Disclaimer: Bow to Tolkien. Worship.
A/N: Sorry for the lack of updates. *solemn* I have no reasons. Hang me and proclaim me guilty! Otherwise, dropping a review, adding me to your favourites lists or flaming the living Muses out of me might work, too. *grin*
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Glorfindel sat with the others in a room that night, sitting as far away from the door as possible. There were occasional sounds drifting past the corridor, ranging from Vivaldi to Rob Zombie, and needless to say the entire noble family and their associates had moved into Elrond's sitting room to try and flee from Allesa's frightening musical tastes.
Glorfindel glumly played with the stem of his wine glass and, for the lack of a better word, flopped backwards into his chair. Grimly setting an expression born of resignation on his features, he turned to Legolas.
'What, exactly, do they mean when they proclaim one of... them to be a rabid fangirl?'
There was a still in conversation as all the elves pondered the question. Elladan helpfully shrugged, taking a sip of the miruvor.
'Maybe they mean that they are ill,' he put in with more mirth than conviction.
'Mentally ill,' his twin happily contributed. Glorfindel did not look amused. Erestor smiled to himself at the look on his friend's face.
'They do have a point,' the advisor said, earning himself a death glare. Elrond mused quietly to himself.
'Maybe we should invent a vaccine,' the lord of Imladris proclaimed with absolute seriousness. Glorfindel threw a grape at him. Elrond caught it and popped it into his mouth, smiling smugly. Legolas looked slyly at the elder elf lord and stood, causing the occupants of the room to look at him curiously.
'Perhaps it would be best if Allesa could demonstrate...'
Before anyone could move, the agile Mirkwood elf had flung the door open with much dramatic pomp and yelled out,
'Allesa! Help! Legolas has fallen out of the window!'
Utterly absurd, but the reactions that followed that one outburst were interesting, to say the least.
There was a sound of glass breaking and an unearthly shriek, and a door slammed somewhere. Glorfindel paled, his flaxen hair suddenly appearing most vibrant, and looked wildly about for a means of escape. Legolas looked most smug, leaning against the door frame with casual ease, his arms folded one above the other as he held the door open for the arrival of the Mary Sue.
Not more than fifty seconds later, Allesa flung herself into the room, hair wild and eyes rolling, looking for all the world like a rabid horse. Spinning about in a most undignified manner, she scanned the room, gesticulating wildly.
'Legolas?! Where? Where has he gone? What has happened?'
The real Legolas, safe in his assumed identity, pointed out of the window, which was no more than a meter off the ground outside. It faced Celebrian's rose bushes, which, due to the unfortunate (hack) change of weather, as the Author felt an attraction to winter, were bare but still very, very thorny. With a distressed voice that would have done any fairy tale damsel proud, Legolas threw a hand over his eyes, acting as if he were born for the stage. Oddly enough, Glorfindel was missing from the room.
'How trrrragggic! Lord Legolas,' there he could barely keep his face straight, 'Has accidentally flung himself out of the winddooooow!'
Even Elrond had to admit that the trill that Legolas but into the word window would have done any teacher proud, he enunciation and pronunciation perfect to the point where Erestor wanted to clap and throw flowers at the prince. Allesa shrieked, turning to Elladan and gripping him by the collar, shaking the stunned More-Than-Half-Elf with amazing strength.
'Is it true? Please tell me it is not true!'
There was a pained moan from outside the window, even though it sounded nothing like Glorfindel. Elladan, immediately acting his own part, nodded with a somber face more fit for a funeral.
'I am afraid so, Lady Allesa. He might have broken something, even.'
Elrohir fought back a snigger. 'Like a fingernail,' he whispered to his father. Allesa unceremoniously dumped Elladan, who had done a brilliant job of keeping a straight face while being lifted out of his chair by his shirt, back into his seat and rounding on the younger twin.
'What? He broke something?'
Elrohir straightened and sighed, as if bemoaning the loss of a good man.
'Maybe a leg. Or two.'
Allesa made a whimpering sound. Erestor, positively amazed by the show that was going on, recklessly threw himself into the fray.
'Oh, the Lord Thranduil would be most upset! Imagine how he would feel about the fact that the crown prince, who has yet to take a bride, has mortally injured himself while falling out of a window! Middle Earth could not possibly stand such a loss!'
Aragorn managed a false but rather realistic sounding moan of sorrow, falling out of his chair and making a huge display of pouring what remained of his glass of wine down his throat in the ultimate portrayal of a man gone mad with grief. Clutching at Allesa's shirt, the king flung his wild hair (royalty had not managed to change the ways of Strider of Bree) about his shoulders and pleaded with the other human.
'Please! PLEASE save my friend who is so close to my heart!'
Legolas had to lift a hand to his mouth a feign a sob of horror to conceal his snort. Gimli stood, intent on pushing the Sue to her limits.
'The fool elf! How could he do such a Valar damned stupid thing like that?'
Allesa rounded on him with a look that made her seem like a balrog reborn in a humanoid form.
'Legolas is not stupid! You freak! You bearded, stunted freak!'
She lunged forward, fingernails flashing. Frodo flung himself in the way of danger, falling on his side and pretending to weep.
'Can you hear Legolas sobbing outside the window, Glorfindel?'
"Glorfindel" closed the door and nodded solemnly. There was a wail that sounded more like a Nazgul moan than anything else from the windowsill.
'He sounds as if he were in great pain.'
The moans increased threefold. Legolas painted a anxious look on his face.
'Oh, won't anybody save him?'
That set Allesa off. A grim look on her face, she shouted most exuberantly.
'I must go.'
Elrond nodded sagely.
'We shall prepare this room for his arrival. We will have to shut the window immediately, to prevent any other accidents from happening, but alas that the only other route to the gardens have been closed for replanting.'
Allesa's face was the perfect picture of honourable self-sacrifice.
'I will do it. For Legolas.'
She then threw herself out of the window. There was a sound of breaking bushes and the howls of a female as she was poked by no few thorns. Silence reigned in the room as Elrond shut the windows and latched them. Lindir walked in through the door, and Legolas latched and bolted it.
Erestor turned to the minstrel and looked simply at him for a moment.
'You are a most talented ventriloquist, Lindir,' he quietly praised.
Silence.
Glorfindel burst out of Elrond's closet, entangled in his Lord's purple robes of office.
'I hate you, Legolas,' he swore, attempting to stand and remove the offending cloth from his body. The entire room burst out laughing. The golden haired Eldar glared at them. 'I am glad you find my suffering amusing.'
Erestor went over to help his friend. Lindir threw himself onto the couch, sitting next to Faramir.
'How long do you think it will take her to remove herself from the rose bushes? I had a hard time myself,' the bard said with false arrogance peppering his smooth voice. Elrond snorted.
'I am not to sure. We were letting the bushes grow, since we are going to prune them in a number of weeks anyhow.'
Elrohir smirked.
'I doubt you will need to prune naneth's rose bushes for a while now, Ada,' the younger of the twins offered. The older elf chuckled.
'If I have any bushes left after she has finished searching for "Legolas".'
Legolas bowed in acknowledgement. Faramir shook his head.
'You elves are all insane.'
'It comes with years of nothing but boredom and alcohol, my friend,' the Mirkwood elf said. Aragorn laughed.
'You would know.'
Legolas made a valiant effort at looking affronted, and failed.
'So Ada has the largest wine cellars from here to Aman. That does not mean anything.'
There was a howl from outside, and the plaintive sounds of Allesa going "Legolas? Where are you?". Aragorn's lips turned up in a dry smile.
'Of course not.'