Author's Notes: Really long chapter…no joke. It's for all of you for
being so lovely. ^__~
Kanashi made a site for me (that I am glad to say that I wrote the things in LOL) If you want to look at it, the link is:
http:// www.geocities.com / kitkeolla/
(Just close the spaces)
By the way, I got nominated for Season 4 on the Elimination Nomination site (for those who know what it is). Hmm...I'll give you all the link when Season 4 does start. ^__^
Disclaimer: Kit doesn't own the characters…she's too poor to be owning a multi-million project.
Behind the Masquerade
Yearning
*Thank you to Kanashi for beta-ing this chapter*
Her feet dangled from the railings as she stared down at the distance between the ground and her body. The height didn't frighten her now as much as it would have before she had died. She had met once with Death, and although she realized just how truly horrible, striping, alone it was, she couldn't say she was scared of it. She became conscious of how fickle living was, and that one's life could easily slip through the fingers like water.
The rain had stopped during the night, and although the rim she was sitting on was still slightly slick, she just didn't bother worrying. Perhaps some would say she changed, but could they blame her? If Death had tapped them on the shoulder to pull them underwater, would they still live every day like Death didn't exist? She had also learned of pain---mentally and physically---and that would always leave a scar.
She really didn't want to think about it. He had held her for what seemed like hours as she sobbed her heart out, her wails almost turning her voice hoarse. She couldn't stop yesterday when she had started crying. All of her emotions had exploded in an assault of unexplainable mental attacks. The only thing she could do was hold on tight to her support and let her frustrations pour out.
And all he had done was held her close to him until she had almost passed out from the mixture of fatigue and rain. Then he had taken his haori off and wrapped her small body in it, carrying her on his back as she slowly fell asleep, his body sending small comforts and warmth to her soul.
She didn't know if Sango knew…she didn't know about Miroku…what had happened to Rin? Sesshoumaru? How would Lady Komiya react? How would King Komiya act? Where was Shippo? How would she explain everything…to everybody? To Inuyasha?
She felt a cool morning breeze blow past her from her left, blowing through her hair and lifting it into the air. It caused her to hold tighter onto the railings as the breeze passed, just as soon as it had come. She sighed, tired.
"It's dangerous to do that," a voice suddenly reprimanded angrily. It caught Kagome's attention instantly.
She turned to look to her right, and saw Inuyasha leaning against the railings and staring at her, the usual smirk off of his face, replaced by a serious expression, complete with thin lips. She looked away. "I'm living on the edge then," she whispered half-sarcastically, although she twisted around on the railings and put her feet back on solid ground. She smiled gently at the concerned expression she had managed to squeeze out of the hanyou when she had twirled 180 degrees.
"Then afterwards, you'll fall off the edge," he answered gravely, looking down at the ground self-consciously. He could survive that fall --- he jumped from these heights after all --- but she was just a simple human girl who was frail and would break at the mere contact with the ground from this high of a height.
There was a tense silence as the same small enigmatic smile stayed on her face, some pained expression evident in her eyes. She slowly turned to look at him, her eyes twinkling as she felt the wind blow around them. It stayed like that for a few moments as the two stared at each other, each person trying to break the others' mental barrier and guess what was on each others' mind.
"Aren't you going to ask?" she whispered suddenly, keeping the intense staring contest with him going. "Don't you want to know?"
A small side of his lips turned up as he snorted slightly. "Of course I would want to know. Why don't you tell me everything then?"
Something flickered behind her eyes as she turned her face away, towards the ocean, so that he was staring at the back of her head. "To tell you everything would be to die again," she murmured lightly, her heart clenching against her ribcage. She lifted a hand over her heart as she bit her lower lip.
"…Again?"
She closed her eyes, allowing her other senses to feel her surroundings. She could hear the ocean at the coast, she could smell the salty substance wafting from the waters, but she could sense Inuyasha staring at her, waiting for an explanation. How could she tell him? To tell him she had been revived by the one person she hated the most, and that she couldn't kill Naraku, because to kill him would be suicide. How could she tell him he could never kill Naraku even if he wanted to, because she would die? How could he look at her and see a …friend…and she look at him and see someone she must betray?
"I was forced to come back…I couldn't leave this life," she mumbled, trying to sugarcoat the truth. Kagura's words came back to her.
"Anyone can sugarcoat the truth and pretend it's something it's not. Things are never what they seem and around every corner, someone is living through a façade."
She was one of them, wasn't she? She was one of those who lived through a façade.
"My soul was dragged back to my body, but I could have chosen to live or die. I chose to live only because I couldn't let go of some…" she hesitated, then continued, "Some things." She stared at him as she said those last words, although a bewildered expression was all she got in return. She clenched her hands in her kimono.
"How though…how did your soul return?"
She chuckled a bit. "It was forced back by the one person to ever play around with my feelings," she said softly, continuing to look peacefully at Inuyasha. "It was dragged back to Earth by ...him..."
A heartbeat skipped. The wind died down. The waves' crashes warped far away.
"The guy who left you for Kikyou…?" Inuyasha almost had a hard time forcing those words out of his own mouth. By her silence and tense posture however, it was all the answers he needed. "Why…?"
Her heart twisted in a way she never thought possible. 'Why' was such a hard question to answer sometimes. "I don't know," she lied, as she looked away from his entrancing golden orbs. "I don't know why he brought me back." She was lying again. Their whole relationship was based on lies and betrayal. Was this how she had wanted things to turn out?
She had only known him for…how long? But she felt as if she had known him forever. Now that the night had passed, she had only four days to find the Shikon no Tama. Four more days till it would be three weeks since she had met Inuyasha. Four more days of friendship before perhaps, everything would be abruptly ripped away to be replaced with the true horror of betrayal.
He had been silent for a while before he said, "I think you would want to talk to Sango…everyone knows. They've just been avoiding you because they don't know why…or how to confront you."
She nodded silently and watched from the corner of her eyes as he refrained from entering his room. Turning to glance once at her, he muttered grudgingly, "But even though he hurt you…I don't know why, but I'm glad he brought you back."
Then he was gone.
She stayed quiet for a long time, the words he had spoken slowly trying to penetrate the wall in her mind. When it eventually did, her heart pained that much more. Would he have been glad Naraku brought her back if he knew her life was now connected to his? Would he have been glad if he realized she was sent to take away something that could ultimately cause his kingdom to crumble, although she didn't want anyone close to her getting hurt? Which was worse? To be hurt by being betrayed or to be hurt because she didn't betray and try to stop it?
"Now I don't know if it was better to have stayed dead or alive…" she whispered as she pushed off the railings and began walking back into the room. She had just taken one step into the bedroom when there was a knock on the door. Kagome's breath stopped. "Come in," she whispered, and watched as the person slowly pushed the door open. She didn't really know if she wanted to talk to Sango now.
But instead of her cousin walking in, it was a person she hadn't expected to appear. Kanna.
Her eyes widened as she watched the small child walk in, her skin as pale as ever and her eyes the same apathetic gleam. Her black pupils locked with Kagome's as she drifted in with a tray in her hands, filled with breakfast. Kagome bit her lip as she watched the young maid put the tray of food on the table, explaining, "The king ordered me to bring your food up."
Kagome nodded as Kanna turned around, walking towards the door. Kagome thought she was just here, continuing her job, before the girl's sharp, yet smooth voice said, "He's watching you, Kagome."
Kagome's heart felt like it stopped as Kanna glided out of the door, only to collide with someone else who had been listening the entire time. Kagome gulped when she saw Kanna slowly narrow her eyes, seeing Sango rubbing her chest where Kanna had bumped into.
"I'm sorry, Princess Sango. I will watch where I am going next time," the maid whispered before she turned and walked down the corridor.
The comment and her sudden departure left a stunned Sango in her place and an equally horrified expression on Kagome's face. Sango probably heard. She probably heard everything. And to make matters worse, Kanna had called Sango Princess. She had used Sango's correct title…that meant one thing. Sango would ask how.
"How does that girl know…?" Sango started quietly, walking into the room and closing the door silently behind her. "She knows I'm not your bodyguard."
Kagome stared back at her. So it wasn't the perfect meeting between two best friends, but she knew she had it coming. Someone would have soon figured it out, and then maybe everyone would find out. Following that, there would be hell to pay. "You know how."
Sango kept her glance zeroed onto Kagome, as she tried to comprehend two things at once --- Kagome was back, and Kagome was back with a bigger secret. "It's him, isn't it?" she whispered breathlessly, as if afraid to speak his name in front of Kagome. "He's the one watching you."
As if a bit self-conscious, Kagome looked around just to make sure Naraku wasn't hiding behind any curtains and would jump out at her when she began to talk. Satisfied, she turned her attention back to her cousin, a bittersweet smile on her lips. "He is," she confirmed.
"Why Kagome...?" Sango looked torn as she took slow steps towards the younger girl. "Why…?"
It was always the unanswerable 'why'...
