A/N: Oh lordy, I don't know how much longer I can keep writing so normally. If you want to see why I might do a quick update then take a lengthy break, read my profile under Notices, Jan 7th.
Before you continue reading, let me enforce this once more: THIS IS INU/KAG. Thank you.
Disclaimer: No, I do not.
Behind the Masquerade
Past Pain
"Inuyasha…you don't trust me…?"
…
"Keh…"
"You really don't…?"
"Why do you care, girl!?"
"I don't know…"
"Keh… You're harmless anyway so whatever I think of you, it doesn't matter."
"Inuyasha…thank you…but please don't trust me."
Those words repeated in his mind. Please don't trust me…Why? Why shouldn't he trust her? And why did she assume he did? He had said it didn't matter what he thought of her. But…did he trust her? Why had she told him those words? Was there a reason for him not to trust her?
He watched her sleeping face and couldn't help the warm feeling that rushed through him. She was so frail, so fragile and undeniably so delicate. He had virtually flown like an arrow back to the castle and had doctors summoned immediately. The way her hand swung limply by his side when he was dashing back had made his blood run cold. If it wasn't for the reassuring beat in her chest, he might have not been able to control his emotions.
He couldn't help but unwittingly reach out to lightly trace a clawed finger down her face's contours, reveling in how smooth and soft her skin was. He instantly retracted his hand though when he realized what he was doing and immediately made a disgusted face. However, it was not directed at Kagome but at himself.
What was wrong with him!?
Why was he even bothering to sit by her side when she was unconscious and feel as if nothing else mattered as long as she would wake up and yell at him again? Why did he feel like this whole room was gray to his eyes? …Well, it might have something to do with the incessant rain, so forget that.
He could hear screaming outside on the grounds, people were rushing everywhere and the village gates were being locked. Children and women alike were screaming and running into their houses in panic while the peasant men tried to figure out how to protect their families. Soldiers put on their armor, everyone had on a solemn face, and yet, here he was, sitting in this oddly quiet room watching a girl sleep.
The hanyou knew the time of laughs and smiles were washing away like the tide going out.
He had informed everyone of the wolf army…and a messenger had notified his father that they would reach the dog demon's territory by early next morning, a good twelve hours. After all, one could see far from where Inuyasha had seen the army advancing, so it gave his kingdom enough time to build defenses.
His father had allowed him to fight, asking surprisingly somberly if Inuyasha had indeed mastered Tetsusaiga. It was atypical to see his father so glum, but what was he thinking? He would be happy? No…this was war and Inuyasha had never participated in warfare ever in his life, so he didn't understand why everyone looked like their life was going to end. But maybe they were right and perhaps many would have their lives end tomorrow.
Inuyasha could hear the clanging of weapons on the grounds outside and he didn't really feel like going to see the rows of men. He could hear his father giving orders clearly thanks to his hearing abilities, and he knew what was happening.
The battle strategy was to keep the wolves at bay so that the city would be safe. They would not run mindlessly headfirst into a bloody fight like barbarians would do, but they actually had a well thought out tactic. According to King Komiya, where the thick forest to the left clashes into the mountains on the right in a path resulting in the middle, their army would hide in the forest and mountains, then ambush their prey. This way, maybe they could obtain the higher advantage over their enemies.
To Inuyasha, it still sounded like running mindlessly headfirst into a bloody fight like barbarians would do because there would be utter chaos. But who was he to really question his father's stratagems? He didn't really care as long as he got to skewer some smelly wolves and roast them with Tetsusaiga.
The feud between the dog demons and wolf demons had lasted long enough. It would be resolved in this gory battle and may the winner take all.
But he couldn't think straight. He always thought his first chance to participate in a war would make him giddy with anticipation, but he wasn't feeling frivolous.
Was it because of the girl who was peacefully asleep in front of him?
"Kagome…" he muttered, watching as her eyes flickered a bit, although she stayed in her deep sleep.
"You care a lot about her…don't you?" A voice said out of nowhere, and Inuyasha swiveled his ears around as his neck took longer to respond.
His golden eyes landed on a similar duplication of the girl asleep, and he let his guard down a bit---just a bit. "Kikyou," he muttered in recognition, looking at the calm gray eyes his fiancée were fixing on him with. "I don't know what you're talking about." He frowned. Care about Kagome? Heh. Please…the day I start caring about Kagome is the day Kikyou would kiss me…
"Yes you do," she shot back, composed as ever. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. You just don't want to admit it, right? You care about Kagome and I can tell."
