Haihai peeps! This is my first attempt at novelizing sitcom material so don't worry if the humor comes off a little awkward. I don't own anything or anyone Star Wars or Metal Gear Solid related. I don't own Samus or Legacy High School (but I'm going there next year) Everything else is MINE. NO STEALING. Enjoy the fic.
June, 2005. It was a happy time for Princess Hannah, the young leader of The Crystal Alliance. Not just because her Star Wars comrades from the past had completed their standard lives and would be living with her and the others forever, but because she had just graduated from Junior High School. She knew that she had a lot ahead of her when she got into Legacy High School, but at least she had the summer to chill first.
Anyway, back to the Star Wars people. Now that they were virtually free from the restrictions of the Jedi Council, Anakin and Obi-Wan were free to do with their love lives as they wished. Obi-Wan and his girlfriend, Samus Aran, had decided to keep it to steady dating. Let's see how long that lasts…
"Wow," said Hannah to Padmé as the two walked together through the lush green fields that surrounded Royal Palace on the planet E-Max "That was some party you guys threw for me last night. I don't think I ever got to thank you…"
"You did," said Padmé "Thirty times."
"Oh yeah…" said Hannah, the memory coming back to her. Hannah was a Mouse E-Maxen, standing at about 5'6", her faux-Mohawk hairdo tied up with a yellow ribbon and a flowing red cape hung around her neck, her white fur covering her all over except at the hands, feet and tail. Okay, enough with those descriptions. Just picture Pinky 5'6" without the buck teeth and blue eyes. Padmé was, of course, human. Brown hair, brown eyes with a simple blue-trimmed white t-shirt and bleached slacks.
"Goodness, isn't this just a gorgeous day?" said Padmé, changing the subject. She was right, it was quite mild and there was a gentle breeze blowing.
"I know," said Hannah "Not a cloud in sight! Oh, wait there's one off there in the distance but other than that, not a cloud in sight!" A sudden shadow fell over the duo. "Aaaaaaaaaand the one on top of us…"
"Hey!" said Padmé, pointing to Royal Palace "Without the sunlight shining on the palace, you can see in all the windows!"
"Hey, you're right!" said Hannah. Suddenly, a strong wind blew up and blew off Padmé's shawl.
"Great," she said, running after it. Hannah turned back to Royal Palace, scanning the windows again. She stopped at one of the main bedrooms when her eyes met two familiar faces deep in conversation.
"Hey, it's Obi-Wan and Samus!" said Hannah and started waving vigorously to try and get their attention. "Hey guys!" she yelled "Down here!" Then, she froze. Obi-Wan and Samus had started taking each other's clothes off. That could only mean one thing.
"Oh…oh my God…" said Hannah, quietly at first but then her voice began to rise "Oh my God…OH MY FREAKING GOD! PADME! PADME!" Having retrieved her shawl, Padmé came running back. "OBI-WAN AND SAMUS! OBI-WAN AND SAMUS!"
"OH MY GOD…" said Padmé and the two began yelling at the same time. Finally, Hannah turned to Padmé and cried "THEY'RE DOING IT! THEY'RE DOING IT!"
"Yes, Hannah!" said Padmé, trying to get her to stop freaking out "I know they're 'doing it!' I can see them!"
"Padmé," said Hannah in a lower voice "They're doing it."
"Yes, Hannah, I know!" said Padmé, then she sighed "Okay, we just saw Obi-Wan and Samus 'doing it' in the window. What's the first thing we do?" Hannah thought for a moment.
"Don't tell Anakin," she said.
"Okay, what's the second thing we do?" said Padmé.
"Try and figure out what the hell is going on!" said Hannah.
A little later that day, Hannah and Padmé were sitting in the café room of Royal Palace, sipping milkshakes and discussing the "affair" from earlier. Various other Crystal Rangers were seated at various tables around the room. At the table behind the girl's couch, Secret Service operatives Solid Snake and fiancé Meryl Silverburgh were deep in conversation about government. Don't worry, Metal Gear fanboys and girls, they'll be in in a minute.
"So," said Padmé "Ever since we got back…you think…I mean…all those times they said they were going out to lunch or playing pool or…oh! All that time Samus spent on the internet trying to find a new skin-care kit?"
"Yep," said Hannah "Doin' it, doin' it, cyber doin' it."
"Don't you think we should tell someone?" said Padmé.
"Yeah," said Hannah "Snake."
"Snake?" said Padmé in a loud whisper. Hannah tried to shush her but Snake and Meryl had already turned in their direction. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," Hannah whispered "I think he ought to know. I mean, he IS Samus' ex-boyfriend and it would be safe to tell him because he's happily engaged to Meryl right now! And, think about it, if…hi." She stopped, noticing that Snake and Meryl were staring at them.
"Pardon me, ladies," said Snake "But you know I don't like people talking about me behind me back like that…literally."
"Actually, Snake," said Hannah "There was something kinda important we wanted to tell you."
"Meryl, you might want to hear this too," said Padmé.