Kagome stayed quiet. She wasn't sure she wanted to lie to another person because Sango already knew too much. Lying to her best friend was always a bad idea.
"He was the one who brought me back to life. He was the one who tricked me into helping him and this time, I won't be able to back out. He's not after Shippo's life now…he's after everybody's," Kagome gushed out as she felt Sango stop in her steps, only a few steps away from her. She could feel her fists clench as she continued talking. "He was the one who took me all the way to death and back. It's a horrible feeling, Sango…to die and come back. It's… horrible."
Kagome suddenly went taut when she felt arms circle around her, and although it didn't give her the warmth Inuyasha's hugs did, it did some good in putting some calm and sensibility in her.
"I could only imagine," Sango whispered as she let go of her cousin. "But why, Kagome? Why is he watching you…?"
Kagome's eyes diverted to the ground, refusing to look up at Sango. "My life is connected to his…that's why I'm alive. He's the medium for my survival. If he dies, I do too."
There was that constant tense silence Kagome was accustomed with. It came a lot with her explanations because although they were far-fetched, they were as close to reality as truth could come. People seemed to have a hard time taking it all in. She knew she would find it hard to believe if she heard that too, so she didn't blame them.
"You're connected to the bastard…?" Sango hissed, her magenta eyes flashing brighter. "That bastard has just sunk to a level I never thought possible! How could he?!"
Kagome looked away from her flashing red eyes, not wanting to face it. "But because of that, it's the only reason I'm actually here talking to you. I don't know whether this is in my favor or his, although it does seem like it's leaning towards him."
"Kagome…this isn't your fault. The only reason you…died...is because of him." Sango still had problems coping with the fact that her cousin, her best friend, the only other girl she really knew, had died and been revived. So much had happened in the simple span of a week, it was almost dramatic. "He should be obligated to revive you since he was responsible. He shouldn't be also taking this opportunity to his own advantage! That's low!"
"But there's nothing I can do." Kagome collapsed onto her bed, staring at the fists in her lap. "You don't know how torn I am right now. Both should be the right thing to do, but I would be betraying someone either way, and I don't ever want to see someone die."
"Kagome…just give him the thing he wants," Sango whispered, walking to stand in front of the younger girl.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
Kagome clenched her fists even tighter, causing crescent moon marks to appear on her pale skin. "The thing he wants… I was told it gives the owner incredible power. To give it to Naraku would be saving everyone's lives…but for how long? How can I do the right thing when both are wrong?"
"Kagome…"
"And that's not the only thing tearing me apart…there's something else."
Sango stared, already understanding what the next topic was. "You care for him."
Kagome looked up surprised, as if she was genuinely shocked someone knew about the concern she held for the hanyou. "How did you know…?" she mumbled, her voice soft.
"Oh please, Kagome…I know more than you think," Sango explained, a bittersweet smile on her face. I know everything that would hurt you, Kagome. I know you care about Inuyasha and you don't know he's the one man you thought you cared for first. I know you knew him before you thought you met him. I know he was the man you met at the masquerade, and I know how hard it is for you to watch him get married off to your sister. "I'm your best friend."
Kagome smiled a bit. "Thank you, Sango."
The other girl returned the gesture. "You're always welcome." She sat down next to Kagome, silently listening to the birds chirp as they flew around in the crispy air outside. "Well…what are you going to do about it?"
Kagome blinked owlishly. "Do about what?"
Sango stared at her like she was dumb. "About Inuyasha and you."
Kagome instantly grew flaming red at the mere mention of Inuyasha and herself, before she calmed down a bit and looked away from her cousin. "Nothing…of course."
"Why not?"
"He's going to get married to Kikyou. He should like Kikyou."
Sango gazed at the other girl for a moment, trying to figure out whether she was serious or not. Did Kagome really think Inuyasha liked Kikyou? Maybe like as in understanding like, but it never really looked like the romantic type of like. His romantic like only seemed to be rearing its ugly head over at Kagome…and the girl couldn't see?
"Are you blind?"
Kagome looked up, continuing to blink owlishly. "Blind?" she echoed uncertainly, "To what?"
Kagome watched as her cousin got up from the bed, walking over to the door with a troubled expression on her face. What was she blind to? She cared about Inuyasha, and it hurt to see him go, but he didn't belong to her. He rightfully belonged to his sister, who would marry him in due time.
"Kagome…don't let anyone else tell you otherwise, but I missed you…a lot," Sango whispered as she turned away to glance at Kagome from the door. There was a small, weak smile on her face, and for once, Kagome noticed the dark rings under the older girl's eyes. She looked tired…had she worried that much? Had her death affected Sango this much?
"I know you missed me…I missed you too," Kagome answered quietly, reflecting off the same weak smile as Sango although she didn't notice.
Sango giggled resignedly as she shook her head, mumbling, "But I think you're blind to the fact of who missed you more than I had."
Then she walked out, leaving Kagome with her confused thoughts of who could have possibly missed her more than her best friend.
~*~
He walked down the corridor quietly, trying to sort through his feelings. It wasn't that he didn't understand at least a bit of what they were trying to say…it was only because he didn't understand at all. It hurt being without her…it hurt being with her. He wanted to see her…he didn't want to see her. Where were all these juxtapositions coming from?
And most of all, she was only a simple girl. How and when had he started to feel so strongly for her?
Damnit… he thought as he clenched his fists by his side, causing his knuckles to turn white. "She's just a regular girl…"
"And yet?" a voice inquired gently.
He looked up and came face to face with calm grey eyes, the color an icy, composed glint. He narrowed his eyes out of instinct. How had the girl gotten so close without him sensing anything? Had he been so deep in thought he hadn't heard Kikyou?
"Nothing," he snapped back sulkily, irritated that she had heard him talk to himself. Then remembering that if she was here, she would want to talk to him, he shot out in a further annoyed manner, "What?"
The same cold features remained on her face as she replied evenly, "I can't talk to the man whom I will marry?"
A weight felt like it had been dropped on his head as he winced a bit at her words, remembering that he was marrying Kikyou. She had all the right to talk to him, and he had no right to stop her from trying to. But that was why he had been trying to avoid her for the past few days. To talk to her would be facing the truth.
"Not when I'm in a bad mood," he mumbled, hoping she didn't catch it.
However, the lift of questioning eyebrows said otherwise. She didn't take any steps forwards towards him, but chose to keep her distance as she surveyed his every move. Her face went back to neutrality and she said quite coolly, "You can't like her."
He felt like she had just slapped him across the face with that single comment, and a taut tense silence followed as he looked at everything except his fiancée. However, being a male without patience, he quietly protested with a "Why?"
He could feel her eyes burning into head as she whispered, "Because you're mine, and you're going to marry me. And also because I like you…" A dead chuckle sounded from her lips. "For everything I've done, she could only allow me this one happiness."
"By having me?" he asked, looking up with a slight scowl on his face. "…Even if I don't like you back?"
She challenged his scowl with a frown of her own. "Do you?"
The silence continued as the two stared darkly at each other, with Inuyasha only slightly understanding Kikyou's words. What did she mean Kagome could allow her this one happiness by letting her have him? She hardly made sense at times…but she liked him? He's…hers?
"I'm not yours," he shot out, ignoring her question.
"Why? Because I'll betray you?" There was a sadistic smile on her face because she knew the double meaning to those words. After all, she was sent out by Naraku too.
"Would you?"
"Maybe. Trusting someone is such a fussy thing, isn't it? You never know who is the one lying...and the one betraying. Life is such an unpredictable game."
Inuyasha's frown got deeper as they remained far from each other--- a good fifteen feet away. "What are you trying to say?"
"Caring for somebody blinds everyone from the true road we must all take. I'm no different…you're no different either," she explained, although Inuyasha couldn't understand the words spurting from her mouth. "But you can't care for her…don't care for her…I can make you happy."
"Against my will?"
"Only to save you."
Inuyasha turned away from the dark, grey eyes. She really wasn't making sense, and he doubt she would just say it directly. She seemed to be the elusive kind of woman and to play her game would only perplex him further.
"You have a duty as my future husband," she suddenly ordered, a sharp sound against the deserted corridor.
"And what is that?" he questioned dryly.
Another dry chuckle left her lips. "Your first duty is fidelity…" she whispered in a feather-light voice, before she swirled around, her kimono twirling around gracefully with her movement.
His head shot up to see her moving down the corridor, as collected and poised as ever. She really was an elegant person, although her words stung him. He had to remain faithful to his future wife…? Well, of course he would have to if he married her. Dog demons kept life-mates. But…what if the mates were forced?
Well, he supposed he could learn to love her. The woman would definitely intrigue him with her mysteries and intangible comments, but could he really learn to live with somebody who seemed so…perfect in a deadly, cool manner? Could he learn to love someone who seemed to have so many layers to her that the true girl inside was lost to darkness and betrayal?
"Let's see if I can remain loyal then," he said inaudibly to her ears as she turned around to face him with the same impartial expression.
