I made Joe's history up, I hope its not too bad! Oh and this isn't the end...

Part 4

"Why don't you talk to me, tell me what's going on with you?" She whispered. They were on the couch, Joseph's head resting on her chest, her arms cradling him to her, comforting, supporting.

"If I'd have known you felt this bad I would have stopped everything to be with you, you do know that don't you."

"I thought it would be easier, I thought that retirement would be easy and being married to you – I've never wanted anything more."

"But being married to me isn't as good as you imagined it?" She asked concerned, trying to control her voice as much as possible.

"It's just difficult, you can be so distant Clarisse."

She closed her eyes and bit her lip, she already knew this.

"I never know what you want from me, sometimes I'm not sure if I'm in the way."

"Oh never, never, never." She kissed his forehead repeatedly, struggling to find the words to make everything good again.

With some effort he pulled himself up and sat on the edge of the couch. His distance stung Clarisse; he never pulled away when she kissed him.

"Joseph," her voice was deep "If you're finding this, too much, too difficult – I'll understand."

He glanced over at her face. "I could never leave you Clarisse. You must know that."

Inwardly her heart jumped with relief but she showed no sign of it in her expression. "I don't want you to stay because you feel you must, because it's the right thing to do."

He took her hands. "I love you, whatever happens, whatever we argue about, whatever problems we face I'll still love you. Even though there are times you drive me insane."

A slight smile. "And I love you. I know I'm not easy to be around."

"I love being around you, I just wish you were around a little more often. I think I saw more of you as your employee than I do as your husband."

It was her turn to feel the guilt, her eyes stung. "I don't know what to do to make it better. I warned you about this didn't I – I said at the lake I would become this person again. I can't help it."

"But I know beneath this exterior is a wonderful warm funny loving woman, and I don't care what the rest of the world views you as – I need to see her every now and then. I need her to share her life with me. I can't sit around and hope for some slither of emotion Clarisse, as intoxicating as it might be." He reached for her hand. "Don't cry my dear, I couldn't bear that neither."

"I'm sorry." She laid her head back for a second. "And I'm sorry about the vase."

He smiled. "I rather liked that, showed some passion."

"Have you eaten?"

Panicking just for a second Joseph remembered the kiss. "Yes, yes I ate out."

"Okay, good. Will you tell me where you've been all day?"

"Later, I need a shower right now. I feel rather unclean"

"Alright, I'm sorry these past three months have been so difficult for you. It's going to take time... but I will try, I promise you I'm trying."

He nodded his head mutely, her claims were truthful he knew that, she couldn't lie. Yet her reassurances did nothing to ease his mind, perhaps Clarisse wasn't the problem, perhaps he was.

"Must shower." He said simply and squeezed her hand before leaving the room.

It occurred to Clarisse as she lay in bed that it had been over a month now since they'd made love, normally something like that wouldn't bother at all, love wasn't sex and vice versa. But after only three months of marriage it struck her as odd, had she been too busy, too tired or had he? Had he stopped desiring her now, was it that bad he avoided it? No, no it wasn't that.

She folded her hands on top of the sheets and stared at the ceiling, wide-awake waiting for Joseph to come to bed. Something had happened to him, something he wasn't telling her, had she been so preoccupied with Mia that she'd missed it? So intent on making sure her granddaughter successfully succeeded her as Queen that her husband had gradually been slipping away from her. He was different, she hadn't noticed it really until this trip, this time alone together had proven it. Where was his dry wit and sense of humour nowadays? What had happened to that loving romantic man who would dance with her in the ballroom whatever time of night it was? Maybe it wasn't just she who'd left behind some part of her at the lake, maybe he had too.

When he finally came into the room he seemed shocked to find her still awake. He stopped at the bottom of the bed, "I thought you were sleeping."

"And I thought you might be taking the couch again, you were an awfully long time in there."

"Sorry." He said removing his robe and climbing into bed.

He didn't rise to her teasing, usually there would have been a quick response, a gentle moment of fun.

"Goodnight." He kissed her forehead and turned over.

Clarisse sighed and reached for the switch on the lamp. She tried to settle but couldn't, she knew he was awake to she could tell by his breathing. Gently she placed a hand against his back.

"Joseph, talk to me. Tell me where you went today."

"You wouldn't approve." He whispered.

She turned onto her side and moved closer to his body. "Try me."

"I walked, by the Thames."

She waited for more information but he seemed less than forthcoming. "And?"

"And I walked too far, I saw the bad spots of this city."

"I'm sure there are many."

"There are, homeless people, I gave them money. I met a boy, can't have been more than thirteen begging on the streets. Abused, I don't know."

"Abused? How did you know that?"

"Something he said, sexual I think, prostitution."

"Good god. That happened this afternoon?"

"This morning."

"And you never told me when you came back, you never said."

"You were upset, I scared you in the shower. And, what was the point, it didn't seem relevant."

"It was relevant to you, it hurt you."

"Yes it did."

"Joseph..." She insisted holding onto his shoulder until he turned onto his back and she could see his face. She leant over him as he spoke.

