis to your ways with false leads about cures, or sex appeal, or whatever you were doing just now." Amelia turned pink, as the words 'sex appeal' left her lips, and she trembled nervously, hoping that would pass by them.
"What?" Zelgadis and Xellos asked in unison. They looked at each other and shook their heads, Zelgadis taking the extra measure of smacking himself in the forehead with the heel of his palm. Zel produced a can of bug spray from under the bench. "Same old Filia, still jumping to conclusions,"
He turned his stony gaze on Amelia. "And what the hell was that about Xellos tempting me with sex appeal?" he demanded hotly, as Amelia cowered.
"But-but that thing with the rose…" Amelia protested weakly.
"Amelia, take a good look at which rosebush he was doing that to," Zel instructed between clenched teeth, and Amelia took a closer look at the rosebush. It was the same one that Zelgadis used for her brooches during the duels, and consequently it was the only rosebush he wasn't actively trying to kill. A large drop of sweat formed at the back of Amelia's head, and her lips formed a small 'o'. Then her eyes grew large and round as Xellos resumed fiddling with Amelia's flowers, and she ducked behind Zelgadis.
"Damn it!" Zel roared at the mischievous monster, "How many times do I have to tell you to keep your hands off Amelia's bush?" Amelia and Zelgadis caught the unintentional double meaning at the same moment and flushed so brightly that their faces were actually glowing.
Xellos seemed immensely pleased with himself, as he raised a pair of Zel's garden shears as if to cut a blossom. "But wouldn't a bouquet of these be perfect?" he asked sagely. "Besides, it's not like I'm planning to deflower-"
He got no further as Zelgadis grabbed a nearby rake and began chasing the happy monster around the perimeter of the enclosed structure with homicidal intent. Amelia gasped covering her mouth, and only then did she remember the fourth person standing there with them all. She could feel blazing heat coming from the figure behind her, and she barely had time to yelp and duck before the entire greenhouse shook with the words, "Pacifist Crush!"
Filia ran down the archway, her vision mostly obscured by tears as she swore that she'd rather be dead than be in her present circumstances. Suddenly behind her a deep voice shouted a warning to everyone in the hall, "Runaway Shrine! A shrine's broken loose!" Students jumped left and right as a gigantic hunk of the old Golden Dragons' Transit System came barreling towards them like a hallowed juggernaut. Filia turned to see it bearing down upon her in mute horror, and her life flashed before her as she closed her eyes and braced for impact.
She felt someone grab her and pull her out of the way at the last moment before the shrine continued on its path of divine destruction and mayhem further down the hall. "Are you okay, Miss?" a male voice asked her with deep concern, as he wrapped her scraped hand with his handkerchief.
Traveling at the speed of gossip, the news reached Amelia and the others at nearly the same instant. "Wow!" Amelia exclaimed, her eyes growing big and shiny. "He saved her at the last possible second then left without even giving her his name… how romantic…" she sighed dreamily.
"It's not very practical though, is it?" Zelgadis huffed, tapping his foot and hunching his shoulders as he slouched unhappily. He'd thought he'd get a break in this chapter, since the Rose Bride wasn't in it much. Yet fate was smacking him in the face again, or at least the writer was. Amelia's gushing about Filia's mysterious prince, wasn't helping either.
"Well, I'd have done it differently, personally," Amelia admitted, and Zel realized that what he'd mistaken for Amelia being smitten with Filia's prince was more like Amelia being smitten with the idea of being someone's prince. He was suddenly overcome by an image of Amelia cradling Filia's head against her breast, as the two flushed and panting girls lay sprawled on the ground after Amelia had accomplished a daring rescue of her own. He crossed his arms over his groin and edged a step away from the towering mass of Prince Phil beside him.
"Lucky it turns out his name was embroidered on the hanky that he gave her," Amelia finished. "Now we're going to follow Miss Filia and find out who her mysterious prince is!" Amelia exclaimed with scalding enthusiasm. She raised her fist in the air and gave a battlecry of, "Yay!" Phil followed suit with a booming call, and Zel did his best to… oh, who are we kidding? Zel raised his fist into the air and said "Yay!" with as much enthusiasm as a dead fish.