Her persistent nagging was beginning to anger him. Who did this girl think she was? She may be his fiancée, but she wasn't married to him yet, so she had no right to pretend to know what he was feeling. Screw it, even he didn't know what his emotions were right now, so why the hell would Kikyou know!?
He resorted to use the one method that he always resorted to: yelling.
"I don't know what the hell you're talking about, you insistent little wench. I am not admitting to anything that's not real. And how would YOU know whether I care about Kagome or not, which I repeat, I do NOT care about that annoying, inane, childish excuse of a girl!"
Usually, the person he was shouting at would have frowned and screamed at him until his ears dropped off of his head, figuratively speaking of course. But what irritated him furthermore was that instead of replying in rage, Kikyou only arched a neutral eyebrow.
"And I'm going to marry you?" she whispered, half in amusement and half in mock.
"You can help a lot of lives by just calling off the marriage," Inuyasha suggested dryly.
"That would only help your life."
"And yours."
"Are you sure?"
They both fixed each other with cynical eyes, a colliding of dull gray meeting passionate amber. There was a strangled air of tension as the pitter-pattering of rain was heard in the prolonged silence.
"Why do you want to marry me…?" he muttered darkly, shattering the silence while not breaking the eye contact he had with Kikyou.
"You're like me."
"No I am not."
"Yes you are. You were hurt in the past too."
"No I---what the hell!"
Kikyou smiled lightly as she walked into the room more, coming closer to the hanyou who was gazing at her in shock. She reached out to take his clawed hand and held it lightly in her palm, feeling the warmth seep into her cold flesh. "I see it in your eyes, Inuyasha. I see the betrayal, the pain, all these emotions no normal person could ever see, except one who was hurt too."
Inuyasha stared down into Kikyou's eyes, watching the way she stared up at his. If he didn't know better, he could have mistaken her for Kagome. If it wasn't for the eyes. He was suddenly reminded of something Kagome had told him this morning.
"Were you hurt in the past?"
"Sometimes, Inuyasha, it's better to allow someone to understand mutual pain, no matter how long ago the hurt had been."
"Sometimes, you can't let go of your past and you only run away from it. But you can never run away from fate…Once you're assigned a fate, it'll only carry through."
"It's nothing..."
Inuyasha's eyes widened. Now he understood. After a while, he finally understood the hidden meaning behind those words Kagome had told him. Thanks to Kikyou, he finally realized that Kagome had been hurt in the past too…and she kept it well hidden.
He felt arms going around his waist and he looked down, his eyes widening when he realized Kikyou was hugging him close, her cheek laid on his chest lightly. He didn't hug her back, he couldn't, and his eyes glazed over as he listened to her words. He knew he was vulnerable at the moment, but it would be wrong to push away his fiancée…no matter how cold she felt through his haori…no matter how different she felt from Kagome's warm body.
"Inuyasha, I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with you. You don't have to love me, but I could help you through it, as you can help me through my pain if you'd like. Give me a chance and let me help you…allow me to fulfill my duty as your future wife."
Kikyou tiptoed up as she lightly pressed her lips to Inuyasha, whose eyes were so wide by now they looked like they would pop out at any moment. Kikyou's eyes were closed, but the way his eyes were so large, he could almost see every imperfection on Kikyou's face from the distance they shared.
He couldn't respond. All he could do was feel every second tick by in an intolerable atmosphere, wondering why it felt like hours. He couldn't understand it, that cold feeling at the bottom of his stomach, and he couldn't comprehend why his chest pulled tightly in the way it was.
He felt the lips move off his, and his wide eyes followed as Kikyou backed off, taking a small step away from him.
"I'm sorry…" she mumbled in a strained voice, looking down at the ground and giving him a good view of her head. "I shouldn't have…I probably only made your emotions even more confused."
She softly turned around and walked to the door, shooting a pained gaze back at Inuyasha before she entered the corridor. "Be safe Inuyasha. Good luck. But most of all…I'm not giving you to Kagome without a fight."
Then she was gone, him hearing her trod down the corridor quietly.
He stood there, a cold feeling rushing from his head to his toes. Kikyou had just kissed him, but he felt as if it was the most sinful thing he had done in his life. She is his fiancée, and she had as close as it could get admit that she 'loved' him, but it all felt so wrong. Everything. Every little thing she said to him felt so wicked and he didn't know why. It hurt. His head hurt.
He was beyond confused that in fact, he was so befuddled he couldn't tell if he was feeling anger or pain right then. His chest pulled, it tugged, and he involuntarily lifted a hand to cover where his heart was. He was afraid it would thump out of his chest and leave him dying in pain if he didn't envelop it.
