CHAPTER 15

Starsky

I'd decided to rent a car and drive back to LA. It gave me time to think, although I'm not sure I wanted to think anymore. I'd just done the most difficult thing I could imagine doing - walking out on my partner and best friend. It was killing me, but I knew it was for the best. Hutch had a new life to get on with, and now he could. Writing the letter to him broke what was left of my heart, and I tried not to picture him reading it. At least he had Louise to comfort him. I had to fight back the tears as I nearly drove off the road. Concentrate, Starsky, I tried to tell myself, but finally it became too much and I had to pull over. I needed to gather my thoughts and my emotions, or I'd never make it back to LA.

After running out on Dobey, I'd returned to the boarding house to get my stuff and write my letters. All thoughts of the murder and the Satanists had left my mind, but as I approached it, I realized we hadn't progressed any further in solving the case. I shrugged mentally – it simply did not matter anymore, for I wasn't a cop and never would be one again. Leave it to someone else to solve and just hope they're not lying in wait for me. It would be my luck to get grabbed.

Did it matter? Did anything matter? I felt like I was dying inside already. Would this pain go away, or would I have to live with an ache in my heart forever? Hutch would be okay--eventually. I had no doubts that he'd be devastated and furiously angry with me too, but he'd come to terms with this once he got past the pain. He had a future and a life, but I didn't have the slightest idea what I was going to do with my career, or my personal life. I didn't expect to get married, for the scars on my chest would always be there and I wasn't prepared to risk rejection by a woman. I didn't want to live my life lonely, but I didn't seem to have a lot of options left to me. I'd wanted to be a cop for so long--in fact, all of my life.

I guess I almost hero worshipped my father and wanted to be just like him when I grew up. Even in the last few months of his life, when things became tense at home, when he started striking out at those closest to him, me included, I still thought of him as someone I wanted to be like. When I was shipped out to LA shortly after his death, I still wanted it. When I joined the Academy and met Hutch, I wanted it even more, for I had been fortunate enough to meet someone that I wanted to be partners with. We didn't hit it off immediately, but it didn't take long for it to become obvious that our differences were skin deep only, and that in the important things, we felt the same. So we became partners, and not once did I regret my decision to become a cop, or want to do anything else. Gunther had changed everything for me.

I felt old and tired and didn't want to be a cop anymore, or at least I didn't think I did. I knew I didn't want to watch my best friend and partner being injured anymore and I knew I didn't want to get hurt again myself. After nearly dying--actually I was dead for a few moments--I wasn't sure how much more my body could endure. God, I was confused. I thought back to Louise's angry face, blaming me for Hutch's injury. "You're his greatest weakness." She'd been right. But he was my greatest weakness, too. We couldn't go on like we were, and the time had come to move on.

Writing the resignation letter to Dobey and leaving my badge and gun had been very difficult. Writing my goodbye letter to Hutch nearly finished me. Now I was faced with a bleak future, and I had no idea what I was going to do. I knew I'd have to leave LA permanently to avoid any scenes with Hutch and to start my new life. As I started up the car to continue on with my lonely drive, I wondered whether it was even worth returning to LA. Did I need any of my possessions? Even my car, the tomato, as Hutch referred to it. Did I need it? Was there any reason for me to return to LA? Technically, I suppose I should have worked out my notice with Dobey, but I'd never intended to do that. I had to make a clean break. I could stay in Las Vegas for awhile, until I sorted my emotions out. There was even a friend that I could visit A friendly face would do a lot for me now. I turned around and went back. It was pretty late by now and I was tired, so I decided to check into a cheap hotel before facing anyone. I was so very tired and feeling totally defeated. A few drinks should help the night along.

Hutch

"WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HIM?" I looked at Louise like I was seeing a stranger. My world was spiraling out of control and I just knew Louise had been part of the reason for it.

"Ken, he told me it was his decision. What makes you think I said anything to him?"

I pulled myself up so I could grab her arms. If I could have, I would have shaken her. Never before in my life had I been tempted toward violence against a woman. Even Vanessa hadn't got me as angry. She'd never hurt my partner, and the thought of what Louise could have said to him, in fact, must have said to him, was enough to send my blood pressure through the roof.