The three tailed Filia as she headed across campus with a slip of paper and the handkerchief clasped tightly to her breast. They kept a distance to avoid being seen. And Amelia and Phil nudged each other with elbows as they noticed Filia drawing near to the strapping hero Valoon. "Hmm… is that her type?" Prince Phil mused aloud.
"Do you think Miss Filia goes for the muscle-bound ones?" Amelia asked Zelgadis.
"You know, I could just tell you what they're saying," Zel replied dryly, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he kicked at one of the rocks by his foot.
"But, Miss Zelgadis, we are on an adventure here," Philionel protested, and Amelia nodded in complete agreement.
"Yes, half the fun of this excursion is guessing which guy it will be!" Amelia told him, as Filia passed by Valoon without a backward glance. "Guess, it's not the musclemen," Amelia chirped, following after the departing dragon and dragging a reluctant Zelgadis by the arm.
Amelia let out a quiet, "Eeeek!" as Filia stopped next to speak with Honar the fishman. "Maybe Filia likes slimy beds and seaweed meals," she suggested with a whimper. Prince Phil turned a little blue at her words, and Zelgadis turned his back on the scene determined to ignore this at all costs.
"Phew! Guess not!" Amelia and Phil chorused, happily. They each grabbed one of Zelgadis' arms and dragged him onward, following their quarry.
Finally, Filia stopped under a leafy oak tree where a dark haired boy was seated with a comic book in his hands. He stood as Filia approached him, and he laughed warmly his green eyes gleaming as she shyly handed him his neatly folded hanky. "Would you…would you like to go out with me?" Filia asked.
Amelia and Zelgadis face-faulted in disbelief and collapsed to their knees. "It's a little kid," Prince Phil said in shock, as he stared at the boy who didn't even come up to Filia's chest. "Miss Filia's a pedophile?" he gasped in utter shock.
"It's Hellmaster Phibrizzo!" Amelia and Zelgadis wailed, and Zel mussed his wiry hair in frustration at the strange and horrible turn events had just taken for them. "Isn't he supposed to be dead?" Amelia asked in genuine concern.
"I have a bad feeling about what this means for future casting in this fic," Zelgadis groaned, falling forward on his knees with his stony butt in the air and his face buried in the grass while his arms stretched limply to either side of him. Amelia quickly rushed behind him to block the view up his skirt with her body, and Prince Phil blinked in disappointment while still craning his neck for a peek.
The scene faded into the famous shadow girl theater so that Amelia would have some time to rouse Zelgadis from his stupor. On an orange rose crested wall, two shadows faced each other pointing to the heavens and propping one foot on a log in a clearing surrounded by tree shadows and a tent. "Camping!" Mimi and Nene cried in unison.
"Camping, camping, camping's so much fun!" Mimi sang as she tended the campfire.
"And the best part of camping is cooking Dradora Surprise over a fire," Nene sang out as she set the pot to cooking. It bubbled merrily over the roaring flames while moving tentacles flopped around desperately. The girls inhaled the wafting aroma dramatically--their tongues hanging out.
"Let's eat!" Mimi exclaimed in a bright voice, clutching her growling stomach.
The two girls raised their bowls to each other, " Down the hatch!" And with that the hungry shrine maidens began to devour their feast.
"Eww!" squealed Nene. "There are squiggly live bits in here!"
"And there's all this burnt stuff at the bottom," sniffed Mimi.
"Hey, Mimi, what is a dradora and what goes into Dradora Surprise?" Nene asked in a tentative voice. She poked at the mewling tentacle thing that was trying to escape from her bowl.
Mimi pulled out their Delicacies of the Outer World cookbook and turned to the recipe. "According to this, dradora is…" Mimi sank low with revulsion as a cloud hung over her, and she covered her mouth with her hand to keep from heaving, "…a dried, smoked dragon's pizzle."
"A WHAT?" Nene shrieked.
"You know," Mimi said in a tone that said she could easily use another word for Nene's edification, but would rather pull out her own tongue than say it. "His pizzle!" she stressed, and Nene dropped her bowl as she understood.
"And the surprise is live octopus and troll intestines…" Mimi finished.
The girls screamed and large tears flew from their eyes. "Really?" asked a surprised male voice, as the shadow of a longhaired swordsman continued eating the entire pot all the way to the bottom. "I can eat this!" he declared, as he stood up, "because….um… because…. What was the next line again?"