"I can't help but see all this." He gestured around the room. "And then going out there and seeing that, I seemed such a hypocrite. We have so much."

"And yet people out there can have so little, I know that."

"The difference is you grew up that way, you had your entire childhood to deal with that fact. I didn't."

"You never talk about your childhood."

"There isn't much to tell, short and sweet. I started working at twelve. Amateur boxing at fourteen. Hence these..." he held up his knuckles and indicated a couple of scars. "It was only because of my Uncle hearing about some training group that I got out, I trained to go in the army, got turned down for the overseas position I wanted but instead got offered a job in security. Few years in one place then I realised if I wanted to travel I needed to learn another language, so I took French classes in the evening. Was posted there a couple of years later, learnt another language went to another place... familiar pattern."

"Your parents, your brothers? You never speak of them, you didn't even want me to go with you to visit your brother in Spain."

"My parents died many, many years ago Clarisse, I hardly knew them at all I think. As for Rico, I didn't want you to go with me last month because I wasn't sure how he'd react to our marriage."

"And how did he react, the truth Joseph don't tell me he's fine and the family will visit at Christmas because if he was really fine he would have taken me up on my offer to stay at the palace sooner."

"Rico doesn't do holidays, doesn't like to travel very far at all. He's younger than me, he has a family, he works hard – struggles. Probably cheats on his wife, drinks too much by far, that could have been me."

"But it isn't."

"He doesn't like royals, doesn't like rich people in general. We got into a fight whilst I was there; he threw me out of the house on the first night. The next day we got into a real fight."

"Physical?" He nodded. "Why?" She couldn't imagine anything winding Joe up so much it would result in him lashing out violently.

"You, it was over you. Spoilt little rich girl, from a different side of the street, doesn't know us – thinks she's better than us. You married somebody like that..."

Clarisse winced. "He might like me if we meet."

"I wouldn't want you to meet him, wouldn't want you in the same room as him. You're a different class."

"And there in lies the problem."

"I didn't mean socially, I meant your standards, your manner... Clarisse look at you, the way you walk and talk, the places you inhabit, the things you've seen and drunk and eaten my family don't even know exist. They weren't all as lucky as I was along the way."

"I'd like to help, if money's the problem..."

"They'd throw it back at you, they did at me. Few years ago I offered to buy their house, have it renovated, it was too much for me to waltz back into town and expect them to accept me for my tailored suits, fancy car and the way I've trained myself to speak."

"Why have you never told me this? I knew your family wasn't rich, I knew about your background, did you think I'd be ashamed of it?"

"Maybe, I was ashamed of it. And I was devastated, to go out there so full of hope and joy and wanting my family to share in it and they throw it back at me. They're ashamed of me for marrying you."

"Is that what you meant earlier, when you said..."

"I didn't mean that, I was angry. I apologise for it. I wouldn't change this for anything, being with you, it's not the role, it's not the splendour and the palace and luxury – it's you. Something in me just connects with you, draws me to you."

"I know, I feel the same. I've never had it with anybody but you."

He nodded; suddenly tired and weary he closed his eyes.

Her mouth rested on his, very gently; no real pressure to the kiss just a moment's touch. He opened his eyes again wishing he could see her face in the dark, so beautiful. She kissed him again, harder this time, moving her lips against his. He responded, his body responded instinctively to her touch. This was no sleazy barmaid whose name he barely knew; this was Clarisse, his wife, his love. He was coming alive again.

She pulled back from the kiss and he was uncertain what she was planning but it became clear when her nightgown was thrown across the room and she moved on top of him, pressing her warm body to his. His hands rested on her smooth back and again he closed his eyes welcoming her kiss. She was intoxicating, everything about her, the way it felt to have her heart beating against his chest, her hands moving over his body. He hardly moved, he daren't. She was the one who took his hand and placed it on her breast, the one to initiate the lovemaking, had it been so long without her touch that he'd forgotten how magical it was?

He tried to recall the last time they'd danced and he couldn't. He remembered how she moved when dancing, graceful and sure, when they were alone her hips would take on a seductive sway as she moved in time with him. They fitted together so perfectly, in his weeks of despair he seemed to have forgotten that. She was everything he wanted, there was nothing that could ever fill his soul the way she did. And he argued with her! Was he crazy?

He gripped her waist and turned her onto her back, her legs wrapping around him as he entered her. Nothing mattered now, nothing existed but the love he had and how badly he wanted her to know it.

"Joseph..."

"Hmm."

"Don't feign sleep," she nudged him with her elbow. "Talk to me."

"I was enjoying the moment."

She could sense evidence of a smile in his voice and it lifted her spirits. He turned next to her and slid his arms around her waist.

"If I went over there, nothing fancy just me, wouldn't they appreciate that?"

"Who?" He mumbled sleepily burying his face in her shoulder.

"Your family."

"Clarisse, let it go."

"Never, this is your family, part of you."

"You're my family." He enforced the meaning by squeezing her stomach.

"Hey, don't do that, I'm getting fat."

