CHAPTER 18

Starsky

I was in a really bad way, but Vicki was proving to be very supportive. She helped me out of her car and we made our way to her apartment. It seemed that exhaustion, both physical and emotional, had caught up with me and, combined with alcohol, was really knocking me around. My world was crumbling around me and I didn't know how to stop it. She helped me to the sofa, and after managing to kick my shoes off, I lay down before she could say anything more. I was vaguely aware of a blanket being placed over me, and a gentle hand touching my forehead before I finally drifted off.

When I woke up, I was slightly disoriented and my head was aching. The general misery that usually accompanied a hangover was lessened slightly by the sight of Vicki bringing me a cup of coffee. I even managed to grin.

"Hi there, pretty lady. Sorry about this..." I was more than a little embarrassed, but Vicki simply smiled at me. I wondered suddenly if I'd done the right thing in coming here, but I didn't know what else to do and she was making me feel very welcome.

"Hey, David. Good to see you that you've rejoined the land of the living. Would you like to shower and freshen up? Here's some coffee first, I'm sure you need it."

I reached for it gratefully. "Thanks. I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize for anything. I want you to freshen up and then we can talk. It's nearly eleven o'clock, but my guess is that you're not feeling too much like breakfast."

I made a face. "No thanks."

"Have your shower and we can talk. If you want to." She looked away, as if embarrassed herself.

"Yeh, I guess I owe you that." I moved to get up, but she put her hand on my arm.

"No, David, you don't owe me anything. If anything it's the other way around. But I don't like to see you like this, hurting. If I thought this was normal behavior for you, I would never have brought you home, I've had more than enough of drunks. But you're a sweet and gentle man, David, and something is going on with you and I want to help if I can. You've done so much for me and I'd like to help you."

I grimaced as I moved to get up.

"Here are some clothes I found in the back of my closet. They belonged to Lloyd, but he definitely won't be using them again. I'm not even sure why I've still got them. Clean up and I'm sure you'll feel better soon."

I looked at her, realizing she meant more than just having a shower and I smiled at her gently. She couldn't begin to know that I wasn't about to feel better. How could I, when I felt like I'd cut off my arm?

"Thanks."

The shower did improve my mood, although I was still feeling a huge aching emptiness in my heart, which I now accepted would stay with me for a long time. It wasn't easy to leave your other half, but I'd certainly taken the first step. I guess I just had to take each day slowly, and pray that it would get easier. As I put on Lloyd's clothes, I remembered Vicki's ex-husband, and how he'd been an alcoholic and caused her trouble. I wondered if he was still around. We had a lot of talking and catching up to do.

"Better?" She was waiting with more coffee.

"Yeh, thanks." I sat down. "Vicki, I'm really sorry about this. I needed a friendly face and I was here in Vegas..."

"David, stop. No more apologies please, but I do have some questions for you if you're feeling up to talking. What are you doing here, and where is Ken?"

I sighed, not knowing where to start. "It's kind of a long story, Vick."

"That's okay, I've got all the time in the world. I've actually got a few days off work now, so we don't even need to worry about that."

Once I started, it all came pouring out, and I couldn't seem to stop. Gunther's shooting, how it had changed my life forever and how I couldn't seem to get past it, even though I was now physically recovered. How I'd left Hutch because it had seemed the best thing to do, how he had a new life to get on with and that I didn't seem to fit in anymore. Everything was different now and I didn't know how to adjust. I wasn't jealous that he'd found happiness, because no one in the world deserved it more than my partner, particularly after everything we'd been through together and everything he'd done for me. It was just that I didn't know what I was going to do, and I felt displaced and disoriented.

I even explained how I'd had doubts about being his back-up, about whether I was still up to it or not, although they had lessened a little with our recent ordeal. However, it still boiled down to the fact that I didn't have the confidence I once had, and I couldn't risk being with Hutch anymore, as the price was too high if I failed. Even though I had managed with this last situation, I wasn't sure how many more crises I could face, especially if he was at risk because of me. Although I'd always wanted to be a cop, I couldn't do it anymorenot with Hutch, or without him. I couldn't imagine being partners with anyone else, and I believed that the time had come to make some major changes. I knew he loved me, I couldn't doubt how much he cared as he'd shown it time and time again. It's just that I wasn't sure I deserved his unstinting support and love, not when he ended up in danger because of me. He deserved the opportunity to have a family, but my presence even put that at risk. I didn't want to talk about Louise and I'd already said more than I'dintended to.

