Chapter 5: I Shall Believe
Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be all right
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe
That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it oughta be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say, honestly, you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe
"I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow
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"Don't be silly." Simple, right?
It's stupid, I can't even look her in the face as I lie to her. I'm a grown woman, she's only a girl! I've lied my way through tougher business transactions than this without batting an eye! And yet, I don't betray Amon's faith, I brush off her question lightly and tell Robin it's nothing. But… am I really lying to her? Is it all really nothing?
And yet, as she answers her communicator and talks to Amon, I can't help but listen in. I know it's adolescent, wanting to hear even a tinny version of his deadpan voice, but I do. Robin smiles wanly, hating to miss even the bare minimum of the fuel I call coffee, and heads out the door.
I slump against the counter, the charade over. I hate sneaking around. I don't mind being subtle, in fact, that's one of my strong points, but hiding our relationship from even Robin, I admit, is pretty sad. It's not like we're celebrities or anything, or even that we're coworkers. I hate to say it, but I know what it is: he's ashamed. Maybe not of me, but ashamed that he has the normal human capacity to feel, to have emotions, perhaps even to love. Well, okay, maybe not so far as "love," but perhaps a perverse fondness. Lust. Like? Whatever it is, I don't care. But he cares. He cares about the wrong thing.
And the reason why I still want to be with him? Maybe I'm just a glutton for punishment. What's the word, ah, "masochist." Yeah, that's it. Or I just don't know how to be in a normal relationship, period. He snaps his fingers, and, like a puppy, I come. No, that's not the right analogy, I've never been frisky or naïve like a puppy with men. No, like a moth to a flame, I know he will be the death of me, but still, I can't help but fly close to the flames. And his flames aren't hot, which would normally warn me off, but ice cold, so cold it burns.
I shiver, and then glance at the clock. Oh no, I'm about to be late for my own job. Damn it.
I dial for a taxi, even though it will cost me dearly, and I make it in time to hear my supervisor chew out someone for inadequate funding for a particular project. I can't believe I was this close to letting some silly adolescent-like daydream interfere with my job. Soon, I'm caught up in another business deal that takes up all my time and attention, and I don't realize how many days it's been since I've thought about or seen Amon.
It's only when my cell chirps that I see a familiar number sequence and my heart, I'm sorry to say, leaps. "Yes?" I ask, hoping I don't sound as breathless as I feel.
He picks me up at a halfway point between his location and my job, and I meet him there, wondering why I feel like even our seemingly innocuous meetings have a cloak-and-dagger aspect to them. I step into his car, looking calmly out the window, and we wind up at his place. It isn't long before our clothes are in a heap on the floor once the lock clicks shut, and I know the gentle lovemaking a few days prior was a fluke. He half-carries me to the bedroom, but my body is aching for him, and we don't quite make it to the bed before I lose control. Savagely, he throws me on the bed, and I almost giggle at the intense look he gives me along with his Neanderthal-like behavior, before his talented hands and mouth take over my bare body.
Automatically, I grab at his well-muscled back, unfortunately hidden by all those layers of dramatic black clothes he's prone to wear. A lusty scream wrenches itself from my throat, and he covers my mouth with his possessively. Any coherent thoughts flee my mind as we spiral into the madness that only our joining bodies can make sense of.
Episode 7: "Simple Mind"