"Inuyasha…?" a small whimper of a voice murmured and Inuyasha was shot out of his daze as he turned around and saw a sleepy Kagome staring at him through glazed eyes.
He realized that if she had awoken two minutes before she had decided to, she would have seen everything. He didn't want her to, and that was what confused him. She wouldn't mind if she saw Kikyou kissing him when she woke up, other than the fact that there were two people kissing in the room she was sleeping in…right?
"You finally wake up, wench," he grumbled out, but even he could hear the unusual pressure on his voice.
She looked at him in a surprised manner, before she went to rubbing her eyes and getting rid of the sleeping sand. He crossed his arms as he watched her do her rubbing and he could feel a smile slowly revealing itself on his lips. God…what am I doing…
He quickly wiped off the small smile and replaced it with a frown when she looked up at him with that beautiful smile of hers. Beautiful!? Arghh…
"I missed you," she whispered and sniffed her nose almost cutely.
He blushed pink from the words. "What do you mean?! I haven't gone anywhere."
Kagome blinked as she stared up at him with those azure orbs of hers. "I don't know, I just feel like I missed you." She smiled softly.
Inuyasha realized she would have usually instigated another fight by now and he grunted in amusement. The girl's mind was still half in lala land and that was the only reason why she even remotely resembled a sweet, innocent girl. Other times, welllllcome Miss. Evil.
She patted a spot on her bed and Inuyasha narrowed his eyes, before seeing the smile slowly disappearing from her face at seeing his reluctance. Then he rolled his eyes and proceeded to sit next to the idiot who was still slightly sick as he could tell by the way she kept on sniffing.
Plopping down Indian style, he shot her a long withering glare. "I want some explanations, girl. What were you even thinking of when you went off and started chatting with a dangerous demon…puppet thingey? Miroku said it was a puppet of a real thing, but still, what were you doing!?"
He saw her blanch, as she suddenly started to play with her hair a lot. She shot him a sad smile as her eyes began to flicker around the room from here to there, trying to concentrate on things other than the hanyou. But when she realized it was useless because he could glare forever, she sighed and whispered, "Inuyasha…please…don't ask. Please…anything other than that." Her voice cracked.
He could see the internal conflict in her eyes and he was about to open his mouth and demand her tell him, but he couldn't. He just couldn't command her to tell him everything if she was torn this way. If he did, he would be a hypocrite. He didn't tell her things either after all.
But then she slowly slipped her warm hands in his and he didn't flinch, only gazing up at meeting with her shy blue orbs. Why was this different? Kikyou had only just did the same thing to him, so why didn't he feel nervous and uncomfortable?
"Inuyasha…I guess it's wrong of me to ask, but I really need to know…who was the girl in the painting with you?"
He stared at her hard, before squeezing her hand a bit. "As long as you tell me who had hurt you in the past, I'll tell you what happened to me."
She gawked at him, and he could hear the rapid beat her heart decided to take on. "How…How did you…"
He smirked. "I figured it out…you couldn't have kept it secret forever."
She stared at him intently, her blue eyes soon resigning as she retracted her hands from his, positioning her pillow behind her to make herself comfortable. She sniffed a bit more and Inuyasha frowned when he saw her snuffle. Stupid girl…getting sick…when he was going to war soon…but she didn't know.
"Okay…we have a deal, Inuyasha." She folded her hands in her lap before smiling evilly. "You first."
He frowned at the twinkle in her eyes. Sick, tired and absolutely strange, she was still happy during times of crisis. "Stupid woman…" he muttered, as she fixed him with innocent eyes.
His heart rate increased as he gazed at her. Definitely delicate…definitely. This girl needed protecting…and he had promised he would right? But…still…the ever unanswerable question…Why? Why had he wanted to protect her? Was it just for that moment…or did he mean…longer than that?
He gulped as he thought of something he had been thinking before.
Please…the day I start caring about Kagome is the day Kikyou would kiss me.
It was funny how ironic some situations could be…
*~*~*
She gazed uneasily at the man sitting next to her, albeit there was safe distance between her backside and his wandering hands. She hadn't really wanted to invite him to her room, but the man had insisted they talk in a place much more private than the corridors, and had persisted she choose between the closet and a room.
She chose her room. Why? She knew where all the sharp objects were.
"Sango-chan…"
She growled.
"Sango…"
Much better.
"What is it, houshi?"
He looked at her from the corner of his violet orbs, staring at her with something she didn't understand. But then he grinned and the unexplainable expression was gone.
"I wanted to talk to you about Inuyasha and Kagome."
