Title: Idiots Anonymous
Author: Elf Asato
Pairings: Tsuzuki/Hisoka, Tatsumi/Watari
Warnings: Straight!Hisoka?!
Disclaimer: Dude, it's different…whoa. Er, uh, you know these characters don't belong to me. Neither does Gary England!
Notes: (Hisoka: beats Illinois with a Stick Back! Back, I say! Illinois: WAH! I'll call my friend Oklahoma! Oklahoma: opens up a can of whupass on Hisoka) Also, let it be known that I thoroughly despise QuickEdit with all of my heart. I'd like Oklahoma to open up a can of whupass on THAT!
Summary: Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Hisoka Explains It All! (Hisoka: wtf…)
Idiots Anonymous
By Elf Asato
Hisoka sat the incredibly anxious inu on a narrow twin bed in the dingy room he had brought him into, saying it was the room they were staying in for their assignment, fully preparing to rationalize away when…
"We have a hotel room?"
"With my partner, I have one, yes."
"We get to stay in Chicago in a hotel room? Cool!"
"No, Tsuzuki, I—"
"We get to stay in Chicago, whee!"
"TSUZUKI!"
And then, dun dun duuuuun (or, at least, that's how it was in Hisoka's Soap Opera World), the bathroom door opened to reveal
– cue violins shrieking dramatically –
a woman.
Which was very unexpected.
"Oh God, I–" Tsuzuki began loudly, cupping his hands over his mouth, with a frightened, apologetic look on his face. "I had no idea, Hisoka, that you, you, I mean, I just assumed that you were…I mean, everyone is, so, I mean, it's right for someone to assume, but OH GOD, Hisoka, when were you going to tell us this? And here we were, thinking you'd settle down with a nice boy and then you go and surprise us by being a…freak!"
Hisoka twitched and looked at his ex-partner incredulously. "What the…?"
"Oh Hisoka," Tsuzuki-turned-Inu moaned, "you should have told us that you were straight!"
And Hisoka blanched. Heh.
The woman coming out from inside the bathroom, who had been momentarily forgotten, suddenly made herself known with: "What? That boy's gayer than sin!"
Hisoka paled, yet blushed at the same time. Double heh.
His newly-assigned partner was an outspoken, yet ancient American woman from Oklahoma who had pre-cognitive, meteorological, psionic abilities.
…Meaning she could accurately predict the weather.
Her name was Gary England.
The clairsentient, green-eyed, almost-emo kid, dubbed gayer than sin by the old lady from Oklahoma sputtered, "HEY."
And that was all. Really.
Tsuzuki, at the knowledge from the old lady who sort of looked like Genbu – he thought they would make a nice, bored-to-tears couple – and smelled a little like him too, smiled and little inu ears sprout from his head. "So, if you're gay, you'll love me, right, Hisoka?"
"No," Hisoka said, promptly crushing Tsuzuki's Hopes and Dreams. "I can't stand you, remember?"
"No."
"Oh. Well…um…I do."
"And the Hell you do!" Gary England remarked, phwapping Hisoka upside the head. "I've read your not-so-secret diary, young whippersnapper, and I know for a fact that you are hopelessly in love with that cute young man you call Tsuzuki Asato and only transferred here because you're afraid of loving him!"
"HEY, YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT," Hisoka growled ineffectually.
And Tsuzuki blinked.
So Hisoka didn't explain it all after, uh, all…
Gary England did.
Well, the only possible resolution to a situation such as that was for Tsuzuki to drag the stubborn empath back, kicking and screaming, to Japan complete with a transfer.
Once Hisoka had settled himself back in his rightful home with Tsuzuki as his rightful partner…
"Say it," Watari persuaded with a dangerously sweet cupcake in his hand. "Say it or I'll make you eat this!"
"FINE, I'LL TALK!" Hisoka caved in, unable to stand up against his arch-nemesis: Sugar.
Tatsumi folded his hands in his lap, pleased, as his smile was as dangerous as the cupcake. "I'm glad you decided to cooperate with us, Kurosaki-kun."
Hisoka sighed and began, "Hi…my name is Kurosaki Hisoka and I…I…I'm an idiot."
"Hi Hisoka," the office greeted warmly.
"Glad to have you back!" Inu-Tsuzuki beamed as he Super-Glomped his New Old Partner on the desk, and everyone helped themselves to cupcakes.
The New Old Office Empath looked out the window and remarked, "Hey, Gary said that today would be deliriously sunny, and it is…"
"Gary England?" Tatsumi asked with recognition as Watari eyed a spot of icing on the corner of his lips. "She has connections up above. That's how she's able to predict the weather so accurately."
"Hey, she also called you a whippersnapper," Tsuzuki remembered…for once…as he cuddled the none-too-resistant Hisoka.
"Yeah, and…?"
"I'll snap your whipper any time."
…Hisoka promptly shoved Tsuzuki off the desk and ate his cupcake.
somewhere-not-here
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
…The fic ended.
To Be Not Continued in Chapter 6!!
For the record, Gary England was an ancient, not-a-woman weatherman for Oklahoma when I lived over there…
It was short, but you'll deal!
Next Chapter: It ended. D'oh.