Disclaimer: I don't own Inuyasha.
Void
Six : The Dream
He sat by it every waking moment.
The crater was almost directly aligned with his father's, a few yards away, though not as large. In the center a stone monument had been erected, and a few stems of fresh flowers adorned the base, along with a small glowing candle.
The prayer beads lay where they had scattered, embossed into the dirt. During the day, if the sunlight hit the crater at a certain angle, they would shine a brilliant turquoise. He didn't bother to collect the beads and string them back together again, no, he didn't need them anymore, right? After all, he had concluded that if anyone deserved a sparkling memorial, it was Sango.
Sometimes he rested along the edge, looking down into the center, other days, he would move closer, kneeling next to the monument, burning incense and praying. Kirara accompanied him frequently, curled up next to the stone or atop Miroku's knee.
The funeral was a quiet one. Since there was no body, the stone monument was carved and placed in the center of the crater, courtesy of Mushin. Miroku recited the learned prayers and performed the proper rituals as he always did when they buried people.
Usually, since he said the prayers often on a regular basis, he ran through them without a problem. However, during the ceremony for Sango, he stuttered and paused several times, twice even letting his words trail off until he was standing there silently, unaware of the others looking at him strangely. Once he had shaken himself from his momentary trance, he continued from where he left off.
After two days, Inuyasha, with all the sensitivity he could muster, suggested to them that they continue. He even went as far as to talk to Miroku privately about the matter.
"Listen, I know it hurts. You loved her and all. I know what it feels like," he said with a surprising hint of sadness in his voice.
Miroku nodded silently, understanding the reference to Kikyou.
"But, we have to keep going. She would have wanted that, right?"
"I know that's what she wanted," Miroku said quietly. "And you're right, we'll leave first thing tomorrow morning."
They had decided to leave most of Sango's belongings in the crater temporarily once they had gathered them together. A blue cloth that contained the uniform of the taijiya, a short sword, and the Hiraikotsu.
One day, he vowed to return to the taijiya village and establish a proper shrine for her, along with the one at the temple. He would move her weapons and possessions there, and he hoped she would be happy enough that it at least appeared she lay to rest with the rest of her fallen comrades. She would have wanted that.
However, Miroku decided to keep her hair ribbon, leaving it tied securely around his wrist as a replacement for his rosary. The glove and the ring stayed, for reasons even unknown to him. His palm stayed covered.
He never did tell their friends why exactly Sango had gone that way. He knew they probably suspected something, and were waiting for him to confess. If anything, they would assume it was an accident. That was unlikely.
As much as he didn't want to believe it they had noticed him staring at his hand, directly into his palm where a hole leading into an endless void had once resided. If they had seem him do that, then they surely had deciphered that it was gone.
But for some reason, most likely Kagome, they never asked. In fact, they gave him plenty of space. Now, he was not one to sulk like Inuyasha would in a similar situation, no, he was just a severely weakened and fragile version of himself, behind a indifferent and guarded appearance.
A week had almost passed before the event that forced Inuyasha and Kagome to confront him.
--
Night had swept over the land, and the group was now settling in for sleep. Miroku did not offer to get them board for the night, and honestly, he didn't think he would be able to if he tried. Things like that required a confidence that he just did not have at the moment.
They were sitting around a small fire that Miroku, next to Kirara, routinely poked at with a stick. Kagome lay snuggled into her sleeping bag, along with Shippou, and Inuyasha had just gotten up from where he sat, intending to jump up to the low branches of a nearby tree.
Before doing so, he turned to Miroku. "Hey," he began. Miroku looked up. "You gonna be alright?" he asked in a tone halfway between concern and feigned suspicion.
"Yeah," Miroku replied with forced nonchalance. "And Inuyasha - "
He turned around again, waiting for the rest.
"Thanks."
He nodded, before jumping onto the tree, settling on a branch, deciding to keep watch. Should anything happen, he didn't know whether the monk would be capable of putting his all into a fight.
Miroku cast the stick aside and lay down himself, leaning against the side of a large Kirara. He didn't expect to fall asleep, he knew better than that. If he hadn't been able to properly rest since she had gone, it wouldn't be any different now.