A short female shadow jumped out at him, and proceeded to bash him over the head with her elbow and chase him around the campsite… "I can't believe you, Jellyfish Brains!" she howled. "One line! Can't you even remember one line?"
Mimi sniffed. "Haven't these people ever heard of normal food like s'mores?" she lamented to her sister over the sounds of Lina's spells and Gourry's screams.
"Because this sweet air is the best flavoring of aaaaaaaaaaall!" Gourry yowled, as he jumped over one of Lina's blasts.
"And I wanted children someday," Milgasia grieved solemnly, as he popped up in the middle of the chaos. "Just kidding."
Reassured that Milgasia's pizzle was apparently intact, although his sense of humor was obviously unfathomable as ever, the author returned us to the cafeteria where Zel, Amelia, and Phil were eating a meal of their own.
"I don't know…." Phil mused softly. "This could be bad."
"Tastes fine to me," Amelia piped up.
"I don't mean the Noonsa casserole," Phil clarified, and Zelgadis dropped his fork and stared down at his plate.
"He really was tasty," Zel announced his eyes round.
"Miss Zelgadis?" Amelia asked, giving him a quizzical look.
"Never mind," he told her taking another bite.
"I was just thinking about this situation with Miss Filia," Phil explained. "If you ask me, this is all about Mister Xellos."
"Isn't Mister Xellos her brother in this fic?" Amelia said, losing interest in her casserole over this topic. Zelgadis followed suit, pushing his plate away and contenting himself with his steaming cup of tea instead.
"Yes," Prince Phil nodded. "If you ask me, Miss Filia has a real 'big monster' complex," he added. "Since Mister Xellos is the only monster she's ever had, he's the only one she wants."
"This could be bad," Amelia told him.
"Tastes fine to me," Phil replied poking at his casserole. Zelgadis rolled his eyes and sighed into his cup. "But now that she thinks Mister Xellos has betrayed her, it might serve to drive her towards other Mazoku," Phil concluded.
"But do you think she really likes Hellmaster?" Zelgadis asked with disdain. "That creepy little brat was bad enough the first time." He watched Amelia closely for a minute, and she gave him a half-smile, knowing exactly why Hellmaster Phibrizzo was such a hated subject to the chimera. She patted the back of his stony hand comfortingly, and Zelgadis tried to reconcile the unspoken moment to the fact that he was seated at table with Amelia's father, who was at this moment trying to play footsie with the unfortunate sorcerer swordsman.
Zelgadis kicked the burly pacifist in the shin with a hard blow, and the trio turned their attention to where Filia was hanging out with Hellmaster on the hillside. "They look more like brother and sister than a couple," Amelia said shaking her head.
For her part Filia was making the most of her relationship to the little monster. She had a talent for picking up lackeys wherever she went, and the young boy seemed be no exception to the rule. With the simple call of, "Phibrizzo," Filia had learned that she could get anything that she wanted. This morning he had already brought her the answers to a pop quiz, served as her easel, gotten her brass racquets gear for her from home, and made her an excellent boxed lunch.
The idyllic moment was shattered though as three upperclassmen interrupted them. The exchange students from the overworld had come to speak to her and were looming over the refreshing sunlight that Filia had been so enjoying.
"Is it true that you're going out with this elementary school kid?" asked Almayce testily.
"It's a slap in the face to us junior high guys!" Erulogos added, looking about as much like a junior high guy as a troll looked like a princess. (A comparison that has absolutely no bearing on the similarity between a dwarf and a certain prince who need not be named here.)
"And who are you?" Filia asked pointedly.
"Erulogos… Almayce… Sirius," the trio sang out, each hitting a different harmonious note.
"Who?" Filia reiterated, disinterest dripping from her voice.
"The guys who write you love letters every day!" Sirius told her loudly.
"Phibrizzo," Filia called; and with a, "Yes, ma'am," the little monster was right in front of her and ready for business. "Take care of them for me," Filia instructed walking off to bask in the fabulous afternoon sun. She might not like it when dragons were equated with reptiles, but basking in the sun was definitely a trait of both. Filia had even been eyeing a fancy hot rock for her room, although she was reluctant knowing that Xellos would probably do something nasty to it as a prank. She pondered the blue of the sky, as Phibrizzo and the overworlders rushed each other in a vicious battle.
