Wavering Love

Chapter 7: Holding back the Heart, for the Mind to Talk

Author's Note:

I must thank my fellow reviewer who informed me of leaving out a very important detail. I beat myself up for not including that, and I hope you would understand I did all of this in one very late night. I just wonder how I will be able to add it in the chapter without making real big changes in the scene. Will take a while, I promise.

Patroclus woke up from the newly found vacant spot on the bed. Achilles wasn't found anywhere in the room, which startled Patroclus for only a while. Not caring yet of his lover's whereabouts, he dropped on the bed once more, replaying last night. The pain still swelled in between his legs but it didn't affect the amount of peace he was now experiencing. He knew the world would not be like he saw last time before he ventured into Achilles' room, and he was eager to share the experience not alone.

When the thought of Achilles swam through his mind, he got dressed to look for him.

Achilles was staring into the shore, waning out all the attentions of his land into the sea. When he got up this morning he saw a sleeping cherub beside him. So innocent, and so pure. He has bedded virgins before, but none of them shocked him as much as Patroclus' did when he unleashed his animal nature. Achilles couldn't believe that it was the same Patroclus he knew during the day. And he couldn't accept it, but it was true that Patroclus really tired him out for the first time. As he stared intently on Patroclus' sleeping form a word escaped in his mind: 'love'.

At first he repeated it over and over again. I loved him, he thought and he did. He loved it when Patroclus really listened to him, how he would stare him down, how much trust he had in him; his body and face was intoxicating for Achilles. When they would talk, Achilles savored the sound of Patroclus' voice. When silence befell upon them, Achilles' eyes roamed over Patroclus' body. A strong feeling of power surged through Achilles when he felt Partoclus' hot gaze fall on him every time his back was turned.

Soon then, did Achilles get hit with the fact that he was in love with Patroclus and Patroclus with him. Usually a normal human being would rejoice of such a discovery. But Achilles was a deep thinker at the wrong time. His mind raced through memorized stories of love. During the flash backs, Achilles left Patroclus hoping the sea would calm him down.

This is where he stood now, and remained deep in thought of the true meaning of love.

A couple loved each other and married without a father's consent. So the boy was murdered and the daughter killed herself along with her unborn child. His mind continued weaving through the dark stained history of any form of love he knew.

A man killed his own blood because he caught his wife and brother in a caring gaze. Soldiers come back from wars, seeing their wives pregnant with their lover's child! Secrets are kept to keep the other from being hurt, but in truth they do it so they won't get hurt from their lover! And soon enough their affection is just one big lie and they crumble always in a doomed end!! That's what love is.....a curse in the form of infatuation that was brought upon by the gods for those that angered them so. No, I cannot let this happen!

Patroclus is too young and innocent to feel the pains of love. I can't promise him away from all harm, but it is impossible to heal a wound if it lingers inside of you.

"Achilles!"

It was Patroclus walking down the sandy dunes to his dark lover.

"I was looking for you. You weren't there in bed this morning and I worried that something bad happened." He couldn't stop smiling at Achilles who couldn't stop frowning.

The boy kissed Achilles on the lips and soon enough it deepened by his control. When Achilles actually enjoyed the touch he flinched away and shrugged it off.

"Achilles?" Patroclus was wounded deeply from being cast off. "What's the matter?"

Achilles stayed silent, trying to form his thoughts into words, but Patroclus continued questioning and questioning. His persistence angered Achilles.

"Don't worry Achilles. Whatever it is I'll help you through it." He hugged Achilles, unnoticing that Achilles wasn't responding back. "Last night was—''

"Last night was nothing!!!" Achilles shoved him away. It killed Achilles to touch Patroclus in such manner. The toned he used was the same he scold down Patroclus when he kept on spying on him. And he sworn to himself when they made love that he would never address Patroclus again like that. The oath was now broken, and it stung Achilles' eyes.

Patroclus was a deer in the light. The words kept on resounding his is ears but the meaning was just not coming at him. "Achilles...your crying—''

"WAKE UP!" Achilles roared. "I can't love you, don't you see."

Now Patroclus was crying, true tears that only a child can compose. He kept his shouts and moans of pain inside, but they contorted his face as he stood there, not daring to look into Achilles eyes; which were just as wet with tears as his.

"Your too young to really feel love...It's to much for anyone to handle...I can't go through with this folly! You don't know what it is you are heading into... no one should...not even you." Achilles wiped away the tears that had sprung up in his eyes. Yet they kept coming back in a raging unstoppable force. Achilles was shouting unreadable words coming from a throat raw with sorrow. Patroclus didn't listen to him. That same sentence still rummaged around his head and it was the only thing he focused on, still trying to find their meaning.

The rolling gray waves spread in every direction, spitting out its salt to be carried away by the wind. Its fumes made Patroclus' eyes sore. The rage and sadness continued to build up higher and higher in his throat. Its juice stung the sores in his mouth.

Achilles couldn't stand Patroclus' face any longer, so he left him. Left him on the beach to console his sadness alone. He rode off hard, into to the nearest town, which was so far away. But the distance calmed Achilles.

Back at the beach the wind blew hard, giving Patroclus a distant feeling like he's not really there, watching Achilles walk out of sight. Out of his reach. The wind felt like it was blowing right threw him as he stood there, feeling numbed.

The tears, which he had thought were under control, welled up in his eyes ever so much and spilled over on his cheeks, rolling down and making his neck wet. His tears turned into sobs rapidly and that was when he lost control of stomaching the rising pain. He unleashed those pains with such force he trembled.

His howls were heard even over Poseidon's roar. No storm or animal could compete with volume against Patroclus' wails. He screamed and screamed until his throat was sore and all breath left him on the beach. Alone, only accompanied by the roar of the ocean.

I tried to describe the rejection of Patroclus using all the vocabulary I contained. Tell me was it good, was it bad. Review! That's all I want. If you have been rejected by a person you really liked, maybe even loved, you would know from experience of how Patroclus felt. So if you are one of those people, write to me if I did a good job in portraying the human soul. Thank you.