Disclaimer: Tolkien's, not mine.
A/N: Again, a thousand million apologies for the not-updating. School is being bad again.
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It was another nondescript day, as the Author had deemed it, when the first Random Plot Device came galloping, literally, into Rivendell.
The Random Plot Device was actually a pseudo elf (Authors were wonderful that way) made out to look as if he had come from Mirkwood. The colours of his uniform (Glorfindel had almost choked on his morning tea when he saw the RPD) were, admittedly, a bit off the usual browns and greens (Erestor had commented that mustard yellow only meant that the Author was beyond colour-blind, not ignorant), but he turned out passably well for an original character.
Well, that is, until he opened his mouth and attempted to speak.
The Random Plot Device had jumped off his horse in blatant imitation of the Movie, before striking a pose that would have done any sea-faring adventurer proud and exclaimed: "Where is Lord Elrond?"
This had only garnered him plenty of odd looks and resigned sighs, so he tried again. Stomping a foot in front of his horse (which scurried backwards), he declared once more: "Where is Lord Elrond?"
Considering that the elves around him were paying him, the Random Plot Device, who was standing in the middle of the courtyard in mustard yellow and, to be a little crass, excretion brown, posing with one arm raised in the air and glaring at everyone with fierce determination, absolutely no attention at all, RPD (as we now will know him) gave up and began to dig about furiously in his saddle-bag. After a good long moment (which involved him throwing out, amongst a good number of things, a lurid purple hairbrush, two horseshoes and a firecracker), RPD finally whipped out a small book, of which was printed on the cover: Sindarin For Beginners.
A nearby elf, upon seeing the cover, used a hand to conceal uncontrollable sniggers that he deemed most un-elf-like before hurrying away in the opposite direction, no doubt to warn the administration of the on-coming disaster. Everyone else in the vicinity, however, was not as lucky, and almost had their ears seared off by what followed.
'Gwaith!' he exclaimed in a loud voice, with pronunciation that fell about him in little shards of broken glass. 'Lasto,' there he paused, looked down from his pose, and began to turn the pages furiously, 'Beth nin!' (1) he exclaimed triumphantly, sending his phrase book a smug look of victory. Elves around him began to back away. Undaunted (and oblivious), he went on. 'Gerin tolo an Elrond!' (2)
That caused a lot of people to break out into coughing fits, which confused RPD muchly.
'What?' RPD snapped irritably, patience at its end. 'Am I saying something funny?'
Lindir, from where he had been observing from a low second level bridge-cum-balcony, waved a finely-boned hand at him and muffled a snigger.
'No, no,' the bard responded in perfect Common (which was, of course, not English, but the Author was being Omnipotent again and had Demanded It To Be So [and so it was]). He leaned a little bit over the bar and called out: 'You're doing fine. Go on!'
'You speak Common?' RPD emoted, shock evident in his slightly discordant voice. Lindir suppressed a wince and laughed lightly.
'It's all in your mind, mellon-nin.'
That simple phrase sent RPD flipped madly through Sindarin For Beginners once more. Lindir had to bite his lip to restrain himself. 'What is your...' A sudden bout of inspiration struck the white-haired elf, and he nonchalantly threw a Sindarin word in. 'Eneth?' (3)
It took RPD a good few minutes to flip to "E" (because his Tengwar was horrible and he kept going backwards), and by that time, Glorfindel had managed to relocate himself by his friend's side, bracing himself on the rail at Lindir's left while Erestor stood by his free side. Elrond stood behind his seneschal, taking in the scene with a raised eyebrow. When RPD finally looked up, waving his phrase book around violently with that painfully self-satisfied look on his face, Erestor had already written a script down and passed it to Lindir.
RPD seemed oblivious to the fact that some of the most powerful (and irritated) elves for a good few miles around were staring down at him from a balcony. He was also completely unaware that his horse had begun to gnaw through his saddlebag, searching for the sugar cubes it knew that were hidden there. RPD blinked once, twice, then shrugged.