"By the way, talk with your mother over the engagement ball…she wants one," she said, her eyes narrowing slightly. As if content with the shocked look on the hanyou's face, she nodded as a gesture for goodbye and turned around the corner, lost to his view.
He narrowed his own eyes as he slowly comprehended those words. Kikyou was definitely serious about the entire marriage, wasn't she?
Feeling the need to slam a fist into the wall, although his mother wouldn't like another hole in the castle walls, he decided to just stomp over to his mother's room to talk about the 'engagement ball.' There was no way he could get out of this betrothal and he secretly knew it was the right thing to do, but he couldn't help but dread it. He had never been one to dream of marrying for love, but now, he didn't even know the reason he was marrying Kikyou. This felt like his duty… but was his duty to marry someone he didn't love? Or was his duty to produce an heir?
It would have been so much easier if he never met Kagome. If he never met her, he might run away right now, although that was unlikely, or he might just have already accepted the marriage. However, considering she was in the picture, marrying someone he didn't love as a duty sounded exactly how it was worded---a simple duty. And he hated it.
To marry her sister only made it worse.
After a few minutes of stomping down the corridor and stairs to his mother's room, Inuyasha suddenly felt all the fight he had gathered, lost when he stood right in front of the door. So what was he supposed to say? 'I'll marry Kikyou and accept the engagement ball?' or 'I absolutely refuse to marry someone I don't love?' One-on-one talks with his mother usually ended up in her favor, and he knew that if his mother wanted him to marry Kikyou, he wouldn't be able to say no.
He knocked.
"Inuyasha? Come in," a feminine voice announced from the other side of the door.
Inuyasha sighed as he walked in with his ears flat against his head and his gaze fixed to the ground. He could almost feel his mother sitting down at her usual spot, playing with her roses. He didn't know whether to talk to the woman first, or should he wait for her to start speaking. However, he didn't have to wait long.
"You look down," she stated simply, and her sweet voice lured Inuyasha to look up. It clashed with the vibrant violet of her mother's eyes and he gulped inaudibly, wondering how he should answer.
"I'm fine." He decided to be safe.
"I see." She turned away to pay attention to her flowers again. Inuyasha watched her silently as she put flower after flower into the vase, arranging them prettily and to her tastes. How many times as a child had he watched his mother do this? Those uncomplicated days seemed so far away now.
"When's the engagement party?" he asked quietly, already slowly succumbing to his fates as he shuffled closer to his mother. "And do I really have to get married?"
"Inuyasha," Lady Komiya said sternly, continuing with her floral arrangements. "Are you asking to back out of the marriage? Kikyou has accepted the betrothal and the wedding is coming in less than two weeks. How can you ask if you are ready to marry at a time like this?"
Inuyasha didn't waste time answering that question. "It's too sudden. You and father chose it…I didn't."
Lady Komiya sighed and slanted a tired glance over at her son. "Inuyasha," she repeated. "If we allowed you to choose your wife, I would have died and went to my grave before I saw you marry. This was the only way to ensure ties with the Higurashis as well, and Kikyou is a nice girl…" Her voice got lower near the end of the sentence. "She'll be a good wife."
"It doesn't matter whether she's a good wife or not!" Inuyasha protested with a slight frown. "I…I don't love her."
"You want to marry for love?"
"No! But…"
"Only a few people in this world marry and actually love the person they're marrying. Perhaps you'll learn to love Kikyou?"
Inuyasha felt overwhelmed suddenly as he bit his lower lip. "How do you know? You and father married for love! You and he fell in love against your parent's wishes…don't you want the same happiness for me?"
"Inuyasha…you're saying you want to marry for love."
The previous thought about slamming his fists into the wall sounded incredibly enticing again. "I don't know!" he growled out in frustration.
"Well…who is it that you care for then?"
"No one." The answer had been quick, abrupt---instant. It held no meaning behind it, but only a forced one. His eyes looked away again as he shuffled his feet, his irritation gone to be replaced by nervousness. "I don't care about anyone so much that I would want to marry them."
A twinkle was seen behind Lady Komiya's eyes. "Then what is the matter with marrying Kikyou if you don't care for another girl?"
Inuyasha sighed in a defeated manner. His mother had outdid him once more, and he was finding himself yielding to her words again. "Nothing…" he hissed quietly, pouting. "Nothing is the matter…"
Lady Komiya smiled weakly as she pulled out a rose, stripping it off its thorns gently. "I learned something from someone a while ago. She realized a rose can represent one's feelings and that its beauty represents those specific feelings. But the thorns on the roses can be the hindrances, the pain, the hatred, and also the betrayals. But you can always take out the thorns…although you have to work to take them out. There will be dents and scars on the stem to remind everyone of the thorns, but they can be faded. It's the same with love…you have to work to gain and learn the meaning. Work to learn to love Kikyou...but only if you want."
Inuyasha stayed silent for a while before nodding in understanding. "If it pleases you…I'll try to love her."
Lady Komiya smiled again, as she put the rose back into the vase. "Inuyasha, please don't sound like you are only doing this to please me. Remember, I love you and your happiness is everything to me…but we can't have everything in this world. Ultimately, it's your choice, do you want to marry Kikyou or would you rather not? Speak from your heart."
Inuyasha felt the specific organ start to twist and thump in his chest. His mother was finally giving him a choice to choose his destiny. He really wanted to say the truth---he didn't want to marry Kikyou. He would rather not. But looking straight into his mother's eyes, he saw some kind of pleading look in them. He couldn't decipher what it meant, but maybe she wanted him to say he would? Or was the pleading look to tell him to follow his heart? His happiness was everything to her…?
So was his mother's happiness to him. If it made her happy…
"I'll marry Kikyou."
A delicate smile appeared on the lips of the woman. "Then you're sealing your own fate if this is truly what you want. No regrets? No backing out later on?" A dark shadow eclipsed the woman's eyes. "No secrets?"
Inuyasha had to hold his breath when he answered half-convincingly, even to himself. No secrets…? "None."
"Then your engagement ball will be in four days."
Inuyasha could almost feel a rock form in his throat at the announcement. Was he lying? Yes…he was. He was lying about everything and he was only making things run downhill even more…but he couldn't stop it and he didn't know what to say. The only thing he could do was nod and turn away from his mother to walk out the door. He was stopped by her voice though.
"By the way, Inuyasha…? Tell Kagome that when she is ready to tell everybody how she came back…we'll listen. I'll listen. For now…thank her for making our lives proper again. Thank her for being the light and sunshine…we haven't had much until she came along."
Words and situations could be so ironic at times. A bittersweet smile manifested on the hanyou's face as he nodded, not turning to look at his mother. "I understand," he grounded out, making it sound pleasant.
And yet he knew that agreeing and complying with a lie was only making the hole he was trapped in slowly fill with water…and he wasn't the only one drowning.
~*~
Hours passed and a late dinner soon began when the sun had surrendered to nightfall. People came in belated and there was an uneasy tension thick in the air. The strain could easily be traced to Kagome, because although she had refused to come down to breakfast and lunch, she had to come down sometime, and dinner was that time. If all the stares and secret glances thrown her way weren't enough, a maid nearly tripped over when Kagome smiled up at her when she has been refilling the princess' pitcher. She guessed the entire kingdom knew by now and was all wondering how she could have come back because usually, it was utterly impossible to cheat Death.
Kagome kept her gaze trained down at her food and ate at a steady pace, not wanting to finish too fast or go too slow. She knew everyone was well aware of her presence, yet did not want to speak out. Friend, family, acquaintance, or not, relationships would be tested when one died and came back to life, and emotions would be edgy. Why and how would always be asked, but with the answer being denied, trust was hard to keep.
"Father, I have heard from a spy from the wolves' kingdom," Sesshoumaru announced over his food as he put some rice delicately into his mouth.
A few people close to Kagome could see the flinch of her body when she heard "wolves." They wouldn't know it, but she was terrified of them. She could still remember the way that one wolf had choked her, thrown her, cursed her, and eventually killed her. She would never forget it, not when her body still ached, and her memories always remembered those cold, blood-red eyes.
"I see. And…?" King Komiya asked warily, flickering a quick glance over to Kagome who was staring down at her food. Even from where he sat, he could feel the tension Sesshoumaru's words were causing.
"He has heard that the wolves have suffered a great loss in their military numbers. They won't try to retaliate, at least for a long time, but there are even rumors about trying to settle the feud with an attempt at a treaty of alliance," Sesshoumaru drawled coolly, his golden eyes not moving from his own food, although he was anything but nervous.
"A treaty of alliance? If they had won this battle, we wouldn't have our kingdom. Do they believe an alliance will save their kingdom and stop us from attacking when our own numbers grow?" King Komiya stated angrily, a frown appearing on his regal face expressions. "Their method of attack---divide and conquer---had been tricky. If it hadn't been for Inuyasha, they wouldn't be back at their territory with their tails between their legs, but rather, they would be boasting about how clever they were to overtake ours."