He hadn't been able to face it, that she would never be beside him fighting again, never be seeing her again, hell, even groping her again. Maybe he was afraid to face those facts. So he tried to shut it out of his mind.
He stared up at the sky for a moment, wondering if her soul had successfully passed on to the next world. Every now and then a dark thought crept into his mind, such as what if her body and soul were forever trapped in the void, wherever it led to. Wherever it was, he was sure it was a frightening place.
However most of his thoughts were of her, who she was, where she was now. He never liked to think of her as dead, simply because she had made him feel so alive in their short time together, affiliating her with being dead made half of him dead as well.
The last moments before she left were the ones he always found himself dwelling on, even when he tried his hardest not to. Though the situation had been extremely chaotic, her hair and clothes whipping about, her expression was calm, and understanding. Maybe she had even been smiling at him, sadly, as she neared her end.
He knew now, for sure, that this was what Naraku had wanted. But the minor details, everything else he wanted to know, had gone to rest with Sango.
When she was absorbed, his curse had disappeared. That was what she was so reluctant to tell him. Why? Because she knew him all too well. She knew that if he had found out that she could close the Kazaana, he would never allow it.
So that's where all those questions came from.
She probably thought that he would become angry. She would insist on doing it, if it would save him, but he would refuse and push her away, so she would have second thoughts. Maybe she even thought that he wouldn't let her come near him, especially after the nightmare incident, just to make sure that she wouldn't try anything. Miroku turned onto his side and closed his eyes.
The worst part is that she was probably right.
'My solution to everything...pushing her away. It always got her hurt.'
--
He didn't know how long it was before he felt his body relax as he fell asleep. Instead of being bombarded with images of that dreaded day, something else materialized in front of him. No, all around him.
He paused, twisting to look at his surroundings, and was able to take in what seemed like an endless blue sky on a flawless day. A relaxing breeze was blowing past him. This was strange, with all the chaos clouding his mind, he dreamed of...a perfect place?
Catching him by surprise, someone ran past him. It was a girl, long hair fluttering behind her back, a green apron tied in a dainty knot. It couldn't be-
"Sango?"
His feet had started to move before he even registered what he had saw.
"Come on Houshi-sama!" her voice rang playfully in his ear. His title. He had missed that too.
"Hold on, you're going too fast!" He had to run a little bit faster, or else he would lose sight of her. The pleasant wind blew past him rapidly, and the grass was soft under his bare feet.
She slowed abruptly, and he ran past her a few steps.
It was then he noticed their surroundings, aside from the thick grass he'd been running through prior. The outer fortifications of the taijiya village loomed before them, looking newly repaired and carefully constructed, appearing majestic in front of a familiar backdrop of mountains, and the compliment of strategically placed trees and foliage.
"Isn't it beautiful?" she breathed, putting a hand over her heart. "I wanted you to see it exactly this way."
"Where are we?" he heard himself ask. Was he dead?
"Isn't it obvious?" she replied. "In your conscious. You're asleep. Dreaming."
"But, this place," he said, confused. "I don't get it."
"Actually, it's wonderful, just the way I remember it. You see," Sango explained, indicating the village, the field, and the beautiful sky above them. "All of this is your conscious. It's you that remembers the village, the mountains, the trees, everything."
He watched as she suddenly looked down, examining herself. "You remember me well, Houshi-sama. I thought I would have larger breasts or a shapely ass or something trademark of your imagination."
He was too abashed to respond to her relaxed demeanour.
"And you...how are you appearing to me? Speaking to me? You're...you're just a memory, aren't you? Is this just how I want to remember you?"
She cocked her head to the side, thinking about this. "Yes and no. My appearance is that of how you remember me, but my words, my actions, are all mine. My essence, my soul, is here. I wasn't able to pass on. Yet."
He thought he would die right then in his sleep.
"No, no it's nothing like that," Sango assured him, seeing how he instantly tensed at her previous words. "I did die. I felt myself leave my body. It's just that when I did, I didn't ascend to the next world."
