CHAPTER 17

Starsky

Whisky. Somehow it wasn't drowning my pain, not like I'd hoped it would. The room was spinning, my head was throbbing and I was still hurting as I thought about Hutch. Guess I should pour myself another drink. As I lay on the bed, watching the drink and my room moving from side to side, I decided to phone Vicki. Better still, I'd go around to the Thunderbird Casino since it wasn't that far from the cheap hotel that I'd booked into. I wasn't that drunk, just a bit dizzy as I stood up. At least I could find out whether she still worked there or not. What had I to lose? Suddenly the enormity of what I'd done hit me, and the tears started.

Tears for my partner, for me and thee and our lost times. I staggered to the door. I'd done it; I'd really done it. I'd really walked out on the most important person in my life. Time merged as I allowed the tears to fall, hoping this would ease the pain I was feeling. Finally, the tears ended and I was left feeling defeated and weary, with the pain still present. It was time to move on. I'd lost track of how long I'd been there, but I knew that I couldn't stay in the dingy room forever.

I finally pulled myself up, made coffee and took a shower. It was now dark again but I was still shaky, and certainly not in any condition to drive. Fortunately, I could walk easily to the Casino.

Somehow I made it, the jostle of people around me as I walked down the street, highlighting

the emptiness my life had become and the loneliness I was feeling. Why is it that crowds emphasize loneliness? I suddenly needed another drink very badly.

I reached the Casino eventually, but all I could remember was Hutch, and the thought that Hutch should be with me. Get a grip, Starsky, I tried to remind myself that I was on the way to a new life. This was only a pit stop for me, a chance to touch base with a hopefully friendly face. I found myself wishing I hadn't drunk so much whisky as I made my way to the main complex where the show girls performed. Blinking my eyes, I stumbled as I walked too close to a chair and found myself falling to the ground. Bouncers appeared from nowhere and I was hauled up into standing position.

"I think you'd better go home and sleep it off, buddy. We don't want any trouble." I looked at him blearily, too weary to argue. I was drunk and I couldn't deny it. Why couldn't something go right, just for once?

"Hey, Rick, I know that man, easy!" I turned to look into the face of one of the dancers.

"I remember you, you're Vicki's friend," She said.

"Vicki? Is she here?" I really was having trouble holding myself together.

"Rick, it's okay, I promise. Let me take him into the back room. His name is David, I think, and he's a friend of Vicki's. I'll go find her."

"You sure, Sue? He looks pretty plastered to me."

"Yes, Rick, it'll be fine. I agree he's a bit worse for wear, but Vicki will want to see him, I'm sure of that."

I sighed as I was led away from the public area. Maybe my luck was changing for the better.

"Vicki is here? Really?" I asked Sue, hardly daring believe my luck could have changed and that something was going to work out.

"Yes, sweetie, and she'll be pleased to see you. You probably don't remember me, but I'm Marcia and I remember you and your partner. You solved the murders of our friends, so I do remember you well. Plus you helped Vicki out, and that stuck in my mind." I found myself guided into a chair. She obviously didn't need any conversation, which was just as well.

"Vicki is due to finish shortly, so I'll let her know you're here. I'll also pour some coffee for you so you can sober up a bit. Wait here and Vicki will be here shortly."

I couldn't believe it and found the tears dangerously close to the surface again. I'd hoped I'd be welcomed, but I was no longer sure of anything. Marcia smiled at me as she pushed a cup of coffee into my hand. I hadn't even noticed the percolator in the room.

"Stay here, sweetie." I sipped the coffee willingly. If I had to sober up, I would. It was just so pleasant to feel welcome.

I sat there, drinking the coffee and relaxing, for the first time believing everything would be okay. Maybe not okay, but at least tolerable.

"David! David Starsky, I don't believe it!" I turned at the sound of her voice, noticing that her pleased expression turned to concern. Vicki was as lovely as ever.

"Are you okay?" Vicki sounded deeply concerned.

I tried to stand up, wanting to hug her, but my balance was definitely off, and I stumbled again. She moved forward and grabbed me, helping me back in the chair.

"Take it easy, David! Marcia warned me you were a bit under the weather. What is it? What's wrong?"

"I'mmmmm...fine..." I couldn't bring myself to tell her the truth, not yet.