"However, father, my spy has also announced that their king has died from mortal wounds this morning. Their prince has stepped up to the throne, and the rumors came that he had spoken to his council and announced the plan of alliance. It is not sure whether it is just a rumor or not, although the prince is said to be much more lenient, albeit still brutal, than his deceased father." Sesshoumaru lifted an eyebrow after his speech. "I actually believe that if this rumor is true, it would be a great advantage to our forces. There have been more rumors about another kingdom off to Outer Territories planning to steal the…jewel from us. I doubt that is true, but if it is, an alliance with the wolves could be a gain."
"That is if they don't rebel," Inuyasha snapped suddenly, a snarl coming from his mouth. "They just tried to kill us all. What if this alliance is to make us keep our guards down, then they were the ones who allied with the kingdom off the Outer Territories? If they were our allies, they would know some slight information about our military forces…that isn't good, especially not right after the battle. Stop being a stick up the ass, Sesshoumaru, and stop thinking about the possible gains to our kingdom, but rather concentrate on our damn safety!"
The elder brother lifted another interested eyebrow as he sent a icy glare over to the hanyou. "Are you afraid someone else might die? Someone close to you like…" There was an unreadable expression on the demon's face as he slanted a glance over to Kagome, before continuing, "…Your fiancée?" he said, the words slicing the barrier of the unspoken and hitting Inuyasha smack in the face.
"Everyone!" Inuyasha sputtered, and was about to open his mouth to continue, before King Komiya cut into the conversation abruptly, before it got uglier.
"Enough. Sesshoumaru, I have thought that if we do ally with the wolves, it would be an advantage, but it is too soon to see. We'll wait and see what happens. We don't want to jump into another trap. That's all. If we have to discuss more military details, we shall at our council meeting later. We will move onto another topic of discussion now."
Kagome felt nauseous. It was the type of nauseous where she felt like throwing up, but she really couldn't throw up. It made her chest constrict painfully and there was a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach, slowly working its way up throughout her body. It left her mouth feeling dry, and her heart beating wild, although no matter what she did, she couldn't throw up.
She put her chopsticks down, ready to just leave the tension, but Lady Komiya was a few seconds faster.
"Since everyone is down at dinner, I thought I'll like to announce something." She was smiling gently as she looked at the table of solemn expressions. "As all of you know, Inuyasha and Kikyou will be getting married in just under 14 days."
Kagome felt the nauseous feeling in the pit of the stomach intensify. Yes…Inuyasha and Kikyou were getting married soon.
"In four days, there will be an engagement ball. I expect everyone here to attend, no excuses, because it will be a happy day indeed." She shot her son a comforting smile as his prior vociferous self simmered down to a somewhat silenced echo of him. "Congratulations."
There was a deafening silence overwhelming the room at the declaration for the span of three seconds, before people slowly began to congratulate the couple around the table. Kikyou was as somber as Inuyasha, but the two accepted the congratulations without a fight. Miroku and Sango just smiled at the two and said "Congrats," while Rin squealed a bit and said a few sentences of good luck. Sesshoumaru just nodded, as Kagome caught a glance from his cold eyes.
It was such a simple glimpse, but it said a plethora of words to her mind. She could almost comprehend them all, but she didn't want to believe it. Fool. That was the biggest hint she caught from it.
Others continued to congratulate, before it got to the younger sister's turn. She held on tightly to her kimono under the table as she forced herself to beam at Kikyou and Inuyasha who were sitting next to each other. "Congratulations, Kikyou… Inuyasha," she whispered in a small voice, flickering her gaze from Kikyou to the hanyou. She could feel her heartstrings pull even more; almost overwhelming her as her smile, which would seem sincere to anyone else, took a bittersweet turn.
The two of their eyes caught for a moment as Inuyasha looked up to see what she would say. A part of him wished she would burst out that they shouldn't marry, but another part of him knew that it wouldn't happen. Kagome, on the other hand, felt as if her voice and ability to speak was taken away from her. She was afraid that if she opened her mouth, it would instigate something else that she would rather not have happen.
However, she had to say something sometime, and it came out strained as she muttered, "You both are meant to be." To anyone else, it would have sounded like she was joyous for the couple, but to herself, she knew it was the words to help her keep her distance.
And at that select moment, the truth hit her so hard in the face that she had to push herself away from the table, getting up with the fake smile on her lips. The truth tore her slowly apart as she gradually accepted the one thing she had tried to avoid. She should have known. She should have known all along the moment she wanted to see him before she died, wanted to see him during the five days at Naraku's, and she should have known when she saw him last night and was engulfed in it.
"I hope nothing but happiness comes to you both in the end. May you always love her and she, you. I'm going to go to sleep now. I'm tired."
Kikyou nodded slightly while Inuyasha stared at her with something in the depth of his golden eyes, before looking away. Kagome smiled slightly as she nodded to the king and queen and turned around, feeling light-headed as she walked towards the door.
She caught a sharp gaze from Sango, but ignored it. She didn't want to tell Sango what she realized, and although she had a feeling Sango already knew, she didn't want to confront them. These emotions, they were so overwhelming and unexpected, she just didn't want to acknowledge them.
"Good night," she whispered as she walked out of the door, hearing an almost chorused, 'Nite, Kagome' from the people inside the dining room. This sent another stab throughout her body as she found herself involuntarily pick out Inuyasha's voice.
She drifted down the quiet corridors, the whole castle dark without the guidance of the moonlight, for the moon was hidden behind thick clouds. It was the rain season for the Komiya Kingdom, and she knew that it would rain a lot until the end of her stay here.
The end…she thought sourly, as she walked up the stairs to her room. It'll come one day. And what then? Would I go back home and forget about my experiences here? Do my parents even know I'm alive…?
"I don't want to go," she muttered lightly as she got to the floor where her room was. "I don't want to leave."
I don't want to leave him…
Him. She had known him for…how long? It felt like ages that she had been here. But every time she looked into his eyes, she always felt like she was meeting him for the first time all over again. Every time there was contact between them, she could feel her heart jump as she struggled to brush off the innocent touch. She didn't want to fall for another guy, especially not when betrayal was in the relationship. Although she had been betrayed the other time, she didn't want him to feel the same thing she had. It would stay with him and her for the rest of their lives. She couldn't feel anything for him, and most of all, she shouldn't.
You're marrying my sister…Would you visit me years from now and think about all the things that we had endured? Would I still feel the same for you? Would you ever know how I felt?
"I hate you," she said as she reached her room, looking down at the ground with a grave expression on her face. She could already feel the pull in her chest as she continued with her thoughts. "I hate you for making me fall for you."
Pushing open the door, she floated into the room. Her hand instantly lifted up to push the door closed and she stood there, leaning against the door as she struggled to comprehend what she had just said. She could already feel the salty substance grow as she automatically lifted her hand up to her eyes, her body sliding down the wood as small, pained sobs escaped from her throat.
"Why do you make me cry!? Why did you make me care for you only to have you marry someone else!?" she screamed, the sobs gaining volume as she fell to the ground, supported by the door. It tore her apart when she was alone and could confront them, and the pain intensified as she accepted her problem. Her heart twisted in a way she hadn't thought possible as images of Inuyasha and Kikyou sitting next to each other invaded her mind.
"WHY?! I came back for you. For you!! Why do I have to betray you!? Why can't we be together!? I hate you! I hate you!! What do you want from me!?" she shrieked in a shrill voice, letting out heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, horrible cries escape from her mouth as she clenched her hands into tight fists, almost puncturing her own skin as she pushed them on her eyes. The tears kept on falling however, and the screams only gained level as it echoed around the room, escalating.
She started kicking her legs in a passionate moment of turmoil as more ear-splitting, deafening screams came from her mouth, her heart pounding against her breast as pain devastated her being. She wanted to throw something, tear something, rip something, kill something as she grabbed the closest thing to her --- a pot on the ground that she had been planning to give to the gardeners. That was forgotten now as she threw it at a wall with a driving force only created by one in immense grief, hearing the pieces shatter with a crash that couldn't compare to her own bawls.
"WHY DO I CARE FOR YOU!!" she let out in one last extreme screech, her breath heaving as the cries slowly soothed to choked sobs. She wondered if anyone heard her, or if anyone cared that she felt like she was dying---again.
Bringing her knees up to her chest, she continued sobbing as her arms circled around her knees. She clenched her fingers into the material of her kimono, wishing that there was somebody next to her who would engulf her in a warm embrace.
But who was she kidding?
I care for you…knowing you don't feel the same way. And I know…I know…
Her sob got lodged in her throat, causing her to let our a long, quivering sigh. The hot tears continued to prick her eyes as she sat there, alone in her misery, knowing she was only doing this to herself. She had never planned to feel so strongly for another man ever again, but things had turned ugly the minute she met him. And now? What now? Now, she was only left with the painful and ironic situations.
I love him…I love Inuyasha…
A/N: First admitting of "love" in the whole story. Surprising? I feel horrible now. When I make a character feel pain, I like accenting it. I think that's bad...oh well, This chapter was like two chapters in one. (8000 words…) Don't dare say I write short chapters now.