"Hutchinson, would you keep your voice down?" Dobey came racing back into my room.

"I want to know why Starsky left and what she said to him. He wouldn't have left on his own..."

"Hutchinson, I've already told you, he was an emotional mess. He blamed himself for you getting shot. Do I have to tell you how pigheaded he can be? I don't think so." Dobey was getting angry, but I didn't care. I knew how stubborn Starsk could be, but there was something else going on. Maybe it was a carry over from my scenes with Louise at home, but I had no doubts any longer just how she felt about him.

"Tell me what happened." I could see Louise wincing and prepared myself.

"I got a phone call from Captain Dobey telling me you were shot, Ken. How do you think I felt? Knowing you were shot because you were saving your partner. God, Ken. Stop thinking about him for a moment and think about me. I love you. I'm going to be your wife." She paused but I just stared at her, willing her to go on.

"You can't blame me for being upset, Ken. I was upset. I yelled at him and told him it was his fault. I didn't want him near you and told him to go..." She stepped back as she looked at me. I was seeing red, knowing all too well how this would have affected my emotionally fragile partner, who was probably feeling guilt on his own anyway.

"For your information, Louise, they were after ME! It was MY fault HE was kidnapped! I was the target! Have you any idea what you've done?"

But instead of becoming upset, she got angry.

"Yes! I've finally split you up. Finally priedhim from your side. Maybe we can have a chance of a happy life together now. Let him go, Ken, he wants you to let him go."

I was nearly faint with fury and despair.

"How long ago did he leave? How much of a head start has he had?"

Dobey looked down to the ground. "You've been asleep for a long time, Hutch. He left yesterday morning."

Yesterday morning! He'd be back in LA now. I had to get back there. I pulled myself over to the closet to get my clothes, ignoring the protests by Dobey and Louise.

"STOP IT! LEAVE ME ALONE! I can't and won't let him go Louise! He's my best friend."

"Ken, you're hurt, you can't go." I pushed past her and started to gather my clothes.

Dobey looked at me and I think he must have realized it was a lost cause.

"I'll get the doctor."

"Stuff the doctor, I'm going anyway!"

"Ken, please!" She put her hand on my arm, trying to stop me.

"Louise. I know you love me, and I know that you're very insecure, but pushing Starsky out of my life can't make me love you more. In fact, I can't remember ever feeling this angry with anyone! Starsky needs me, Louise, this is a really serious crisis for him to have quit the department. I can't believe you've done this. For God's sake, you're a nurse and you've seen what he's been through."

"I've seen what you both went through. You suffered as much as he did and it's not right, Ken. How can you live a happy and full life if you're worried about him all the time? It's a fact, Ken, you do worry about him constantly."

"Don't you mean to ask me, how can I live a happy and full life with you, if I'm worried about him? It's not a contest, Louise, but you've made it one." I continued to dress as I spoke, wishing I had more energy, but I was already struggling. "Starsky and I are partners and we've saved each other's lives more times than I care to remember .He is my family, Louise, and if you can't accept it, then we have no future." I made the statement quite calmly, still concentrating on Starsky's pain, and trying not to pass out.

"You go after him, Ken, then don't come back to me!"

Finally I was dressed, as Dobey and the doctor returned. I looked at Louise's pretty face, wondering why I'd never noticed the petulant shape of her mouth before.

"Louise, I am going after him, and no one..." I looked at the doctor as I spoke, "is going to stop me. We could've been happy, Louise, but you've done something that I will never forgive. You've hurt Starsky at a time when he's very vulnerable and not able to fight back, and I've gotta find him."

I pushed past the protesting doctor and Dobey, who was just standing at the door waiting for me.

"I hope you never find him! He's going to leave LA, he told me that."

I looked at her sadly, wondering when the pain of this breakup would hit. Not until I found Starsky. I could only concentrate on one disaster at a time.

"I'll find him, Louise, believe me, I'll find him. We could've been happy, but I've never enjoyed being controlled .Ask my father about that one day." I walked out, aware that Dobey was close behind me.