She had not expected that. She had thought he would have wanted to chat about their…'relationship'…or the lack of one, depending on how you look at it. She had thought he would have wanted to discuss about what happened yesterday when he had wanted to kiss her. All night, all morning and well into the afternoon, she had forced herself to believe it was because he had just wanted her submission to him and that he didn't mean it. How much did she want to bet he had done the same thing to many girls before?
"What about the two?" She moved as far away from him as possible, almost off the futon. It was cold after all, so she had wanted to talk on the futon---maybe it was the wrong suggestion to make him sit so close to her still.
"Do you think…there's something going on?" he asked, his eyes twinkling as they bored into hers.
"What do you mean?" What did he mean? Something going…on?
"The way he had ran off to save her, how he had described to me what his enemy was, I'm sure he left out details…but the way he was holding her when they returned? Did you see him? Did you see the panic and pain in his eyes?"
She shot him a doubtful, long gaze before recollection entered her mind. She did remember the way he had wildly glared at them, bellowing for a doctor. What surprised her also was that he had made sure Kagome was alright first before telling anybody about the wolf army. A person who claimed not to care about Kagome would usually inform about the threat first and then order a doctor to immediate attention.
"What are you getting to, houshi…?"
He shot her a dry look, complete with the shaking of his head. "Don't you think there's something going on between the two…?"
Sango arched an interested eyebrow before thinking about the situation carefully. "Umm…no."
"Why?"
Sango scoffed. "Well at least he cares about the health of a girl first, even over his own kingdom. Unlike somebody who would probably forget the girl was sick." She shot him a 'you-know-what-I-mean" look.
He stared at her wryly. "If you were injured and an army was approaching…I would care about you first, Sango…"
She rolled her eyes on instinct. "Yea, sure…" She narrowed her eyes. "Just because a guy cares about a girl's health first doesn't mean he likes her or loves her or whatever the situation you want to call it. He's marrying Kagome's sister for crying out loud! If he was unfaithful to Kikyou and with her sister of all people…that's major infidelity, houshi…I'm sure you know what infidelity means."
"No one's perfect. And…infidelity, you say? This might be unfaithfulness if he does…but remember: they had an arranged marriage. Could you really blame the guy if he likes someone else instead of his fiancée?" Miroku wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
"First off, Kagome would never like him. She was hurt before and has built an impenetrable wall against the men of this world. Inuyasha…liking her? That's even more implausible." Sango had spoken the unspoken before she had even noticed she had betrayed Kagome's secret. She slapped a hand over her mouth as she flushed red.
Miroku opened his eyes wide. "She was hurt before?"
"What? What are you saying? I can't hear you, speak louder."
"SHE WAS HURT BEFORE?"
Sango winced. Stupid idiot actually spoke louder. "I don't know what you're talking about."
She received silence from Miroku and refused to make eye contact as she stared at the ceiling. Why had she said Kagome's secret before she thought about the words spewing out of her mouth? If Kagome ever found out…
However, her heart skipped a beat when she heard him say something.
"She wasn't the only one…Inuyasha was too."
The silence thickened to a seemingly breakable air as Sango clenched her fists and berated herself for her stupidity while trying to ponder whether she should stare at him. Her will power was brittle, so she soon turned her head to stare deep into his lilac eyes, entranced with the sheer color of them. "He…was…?" she asked softly, not trusting her voice enough to speak louder.
Miroku gave her a comforting smile. "I'll make a deal with you…If you tell me what happened to Kagome, I'll tell you what happened to Inuyasha…and we'll promise never to speak a word to neither human or demon…okay?"
Sango studied him for a moment, hearing the rain pounding outside and the army rushing around in wild disarray. She wanted to be there…she wanted to fight too…but she knew they would never allow a woman into their ranks…
"Deal."
There was that sneaky twinkle behind Miroku's eyes again, but she ignored it.
"Since I made the deal…you speak first." Miroku chuckled as she threw a dark glare at him.
"Okay, fine." She took a deep breath. "Kagome use to…err… really 'like' someone about a year and a half ago. His name was Naraku. I was there when they were…'together'…I never liked the man. He was older than her and I felt like she didn't know that sometimes, he seemed to TREAT her younger than him. He was always so…sickeningly sweet to her…always the 'gentleman' if one might say. He was some prince from some far off land I never heard of…and she liked the evil bastard."
Sango looked downcast at the memory. "I think it was because he was the first man to pay Kagome attention instead of Kikyou. It was a mistake from the start. I noticed he always stared at Kikyou whenever they ate at the table. Lord and Lady Higurashi never noticed his nauseatingly sweet moves…they were much more interested in how rich he was."
She didn't notice the hand slipping into hers.