Kanashi made a site for me (that I am glad to say that I wrote the things in LOL) If you want to look at it, the link is:
http:// www.geocities.com / kitkeolla/
(Just close the spaces)
By the way, I got nominated for Season 4 on the Elimination Nomination site (for those who know what it is). Hmm...I'll give you all the link when Season 4 does start. ^__^
Disclaimer: Kit doesn't own the characters…she's too poor to be owning a multi-million project.
Behind the Masquerade
Yearning
*Thank you to Kanashi for beta-ing this chapter*
Her feet dangled from the railings as she stared down at the distance between the ground and her body. The height didn't frighten her now as much as it would have before she had died. She had met once with Death, and although she realized just how truly horrible, striping, alone it was, she couldn't say she was scared of it. She became conscious of how fickle living was, and that one's life could easily slip through the fingers like water.
The rain had stopped during the night, and although the rim she was sitting on was still slightly slick, she just didn't bother worrying. Perhaps some would say she changed, but could they blame her? If Death had tapped them on the shoulder to pull them underwater, would they still live every day like Death didn't exist? She had also learned of pain---mentally and physically---and that would always leave a scar.
She really didn't want to think about it. He had held her for what seemed like hours as she sobbed her heart out, her wails almost turning her voice hoarse. She couldn't stop yesterday when she had started crying. All of her emotions had exploded in an assault of unexplainable mental attacks. The only thing she could do was hold on tight to her support and let her frustrations pour out.
And all he had done was held her close to him until she had almost passed out from the mixture of fatigue and rain. Then he had taken his haori off and wrapped her small body in it, carrying her on his back as she slowly fell asleep, his body sending small comforts and warmth to her soul.
She didn't know if Sango knew…she didn't know about Miroku…what had happened to Rin? Sesshoumaru? How would Lady Komiya react? How would King Komiya act? Where was Shippo? How would she explain everything…to everybody? To Inuyasha?
She felt a cool morning breeze blow past her from her left, blowing through her hair and lifting it into the air. It caused her to hold tighter onto the railings as the breeze passed, just as soon as it had come. She sighed, tired.
"It's dangerous to do that," a voice suddenly reprimanded angrily. It caught Kagome's attention instantly.
She turned to look to her right, and saw Inuyasha leaning against the railings and staring at her, the usual smirk off of his face, replaced by a serious expression, complete with thin lips. She looked away. "I'm living on the edge then," she whispered half-sarcastically, although she twisted around on the railings and put her feet back on solid ground. She smiled gently at the concerned expression she had managed to squeeze out of the hanyou when she had twirled 180 degrees.
"Then afterwards, you'll fall off the edge," he answered gravely, looking down at the ground self-consciously. He could survive that fall --- he jumped from these heights after all --- but she was just a simple human girl who was frail and would break at the mere contact with the ground from this high of a height.
There was a tense silence as the same small enigmatic smile stayed on her face, some pained expression evident in her eyes. She slowly turned to look at him, her eyes twinkling as she felt the wind blow around them. It stayed like that for a few moments as the two stared at each other, each person trying to break the others' mental barrier and guess what was on each others' mind.
"Aren't you going to ask?" she whispered suddenly, keeping the intense staring contest with him going. "Don't you want to know?"
A small side of his lips turned up as he snorted slightly. "Of course I would want to know. Why don't you tell me everything then?"
Something flickered behind her eyes as she turned her face away, towards the ocean, so that he was staring at the back of her head. "To tell you everything would be to die again," she murmured lightly, her heart clenching against her ribcage. She lifted a hand over her heart as she bit her lower lip.
"…Again?"
She closed her eyes, allowing her other senses to feel her surroundings. She could hear the ocean at the coast, she could smell the salty substance wafting from the waters, but she could sense Inuyasha staring at her, waiting for an explanation. How could she tell him? To tell him she had been revived by the one person she hated the most, and that she couldn't kill Naraku, because to kill him would be suicide. How could she tell him he could never kill Naraku even if he wanted to, because she would die? How could he look at her and see a …friend…and she look at him and see someone she must betray?
"I was forced to come back…I couldn't leave this life," she mumbled, trying to sugarcoat the truth. Kagura's words came back to her.
"Anyone can sugarcoat the truth and pretend it's something it's not. Things are never what they seem and around every corner, someone is living through a façade."
She was one of them, wasn't she? She was one of those who lived through a façade.
"My soul was dragged back to my body, but I could have chosen to live or die. I chose to live only because I couldn't let go of some…" she hesitated, then continued, "Some things." She stared at him as she said those last words, although a bewildered expression was all she got in return. She clenched her hands in her kimono.
"How though…how did your soul return?"
She chuckled a bit. "It was forced back by the one person to ever play around with my feelings," she said softly, continuing to look peacefully at Inuyasha. "It was dragged back to Earth by ...him..."
A heartbeat skipped. The wind died down. The waves' crashes warped far away.
"The guy who left you for Kikyou…?" Inuyasha almost had a hard time forcing those words out of his own mouth. By her silence and tense posture however, it was all the answers he needed. "Why…?"
Her heart twisted in a way she never thought possible. 'Why' was such a hard question to answer sometimes. "I don't know," she lied, as she looked away from his entrancing golden orbs. "I don't know why he brought me back." She was lying again. Their whole relationship was based on lies and betrayal. Was this how she had wanted things to turn out?
She had only known him for…how long? But she felt as if she had known him forever. Now that the night had passed, she had only four days to find the Shikon no Tama. Four more days till it would be three weeks since she had met Inuyasha. Four more days of friendship before perhaps, everything would be abruptly ripped away to be replaced with the true horror of betrayal.
He had been silent for a while before he said, "I think you would want to talk to Sango…everyone knows. They've just been avoiding you because they don't know why…or how to confront you."
She nodded silently and watched from the corner of her eyes as he refrained from entering his room. Turning to glance once at her, he muttered grudgingly, "But even though he hurt you…I don't know why, but I'm glad he brought you back."
Then he was gone.
She stayed quiet for a long time, the words he had spoken slowly trying to penetrate the wall in her mind. When it eventually did, her heart pained that much more. Would he have been glad Naraku brought her back if he knew her life was now connected to his? Would he have been glad if he realized she was sent to take away something that could ultimately cause his kingdom to crumble, although she didn't want anyone close to her getting hurt? Which was worse? To be hurt by being betrayed or to be hurt because she didn't betray and try to stop it?
"Now I don't know if it was better to have stayed dead or alive…" she whispered as she pushed off the railings and began walking back into the room. She had just taken one step into the bedroom when there was a knock on the door. Kagome's breath stopped. "Come in," she whispered, and watched as the person slowly pushed the door open. She didn't really know if she wanted to talk to Sango now.
But instead of her cousin walking in, it was a person she hadn't expected to appear. Kanna.
Her eyes widened as she watched the small child walk in, her skin as pale as ever and her eyes the same apathetic gleam. Her black pupils locked with Kagome's as she drifted in with a tray in her hands, filled with breakfast. Kagome bit her lip as she watched the young maid put the tray of food on the table, explaining, "The king ordered me to bring your food up."
Kagome nodded as Kanna turned around, walking towards the door. Kagome thought she was just here, continuing her job, before the girl's sharp, yet smooth voice said, "He's watching you, Kagome."
Kagome's heart felt like it stopped as Kanna glided out of the door, only to collide with someone else who had been listening the entire time. Kagome gulped when she saw Kanna slowly narrow her eyes, seeing Sango rubbing her chest where Kanna had bumped into.
"I'm sorry, Princess Sango. I will watch where I am going next time," the maid whispered before she turned and walked down the corridor.
The comment and her sudden departure left a stunned Sango in her place and an equally horrified expression on Kagome's face. Sango probably heard. She probably heard everything. And to make matters worse, Kanna had called Sango Princess. She had used Sango's correct title…that meant one thing. Sango would ask how.
"How does that girl know…?" Sango started quietly, walking into the room and closing the door silently behind her. "She knows I'm not your bodyguard."
Kagome stared back at her. So it wasn't the perfect meeting between two best friends, but she knew she had it coming. Someone would have soon figured it out, and then maybe everyone would find out. Following that, there would be hell to pay. "You know how."
Sango kept her glance zeroed onto Kagome, as she tried to comprehend two things at once --- Kagome was back, and Kagome was back with a bigger secret. "It's him, isn't it?" she whispered breathlessly, as if afraid to speak his name in front of Kagome. "He's the one watching you."
As if a bit self-conscious, Kagome looked around just to make sure Naraku wasn't hiding behind any curtains and would jump out at her when she began to talk. Satisfied, she turned her attention back to her cousin, a bittersweet smile on her lips. "He is," she confirmed.
"Why Kagome...?" Sango looked torn as she took slow steps towards the younger girl. "Why…?"
It was always the unanswerable 'why'...
Kagome stayed quiet. She wasn't sure she wanted to lie to another person because Sango already knew too much. Lying to her best friend was always a bad idea.
