ChapTER 2

Starsky

I woke up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and Hutch staring out the window. I'd fallen asleep on the sofa, and although I'd only slept for a couple of hours, I felt more relaxed and refreshed than I had for some time. I felt the comfort of Hutch's presence and it brought me a sense of peace that had been missing for awhile. I knew we still had some talking to do and, although I was still riddled with doubts about my job, I did feel back in sync with my partner. I was truly glad that he was insisting on being my back-up and would be attending the briefing.

"Hey, blintz! Whattya thinkin'?" I was surprised to see how he jumped. "Where were ya?"

"Starsk. Sorry, just thinking."

"Must be heavy stuff." I pulled myself up, intending to get myself a cup of coffee. Before I got too far, Hutch gave me another mug.

"Figured you'd be awake soon. Here you go." I took it gratefully and found myself watching him. He looked a little strained, until he grinned at me, then the signs of strain vanished.

"Wanna share?" I sensed that he still had things he wanted to talk to me about and I wasn't going to discourage him. It was more than high time that we laid the cards on the table for each other.

"Starsk, I need you to tell me something. I need you to tell me why you've been keeping all these doubts to yourself, why you haven't been calling me after nightmares..."

"Whoa! I thought you understood. I was a little worried, and I didn't really know how to explain this myself.

"I do understand what you've been thinking, but I don't remember you telling me why you hadn't mentioned this." He came to sit next to me. I looked into his eyes, which was a mistake. I could never hold out against that direct stare.

"Um, told ya, Hutch, you're gettin' married." I was uneasy about this and hoped we wouldn't have an argument at this point.

"Did Louise ever say anything to you?" We were on decidedly uneasy ground now.

"No, Hutch. Why would you think that?"

"She had some things to say to me today, accusing me of mothering you. I know for a fact that you don't call me when you have nightmares anymore, and as things seem to be the same between us, I can only assume that it's Louise's presence in my life that's stopped you. Then you throw all this at me, about your doubts. Doubts about being my partner-- My God, Starsk, you've kept a lot to yourself. We've never had secrets before and all of a sudden you have lots. I need to know if Louise has said anything to you. Please, Starsk!"

"You're gonna marry her, Hutch. It's only natural that she'd want you to herself. The answer is no --she didn't say anythin' to me, it's just kinda obvious, ya know?" I wasn't lying to him. Louise had never said anything to me outright, and I didn't think it fair to mention what was just my gut feelings on the matter and the possibility that she hadn't passed on phone messages from me.

"Promise me, Starsk?" I was startled that Hutch needed more reassurance and decided I should be totally honest with him. We didn't have time for games anymore.

"Okay, Hutch. Here it is. She never said anything to me, but I kinda get the feelin' sometimes that she'd prefer that I wasn't around. She's always a lot nicer to me when you're around; when you're not, she's quite cold. But, Hutch, this is just my feelin's. I could be wrong."

"There's something that you're not telling me." God, how did he do it? How did he see straight through me?

"You remember Huggy's birthday a couple of weeks ago? When I left early 'cause I could hardly keep my eyes open? The reason was I'd had a nightmare the night before and you guessed! Never know how ya do that blintz." I sighed. "You're upset with me for not callin' ya. Well, I had phoned ya, and Louise answered the phone. I kinda figured that she hadn't told ya...'specially when you didn't mention anything 'bout why you didn't come around." My voice trailed off at the expression on Hutch's face.

"Starsk! Why didn't you tell me?" I could see him thinking further.

"Why wasn't I there? I would've come by. I must have--oh blast, I remember! I had indigestion and went out to the drugstore to get some tablets. Why didn't she tell me you called? You know I would've been there..." I saw the look in his eyes and realized there was going to be a scene between Hutch and Louise. I'd figured she hadn't told him, but until this moment, I think I'd assumed it had been an oversight. I sighed. I hadn't wanted to ruin things for Hutch and hoped that things would work out. I couldn't blame her for loving Hutch, but she'd made a huge miscalculation if she'd decided to mess with our friendship. I loved him enough to give him space and time to be with her, but if she decided she wanted him all the time and tried to control him, then she was going to learn a hard lesson. The one positive thing I'd learned through the Gunther shooting and my long recovery was how much Hutch did love me. I'd always known this, but never felt it as strongly as I had as I fought back to recover my strength and my health. He never had to say it, his constant presence and unstinting patience during my irritability and depression more than proved it. The expression on his face now showed it, and I realized that Louise was going to get a shock.