'I,' he declared pompously, causing Elrond to mutter 'definitely one of Thranduil's', 'am Random Plot Device.'
The elves on the balcony blinked once, twice, then shrugged.
'Are you sure, Random Plot Device?' Erestor asked with the practised decorum of an elf who had dealt with thousands of years worth of idiots and had decided that he could spare that little bit for one more. Elrond and Glorfindel were the only two who could tell that the advisor was laughing quietly. RPD pulled out a sheet of printed paper and run his finger down the list.
'Age... Hair colour... Eye colour... Weight... Breast si-- Wait, it says here "not applicable"... Regulation tunic size... Ah, here we go, "name".'
Glorfindel pulled the corners of his errant lips back down in a desperate attempt not to snort. Erestor, with the soft tone of voice that Elrond had learnt to fear, peered a little lower down and stretched out a delicate hand towards RPD. 'May I see that?' he inquired with all the sincerity of a hangman questioning the identity of his already-fitted victim. Erestor tightened the noose just that little bit more by smiling.
RPD looked a little bewildered, blinking once, twice, but since his simple operating system was not preformatted to contend with the sheer scariness of one sadistic Erestor, he consented and attempted to hand the printout upwards to the advisor, who discreetly retracted his hand just that little bit, causing RPD to fall short.
'Oh dear,' Erestor muttered without the least hint of regret, 'How inconvenient. Perhaps if you braced yourself on your horse...? I would come down myself, but I am in a state. I believe I left my flower garland in my room, and I couldn't possibly allow Lord Elrond to see that, now could I?' He sent RPD a sickeningly sweet smile that would have sent any other sane creature running for the nearest twenty foot deep hole. RPD nodded his head seriously.
'I understand. Lord Thranduil himself cannot abide appearing without the appropriate flower crown.'
From behind Erestor, Elrond rolled his eyes and thanked Illuvatar that he was not the father of Legolas, thank Manwe. He then stepped forward, a benighted smile on his face.
'Of course not, my lord Evalielriel, as your...' There Elrond raised his eyebrows just that little bit higher. 'Squire, I could never allow that.' His dry response and fake name-calling flew complacently over RPD's rather thick head.
'Oh, Zamboomfiel,' Erestor demurred equally as quickly, batting his eyelashes at his "squire", causing the elves on the balcony all to snigger uncontrollably. Glorfindel called upon all his years of experience in maintaining a straight face to prevent himself from laughing. Next to him, he felt Lindir's grip on the railing tighten almost imperceptibly. RPD, utterly lost and taken in, moved towards his horse, which feigned ignorance, and mounted it.
'My lords Evalielriel and Zamboomfiel,' he called, 'It is good to have met you under stars such as these!'
Erestor and Elrond turned to look at each other, then simultaneously looked upwards at the very sunny sky. As one, they faced RPD. The Original Character Elf coloured dramatically.
'I mean,' he stuttered, desperately looking for a way out of his self-imposed dilemma. Suddenly striking upon inspiration, he flung his arm outwards to Glorfindel and Lindir in a wild gesticulation. 'And you are...?' he digressed with about as much subtlety as... as...
The narrative sighed and decided that RPD was simply beyond comparison, so it just gave up and let the Plot flow on.
Anyhow, RPD hollered towards Glorfindel and Lindir, swaying perilously in his saddle and waving his arms (his right hand of which still clutched his Character Printout) about to keep his balance.
'I am,' Glorfindel considered, 'I am --'
'Legolas,' Lindir cut in smoothly. 'Don't you recognize your own prince?'
'Oh my Legolas,' RPD exclaimed, almost collapsing into himself as he attempted to half-bow. 'I mean, oh my Eru! My heartfelt apologies, your highness!'