She wasn't aware of how long it was before a battered but triumphant Hellmaster returned to her side and collapsed into her arms. "You held up quite well, Phibrizzo," she commended him as he snuggled against her cleavage.
"Thank you, madam," Phibrizzo answered tiredly, as Filia petted his hair tenderly.
"Now I get it!" Zelgadis interrupted in a loud, cold voice. "You were just using Hellmaster as a bodyguard!" he accused, while Amelia and her father looked on in understanding. "It was all just a pretext."
"So?" Filia responded shrilly. "It's not like the selfish pretext a monster would use. Mister Gourry is Miss Lina's protector, and you're Miss Amelia's protector. Meanwhile, someone is trying to KILL me, and you're going to begrudge me one tiny little protector of my own."
"Is this how you treat your protectors?" Amelia asked in disbelief.
Zangulus cleared his throat behind the tiny hero, and everybody cringed at the picture of him in kendo regalia while wearing that same dumb hat. "No matter how much you are abused you are always happy to be with the one you love," he told them. He'd missed his cue for the line originally, because he was still at the cafeteria getting a third helping of Noonsa casserole.
He tipped his hat coolly. "That is one form of love. Love takes many forms. For example the love Zelgadis and I share is hidden love," Zangulas announced romantically, as he reached into his shirt for a small book.
Zelgadis puffed up to yell at the obsessive swordsman. "Listen up, any love you and I share is a delusion on your part!" Amelia was blushing beside him and completely unable to look anyone in the face for the moment.
Filia shook her head and kicked Zangulas in the posterior and out of the scene. "He's my boyfriend, and I can treat him any way I want!" Filia snarled at the others. She glowered at them until the trio shrank back, and then she stalked off, with her tail swishing behind her.
"Wouldn't boy toy be more accurate?" Phil wondered aloud, as Filia rampaged off.
"It's okay," Hellmaster Phibrizzo assured them with a wistful note to his young voice. "I always wanted to be her boyfriend. Miss Filia doesn't remember it, but we met before when she was very small…" he told them. The three surprised students turned to face the innocent looking monster, as he relived his memory for them.
He and Filia had been playing in a sandbox in the playground, and Filia in her ruffled pink and white dress didn't look much older than him. (Of course, Phibrizzo was thousands of years older than he looked and therefore much older than Filia, but the sentiment was the same that they both looked like little chibis.) Phibrizzo kept shooting Filia secret glances and blushing, as she built her sand castle under the possession of the Fire Dragon King. Phibrizzo was inching his hand forward to see if he could touch her tail.
Suddenly, the serenity of the playground was broken by shouts along the edges of the crowd, and a booming voice warned, "Runaway dwarf! A dwarf's broken loose!" Filia and everyone around Phibrizzo panicked, and the little pink bow around Filia's tail came off in his hand as she ran off with the rest of the crowd seeking safety.
"Little girl!" Phibrizzo called after her, waving the bow to attract her attention. He cried out in shock as he saw the large, one-eyed dwarf carrying Ragud Mezegis headed straight for the little golden dragon. "Little girl, watch out!" Phibrizzo called in a rather high-pitched voice, as he started to run towards the frozen dragon.
Before little Hellmaster was even halfway, Xellos appeared dressed in a school uniform and clocked Gravos into orbit. Hellmaster stared on in awe, as little Filia fawned all over the smiling monster, who picked her up on his shoulder and carried her off towards home.
"I just couldn't get over it," Hellmaster admitted with admiration in his voice. "I knew then that someday I wanted to grow up to be a cool 'Big Monster' like that guy I saw," Hellmaster explained. A familiar disarming grin spread across his handsome little face and his bright green eyes shone.
"So you wanted to be a Big Monster, not a boyfriend?" Amelia asked, as Zelgadis inched her further away from the disturbed little fiend.
"Yes, but Miss Filia didn't recognize me, even after all the time I spent rehearsing to meet her so that she would remember," Phibrizzo growled in frustration. He climbed to his feet, and straightened his spine in determination, as he pulled out the floating gold balls that Amelia and Zelgadis recognized all too well. "I have no choice, I have to put her in danger again," Phibrizzo told them.