"And why is that?" Miroku whispered.
"I didn't want to yet. Not because I had a grudge or was angry, but because I was regretful."
"Of?" he asked in a still barely audible voice.
"What you didn't know from the beginning."
"Sango," he heard his own choked voice say. He pulled her towards him and held her firmly and desperately, free of any dignity. His hands gripped her shoulders, squeezing the fabric of her yukata between his fingers. He nudged his face into the curve of her shoulders, inhaling deeply the scent of fresh fruit and wildflowers under the noon day sun. He remembered it so well, how could he forget?
"Are you here to torture me?"
Her eyelids fluttered shut as she smoothed his hair. He relished that feeling too. They both did.
Eventually her hands began to push at his shoulders. At first he resisted, but she won in the end and he was forced to stare at her face, every curve, every shape, every mould exactly as he remembered it.
She opened her mouth to speak, but seemed to be in momentary shock as she observed his face, his eyes bloodshot and his skin littered with red patches. He hadn't even known he'd been crying. He forgot those times, during the night when he was alone, when he just couldn't hold it in anymore.
"Hardly, Houshi-sama. You're still confused about things."
"I am," he gasped. "It's been killing me, Sango."
She swept the sleeve of her yukata gently across his face. "That expression doesn't suit you, Houshi-sama," she said, chancing a small smile.
"Why did you have to go?" His hands, resting on her shoulders, began to shake.
"I thought you would have figured it out by now. If I'm not mistaken, you are extremely perceptive," she chided.
"For me."
She withdrew his arms from her shoulders and paced a small distance away from him.
"Yes, for you," she confirmed, still facing the opposite direction. She looked towards the sky.
"And your hand?"
"Healed," he answered.
"For once, Naraku was right," Sango commented.
"I knew you did that on Naraku's word!" Miroku exploded before he could stop himself, dams of emotion bursting. "That was a stupid decision Sango, you knew very well that he could have been lying!"
"But he wasn't," Sango said calmly, silencing him. "His explanation, it made sense. But Naraku, he does not understand how strong human emotions can be."
Miroku fell on his knees in the grass, looking up at Sango's back. "Why me though? Why us?"
"He thought that when I died, you would die shortly after, which was a condition of the curse. That is because you were the reason for the death of the one you love, you would be so overcome with grief, you would become weak and die."
She now turned around, piercing him with her gaze, on his knees before her.
"The curse, it was a punishment on your line for being lecherous. Love was a weakness, in Naraku's eyes. And so he made it that if the cursed man met a woman he loved, and they joined, the void would consume him. If he refused women, or the one he loved, he would die alone and end the line, and finally, the last option, which I took."
"But father...and mother..."
"Lucky. The curse takes the men at younger ages down the line. Your grandfather, he was cursed after having lived most of his life. Then your father. Then you. So if one had children without love, that detail made sure the line ended at some point."
He couldn't string a coherent sentence together. "But we...you and me..."
"We did. And even now, I still wonder if you would have lived longer if we hadn't. But the signs all pointed one way. What if you died and I never had the chance to experience your love? What if I died and you wished we had been together? It's all 'what ifs' and regrets. I didn't want that. I didn't think you would either."
"Still, Sango, you shouldn't have. You're a better fighter, you're stronger. Y-you didn't deserve this!" he almost shouted. "It's all because of me!"
"Stop it, Houshi-sama," she said quietly. "We could stand here and argue the rest of your life. But even you have to wake up and face what's ahead of you."
He would not back down. "But that was what he wanted! Couldn't you see that?"
"Naraku...he's so arrogant, he underestimates weakness. Thinking you would die of grief...no, it only makes the drive to kill him stronger, doesn't it, Houshi-sama?"
Miroku's body heat rose as he heard her words. He hated him. More than ever before.
"I will make sure he's dead, for you Sango. So you can live in peace." He stared hard at the ground, pretending it was Naraku's heart as he ground his fists into the grass.
She stepped forward towards him and bent down to his level.
"I want you to live in peace as well, Houshi-sama," she said. "And find happiness."
