CHAPTER 23

Hutch

Starsky was being his usual, stubborn, pig-headed self when it came to staying in the hospital. He didn't want to and he wanted to go home. Now that he was more coherent, he was making that quite clear. He seemed particularly anxious to do so after a long conversation with Vicki. I'd left them alone and watched her leave his room, with tears falling. I knew she loved him and wondered if I should do something to stop her, but I knew she was right. He was in an emotional mess and I couldn't add anything to that confusion. She looked up and walked over to me.

"I've just said goodbye to David. I've quit my dancing job and am going to move to Boulder City with Carrie for the time being. When Steve gets back, we'll decide what to do. She'll need me to help come to terms with what her father has done. Unfortunately, I can't protect her anymore." She paused. "David and me--well, I've realized it's best this way, but I will always love him. Look after him, Ken, and don't let him change."

"Don't let him change"--echoes of words from another woman who'd so loved my partner. But I had let him change, and he'd been drowning and I hadn't seen it.

She touched my face gently. "Don't even go there, Ken. This is not your fault, none of it. I think too much has happened to you both, too soon. He just got lost for awhile, but I'm sure it won't happen again. You know why?" I shook my head. She had a determined air about her that made you listen to what she was saying. I was blown away by this remarkable woman.

"Because he's got a friend like you who'll find him again. You've found each other now, and that's the most important thing." She paused and I realized there was something else she wanted to say.

"Go on, say it, Vicki. You know all our dark secrets now." But she was clearly still troubled.

"I know you're getting married in a few weeks, and I gather there are some issues there. Don't close your heart to either of them. They both love you…"

My face tightened, but not with anger against Vicki, I believed she could shoot me and I wouldn't be angry with her. Not after what she'd done for Starsky.

"I know, Vicki, that Louise loves me in her own way, however, I seriously doubt the wedding's still on. I haven't seen her since I checked out of thehospital. But she's asking me to make a choice and I can't do that. You wouldn't." I looked at her directly and she smiled in acknowledgement.

"No, I wouldn't, but people are different. Maybe she's not the one for you, but don't give up, Ken. Both you and David deserve the best and I want you both to be happy." She kissed me. "I'm going to Boulder City now, and you won't see me before you go. It's best this way."

She turned and I watched her leave. I still wasn't sure if I was doing the right thing in not stopping her, but I needed to see Starsky.

"Hey, buddy, how you doing?"

"Ready to get outta here. Did ya see Vicki?"

"Yeah, just said goodbye to her. How are you feeling?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes I think we could have had something, but I can't make that sort of decision now. I just dunno what I'm gonna do."

"I think it's time we talk, Starsk." He looked at me and nodded. The last few days, we'd just focused on him getting well, but we still had to deal with the issues that had caused him to walk out.

Starsky

I wasn't feeling as well as I would have liked. My head was hurting and I was still a little nauseous, but I wanted to get out of the hospital. I also knew that I owed Hutch explanations--big time. I couldn't go anywhere until the doctor came to see me, so I indicated to Hutch to sit down.

"Hutch, this isn't easy, so please hear me out before going off, okay?"

He nodded, but I could feel his tension, as if he were preparing himself. I studied his face; he was still looking tired, but wasn't as pale and washed out looking as he was when I first saw him. I suspected he still had some pain from the bullet wound, but he wouldn't complain. At least by staying with me at the hospital, he'd managed to get some rest, and I knew that Vicki and Huggy had looked after him.

"I'm sorry that I just walked out like that. I got so scared when I saw you shot and I panicked. All my fears seemed to crowd in on me and I couldn't think. I know it seems crazy, but I realized I couldn't watch you get hurt anymore because of me."

Hutch looked at me directly. "It's the same for me, Starsk. I hate seeing you hurt, but this incident happened because people were after me. You're the one who was caught because they wanted me."

"Yeah, Hutch I do know that, but don't you see, that's the way it is. Lunatics know that the best way to hurt one of us is to get the other. I'm tired, blintz, very tired. I thought I could walk away… I thought it was the best thing to do." I paused, unsure how to continue.

"Tell me honestly, Starsk Did Louise have anything to do with you going?" He looked at me in that direct way he has, and I knew I had to be honest.

"She did blame me, but no more than I blamed myself. I insisted on coming to Vegas on a fool's errand. Bein' bait for some psycho nuts. I would've left anyway, once I knew for sure that you'd be okay. It was my decision, not hers. She didn't say anything to me that I didn't know. Don't you get it? Everything came crashing down around me and I had to get away. I thought it was the best thing for both of us. You've got the chance for a new life, marriage and a family, and it just seemed to me that me hangin' around would jeopardize that. Not because Louise didn't like me, but because you could get yourself killed. I couldn't handle that, you bein' killed before you had a chance at a new life. God, Hutch, you'd be such a great dad. I wanted you to have the life that I can't have." I drew in a shuddering sigh. "Thing is, it wasn't easy. I missed ya, blintz! I kept lookin' for ya and ya weren't there. I dunno what to do. I'm just not sure I can do this anymore but you're… I missed ya." I broke down, realizing nothing was solved.

"What do you mean, a life you can't have? Oh, Starsk, we've got a lot of talking to do. First, you've gotta promise not to disappear on me again. I've been out of my mind."

"I know, you've been lookin' kinda tired. I'm sorry, Hutch. Guess I didn't help your wound any. Is it better,or still giving you trouble?"

"It's okay. It's been better since I've settled down and stopped racing all over the country. You're my best friend, Starsk, and I love ya. I want to help you do whatever you want to do, but please don't shut me out again and for God's sake, don't you walk out on me again. I know how you feel about seeing me hurt, it's the same for me and you know it. Just come home to LA with me and we'll work on the rest. We'll talk about your fears and my fears and we'll sort it out. You gotta realize, Starsk, I had no idea what was going on with you, or how much you were still hurting. I'm sorry about that."

"Don't you go on your guilt trip again, blondie. I'm not sure I realized just how bad I was feelin' either. As I said, it all sorta came crashin' down on me. I do wanna come home, Hutch, I realize that it's just too hard without you, but…"

"One day at a time, Starsk, that's how we'll take it. We'll talk about everything. I won't feel guilty if you promise to talk to me, and not hide things from me any more. Deal?"

"Deal!" He pulled me into a hug, which I returned happily. I knew I still had issues to sort out, well, "we" did anyway. One thing was clear, and that was I didn't have to do it on my own.

Hutch pulled away from me a little and grinned.

"We're in this together, partner. Don't forget it again." I grinned back at him, acknowledging the uncanny echo of my own thoughts. It shouldn't surprise me, but at times it still did, the way we mirrored each other's thoughts.

"I decided to rent a car to get back to LA, so we can take our time and rest on the way," I told him.

"Are you up to drivin'? Dunno that I should be drivin' yet."

"If we take it slow, I am."

"What about Louise?" I so wanted him to be happy and I had a feeling that relationship had fallen apart.

"Haven't seen her, Starsk, but I think it's a safe bet the wedding is off."