Glorfindel glared at Lindir while simultaneously wondering precisely when "Legolas" had turned into a religious exclamation. 'It is of no matter,' he ground out, sending Lindir to Mandos and back with his stare. 'This good elf here is Caborthûl.' (4)
'My lords,' RPD half-bowed again, causing his horse to skitter in fear. He managed, one way or another, to edge his slow, painful way to the balcony, and thrust his printout very enthusiastically into Erestor's face. The advisor accepted the printout between his index finger and thumb, smiling dangerously at the ridiculous excuse for a character below him. He centred the sheet between the four elves, and as one they read through it.
Karacter: Random Plot Device
Age: 4872
Hair colour: Beutiful, sunne,
yellow-blond with red hi-lights.
Eye colour: Marvolos see-green.
Weight: As light as a fairther.
Breast Size: Not applecable.
Name: Random Plot Device
Height: As tall as the farest
of them all.
Erestor and the other three elves stopped reading at the same time, the sheer disorganized mess and terrible spelling enough to cause their heads to spin.
'Very... detailed, this,' the advisor mumbled, causing RPD's face to light up in happiness like a incandescent light bulb, with flickering tungsten filaments reflecting the multitude of red highlights in his shining, beautiful, yellow-blond hair. Glorfindel almost retched. Erestor shut his eyes and quickly shoved the sheet back at Random Plot Device. 'Very good, very good, yes, yes,' he muttered, trying to remove the badly spelled words that had etched themselves painfully onto his retina. The mustard yellow tunic that Random Plot Device wore fluttered nauseatingly.
'Does that mean I can go see Lord Elrond?'
That was a sudden shift in sentence structure and vocabulary, Erestor could not help thinking. Blinking rapidly to prevent himself from doing stupid things, the advisor shoved his shaking hands into the sleeves of his robes and nodded.
'Of course. Now, listen closely to my directions.'
RPD nodded enthusiastically once more, almost bouncing up and down on his poor forgotten horse. Erestor smiled sickly again.
'Lord Elrond's office is cunningly disguised with the deepest of our magics,' Erestor began severely.
'It is very hard to find it,' Glorfindel added.
'Very,' Elrond himself said.
'Very difficult,' Lindir finished.
RPD nodded, and Erestor continued.
'You absolutely cannot open your eyes from the beginning of this exercise, do you understand? If you do, the magic will be lost, and you will find yourself hopelessly lost.'
'And there will be no hot baths,' Glorfindel added.
'Or shampoo,' Elrond said.
'Or soap,' Lindir concluded.
RPD paled considerably and nodded furiously. Erestor shut his eyes as if composing himself.
'You go to that tree there at the beginning of the path, walk three hundred steps forward, four hundred to your right, twenty to your left, then walk ten steps backwards before going fifty-five and a half to your right. After you make contact with a wall, walk four steps backwards, then run forward until you feel yourself becoming weightless.'
'Weightless?' RPD breathed, eyes shining with wonder.
'Weightless,' the four elves chorused.
'I will go immediately.'
'Luck be with you,' they said together.
RPD charged off, almost forgetting to dismount.
Lindir counted quietly to ten after RPD had disappeared, then burst out into laughter.
'Erestor,' Glorfindel gasped quietly, 'Or should I say Evalielriel, that was so terribly cruel.'
'The Bruinen,' Elrond managed between mouthfuls of air. 'You sent him to that swimming spot off the cliff?'
Erestor nodded helplessly, trying hard to stop his shoulders from shaking. 'My... lord... Zamboomfiel,' he stuttered to Elrond, 'You do recall that the younger population of Rivendell had arranged to go there as an outing? Today? With Allesa, or whatever her name is?'
'Oh, you did not...' Lindir swore. Erestor smiled. Glorfindel burst out into another fit of laughter.
Somewhere, somehow, RPD felt the world drop out beneath his feet.
'Lord Elrond!' he shouted joyfully. 'Gerin tolo an Elrond!'
Then he contacted with water, and the world dissolved into the high-pitched screams of elven maids who began throwing rocks at the perverted voyeur.
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1: People! Listen to what I have
to say! (lit: People, listen word me)
2: I have come for Elrond!
3: Name.
4: Frog (cabor) breath (thûl)