"I did. With you," he said shortly. "And my name. Say my name. As much as I miss hearing my title, I miss hearing my name more."
Sango sat back on her heels and regarded him sadly. "Look at me first, Houshi-sama."
"I can't." He tried hard to concentrate on the grass, though his eyes strayed to the line of her shadow. "It hurts."
"You know how they say you can't feel any pain when you die?" she asked quietly. "I didn't, but I do now, because even though I'm merely spirit, essence, you're still a part of me, your feelings are still mine."
He was shaking so hard, but gathered the will to look up at her. When he saw her, sitting there, he felt his soul break into a million pieces yet again.
He crawled to her, and she accepted him, pulling him down on the grass beside her and rolling her body over so half rested atop his. A shaking hand rose to cradle her face, as he had done before, many times.
"You don't need this," she said, feeling the fabric over his palm on her face. She tinkered with the clasps and it eventually fell from around his forearm, and she threw it aside. The ribbon remained, nestling in the joint of his elbow. He felt the air between his fingers as he flexed, and quickly replaced his hand upon her cheek.
She rested hers over his, stilling it from it's trembling.
"Miroku," she breathed, not calling him, or trying to get his attention, but just letting his name leave her lips.
His heart couldn't take it anymore. He lifted his back and crushed his mouth to hers, desperately, clinging and fisting his hands in her hair, which was still unbound. Just as it was that day.
"I miss this," she whispered against his lips, as he paused to breathe.
"Then why give it up?" He moved to kiss the skin just beneath her earlobe.
"No regrets, Miroku."
"I still regret though, Sango," he said as he pulled her even closer against him.
"And why is that?" She nestled her head beneath his chin.
"I regret the fact that we couldn't get to Naraku soon enough."
"That is out of our hands, Miroku. Don't blame yourself."
His grip on her tightened. "And even then, I can't find happiness again, not when I've already found you."
She almost looked sad, though she tried to hide it. "You can find it. You can have what you've always dreamed of. Children, a beautiful wife-"
"No. Don't say that. I don't want another wife. You're my wife. Nor do I want children, not without you."
Her smile. He missed how beautiful it was.
"Don't make jokes, Miroku. You're still mourning, you don't know what you're saying. That is what you want now. With time, you'll realize that we've all got to move on. And you know that you'll come back to me, in the end."
"There is no end." He still shook his head, defiant. "I love you. Only you."
Her fingers brushed at his bangs. "It's hard, isn't it?"
Damn, the tears were coming again. "It's so hard."
"Miroku...you can still love me and love another as well."
"I only love you," he said firmly. He struggled to sit up, and arranged her on his lap. "See this, your- no, our village, this wonderful, peaceful place? This is what I wanted. This is my conscious! Me, and you, together, here!"
"You know, it's words like that that make me wish things could have been different," Sango confessed with a bitter smile. "Such devotion. My father would have loved you. I would leave out the part about you being a pervert though."
"I would gladly tell him he fathered a child with the shapeliest ass in the entire village," he said, in all seriousness, though there was a hint of a smile on his own face. "No, the entire country! One that made me gladly give up my old ways."
She giggled, and with a roll of her eyes, guided his wrist to rest his hand on said shapely rear.
"Does it feel different without that covering on your palm?"
It lingered, but eventually travelled back to her face, trailing a thumb over her cheek.
How he wanted this to last forever.
"Imagine, us married, living here with everyone. Father, and our friends, and Kohaku - "
There was a tense pause.
"Kohaku," she repeated again.
"One of Naraku's stipulations was that Kohaku would be freed."
Miroku stiffened. "He hasn't returned."
"I know, but he's still alive. I know it. He just hasn't found you yet."
She turned on his lap, and latched on to the front of his robes. "You must protect him."
He felt slight guilt rising in his heart. "But, how can I...his life is tied to that shard...and in the end, when it is all over..."
"Miroku, I honestly don't know what will become of my brother, but, I implore you. You don't have to bring him back to life, or beg Sesshoumaru to revive him, just...protect him."
He rested his forehead against hers. "But what if I can't?"