"Alright," said Meryl and she and Snake got and moved to the couch across from Hannah and Padmé. Snake was, in short, a tall, masculine, uber-sexy super-soldier in a stealth suit with a bandana and a mullet. Meryl was a bit shorter and had on a black tank-top over a pair of dark khakis and fingerless gloves on her hands. Her red-ish brown hair bounced slightly as she sat down next to Snake.
"So, what's the big news?" Snake inquired. Hannah and Padmé grinned.
"Well," said Hannah "You know how Samus and Obi-Wan said they were gonna try and keep their relationship steady?"
"Yeah," said Snake and Meryl together.
"They lied," said Hannah.
"Hannah and I were outside earlier," said Padmé "And we saw them 'doing it' in the window."
"Damn," said Snake "I should've expected that."
"Yeah," said Hannah "But this is good because that means that Samus is over y…wait." She stopped "Snake? Did you know about this already?"
"No, I didn't," said Snake, truthfully. Meryl, however, looked a little uneasy.
"Um, actually, guys," she said "I knew."
"You knew?" the other three cried.
"When did you find out?" said Snake.
"Just yesterday," said Meryl "I was getting a little suspicious about Samus' behavior so I tapped into one of her phone conversations with Obi-Wan…"
Meryl's Flashback
Meryl picked up the phone and put her hand over the mouthpiece so that Samus would be unaware of her intrusion.
"So, handsome," said Samus, seductively "'Doing' anything this afternoon?"
"Not without you," said the British accent that Meryl recognized as Obi-Wan's voice. Then, there was a nervous pause "Do you think that any of the others might be on to us?" said Obi-Wan. Meryl wanted to hang up the phone, but at the same time she wanted to hear more.
"I doubt it," said Samus "I'll just tell anyone who asks that I'll be playing pool."
"Pool?" said Obi-Wan, slyly "Is that my new nickname?" Meryl clapped a hand to her mouth in astonishment and just stood there for a moment before finally hanging up.
"So…" said Padmé "You knew before us?"
"Well, yeah," said Meryl, sheepishly "But that doesn't really matter now because now you know and you know I know!"
"Well," said Hannah "That's true…"
"Aaaaaaaand," said Meryl, a sly grin growing on her face "Since they don't know that we know, this might give us an opportunity to…you know…mess with them."
"Ooo!" said Hannah "Ooo! I like! I like a lot!" Padmé nodded her approval. Snake, however, had to interject.
"No," he said "No, you don't 'like a lot'." The girls looked at him in surprise.
"What?" said Padmé. Snake took a deep breath before continuing.
"Look," he said "You girls handle this however you want, just leave me out of it!"
"Wow," said Hannah "Snake, I thought you liked porn!"
"I do!" said Snake "But this is Samus we're talking about! There's a difference between reading Playboy and involving yourself, especially spying on, your ex-girlfriend's sex life!"
"Wow," said Hannah, looking behind Snake "Perfect timing." Snake and Meryl turned around to see Obi-Wan and Samus themselves coming in. They went up to the counter and immediately engaged in playfully conversation. Obi-Wan was wearing his usual Jedi tunic but had recently shaved his facial hair and died his usually brown hair black. Hannah thought it made him look sexy. Samus, out of her usual armor, was wearing jeans and a bright red vest over a white t-shirt. A red clip held her blond hair up in the back. "Act normal. They won't acknowledge our existence," said Hannah.
"So," said Samus, casually "There's going to be a special frozen foods discount starting at the grocery tomorrow. Want to come and we'll do a little shopping?"
"I wish you'd stop referring to us as 'a little shopping'," said Obi-Wan "But I'd love to do it with you." Meryl's jaw dropped.
"So, that's their code…" said Snake as Samus and Obi-Wan left.
"Is it just me," said Hannah "Or is everything they say an invitation for sex disguised as 'doing something'?"
"Oh, they'll be 'doing something' alright," said Meryl.
"Hey, guys!" said a cheerful voice from behind them. Everyone turned to see Raiden and his girlfriend, Rosemary, standing near them. Raiden was a young, blonde, blue-eyed, albino ninja in a stealth suit who could easily be mistaken for a girl from a distance. Rosemary was clad in formal-looking yellow office attire, the shoulders of which were covered by her long brown hair. Raiden looked at the group, then at the other people in the café before leaning down and whispering "So, what'd we miss?"
"You guys might want to sit down for this," said Padmé, smiling.
"Indeed," said Snake, sounding sarcastic as Raiden and Rosemary sat down "Because, boy have these girls got a story for you!" He got up to leave. Hannah glared.
"Hold it right there, Snakey!" she said, grabbing Snake with her psychic powers "You're in this up to your mullet whether you like it or not!" She forced him back down on the couch. Snake groaned as Hannah and the others began to fill Raiden and Rosemary in. Little did they know that this was only the beginning of something weirder.
And weirder it does get! If any of you have seen the "Friends" episode "The One Where Everyone Finds Out", you know where this is going. For all you "Higher Ground" fangirls out there, don't despair. Scott will be coming next chapter.