Disclaimer: Not mine.
A/N: AHHHHHH! A thousand million apologies to all my reviewers, but life just kicked me in the gut the past few months. Well, I'm back!
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They had fished out the Random Plot Device, and stuck him in one of the smaller sitting rooms. The poor (if our main characters had been one for pity in the first place) character was wrapped in a blanket, shivering. There were wide red marks where he had been hit by pebbles, stones, and in one severe case of pissed off elf-maiden(s), a boulder. Erestor was sitting delicately on the other side of the coffee table, wondering why Eru had named it "coffee table" when they barely drank coffee anyway.
'So,' Erestor said slowly, black eyes glittering. 'What are you?'
'I am Random Plot Device,' RPD said, not sure what else Erestor wanted from him. His big, multi-coloured eyes blinked slowly.
'Well,' Erestor said again, even slower, 'what purpose do you serve?'
'I am a Random Plot Device,' RPD said again, slowly in case Erestor was missing the point. 'I am Random and part of the Plot.'
'Even so,' Erestor hinted, painfully, 'what about the "device" part of your name?' The chief councillor of Elrond's household made vague motions in the air with his hands. Perhaps the RPD was more of a visual person than an intellectual one.
'Device...' RPD pondered, 'Device, device, device. It reminds me of something...'
'Yes,' Erestor encouraged, feeling ridiculous. He was a councillor (dictionary definition: a member of a council), not a Eru forsaken counsellor (dictionary definition: some one who gives advice about problems, usually has problems himself). 'Maybe... news...?'
'No,' RPD said. 'Close, though.'
'Random orc attacks?'
'What are orcs?'
Erestor suppressed the urge to blink in confusion. 'Fine,' the councillor said, 'let's try again. Message?'
'Getting warmer,' RPD said, brow furrowed deeply with the sheer force of will necessary to think.
'Warning?'
'Colder.'
'Letter?'
RPD shot up. 'The letter from Lord Thranduil!' By some force or another, he fished out his saddle bag. Erestor dimly wondered how many dimensions it had broken en route from the stables to the room. RPD took a long moment to (once again) throw out a number of objects, some things of which Erestor considered rather terrifying (like the lubricant. Who on Middle Earth used lubricant?). At last, he removed a letter, dog-eared at the edges but, none the less, still intact. Somewhat.
'Ta-da!' RPD declared, then stopped. He flushed. 'I mean, er, here the letter is!'
Erestor resisted the urge to do something vicious (like allowing himself to bash his head against the table, or, even better, bash RDP's head against the table) and snatched the letter away, making as little contact as possible. 'Thank you,' he said tightly, and exited.
RPD was very confused, but that was okay, because he was in Rivendell (can you imagine that! Rivendell!) and wrapped in an Elven blanket (a blanket, I tell you!) and all was right with the world. Sort of.
-
'Erugh,' Erestor said as he exited the room, shuddering to himself. 'I feel as though my character were just put through the Halls of Mandos.' He turned a corner to see Glorfindel lounging against the wall with a smirk on his face.
'It's a nice place, really,' the golden haired elf said. 'They provide you biscuits.'
'Biscuits?' Erestor said incredulously, not stopping his pace. Glorfindel fell into step beside him.
'Yes, biscuits. We all thought it was very odd, coming in from a burning hell-hole and arriving to see a waiting room with a platter of biscuits on a table.'
'Your mind was definitely scrambled on the way back, Glorfindel,' Erestor muttered.
'Look now,' Glorfindel said defensively. 'They were good biscuits.'
'I am not having this discussion with you, Legolas,' Erestor shot.
'That was a dishonourably low blow, Erestor.'
'Thank you.'
They came to Elrond's door. 'Oh my Legolas,' Erestor said in a falsetto as Glorfindel held the door open for him. 'I am so honoured!'
Glorfindel just glowered, and they entered. Elrond was there nursing a massive headache. 'What is it now?'
Glorfindel sat on one of the chairs in front of Elrond's desk, scowling. Erestor presented his lord with the letter. 'It came from RPD,' he stated. Elrond tentatively withdrew his letter opener, and slit the seal. His two closest friends leaned over his shoulder to read it.