When I finished, the silence was heavy, as Vicki tried to absorb all I'd said. At some point, my tears had started again, but she just sat there in silent sympathy with me. I was astonished at how open I was being with her and how I was telling her everything. I never found it easy to open my heart, not to anyone but Hutch. Perhaps it was the fact that she knew him, and had known me and thee before all this crap, that made it easy. Perhaps it was her instant and warm sympathy, or perhaps I just felt so alone and desperate now, that I needed to reach out to someone, despite it not being the normal thing for me to do. Hell, nothing was normal anymore, not since I'd walked out on Hutch.

"David, I'm so sorry about the shooting. Oh, honey, that's awful!" I could tell by the note in her voice that she wasn't just being polite, that she was really sorry. So many people had said they were sorry, but most were just being polite. I knew she meant it and it warmed me more than I could acknowledge. "I wish I'd known."

"Nothin' much you could do. Hutch was there, and he held me together during the rough days. I just wanted to give up at times when the pain was so bad, but he was always there, refusing to let me. Dunno if I would've made it without him."

"Then why isn't he helping you now? I remember your friendship and I know how much you mean to each other. You don't even have to tell me how much you care about each other, I remember it very well. So, David, why have you shut him out now, when you need him more than ever?"

I looked at her blankly. "Things have changed and I've realized that he's gotta move on..."

"Without you? What exactly has changed, honey? You were hurt badly, very badly, and you've just told me that Hutch helped you get through it. You're still hurting, but Hutch isn't helping you this time. That's definitely changed. I don't get it David, I don't understand why you've shut him out. You know what? I bet he doesn't either."

Why didn't she understand? I couldn't risk being Hutch's partner anymore. It was time to move on, even though it was nearly destroying me. I had to get on with my life, so that he could, for we couldn't live like we had, our past lives were over. Why couldn't she understand?

"Things change, Vicki, you know that. People move on, and perhaps it's time for Hutch and me to do that. Maybe we should've moved on after the shooting, but I'd been too selfish to let him go. I have to face facts that life has changed forever, and I can't pretend it hasn't, or that it can go back to what it had been. I wish it could." Oh, God, I wished it could.

"Why is it time to move on? Because you're scared? Scared of getting hurt again, or of Hutch going through what you have?"

I got angry then. "Hutch can't ever go through what I've gone through! GOD, VICKI! The thought that he'd suffer this agony kills me all over again."

"Tell me then, because I really want to know. How will your leaving him without a partner stop it from happening to him? Seems to me he needs a back-up, a partner he can trust, and you're leaving him on his own."

"Not on his own. He's getting married and has a new life. Louise will look after him..."

"On the streets? She's a cop is she? David, you know what's going on here, don't you? You're scared and feeling like you've lost your life, but instead of turning to the one person who can help you, you've chosen to walk out. It's a natural response but it's based on fear. Fear of seeing your partner hurt and of being hurt again. I don't blame you for that, because you've experienced first hand the agony, but you can't make these decisions on your own. You've been through a terrible ordeal and, of course, life has changed for you. Instead of just accepting that and getting on with things, you've rejected your past life. Not only that, you've not just rejected being a cop, you've rejected your partner, only I'm still not sure I understand why. Why are you so determined that he has to move away from you to get married? Most people get married. Sure their lives change, that's only right and natural, but why do you have to walk out on him for this to happen?"

"Maybe..." I was suddenly looking at this from a different perspective. In the midst of my pain and confusion, it had seemed the best thing to do, but Vicki was making me look at this differently. She was certainly being persistent, but I found that I was listening to what she was saying, almost unwillingly. I didn't want to be told I'd made a mistake, but that was the message I was receiving.

"No maybe! I understand, sweetheart. I understand that you're scared, but Hutch must be, too. Even if you give up being a cop, there's no reason to shut out your best friend. I've seen your friendship in action, David, and you don't throw something like that away, not ever. So few people are blessed enough to have such a friendship. Are you scared he doesn't need you anymore? Is that it? You'd rather leave on your terms, than have him tell you to go? Do you really think he'd ever tell you to go? He must be a different man than the one I knew if that's the case."

I was taken aback. She and I were talking, but why couldn't she hear what I was saying. I wasn't scared that Hutch would tell me to go, I knew he wouldn't. That's why I had to make the decision for us. So he could move on with his new life, which would involve a wife and kids.

"He'd never tell me to go. I know that and he knows that. But we're each other's greatest weakness and the bad guys know that to get to one of us, they should aim for the other. I'm so tired, Vicki, so tired of him gettin' hurt because of me."

"Greatest weakness, eh? Wonder what Ken would say to that. You've been making all the decisions for him."