"Wait the flowerpot, and the stairs, and the gold balls on the kitchen floor… that was you?" Zelgadis hollered.
"Of course," Phibrizzo answered with a sunny smile. "That's the way a big monster is supposed to act, isn't it? Isn't that the chaos that every monster craves? Of course, I'm still not sure if I want to return her to oblivion or just keep rescuing her so that she'll admire me the way she did her old Big Monster. You have no idea how confusing it is for a monster like me to be turned into a pubescent boy with hormones," he confided in them, and Amelia was quite sure that little bit of too much information would keep her having nightmares for weeks. His manner grew steadily more unstable with each sentence, as the apparent hormones seemed to weaken the Hellmaster's already tentative grasp on sanity.
"That's why I…" he began, his voice becoming shrill as raised his fists and glared at them dangerously. "That's why I must realize every monster's dream…"
Zelgadis pushed Amelia firmly behind him, while she protested loudly. "Hey, Mister Zel-" Amelia looked back at Phil and caught herself in time, "I mean, Miss Zelgadis, I'm supposed to be the hero in this story. So I'm supposed to be protecting you." Amelia glared up at Zel with angry blue eyes. She was used to Lina trying to steal the spotlight from her on the rare occasions when Amelia got it, but Mister Zelgadis never did that to her.
"Not against Hellmaster," he growled flatly, as he warily eyed the floating gold orbs in Hellmaster's open palm.
Hellmaster laughed like a diminuitive lunatic, his tiny dark head stretched back while his shoulder length black hair blew around him.
"So it was you the whole time!" interrupted a furious female voice, and everyone turned to see Miss Filia standing there with a look of absolute rage contorting her normally pretty features. Even Hellmaster gulped. "Because of you… because of you I called my Big Monster a nanagomi!" Filia charged the guilty little Mazoku, and she reached for the back of his collar despite the warnings of everyone around her.
"Runaway fishman!" someone interrupted, "A fishman's broken loose!" Everyone looked at each other, and they began to run and jump out of the way as Rahanimu streaked past them like a blur. The furious fishman turned at the end of his run and faced them, preparing for his second pass.
"You know," interrupted Prince Philonel seriously, "he really has got very sexy legs."
"Daddy!" Amelia bellowed, before Zelgadis pulled her to one side to avoid Rahanimu's second pass.
"We don't have time for this," Zel shouted, as he searched for a safe hiding place. For some reason, Amelia never got to pull that sword trick at any moment when a sword would be useful outside the arena. It was a total nuisance.
With a battle cry of, "I will protect Miss Filia!" Phibrizzo threw himself directly in the way of the oncoming icthyosapien. He yelled loudly as he prepared for battle. He was shocked to discover that he was in motion and headed away from Rahanimu, as Filia picked him up and began running away from the mad fish with Phibrizzo tucked neatly under her arm.
"Run, you idiot!" Filia ordered, her voice terse. "I don't mind risking my life to save you, and I don't mind taking you in as another lackey. Just remember my brother is my brother, and you're you, Phibrizzo," she explained, changing direction quickly as Rahanimu ended up in front of her again.
Prince Phil had tripped over a rock and was making a large but unappealing target on the ground. Amelia was leading Zelgadis out of harm's way across the clearing, and the chimera was cursing loudly as Rahanimu sang and flew around them all like a maniac.
Before anyone could come up with a plan of their own, Xellos arrived on the scene dressed in boxing shorts and sneakers. He hit Rahanimu right on the nose with a punch that sent the giant fish down for the count. Everyone around him came out of hiding and the air was filled with cheers, as the crowd hurried to congratulate him.
"My original solution was better," Zelgadis groused, while Amelia patted him on the shoulder. "Now what the heck are we supposed to do with a little maniac like Phibrizzo on the loose in this story," Zel asked darkly.
"Oh, that's no problem," Xellos answered cheerfully. "The author thought it would be way too reckless to let that little hellion wander around with his full powers, so she took away his power over life and death."
"But what about those little golden orbs that he's carrying?" Amelia protested, as she cast a healing spell on one of her scraped knees.