"You protected me from many things, countless times. I know you can."
He angled his face to catch her lips in another kiss.
"Sango. I failed to protect you from me."
"You have to stop that Miroku. Would you rather we had never met?"
He thought about this. "Yes," he said firmly.
She withdrew from him. "You don't mean that."
"Fine, I don't," he mumbled, gathering her close again, he felt incomplete without her near. "I just can't stop feeling so guilty, so empty."
"You just need time," she said softly. "And now, you have all the time you need."
"I'd still rather have you," he said into her hair. "The rest of my life is a gift, and really just a stepping stone to wait until I am with you again."
"You can be with me. Just for now..."
She leaned back onto the grass, pulling him down to her, with a mischievous smile on her face. "Familiar?" she asked, as she tugged on his robes. "Hopefully you remember what I look like everywhere."
"You think I wouldn't?" he said with a lopsided grin, though she didn't find it lecherous at all.
It was amazing how she could make him smile, even in moments as bittersweet as this.
--
"Did that qualify as perverted?" Miroku asked suddenly. The girl next to him shifted positions slightly and smiled into his bare chest.
"Yes."
She leaned up to kiss him.
"But I don't care. I expected as much. I can now come to the conclusion that you have a dirty mind."
They shared another tranquil moment. But in this situation, the peace he felt could not last forever, no matter how much he wished it would.
He lay a hand across his forehead. "Sango...it's a plague to live without you. And now, right now, is wonderful. Can't I just die right now?"
She sat up and regarded him sternly. "And make my sacrifice in vain? No. Ignorance is bliss, Miroku. You'll live a long, happy, healthy life, and enjoy every damn second of it."
He managed a smile at her blunt statement before holding her close once again.
"It still won't be the same."
A few more silent moments passed while he cherished the feeling of holding her in his arms. He could hear something in the distance, but he ignored it. No distractions, his one and only focus was Sango.
She believed otherwise. "Miroku," she said suddenly. "Do you hear that?"
"Yes, but I don't care what it is," he answered sleepily. "It doesn't matter. Stay here."
"I'm sorry Miroku, but this means I have to leave now."
He sat up at these words, fighting the feeling of overwhelming fatigue weighing on his body.
"You can't go! I won't let you!" he argued, holding on to the end of her green apron she had hastily tied around her waist.
She looked at him sadly. "I don't want to leave you either. But I have to."
The sound was getting louder.
"I have to go back now, Miroku. My soul...is at peace." She bent to kiss him once more, and though he leaned as far as he could to prolong the feeling, her lips left his.
"Sango!" he tried to yell, but words failed him. "Not again. Not this again." It came out instead as a choked sob.
She had taken his hand while they kissed, which was a mistake because he was gripping it so tightly he feared he would break her fingers. But did it really matter?
"You have to let go..." She sounded so sad. "There are others waiting. For both of us."
"I want to believe you! I want to believe in us! Don't you?" he cried, breaking down.
"We'll see each other again, Miroku, and when that day comes...I'll be waiting right here for you. I love you."
Somehow his hand grew slack and her fingers slipped through his. Again, he reached out, willing his arm to stretch and keep the contact with her, just for one more moment.
She was walking away from him now, her form growing smaller and smaller, and he crawled towards her, reaching desperately, begging her not to, but it felt as there were lead weights on his arms and legs, and he couldn't stand to run after her. She didn't turn around, and as she neared the village, the large gates opened before her.
He slammed his arms on the ground, cursing himself for letting her go again. He willed himself to stay awake, but his vision was blurring, and the scene around him turned dark, as the mystery sound all around him grew louder until it was a pounding in his brain. He grabbed his head with one hand and his heart with his other, trying to keep both from exploding.
Everything turned black, and for a moment, he falling through a world of darkness. But he could still hear that cursed noise.
It became clearer. The volume had faded from a earth shattering pounding to light thumping. Was it his heartbeat?
He felt his body finally hit something hard and he clutched his head, crying out Sango's name as his eyes shot open. Beads of perspiration had collected on his brow, and he gasped for air frantically, keeping a steadying hand on his chest.