"He was the one who brought me back to life. He was the one who tricked me into helping him and this time, I won't be able to back out. He's not after Shippo's life now…he's after everybody's," Kagome gushed out as she felt Sango stop in her steps, only a few steps away from her. She could feel her fists clench as she continued talking. "He was the one who took me all the way to death and back. It's a horrible feeling, Sango…to die and come back. It's… horrible."
Kagome suddenly went taut when she felt arms circle around her, and although it didn't give her the warmth Inuyasha's hugs did, it did some good in putting some calm and sensibility in her.
"I could only imagine," Sango whispered as she let go of her cousin. "But why, Kagome? Why is he watching you…?"
Kagome's eyes diverted to the ground, refusing to look up at Sango. "My life is connected to his…that's why I'm alive. He's the medium for my survival. If he dies, I do too."
There was that constant tense silence Kagome was accustomed with. It came a lot with her explanations because although they were far-fetched, they were as close to reality as truth could come. People seemed to have a hard time taking it all in. She knew she would find it hard to believe if she heard that too, so she didn't blame them.
"You're connected to the bastard…?" Sango hissed, her magenta eyes flashing brighter. "That bastard has just sunk to a level I never thought possible! How could he?!"
Kagome looked away from her flashing red eyes, not wanting to face it. "But because of that, it's the only reason I'm actually here talking to you. I don't know whether this is in my favor or his, although it does seem like it's leaning towards him."
"Kagome…this isn't your fault. The only reason you…died...is because of him." Sango still had problems coping with the fact that her cousin, her best friend, the only other girl she really knew, had died and been revived. So much had happened in the simple span of a week, it was almost dramatic. "He should be obligated to revive you since he was responsible. He shouldn't be also taking this opportunity to his own advantage! That's low!"
"But there's nothing I can do." Kagome collapsed onto her bed, staring at the fists in her lap. "You don't know how torn I am right now. Both should be the right thing to do, but I would be betraying someone either way, and I don't ever want to see someone die."
"Kagome…just give him the thing he wants," Sango whispered, walking to stand in front of the younger girl.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
Kagome clenched her fists even tighter, causing crescent moon marks to appear on her pale skin. "The thing he wants… I was told it gives the owner incredible power. To give it to Naraku would be saving everyone's lives…but for how long? How can I do the right thing when both are wrong?"
"Kagome…"
"And that's not the only thing tearing me apart…there's something else."
Sango stared, already understanding what the next topic was. "You care for him."
Kagome looked up surprised, as if she was genuinely shocked someone knew about the concern she held for the hanyou. "How did you know…?" she mumbled, her voice soft.
"Oh please, Kagome…I know more than you think," Sango explained, a bittersweet smile on her face. I know everything that would hurt you, Kagome. I know you care about Inuyasha and you don't know he's the one man you thought you cared for first. I know you knew him before you thought you met him. I know he was the man you met at the masquerade, and I know how hard it is for you to watch him get married off to your sister. "I'm your best friend."
Kagome smiled a bit. "Thank you, Sango."
The other girl returned the gesture. "You're always welcome." She sat down next to Kagome, silently listening to the birds chirp as they flew around in the crispy air outside. "Well…what are you going to do about it?"
Kagome blinked owlishly. "Do about what?"
Sango stared at her like she was dumb. "About Inuyasha and you."
Kagome instantly grew flaming red at the mere mention of Inuyasha and herself, before she calmed down a bit and looked away from her cousin. "Nothing…of course."
"Why not?"
"He's going to get married to Kikyou. He should like Kikyou."
Sango gazed at the other girl for a moment, trying to figure out whether she was serious or not. Did Kagome really think Inuyasha liked Kikyou? Maybe like as in understanding like, but it never really looked like the romantic type of like. His romantic like only seemed to be rearing its ugly head over at Kagome…and the girl couldn't see?
"Are you blind?"
Kagome looked up, continuing to blink owlishly. "Blind?" she echoed uncertainly, "To what?"
Kagome watched as her cousin got up from the bed, walking over to the door with a troubled expression on her face. What was she blind to? She cared about Inuyasha, and it hurt to see him go, but he didn't belong to her. He rightfully belonged to his sister, who would marry him in due time.
"Kagome…don't let anyone else tell you otherwise, but I missed you…a lot," Sango whispered as she turned away to glance at Kagome from the door. There was a small, weak smile on her face, and for once, Kagome noticed the dark rings under the older girl's eyes. She looked tired…had she worried that much? Had her death affected Sango this much?
"I know you missed me…I missed you too," Kagome answered quietly, reflecting off the same weak smile as Sango although she didn't notice.
Sango giggled resignedly as she shook her head, mumbling, "But I think you're blind to the fact of who missed you more than I had."
Then she walked out, leaving Kagome with her confused thoughts of who could have possibly missed her more than her best friend.
~*~
He walked down the corridor quietly, trying to sort through his feelings. It wasn't that he didn't understand at least a bit of what they were trying to say…it was only because he didn't understand at all. It hurt being without her…it hurt being with her. He wanted to see her…he didn't want to see her. Where were all these juxtapositions coming from?
And most of all, she was only a simple girl. How and when had he started to feel so strongly for her?
Damnit… he thought as he clenched his fists by his side, causing his knuckles to turn white. "She's just a regular girl…"
"And yet?" a voice inquired gently.
He looked up and came face to face with calm grey eyes, the color an icy, composed glint. He narrowed his eyes out of instinct. How had the girl gotten so close without him sensing anything? Had he been so deep in thought he hadn't heard Kikyou?
"Nothing," he snapped back sulkily, irritated that she had heard him talk to himself. Then remembering that if she was here, she would want to talk to him, he shot out in a further annoyed manner, "What?"
The same cold features remained on her face as she replied evenly, "I can't talk to the man whom I will marry?"
A weight felt like it had been dropped on his head as he winced a bit at her words, remembering that he was marrying Kikyou. She had all the right to talk to him, and he had no right to stop her from trying to. But that was why he had been trying to avoid her for the past few days. To talk to her would be facing the truth.
"Not when I'm in a bad mood," he mumbled, hoping she didn't catch it.
However, the lift of questioning eyebrows said otherwise. She didn't take any steps forwards towards him, but chose to keep her distance as she surveyed his every move. Her face went back to neutrality and she said quite coolly, "You can't like her."
He felt like she had just slapped him across the face with that single comment, and a taut tense silence followed as he looked at everything except his fiancée. However, being a male without patience, he quietly protested with a "Why?"
He could feel her eyes burning into head as she whispered, "Because you're mine, and you're going to marry me. And also because I like you…" A dead chuckle sounded from her lips. "For everything I've done, she could only allow me this one happiness."
"By having me?" he asked, looking up with a slight scowl on his face. "…Even if I don't like you back?"
She challenged his scowl with a frown of her own. "Do you?"
The silence continued as the two stared darkly at each other, with Inuyasha only slightly understanding Kikyou's words. What did she mean Kagome could allow her this one happiness by letting her have him? She hardly made sense at times…but she liked him? He's…hers?
"I'm not yours," he shot out, ignoring her question.
"Why? Because I'll betray you?" There was a sadistic smile on her face because she knew the double meaning to those words. After all, she was sent out by Naraku too.
"Would you?"
"Maybe. Trusting someone is such a fussy thing, isn't it? You never know who is the one lying...and the one betraying. Life is such an unpredictable game."
Inuyasha's frown got deeper as they remained far from each other--- a good fifteen feet away. "What are you trying to say?"
"Caring for somebody blinds everyone from the true road we must all take. I'm no different…you're no different either," she explained, although Inuyasha couldn't understand the words spurting from her mouth. "But you can't care for her…don't care for her…I can make you happy."
"Against my will?"
"Only to save you."
Inuyasha turned away from the dark, grey eyes. She really wasn't making sense, and he doubt she would just say it directly. She seemed to be the elusive kind of woman and to play her game would only perplex him further.
"You have a duty as my future husband," she suddenly ordered, a sharp sound against the deserted corridor.
"And what is that?" he questioned dryly.
Another dry chuckle left her lips. "Your first duty is fidelity…" she whispered in a feather-light voice, before she swirled around, her kimono twirling around gracefully with her movement.
His head shot up to see her moving down the corridor, as collected and poised as ever. She really was an elegant person, although her words stung him. He had to remain faithful to his future wife…? Well, of course he would have to if he married her. Dog demons kept life-mates. But…what if the mates were forced?
Well, he supposed he could learn to love her. The woman would definitely intrigue him with her mysteries and intangible comments, but could he really learn to live with somebody who seemed so…perfect in a deadly, cool manner? Could he learn to love someone who seemed to have so many layers to her that the true girl inside was lost to darkness and betrayal?
"Let's see if I can remain loyal then," he said inaudibly to her ears as she turned around to face him with the same impartial expression.
"By the way, talk with your mother over the engagement ball…she wants one," she said, her eyes narrowing slightly. As if content with the shocked look on the hanyou's face, she nodded as a gesture for goodbye and turned around the corner, lost to his view.