"Maybe, but he's got the chance for a good life, a happy life with a wife and family, but she's not gonna..."

"Not gonna what? If she loved Ken, really loved Ken, she wouldn't mess with your friendship. You might be each other's greatest weakness, but you're also each other's greatest strength. Where did you lose sight of that? You've got to talk about this, you can't just make these decisions for both of you on your own, especially when you're so upset and hurting. As for the future Mrs. Hutchinson, it seems to me that Ken has a problem there that he will need to sort out, too, and he might just need your support to get through it." She paused for a moment, allowing me to think about what she'd said. Her persistence was getting through.

There were a few moments of silence, as I tried to understand what she was saying. Had I been wrong all along? No, I hadn't, but maybe I should have spoken to Hutch first.

"Well, David. What do you say? Wanna call him? I think you both have a lot to talk about."

I looked at her with tears in my eyes. "No, I need to think." It was too much, too soon. I'd just laid myself open and she was making me look at things differently, but I couldn't change direction that quickly. I needed to think, and to absorb what she'd said, and decide whether or not she was right or wrong. I wasn't sure she was right, but she didn't seem totally wrong either. God, I was in such a mess.

Vicki looked disappointed but she smiled at me. "Okay, David. We'll just have a nice visit and not make any decisions, but promise me you won't disappear on me. I'll show you Las Vegas, and you take some time out and think about things. Do you really want to be without your friend and partner? I don't think you do. I think you're hurting and you need him, but you've decided you need to be punished for some reason, or that you're not worthy of his friendship. I think you should ask him about that and see what he says. That's his decision to make, not yours. I also think his marriage is threatening you and increasing your fears. Ken's shooting hasn't helped, but all you need to do is to TALK to him. Don't shut him out and don't feel less than worthy of his friendship. You are BOTH very lucky to have the other. I want you to think about what I've said David, but we won't talk about this again until you're ready. I do wish you'd consider calling him. He must be out of his mind with worry. If you doubt that, then just think for a moment what you'd feel like. Now I'm going to get changed and then we'll go out for a drive. Carrie is going to love meeting you."

I watched her leave, quite taken aback by her rational approach. She was right, I was punishing myself, but I was hurting someone very important to me, too. I couldn't bring myself to phone him, not until I knew what to say to him and at that moment I didn't have a clue.

Hutch

I couldn't believe it, there was no sign that Starsky had even been near his place. His car was still with Merle and all his personal belongings were still in the apartment. I sank down into the sofa and looked at Dobey in despair. What now?

"Okay, Hutchinson, doesn't look like he was here, does it? Where would he go? Would he go back to New York?"

I shook my head. "Doubt it, he's never expressed a desire to go back..." But he'd never expressed a wish to leave before, either, was the thought that popped into my mind.

"Perhaps you should call his mother..."

"Not sure that's such a good idea, Cap'n. What do I say? Where's your son, Mrs. Starsky? If he's not there, she'll panic and I can't do that to her. He never wants her to know anything, even when he really is in trouble..." My voice trailed off. He was in trouble, terrible trouble. Maybe not the usual sort, with a maniac after him, but with his own personal demons. I rubbed my eyes, knowing I had no idea where to look for him. Nothing had prepared me for this and I just didn't know what to do. My shoulder ached and I was bone tired.

"If he did go home, you'll at least know he's there and safe."

I shook my head more firmly. I didn't know why I was so positive that Starsky wouldn't return to New York, but I was. He was avoiding me, and he'd have to know that would be the first place I'd look.

"Think, Hutchinson. No one knows him as well as you do!"

I smiled weakly. That was true and reminded me of the time we'd tested each other and tried to hide from the other. I'd nearly died from botulism of all things, but he'd found me and saved me. He'd even staged his own shooting to get me to come out, and I had. Of course, I had to find out whether he was okay, neither of us doubted that, and it had been a very clever ploy on his part. I'd sort of suspected it was a trick, so I hadn't come right out of hiding and had gone to the hospital in disguise. I had to establish that he was okay and once I'd discovered he was, and that it had been a trick, I had gone back into hiding. That was a mistake on my part for I'd been dangerously ill. However, he had still managed to track me down and save my life. Now it was my turn, and the stakes were just as high. I couldn't begin to imagine my life without him.

"He's hurting pretty badly. I guess he'd want to be distracted and might look for a friendly face. The problem is, I don't know who he'd go to. He's trying to avoid me, so he'd do the least obvious thing." I was so tired, all I wanted to do was go to sleep but how could I sleep or even think about it? I knew I had to find my partner.