"These?" Phibrizzo asked in innocent confusion. "They're just marbles, but they're pretty, aren't they?"
"Wait just a moment!" a familiar voice cut into the action, and a disheveled voice actor limped out from behind the shrubberies. After a long and arduous journey of his own, David Moo had finally found his way back into the secluded world of the fanfic. "I've returned to finish this story, and I'll take out any fangirl who tries to stop me!"
Akira Ishida came out to face him like a cowboy at high noon, and the onslaught of angry subtitles made it perfectly clear that he had been forced to rearrange his entire schedule to take over this fic and wasn't happy at the prospect of handing the project over to anyone else.
Amelia gulped. "This won't do. Now we have two voices for Mr. Xellos," she squeaked.
"The question is which one do we keep," Zelgadis asked rubbing his forehead in irritation.
"Well, both men do have a rightful claim to do the voice in this story," Prince Phil announced carefully, still seated on the dusty ground. "I suppose we'll have to resort to a vote in the name of justice," he suggested.
"I think that would take too long, and it might seem too preferential to outsiders," Amelia cut in, tapping her finger against her chin as she thought about a diplomatic solution for the problem. "It would be better to let the two voice actors go head to head in a competition of some sort. Then the winner would voice Mr. Xellos for the rest of the story."
Xellos held up a sign that read, "How about a fight to the death?" Filia smacked him over the head with her mace and, while he lay twitching on the ground, the others went back to trying to solve this dilemma.
"How about a Japanese game show? Like Takeshi's Castle (better known as MXC stateside) or Iron Chef?" Filia suggested helpfully.
"No cooking! We've had enough culinary horror in this chapter!" protested several voices.
"Okay then, here are the events… Window Pain, Rotating Surfboard of Death, Log Drop, and Dash to Death." Phibrizzo interjected.
"Hey, isn't he a bit young to be watching a show like that?" Gourry whispered to the others as the blond swordsman changed into his Kenny Blankenship costume.
"Right you are Gourry," Lina responded, proudly modeling her Vic Romano kimono. "It explains a lot for us, doesn't it? Hey, Amelia, you wanna be Guy Le Douche for us?" Lina asked with a teasing grin.
"I have enough image problems without that honor!" Amelia yelled back, throwing a shoe at Lina's head for the very suggestion. "Besides, in this uniform I HAVE to be Captain Tenneal." Amelia shined her epaulets proudly with the cuff of her jacket for emphasis, as she borrowed a sword and took her place in front of the contestants.
Zelgadis stared around him sadly as the two voice actors donned their human fly suits and prepared to fling themselves at a Velcro wall for the first event. "This is just stupid," Zel declared, deciding he might as well leave, before anyone could drag him into this mess. A shadow snap later Zelgadis was firmly planted in his seat.
"And up first we have Window Pain where the object is to swing across the pit of safety fluid and stick yourself to the wall before you go splat!" Lina announced with relish.
"And today's safety fluid comes from the YMCA sweat room," Gourry read from the sheet provided to him. "Yech. One dip in that, and you'll be smelling like ham and old socks for weeks!"
"Indeed," Lina agreed, as Amelia handed the rope to their first actor, David Moo. "It looks like David Moo favors an unusual back handed grip on the rope, but look at him use his hips to really swing his body over the safety fluid," she narrated, as David Moo jumped onto the rope with an overdub pronouncing that he liked pie. He literally hurled himself through the air like a howler monkey jumping from tree to tree.
"Wow, look at that pelvic extension as he hits the wall!" Gourry marveled. "He really sticks it, you can tell from the wedgie that he's on there to stay."
"Indeed he is, Gourry," Lina added as she and Gourry fought to draw the illustrative guide over the area in question, but they ended up with something that looked like a happy face plastered over the voice actor's derriere.
"You know, normally they fall off the wall by now," Lina acknowledged, as the school fire brigade headed out with the pressure hose to remove David Moo from the wall.
"Up next is Akira Ishida," Lina told Gourry as he stared vacantly at a large spit bubble that he'd been cultivating while everyone else paid attention to the commotion on the field.
"Uh-ha," Gourry replied gingerly trying not to pop the bubble he'd formed. Lina held a pencil threateningly close to Gourry's precious spit bubble, and he complied by sucking it back in and pouting.