He narrowed his own eyes as he slowly comprehended those words. Kikyou was definitely serious about the entire marriage, wasn't she?
Feeling the need to slam a fist into the wall, although his mother wouldn't like another hole in the castle walls, he decided to just stomp over to his mother's room to talk about the 'engagement ball.' There was no way he could get out of this betrothal and he secretly knew it was the right thing to do, but he couldn't help but dread it. He had never been one to dream of marrying for love, but now, he didn't even know the reason he was marrying Kikyou. This felt like his duty… but was his duty to marry someone he didn't love? Or was his duty to produce an heir?
It would have been so much easier if he never met Kagome. If he never met her, he might run away right now, although that was unlikely, or he might just have already accepted the marriage. However, considering she was in the picture, marrying someone he didn't love as a duty sounded exactly how it was worded---a simple duty. And he hated it.
To marry her sister only made it worse.
After a few minutes of stomping down the corridor and stairs to his mother's room, Inuyasha suddenly felt all the fight he had gathered, lost when he stood right in front of the door. So what was he supposed to say? 'I'll marry Kikyou and accept the engagement ball?' or 'I absolutely refuse to marry someone I don't love?' One-on-one talks with his mother usually ended up in her favor, and he knew that if his mother wanted him to marry Kikyou, he wouldn't be able to say no.
He knocked.
"Inuyasha? Come in," a feminine voice announced from the other side of the door.
Inuyasha sighed as he walked in with his ears flat against his head and his gaze fixed to the ground. He could almost feel his mother sitting down at her usual spot, playing with her roses. He didn't know whether to talk to the woman first, or should he wait for her to start speaking. However, he didn't have to wait long.
"You look down," she stated simply, and her sweet voice lured Inuyasha to look up. It clashed with the vibrant violet of her mother's eyes and he gulped inaudibly, wondering how he should answer.
"I'm fine." He decided to be safe.
"I see." She turned away to pay attention to her flowers again. Inuyasha watched her silently as she put flower after flower into the vase, arranging them prettily and to her tastes. How many times as a child had he watched his mother do this? Those uncomplicated days seemed so far away now.
"When's the engagement party?" he asked quietly, already slowly succumbing to his fates as he shuffled closer to his mother. "And do I really have to get married?"
"Inuyasha," Lady Komiya said sternly, continuing with her floral arrangements. "Are you asking to back out of the marriage? Kikyou has accepted the betrothal and the wedding is coming in less than two weeks. How can you ask if you are ready to marry at a time like this?"
Inuyasha didn't waste time answering that question. "It's too sudden. You and father chose it…I didn't."
Lady Komiya sighed and slanted a tired glance over at her son. "Inuyasha," she repeated. "If we allowed you to choose your wife, I would have died and went to my grave before I saw you marry. This was the only way to ensure ties with the Higurashis as well, and Kikyou is a nice girl…" Her voice got lower near the end of the sentence. "She'll be a good wife."
"It doesn't matter whether she's a good wife or not!" Inuyasha protested with a slight frown. "I…I don't love her."
"You want to marry for love?"
"No! But…"
"Only a few people in this world marry and actually love the person they're marrying. Perhaps you'll learn to love Kikyou?"
Inuyasha felt overwhelmed suddenly as he bit his lower lip. "How do you know? You and father married for love! You and he fell in love against your parent's wishes…don't you want the same happiness for me?"
"Inuyasha…you're saying you want to marry for love."
The previous thought about slamming his fists into the wall sounded incredibly enticing again. "I don't know!" he growled out in frustration.
"Well…who is it that you care for then?"
"No one." The answer had been quick, abrupt---instant. It held no meaning behind it, but only a forced one. His eyes looked away again as he shuffled his feet, his irritation gone to be replaced by nervousness. "I don't care about anyone so much that I would want to marry them."
A twinkle was seen behind Lady Komiya's eyes. "Then what is the matter with marrying Kikyou if you don't care for another girl?"
Inuyasha sighed in a defeated manner. His mother had outdid him once more, and he was finding himself yielding to her words again. "Nothing…" he hissed quietly, pouting. "Nothing is the matter…"
Lady Komiya smiled weakly as she pulled out a rose, stripping it off its thorns gently. "I learned something from someone a while ago. She realized a rose can represent one's feelings and that its beauty represents those specific feelings. But the thorns on the roses can be the hindrances, the pain, the hatred, and also the betrayals. But you can always take out the thorns…although you have to work to take them out. There will be dents and scars on the stem to remind everyone of the thorns, but they can be faded. It's the same with love…you have to work to gain and learn the meaning. Work to learn to love Kikyou...but only if you want."
Inuyasha stayed silent for a while before nodding in understanding. "If it pleases you…I'll try to love her."
Lady Komiya smiled again, as she put the rose back into the vase. "Inuyasha, please don't sound like you are only doing this to please me. Remember, I love you and your happiness is everything to me…but we can't have everything in this world. Ultimately, it's your choice, do you want to marry Kikyou or would you rather not? Speak from your heart."
Inuyasha felt the specific organ start to twist and thump in his chest. His mother was finally giving him a choice to choose his destiny. He really wanted to say the truth---he didn't want to marry Kikyou. He would rather not. But looking straight into his mother's eyes, he saw some kind of pleading look in them. He couldn't decipher what it meant, but maybe she wanted him to say he would? Or was the pleading look to tell him to follow his heart? His happiness was everything to her…?
So was his mother's happiness to him. If it made her happy…
"I'll marry Kikyou."
A delicate smile appeared on the lips of the woman. "Then you're sealing your own fate if this is truly what you want. No regrets? No backing out later on?" A dark shadow eclipsed the woman's eyes. "No secrets?"
Inuyasha had to hold his breath when he answered half-convincingly, even to himself. No secrets…? "None."
"Then your engagement ball will be in four days."
Inuyasha could almost feel a rock form in his throat at the announcement. Was he lying? Yes…he was. He was lying about everything and he was only making things run downhill even more…but he couldn't stop it and he didn't know what to say. The only thing he could do was nod and turn away from his mother to walk out the door. He was stopped by her voice though.
"By the way, Inuyasha…? Tell Kagome that when she is ready to tell everybody how she came back…we'll listen. I'll listen. For now…thank her for making our lives proper again. Thank her for being the light and sunshine…we haven't had much until she came along."
Words and situations could be so ironic at times. A bittersweet smile manifested on the hanyou's face as he nodded, not turning to look at his mother. "I understand," he grounded out, making it sound pleasant.
And yet he knew that agreeing and complying with a lie was only making the hole he was trapped in slowly fill with water…and he wasn't the only one drowning.
~*~
Hours passed and a late dinner soon began when the sun had surrendered to nightfall. People came in belated and there was an uneasy tension thick in the air. The strain could easily be traced to Kagome, because although she had refused to come down to breakfast and lunch, she had to come down sometime, and dinner was that time. If all the stares and secret glances thrown her way weren't enough, a maid nearly tripped over when Kagome smiled up at her when she has been refilling the princess' pitcher. She guessed the entire kingdom knew by now and was all wondering how she could have come back because usually, it was utterly impossible to cheat Death.
Kagome kept her gaze trained down at her food and ate at a steady pace, not wanting to finish too fast or go too slow. She knew everyone was well aware of her presence, yet did not want to speak out. Friend, family, acquaintance, or not, relationships would be tested when one died and came back to life, and emotions would be edgy. Why and how would always be asked, but with the answer being denied, trust was hard to keep.
"Father, I have heard from a spy from the wolves' kingdom," Sesshoumaru announced over his food as he put some rice delicately into his mouth.
A few people close to Kagome could see the flinch of her body when she heard "wolves." They wouldn't know it, but she was terrified of them. She could still remember the way that one wolf had choked her, thrown her, cursed her, and eventually killed her. She would never forget it, not when her body still ached, and her memories always remembered those cold, blood-red eyes.
"I see. And…?" King Komiya asked warily, flickering a quick glance over to Kagome who was staring down at her food. Even from where he sat, he could feel the tension Sesshoumaru's words were causing.
"He has heard that the wolves have suffered a great loss in their military numbers. They won't try to retaliate, at least for a long time, but there are even rumors about trying to settle the feud with an attempt at a treaty of alliance," Sesshoumaru drawled coolly, his golden eyes not moving from his own food, although he was anything but nervous.
"A treaty of alliance? If they had won this battle, we wouldn't have our kingdom. Do they believe an alliance will save their kingdom and stop us from attacking when our own numbers grow?" King Komiya stated angrily, a frown appearing on his regal face expressions. "Their method of attack---divide and conquer---had been tricky. If it hadn't been for Inuyasha, they wouldn't be back at their territory with their tails between their legs, but rather, they would be boasting about how clever they were to overtake ours."