"Then two months later…when she was thinking nothing could go wrong…he just…went to Kagome's sister. He just fucking ditched Kagome and skipped off to Kikyou…and Kikyou received him. The sisters' mother and father didn't care…they said Kikyou deserved such a man instead of Kagome anyway…I don't know why Kikyou did it though. No one knows why. I'm sure she has her reason, but I hate her for breaking Kagome's heart with that cold bastard, Naraku."
She felt someone squeeze her hand and she drew comfort from it, not thinking properly over who was in the room. "But Naraku was evil, and he left Kikyou too after a few months. He also stole a lot of the Higurashi's money…I swear it was Kikyou. But instead, everyone blamed Kagome for meeting the man. She stood up to them, she didn't listen to their taunts and jabs behind her back…but I could tell she was depressed. She was beyond depressed. I was scared she might commit suicide, but I know she's a strong girl. I just hate her family for breaking her slowly and carefully."
Her form shuddered a bit at the cold and she didn't push away the arm that enveloped her, shielding her with warmth. "The thing is…Naraku and her had an oath. She performed an oath for him. She even sealed it with her life, so she can't break it. She promised the bastard that if time ever calls, she'll always help him. If only she said she'll help him willingly…but no, she said she'll help him. Now I don't know anymore…he has a hold of her life in a way…" Sango realized she wasn't about to tell Miroku more than necessary. Inuyasha's cousin must not know about how Kagome was here for a mission besides formerly figuring if Inuyasha was right for Kikyou.
Unshed tears strayed in Sango's eyes for the torment her cousin was going through.
"Ssh…It's okay. Don't worry." She could feel a hand rubbing small circles on her back and she was about to let it continue, until she realized who she was talking to. She jumped away from Miroku faster than humanely possible and slapped him across the face in much the same way she had did yesterday.
He winced. "Sorry Sango…sorry…" he muttered under his breath, as he held his throbbing cheek.
She bit her lower lip when she noticed the reflex had kicked in again. The half torn feeling was returning…regret and relief…
"I'll leave…I'll tell you Inuyasha's story another day. I'm sorry Sango, I really am." She watched as he got up from the futon and made his way to the door. "But when I said that if I had to choose between your health and the safety of this whole kingdom… and when I said I would choose you…I meant it."
Sango stared, the words jumbled in her mind. He would choose her…? Why? That liar. Why did he have to make her heart beat fast…why did it beat fast? Confusion…that damn confusion was returning.
He turned around to shoot her an expressionless look. "You don't have to trust me…I'm not asking for you to. Trust is sometimes what holds two people together. People can live without trust, but without trust, there isn't love either. Inuyasha and Kagome trust each other, even if they won't admit it, but I'm afraid that trust can be broken so easily." Sango didn't miss the meaningful glare he gave her. Did Miroku know about Kagome's intention for staying? "Trust is so fragile...but Sango…maybe, one day, you'll allow yourself to trust me. I'll wait for you if you want me to."
Sango broke the eye contact and stared at the hand in her lap, that pulling feeling returning in her chest again. "Don't wait for me forever…"
There was a silence and Sango nearly thought Miroku had left, but she could still see him from the corner of her eye. The rain's noise just seemed to increase in the uncomfortable tension and she could hear her heart beat.
"There's no such thing as forever…" he muttered quietly, walking out the door. She could still hear him talking faintly though. "But there are things called a once in a lifetime chance and I'm not going to lose my most important one."
Sango clenched her kimono at hearing those words. What did he mean? She knew what he meant, but she didn't want to believe it. Was he saying he'll wait for her to trust him? Was he saying she was his once in a lifetime chance?
Sango stared out the window, her gaze settling on the dark clouds. She could still hear the clanging of weapons downstairs and she smiled a bit…
Once in a lifetime…
Only.
A/N: This was still long, although considerably shorter than my last chapter. Sorry there was no action. I had to write about Kagome's past, and Inuyasha's will emerge soon. ^_^ I had to emphasize on trust because people will notice trust will play a large role later. You might also notice the parallelism in this chapter…started off stressing Inuyasha's and Kagome's trust…then ended accentuating Sango's and Miroku's trust. I'm trying to fit the start of the war in the next chapter and then I'm warning all of you…the chapter after the next is crammed with angst.
AND…although Kikyou kissed Inuyasha, no, I didn't do the usual "Kagome sees, Kagome is sad, Kagome cries" scene because I really don't think it's that often you'll suddenly wake up at the same exact time your sister kisses the guy. ¬_¬ I REPEAT, THIS IS AN INU/KAG story. Their bittersweet fluff is coming…soon. ^_^