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Lord Elrond,
In case the faulty object of nature we call the "Random Plot Device" fails to remember who I am, I am Thranduil Oropherion, Lord of Mirkwood, Father of Legolas, etc, etc. I write because I can no longer abide the state of things in my land.
'What?' Glorfindel muttered under his breath. 'The mass of orcs, or the lack of fresh daisies?'
In the time that the "Movie" has been released, the situation here has escalated to dire heights. In the past, Mirkwood was a relatively peaceful place.
'Yes,' Erestor said pleasantly, 'if you considered orc slayings on both flanks "peaceful".'
When the breed of creatures called "Mary Sues" entered, everything changed. Mirkwood, prior to their introduction to Middle Earth, had previously had a slight infestation problem.
'Slight, indeed. Fic-Thranduil obviously has the ability to under-exaggerate along with his natural tendency to over-exaggerate.'
Now, we need to breed orcs because the Mary Sues will not leave until they single-handedly decimate about twenty. My warriors are in despair, my kingdom in chaos.
'Sounds like the usual,' Elrond said happily. 'It is good to share the suffering.'
I know that Legolas is there with you, and I try now desperately to break out of this damned character the Author has written for me and implore for you to keep him there, for all our sanity' sakes. But now I must return to the process of my intention: the Mary Sues themselves.
They seem to stem from you, Elrond.
'What?' exclaimed all three elves.
Allow me to list them down here, seeing as that I have had the pleasure of meeting each one of them individually you might as well have a share of the joy.
Donseregiel Celebrodien, evidently daughter of your long-lost brother twice removed on Elwing's side of the family. She has especially bright purple hair, but according to my sources that has recently changed.
Iyemridiku Los, evidently your long-lost daughter, who was tragically dropped down a waterfall. How careless of you.
PleaselovemeLegolas, evidently insane, but also evidently your long-lost sister. Your family seems to have managed to lose many members in its time.
There are about fifteen more, and my fingers tire of having to write all their long, inane names out. Please send a representative to gather them as soon as possible.
You have my thanks,
Thranduil Oropherion, Lord of Mirkwood, Father of Legolas, etc, etc.
Elrond put down the letter carefully. 'I see,' he said pleasantly, causing both Erestor and Glorfindel to back away. The last time Elrond had used that tone with them, nine people journeyed across Middle Earth to go dump a little band of gold into a volcano. 'Erestor,' he said, 'bring me my quill.'
-
Letter #2, to Thranduil from Elrond
Thranduil,
I would appreciate it if you kept those Mary Sues, seeing as that your kingdom would be awfully dull without them. In any case, none of them are related to me, unless by some chance of fate my mother managed to escape the strands of her rather avian fate in order to reproduce. Before you injure your mind on that sentence, allow me to list your relatives currently residing in Rivendell:
Legolaslovesme1!1, your daughter. She evidently does not realize that marrying Legolas would be a case of rather severe incest, and I am loth to break her heart.
Calenfienwen the Third, your niece. She has given Elladan no small amount of trauma, much of which stems from her mistaking him as Elrohir.
Calenfienwen the Second, your second niece. She has done almost exactly the same as her sister, except that now it is Elrohir she has scarred for life.
Calenfienwen the Zero, your long-lost niece. She is doing an unfortunate job of stalking me, and sad to say she is in the infirmary from having accidentally fallen into the bear pit I keep outside my window. Unfortunate, is it not?
There are about thirty more, and my fingers tire of having to write all their long, inane names, all of which no doubt stem from your side of the family. Please send five representatives to gather them as soon as possible.
You have my thanks,
Elrond Earendillion, Lord of Rivendell, Holder of one of the Three Elven Rings, father to Elladan, Elrohir and Arwen onlybrother to Elros, Son of Elwing, etc, etc, etc.
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Letter #3, to Elrond from Thranduil
Elrond,
Your family has obvious problems. Now I have a half-breed, evidently part-Hobbit, part-Elf and part-human (though how that is possible, I know not) claiming that she is the daughter of one of your twins. I am appalled, Elrond, that you did not send me a wedding invite.
Thranduil.
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Letter #4, to Thranduil from Elrond
Thranduil,
If you think that that is traumatizing, I currently have one in my keeping who claims to be a daughter both yours and mine.
Elrond.
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Letter #5, to Elrond from Thranduil
Elrond,
Gah.
Thranduil.