"David, where's Ken?" I felt myself breaking down again at the question, and she must have realized how close to the edge I was.

"Come on, David. I can finish for the night. I'll take you back to my place and you can tell me all about it. Just let me have a word with Peter." She put her arm around me and helped support me to a chair. I sat there, with my head in my hands, not hearing her return. I only realized she was there, as I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"David, it's fine. Let's go." With that she started to shepherd me toward the door, holding my arm to prevent me falling.

"Vicki, are you sure you're okay?" One of the bouncers approached her, not Rick this time. "Not like you to pick up a drunk, are you sure it's wise?"

I shuddered, I was a drunk. I tried to pull away but Vicki held me fast.

"He's had a bit too much to drink but I know him. He's not a drunk and I'll be fine, thanks, Mike."

"How did you get here, David? What has happened to you?"

I muttered under my breath as she guided me into a car.

"Never mind. We'll get you home and then you can tell me all about it, and where your partner is."

I lay back and closed my eyes, soothed by the calming voice and feeling warmed by her obvious concern.

I knew I should try to make conversation, that dumping myself on her like this wasn't very polite, but my tongue felt like lead, and my stomach felt like it was going in circles. It wasn't entirely the alcohol either.

"Thought you were gonna quit workin'..." I couldn't say any more.

"I was, but the money you and Ken sent me went almost entirely to Carrie's operation and follow-up treatment. Which was a great success, by the way. Afterwards, I realized that this really isn't a bad job. I've got friends and I've always loved dancing. Management here treats us pretty well, really." I heard her chuckle. "David, you're not up to this. Close your eyes and rest. We can talk later. I'm sure you want to, and I'll tell you everything then." I smiled and sighed as I relaxed further into the seat. "And you can tell me why you're looking so sad." It was barely a whisper and she probably thought I hadn't heard, but I had. I knew I'd have to tell her everything.

Hutch

Dobey had booked us on a plane back to LA. I was grateful for his help, for I was truly exhausted even by the time we got to the airport. I wasn't sure Starsky would still be at his place, in fact, he probably wouldn't be, but I had to start somewhere. I wish I knew where he'd go. I doubted he'd return to New York, but where else? I felt sure that he'd return to LA to at least pick up his prized tomato and personal belongings. I guessed his plan would be to leave LA, because he'd know he'd have to face me if he stayed.

That seemed to be what he was avoiding doing and I knew why. I'd demand answers from him, and he probably didn't have them. How could he explain himself? I just didn't understand what was going on here. He probably thought I'd persuade him to stay, which I would. At least I'd convince him to stay in LA if I could. I'd meant what I'd told Dobey, which was if he wanted to leave the department, really didn't want to be a cop anymore, then I could accept that. After all, if I persuaded him to remain a cop against his will, he could end up getting killed. I didn't want him dead, I didn't want him hurting, I just wanted my friend and partner back, whether he was a cop or not.

How could he think I'd let him leave just like that? People moved on, times changed and relationships altered, but I'd never looked at us like that. I'd never considered the possibility of us not being partners and friends. The risk was high that one of us would be killed one day, but that was a different scenario than this. Entirely different. He'd walked out on me and I couldn't help but feel that I'd failed him in some way, failed to convey to him just how much I loved and needed him.

It was killing me, the knowledge that he thought he meant so little to me that he could pack up and leave, and I'd let him. Worse still, that he thought Louise meant more. Maybe she should mean more to me, but she didn't and I couldn't change that. Starsky was my priority right then and I was determined that he'd realize that once and for all. I'd make it up to him, and he'd never again question how much I loved him and valued our friendship. Even if he left the department, we'd still be partners somehow and certainly friends. You can't throw away what we've got on a whim and I'd make him see this, even if I had to shake him until his teeth rattled.

I was so tired as I boarded the plane, not just tired from the pain meds I was taking, or from the wound, but deeply tired in my soul. The next few days were vital to me, as they were to Starsky, and we just had to get everything sorted out. I leaned my head back on the seat, sparing a glance at Dobey. How good Dobey had been to us over the years, more than a captain, a good and trusted friend. We had our hurdles at times, but he was always there for us. We owed him more than we could ever repay and I was grateful for his company on this trip. I knew that I'd need all the help I could get.