The sound, it was coming from the waking world, and even in his disoriented and exhausted state, he could sense someone approaching.
Footsteps. They were soft, but distinguishable.
As was the clinking noise of a long chain.
Void: The Dream - July 15th 2004
Yes, I know you're all thinking, "I swear there was supposed to be an epilogue," but things got altered. This is not the epilogue, it's chapter six. And while I only planned for this sequence to be a small flashback at the beginning OF the epilogue, it occurred to me that it would be very hard for Miroku to figure out what he wanted to know all by himself. And so Sango appeared, and said she would tell him. Right. It might be a tad confusing.
Vilja - Did the title of the chapter worry you? Don't worry, I would never do something like that, write all that angst and have it end up being some big fluke at the end. No. That's too harsh. Thank you as always for your reviews. I know you were waiting for this.
HMPrune - There is a somewhat happy ending. I think. Can there even BE a happy ending after all this? Thank you for actually sticking with this story, and I hope you'll review once again.
tessie-fanfic - I don't know if my brain can handle it but there is more. I managed to prolong the torture. Mmm-Hmm. And thanks for all your support.
Sara - Umm, sorry for not "updating soon," this was an extremely hard chapter to write, and I was trying to work on other things at the same time, but I hope you'll still follow the story through to the end.
Demon-Slayer13 - It's a teeny teeny bit more until it's "really," over.
Sylver-Ajah - Sorry to have kept you waiting so long, but I really hope this was worth it, especially if there's still a little more coming. I'm waiting patiently to hear your reaction.
animefreak808 - I hope your evil monkeys have a long life span after waiting so long for this update. Even though it supposedly 'ended,' the big thing happened, you can still fit some more angst in between the cracks.
Demon Exterminator Barbie - You'll be my friend? I better take down my advertisement then. Haha. Yes, I love your long reviews, they are always nice to read after long hours of writing. And I'm sorry that I'm so negative about myself, it's just that it's a habit of mine. An annoying one I know, and I'm cutting down.
Lady Sango 7 - Well, you were right about the angst. And yes, during this chapter is when I think I got the most sad. Keep in mind I was sad before I started writing too. I just wanted to punish myself by making myself sadder. Right. Anyway, I'm sorry you missed your 'opportunity,' and if another one presents itself, be sure to hug! Hug until you can hug no more! No regrets.
LiL psYchO - Didn't end it there, instead drew out and prolonged the angst even longer. There's a little more left to this story, and we all need a break to get happy.
snowfall - Thanks for the hug, feeling better, and it helped. I hope you'll be back to review this chapter too.
Haeli J - I sincerely hope you enjoy this chapter, and that it stood out as powerful to you because I tried extremely hard to convey the feelings here. Thank you for all the support you've given this story since the beginning.
Sango - It's funny how people get so sad reading angst, and yet they want more. It's addictive! I hope you enjoy this latest offering after a long overdue time.
MapleRose - Well, it's not the epilogue, but its more nonetheless. Thank you for the compliments, it really increases my motivation to write.
KeeraSango - Thank you for...your loss of words! Really, I'm glad that words can have as big an impact on people as visuals do.
FriendsForever247 - At the end, the crater was from the ground sucked up around him, and he's alive, don't worry. I hope that confusion didn't ruin it too much for you. I'd be devastated. He's alive here too. Just in case.
Aamalie - Yes, the world always needs more angst. But right about now I need something happy. I think we should feel sorry for the characters. They get put through a lot of crap. And there should be two categories, one called "Angst," and one called "ANGST" because I'm feeling a bit ANGSTY right now. Anyway, thank you as always for being an angel and reviewing even though I'm sure you have tons of things to do. I should be more like you. Oh, and I don't have AIM, but I do have Yahoo Messenger?
I'm blessed to have had such overwhelming success for this story, and once again, a big thank you and lots of love for all your help. I'm sorry for the long delay of this chapter, it's been over a month and I apologize. This chapter was really hard for me to write, and I hope you "enjoy" it as much as I "enjoyed" writing it for you. It's hard to type with water in your eyes.