"However, father, my spy has also announced that their king has died from mortal wounds this morning. Their prince has stepped up to the throne, and the rumors came that he had spoken to his council and announced the plan of alliance. It is not sure whether it is just a rumor or not, although the prince is said to be much more lenient, albeit still brutal, than his deceased father." Sesshoumaru lifted an eyebrow after his speech. "I actually believe that if this rumor is true, it would be a great advantage to our forces. There have been more rumors about another kingdom off to Outer Territories planning to steal the…jewel from us. I doubt that is true, but if it is, an alliance with the wolves could be a gain."
"That is if they don't rebel," Inuyasha snapped suddenly, a snarl coming from his mouth. "They just tried to kill us all. What if this alliance is to make us keep our guards down, then they were the ones who allied with the kingdom off the Outer Territories? If they were our allies, they would know some slight information about our military forces…that isn't good, especially not right after the battle. Stop being a stick up the ass, Sesshoumaru, and stop thinking about the possible gains to our kingdom, but rather concentrate on our damn safety!"
The elder brother lifted another interested eyebrow as he sent a icy glare over to the hanyou. "Are you afraid someone else might die? Someone close to you like…" There was an unreadable expression on the demon's face as he slanted a glance over to Kagome, before continuing, "…Your fiancée?" he said, the words slicing the barrier of the unspoken and hitting Inuyasha smack in the face.
"Everyone!" Inuyasha sputtered, and was about to open his mouth to continue, before King Komiya cut into the conversation abruptly, before it got uglier.
"Enough. Sesshoumaru, I have thought that if we do ally with the wolves, it would be an advantage, but it is too soon to see. We'll wait and see what happens. We don't want to jump into another trap. That's all. If we have to discuss more military details, we shall at our council meeting later. We will move onto another topic of discussion now."
Kagome felt nauseous. It was the type of nauseous where she felt like throwing up, but she really couldn't throw up. It made her chest constrict painfully and there was a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach, slowly working its way up throughout her body. It left her mouth feeling dry, and her heart beating wild, although no matter what she did, she couldn't throw up.
She put her chopsticks down, ready to just leave the tension, but Lady Komiya was a few seconds faster.
"Since everyone is down at dinner, I thought I'll like to announce something." She was smiling gently as she looked at the table of solemn expressions. "As all of you know, Inuyasha and Kikyou will be getting married in just under 14 days."
Kagome felt the nauseous feeling in the pit of the stomach intensify. Yes…Inuyasha and Kikyou were getting married soon.
"In four days, there will be an engagement ball. I expect everyone here to attend, no excuses, because it will be a happy day indeed." She shot her son a comforting smile as his prior vociferous self simmered down to a somewhat silenced echo of him. "Congratulations."
There was a deafening silence overwhelming the room at the declaration for the span of three seconds, before people slowly began to congratulate the couple around the table. Kikyou was as somber as Inuyasha, but the two accepted the congratulations without a fight. Miroku and Sango just smiled at the two and said "Congrats," while Rin squealed a bit and said a few sentences of good luck. Sesshoumaru just nodded, as Kagome caught a glance from his cold eyes.
It was such a simple glimpse, but it said a plethora of words to her mind. She could almost comprehend them all, but she didn't want to believe it. Fool. That was the biggest hint she caught from it.
Others continued to congratulate, before it got to the younger sister's turn. She held on tightly to her kimono under the table as she forced herself to beam at Kikyou and Inuyasha who were sitting next to each other. "Congratulations, Kikyou… Inuyasha," she whispered in a small voice, flickering her gaze from Kikyou to the hanyou. She could feel her heartstrings pull even more; almost overwhelming her as her smile, which would seem sincere to anyone else, took a bittersweet turn.
The two of their eyes caught for a moment as Inuyasha looked up to see what she would say. A part of him wished she would burst out that they shouldn't marry, but another part of him knew that it wouldn't happen. Kagome, on the other hand, felt as if her voice and ability to speak was taken away from her. She was afraid that if she opened her mouth, it would instigate something else that she would rather not have happen.
However, she had to say something sometime, and it came out strained as she muttered, "You both are meant to be." To anyone else, it would have sounded like she was joyous for the couple, but to herself, she knew it was the words to help her keep her distance.
And at that select moment, the truth hit her so hard in the face that she had to push herself away from the table, getting up with the fake smile on her lips. The truth tore her slowly apart as she gradually accepted the one thing she had tried to avoid. She should have known. She should have known all along the moment she wanted to see him before she died, wanted to see him during the five days at Naraku's, and she should have known when she saw him last night and was engulfed in it.
"I hope nothing but happiness comes to you both in the end. May you always love her and she, you. I'm going to go to sleep now. I'm tired."
Kikyou nodded slightly while Inuyasha stared at her with something in the depth of his golden eyes, before looking away. Kagome smiled slightly as she nodded to the king and queen and turned around, feeling light-headed as she walked towards the door.
She caught a sharp gaze from Sango, but ignored it. She didn't want to tell Sango what she realized, and although she had a feeling Sango already knew, she didn't want to confront them. These emotions, they were so overwhelming and unexpected, she just didn't want to acknowledge them.
"Good night," she whispered as she walked out of the door, hearing an almost chorused, 'Nite, Kagome' from the people inside the dining room. This sent another stab throughout her body as she found herself involuntarily pick out Inuyasha's voice.
She drifted down the quiet corridors, the whole castle dark without the guidance of the moonlight, for the moon was hidden behind thick clouds. It was the rain season for the Komiya Kingdom, and she knew that it would rain a lot until the end of her stay here.
The end…she thought sourly, as she walked up the stairs to her room. It'll come one day. And what then? Would I go back home and forget about my experiences here? Do my parents even know I'm alive…?
"I don't want to go," she muttered lightly as she got to the floor where her room was. "I don't want to leave."
I don't want to leave him…
Him. She had known him for…how long? It felt like ages that she had been here. But every time she looked into his eyes, she always felt like she was meeting him for the first time all over again. Every time there was contact between them, she could feel her heart jump as she struggled to brush off the innocent touch. She didn't want to fall for another guy, especially not when betrayal was in the relationship. Although she had been betrayed the other time, she didn't want him to feel the same thing she had. It would stay with him and her for the rest of their lives. She couldn't feel anything for him, and most of all, she shouldn't.
You're marrying my sister…Would you visit me years from now and think about all the things that we had endured? Would I still feel the same for you? Would you ever know how I felt?
"I hate you," she said as she reached her room, looking down at the ground with a grave expression on her face. She could already feel the pull in her chest as she continued with her thoughts. "I hate you for making me fall for you."
Pushing open the door, she floated into the room. Her hand instantly lifted up to push the door closed and she stood there, leaning against the door as she struggled to comprehend what she had just said. She could already feel the salty substance grow as she automatically lifted her hand up to her eyes, her body sliding down the wood as small, pained sobs escaped from her throat.
"Why do you make me cry!? Why did you make me care for you only to have you marry someone else!?" she screamed, the sobs gaining volume as she fell to the ground, supported by the door. It tore her apart when she was alone and could confront them, and the pain intensified as she accepted her problem. Her heart twisted in a way she hadn't thought possible as images of Inuyasha and Kikyou sitting next to each other invaded her mind.
"WHY?! I came back for you. For you!! Why do I have to betray you!? Why can't we be together!? I hate you! I hate you!! What do you want from me!?" she shrieked in a shrill voice, letting out heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, horrible cries escape from her mouth as she clenched her hands into tight fists, almost puncturing her own skin as she pushed them on her eyes. The tears kept on falling however, and the screams only gained level as it echoed around the room, escalating.
She started kicking her legs in a passionate moment of turmoil as more ear-splitting, deafening screams came from her mouth, her heart pounding against her breast as pain devastated her being. She wanted to throw something, tear something, rip something, kill something as she grabbed the closest thing to her --- a pot on the ground that she had been planning to give to the gardeners. That was forgotten now as she threw it at a wall with a driving force only created by one in immense grief, hearing the pieces shatter with a crash that couldn't compare to her own bawls.
"WHY DO I CARE FOR YOU!!" she let out in one last extreme screech, her breath heaving as the cries slowly soothed to choked sobs. She wondered if anyone heard her, or if anyone cared that she felt like she was dying---again.
Bringing her knees up to her chest, she continued sobbing as her arms circled around her knees. She clenched her fingers into the material of her kimono, wishing that there was somebody next to her who would engulf her in a warm embrace.
But who was she kidding?
I care for you…knowing you don't feel the same way. And I know…I know…
Her sob got lodged in her throat, causing her to let our a long, quivering sigh. The hot tears continued to prick her eyes as she sat there, alone in her misery, knowing she was only doing this to herself. She had never planned to feel so strongly for another man ever again, but things had turned ugly the minute she met him. And now? What now? Now, she was only left with the painful and ironic situations.
I love him…I love Inuyasha…
A/N: First admitting of "love" in the whole story. Surprising? I feel horrible now. When I make a character feel pain, I like accenting it. I think that's bad...oh well, This chapter was like two chapters in one. (8000 words…) Don't dare say I write short chapters now.