Alas, we are coming to an end. This will be concluded within a few more chapters. After all, there are always sequels if I get bored again.
XXIX
It took a few days to get everything arranged, but bright and early (by his standards) on a Saturday morning, Spinner dragged himself out of bed to take Ellie on an outing of no more than two hours.
Ellie was waiting, dressed in her own clothing--they'd finally allowed it, although she wasn't allowed to keep her shoes in her room, or have anything remotely dangerous--and raring to go. She'd been ready for a good hour when Spinner finally showed up at one o'clock.
Dr. Cavanaugh gave them each a few numbers in case of emergency, then with a warning look at Ellie, bade them farewell. Spinner escorted Ellie to his car, and that was when the trouble began.
Ellie had been expecting him to take her out for a meal, so she had passed up lunch at the hospital. While she didn't particularly mind not eating, Spinner was offended that she had assumed he would pay for such a thing. It took her a few moments and several kisses to convince him she was sorry.
He drove them to a secluded area just outside of the city, and after talking for precisely two minutes, started to tug on her skirt. She took his hand in her own.
"Stop," she said quietly.
"Oh come on," he said. "I've been waiting forever." He reached for her shirt this time.
"No." He rolled his eyes.
"Well will you at least--"
"No!"
"But you're good at it..." He used his best cajoling voice which, Ellie realized, was quite pathetic--and had been all along. She couldn't believe that she'd ever fallen for it.
"I can't do this anymore," she said. "When I slept with Sean, he made me feel beautiful. I felt safe with him, like nothing could hurt me. And maybe that's cliched, but cliches exist for a reason. You don't care about me, Spinner. You care about your hormones. You care about sex and blow jobs and whatever else you can manipulate me into. And, I'll admit it, I chose to go along with it. I don't blame you for that. But I'm through with this. Take me back to the hospital, please."
He shook his head. "Get out," he said.
"What are you...?"
"Get out!" He pushed at her shoulder, and she finally had the sense to obey. She opened the car door, hopped out, and a moment later, he was gone.
She stood there for a moment, completely stunned, before she started the hike back to Toronto. It took her forty-five minutes to reach a pay phone, and when she did, her mind went blank. Finally she remembered the paper in her pocket, and pulled it out. Dr. Cavanaugh's office number was first on the list.
"Okay, Ellie, you can do this." She muttered the words to herself, not quite believing them, but before she had time to think about what she was doing, she had dialed.
The psychiatrist picked up midway through the first ring. "Dr. Judith Cavanaugh, how may I help you?" The words were automatic. There was a long silence. "Hello?"
"Um..." Ellie said finally. It wasn't a brilliant start. Dr. Cavanaugh recognized her voice, and saved her some hassle.
"Ellie. Where are you? What's going on?" She knew that if Ellie was calling, she was desperate.
"It's kind of a long story. I'm at a pay phone in front of, um..." She twisted around to look at the sign behind her. "In front of the Quik Pik. A convenience store. I'm okay, but..."
"I'll have someone get you right away. Just stay there, okay? It'll be fine." After Ellie promised to do so, the doctor hung up. A few minutes later, a yellow Volkswagen Beetle pulled into the lot, and a hand waved Ellie over.
Hesitantly, she approached the vehicle. The door opened and Dr. Cavanaugh stepped out. "I was on my lunch break," she said. "So I thought I'd come get you myself. Hop in." Ellie gave her a slightly confused look, but did as she was told. To her surprise, the doctor didn't immediately head for the hospital. "From the looks of things, you had a less than stellar outing," she said. "Want to tell me what happened?"
Ellie started to shake her head, then realized that suddenly, she did. "Spinner and I broke up," she said quietly. "I dumped him. He wasn't exactly happy about that. I just couldn't do it anymore. All he wanted was sex. He didn't care if I enjoyed it or felt loved or safe and at the time that was okay with me."
"What changed?"
Ellie glanced down for a minute, then over at the doctor. "Everything," she said. "I'm just sick of all of this. Sick of being miserable. Sick of putting myself after everyone else. I mean, I can't say that I honestly one hundred percent believe that I'm wonderful, but it was either kill myself, or fix things. And since I'm not really fond of breaking promises, I went with the second option. Or at least tried to."
Dr. Cavanaugh nodded, trying to be careful not to ruin Ellie's sudden willingness to talk.
"I'm scared," Ellie said, her voice barely audible. "Terrified. I don't want to be like this forever. I--I started drinking, too. I don't want to turn into my mother. But..." She blinked back tears and wrapped her arms around herself. Dr. Cavanaugh pulled into an empty parking lot.
"But what?" She took off her seatbelt and twisted to face Ellie.
"It's easy," Ellie said. "Cutting is easy. Drinking is easy. Having sex with someone I've known for a week is even easy. Doing this--talking--isn't. I don't even know how, half the time. I can hardly wrap my head around the concept of telling someone all the intimate details of my life. The only reason I'm doing it right now is because I'm forcing myself not to think about it." She abruptly shut her mouth.
"How much do you want it? How much do you want to beat this thing and be happy again? Because that's what it's going to come down to. I mean, we can have you in and out of hospitals until you're eighteen at which point we can't really force it, or you can fight your way out of this."
There was a long silence, and Dr. Cavanaugh had almost decided that Ellie wasn't going to respond. She reached for her keys, ready to drive them back to the hospital.
"I want it."