"Looks like he's got a much looser hand hold," Gourry observed, mentally comparing it to sword grips that he'd seen before. "With so much momentum that could hurt him in keeping it up until he's within range," the blond man noted moments before Akira's grip slipped off the rope and he went hurtling into the muddy water below.
"Ouch," Lina called sympathetically. "He goes down into the safety fluid, and boy he doesn't look happy about it. Wow, it looks like David Moo has drawn first blood and taken an early lead." The lead didn't last long though, as the second event, Log Drop, left the men in a dead tie. David Moo slid over the first three rollers on his belly in a naughty nurse stance before landing headfirst in the safety fluid while Akira Ishida skipped nimbly across. After that the competition only grew more intense, and the two men gritted their teeth in determination to prove that they were the one true Xellos. (Not that their respective talents were particularly demonstrated by the events in which they were participating, but it was the final goal after all.)
By the end they had competed in every event ever to grace the show, and they were both suffering from dizziness, exhaustion, and coated in so much mud that it was a wonder that either of them could still move at all.
"Can you believe that after all that trouble it was still a tie?" Amelia asked.
"Yeah, that David Moo sure could stick to a wall though," Gourry told them with reverence.
"But Akira Ishida nailed him on Log Drop," Lina crowed, smacking Gourry on the back hard enough to send him flying forward. "And don't even get me started on Sinkers and Floaters!" Lina was giggling with a perverse glee that didn't surprise anyone in the story.
"So I guess that means fans can pick their own audiotrack for Mister Xellos now, but the author says she's not writing any more subtitles in this monstrosity," Amelia explained.
"Good! Now that's settled… Phibrizzo," Filia interjected taking the little monster's hand in hers, "let's break up."
"Okay," Phibrizzo agreed amicably. "I was thinking, I'd like to be adopted into your family," he told her as they began setting off with Xellos. "Maybe I could be your Little Monster," he suggested.
"Big Monster," Filia cooed to the purple haired Mazoku on her other side, "you really are the only one for me!"
"I guess Mister Xellos really is quite a guy," Amelia admitted, as the jolly purple monster turned to grin at her.
Zelgadis looked deeply affronted beside her and the vein at his temple began to throb visibly as he faced the heroic princess at his shoulder. "EXCUSE ME?" he bristled. "Well, maybe you'd rather have Xellos' hands in your bush instead of mine in the next chapter!" he snapped.
Amelia and the chimera both turned bright red, as Prince Philionel seethed palpably behind them.
"Umm… Daddy," Amelia began, trying to hold the large man back from any possible targets.
"PACIFIST CRUSH!"
Preview: Unfulfilled Lina
Amelia: They say that only those who get within ten feet of her can see her other face.
Zelgadis: Who's that?
Amelia: Miss Lina, of course!
Zelgadis: She wants you to throw away your rose seal and make her the main character.
Amelia: Fat chance! The next episode of Revolutionary Girl Amelia: Unfulfilled Lina.
Zelgadis: If that's not the absolute destiny apocalypse, I don't know what is!
Author's Note: I don't normally add a real author's note with this story, but I figured it would be a nice thing to give a little explanation about the competition between David Moo and Akira Ishida at the end of the chapter. I've always intended to bring David Moo back into the fic, and I had thought of multiple ways to do it. A friend introduced me to MXC last spring and after laughing myself sick over the events and the overdubs, it became one of my favorite programs. So, when I was wracking my brains for some way for the pair to compete for the role of Xellos, my mother suggested MXC. I found the idea of the two poor voice actors going through an all out war across a plethora of insane and dangerous events for the honor of performing in a meager fanfic pretty hilarious--and rather more appropriate than some of my other ideas because of the Japanese gameshow angle. For those who've never seen MXC before and want to know what I'm talking about in this chapter, it airs on Thursday nights at 9:00pm EST on Spike TV. I felt the need to keep my parody of it extremely short in order to not get too much further off topic in an already huge chapter, but I tried to capture the flavor of the show in what I had.
If anyone wants to check out the lovely CG fanarts for Revolutionary Girl Amelia, I have a couple on my website. Definitely worth a look. There are more to come too! The link is available through my profile page. Hopefully, I'll get the revamp done soon, and have the essays and goodies all up.