"Never." He kissed her neck; this was one of his favourite positions to hold her. Her back to his stomach, his mouth able to reach her neck, the smell of her skin – how her scent surrounded him and invaded each and every sense. And his hands could wander anywhere as she lay wrapped up in his arms.

"So now will you tell me what you've been doing for the past two days apart from causing me grief of course."

"Dreaming of having moments like this with you again."

"Be serious."

"I've done a hell of a lot of walking, in the freezing cold. Visited Parliament, took a ride on the London eye."

"You have been busy."

"No, too much time on my hands to dwell on things. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you – the other day. I should have been."

"That isn't your job anymore."

"And that's harder to deal with than I thought it would be."

She twisted her neck to look at him. "How do you mean? You never said."

"There didn't seem to be a point."

"But if that's what's making you so depressed then... oh I really am blind at times, I never noticed, it never even occurred to me."

"You've been busy – as usual."

"Joseph..."

"There's no need to apologise for it, I know your lifestyle Clarisse. I entered into this with eyes wide open; I just never stopped to consider how my life might change. Not having a valid reason for watching you every second of the day is a bit of a drawback..." He was teasing her.

"Don't make light of it, not now."

She turned in his arms and rested a hand on his face. "That sparkle seems to have disappeared, I never imagined this goldfish bowl would stifle you. I guess I simply thought you'd be there, polite and witty and charming whoever we had dinner with, handling the press alongside me. It never come to mind that perhaps you would find it difficult. You're in the position I was in when Rupert was alive."

"The tag-along. Only not as regal."

This time she smiled at his joke. "If you'd told me, I've you'd only approached me about it..."

"When Clarisse?"

She looked away for a second, it was difficult to accept the fact that she'd not only ignored this situation with Joseph but her silence had escalated it.

"Being in a relationship like this..." she considered her words, searching for a way to try and explain to him. "Marriage with you is an entirely different thing. Marriage to me before was about responsibility and obligation, thinking of what was best for King and country. I've done it my entire life and now suddenly there's somebody else to consider, somebody who means more to me than anything..."

"Clarisse."

"I need to say this, I want to share it all with you. And in time yes I will step down completely and it will all be in Mia's hands but right now, this isn't that time. But I need you with me, I need your support. I'll do everything I can to try and make it easier, to help adjust..."

"You say that now."

"I mean it."

"But then things change, timetables take over and meetings and somehow along the way, meeting me for a dinner date doesn't seem all that important."

"It's the most important, believe me. You've changed my life in so many ways; we just have to work at this. Didn't you tell me that not too long ago."

"I did, when I said it I foolishly didn't consider how lonely palace life could be for a retired aging man."

"I'll employ you again." She smiled before kissing him. "And you're not aging. I hate to see you like this... so distant. It's not like you."

"I know, can't seem to shake this feeling though, inadequacy, smallness – not having to work."

"Why don't you teach the Staff to dance."

"That's not a half bad idea."

"It was a joke, but if you feel you want to..."

"I could teach the children, part of Mia's initiative with them."

She smiled proudly, some sense of the man she knew slowly returning. "I think that's a wonderful idea. Mia would love your help."

He grinned before leaning forward and kissing her. "Sorry for being a complete bastard this week."

"I'd never call you that!" She raised an eyebrow in disapproval. "But apology accepted."

"Guess I should apologise to a few others too – Toby for one, that guy from the other night."

"Arthur, he's probably forgotten by now, it only takes a couple of drinks. But yes, Toby. Poor young man, scared to death by the former Head of Security." She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Not too mention the best security I've ever had."

"In what sense?"

"In every sense." She kissed him ardently to emphasise her point. "You could do anything you wanted to Joseph, there are endless possibilities."

"But the negative side of me says it's not that simple."

"But then what if it is..."

"I don't ever want to go through another week like this one, some trip hey."

"Tomorrow I'm all yours, anything you want to do, anyplace you want to go."

Though he was warming to the idea a tiny voice still had to sneer, a day, you're getting an entire day!

But he smiled. "You're face is too well known to wander around Trafalgar Square with the pigeons."

"Then I'll wear a scarf and dark glasses, if I can wander around San Francisco, then I'll try London. Besides I have you by my side."

"We sure know how to argue..." He said ruefully.

"Haven't we always. I vividly recall a rather heated argument over whether or not you were required on a routine trip to France."

"Ahh but that wasn't entirely security, more that I was going through a stage when I couldn't stand to let you out of my sight. Protector of the King and lusting after his Queen, they weren't happy days."

"For me neither." She said sympathetically. "But we have each other now, and I'm damned if I'm going to let it slip away from me."

An urge rose inside his belly like fire and he covered her body with his own kissing her face repeatedly, she was laughing but eagerly accepted his worship.

"I remember you said something to me, a song." His face was just above hers, whispering to her in the dark.

"What did I say?" It surprised just how husky her voice sounded.

"You said, you are in my blood like holy wine, and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet. I could drink a case of you and still I'd be on my feet."

She smiled. "I remember..."

"I hear those words all the time."